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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 11th of July 2008 You've seen many Jumbies shows in The
Jokes, but never one where there are 70 new teen sailors as the
audience. Last Sunday was Graduation Day for
twelve students from Robinson O'Neal Memorial Grade School in North
Sound.
A note to my Southern CA friends: I'll be visiting Santa Ana CA from July 16th to July 22nd. Let me know if you'd like to get together! A note to my Chicago-area friends: Looks like I'll be visiting Chicago July 22nd to July 29th. Let me know if you'd like to get together! Fun Links:
Clouds - Fortellers of Weather:
Interesting Voting Machine Facts:
One Undred
Interesting Facts about the Human Body:
Incredible Flash
Websites
High Speed Camera of
Lighter Striking:
Globe Tree House:
Click-to-Print
Bumper Stickers:
Our Pretty Blue
Planet from Space:
Download YouTube
videos to your hard drive - click Help:
Best Songs Ever:
Craziest Shoes from
Around the World:
Pretty Pictures of
Tahiti:
http://www.johnmirandaphoto.com/tahiti.htm
Stupid Criminal Enjoy the Jokes!
 Warning: this Joke
Collection occasionally contains strong language (which may
be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable
for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for
liberal-arts majors).
Ed
Hope you had a
wonderful Independence Day!
A father passing
by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely
made, and that everything was picked up and tidy. Then, he saw
an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was
addressed,
'Dad.'
With the worst
premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with
trembling hands.
Dear Dad,
It is with great
regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum
and you.
I've been
finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew
you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so
much older than I am.
But it's not
only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will
be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack
of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
many more children.
Stacy has opened
my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other
people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime,
we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can
get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad,
I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure
we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many
grandchildren.
Love, your son,
Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none
of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted
to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
School report that's on the kitchen table.
----------------------
Eleven People on
a Rope
Eleven people
were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. Ten men and one
woman.
The rope was not
strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to
leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't
able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching
speech.
She said that
she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman,
she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or
for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices
with little in return.
As soon as she
finished her speech, all the men started clapping
--------------------------
Grass Eater
A man was riding
in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by
the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.
"Why are you
eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have
any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come
to my house!" "But sir, I have a wife and four children..."
"Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed
into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you
are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man
replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is
over three feet tall!"
----------------------------
Did You Know...
The women of
the Tiwi tribe in the South Pacific are married at birth.
When Albert Einstein died, his final words died with him. The nurse at his side didn't understand German. St Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, was not Irish. The lance ceased to be an official battle weapon in the British Army in 1927. St. John was the only one of the 12 Apostles to die a natural death. Many sailors used to wear gold earrings so that they could afford a proper burial when they died. Some very Orthodox Jew refuse to speak Hebrew, believing it to be a language reserved only for the Prophets. A South African monkey was once awarded a medal and promoted to the rank of corporal during World War I. Born 4 January 1838, General Tom Thumb's growth slowed at the age of 6 months, at 5 years he was signed to the circus by P.T. Barnum, and at adulthood reached a height of only 1 metre. Because they had no proper rubbish disposal system, the streets of ancient Mesopotamia became literally knee-deep in rubbish. The Toltecs, Seventh-century native Mexicans, went into battle with wooden swords so as not to kill their enemies. China banned the pigtail in 1911 as it was seen as a symbol of feudalism. The Amayra guides of Bolivia are said to be able to keep pace with a trotting horse for a distance of 100 kilometres. Sliced bread was patented by a jeweller, Otto Rohwedder, in 1928. He had been working on it for 16 years, having started in 1912. Before it was stopped by the British, it was the not uncommon for women in some areas of India to choose to be burnt alive on their husband's funeral pyre. Ivan the terrible claimed to have 'deflowered thousands of virgins and butchered a similar number of resulting offspring'. Before the Second World War, it was considered a sacrilege to even touch an Emperor of Japan. An American aircraft in Vietnam shot itself down with one of its own missiles. The Anglo-Saxons believed Friday to be such an unlucky day that they ritually slaughtered any child unfortunate enough to be born on that day. During the eighteenth century, laws had to be brought in to curb the seemingly insatiable appetite for gin amongst the poor. Their annual intake was as much as five million gallons. Ancient drinkers warded off the devil by clinking their cups The Nobel Prize resulted form a late change in the will of Alfred Nobel, who did not want to be remembered after his death as a propagator of violence - he invented dynamite. The cost of the first pay-toilets installed in England was tuppence. Pogonophobia is the fear of beards. In 1647 the English Parliament abolished Christmas. Mao Rse-Tang, the first chairman of the Chinese Communist Party, was born 26 December 1893. Before his rise to power, he occupied the humble position of Assistant Librarian at the University of Peking. Coffee is the second largest item of international commerce in the world. The largest is petrol. King George III was declared violently insane in 1811, 9 years before he died. In Ancient Peru, when a woman found an 'ugly' potato, it was the custom for her to push it into the face of the nearest man. For Roman Catholics, 5 January is St Simeon Stylites' Day. He was a fifth-century hermit who showed his devotion to God by spending literally years sitting on top of a huge flagpole. When George I became King of England in 1714, his wife did not become Queen. He placed her under house arrest for 32 years. The richest 10 per cent of the French people are approximately fifty times better off than the poorest 10 per cent. Henry VII was the only British King to be crowned on the field of battle During World War One, the future Pope John XXIII was a sergeant in the Italian Army. Richard II died aged 33 in 1400. A hole was left in the side of his tomb so people could touch his royal head, but 376 years later some took advantage of this and stole his jawbone. The magic word "Abracadabra" was originally intended for the specific purpose of curing hay fever. The Puritans forbade the singing of Christmas Carols, judging them to be out of keeping with the true spirit of Christmas. Albert Einstein was once offered the Presidency of Israel. He declined saying he had no head for problems. Uri Geller, the professional psychic was born on December 20 1946. As to the origin of his alleged powers, Mr Geller maintains that they come from the distant planet of Hoova. Ralph and Carolyn Cummins had 5 children between 1952 and 1966, all were born on the 20 February. John D. Rockefeller gave away over US$ 500,000,000 during his lifetime. Only 1 child in 20 are born on the day predicted by the doctor. In the 1970's, the Rhode Island Legislature in the US entertained a proposal that there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse in the State. Widows in equatorial Africa actually wear sackcloth and ashes when attending a funeral. The 'Hundred Years War' lasted 116 years. The British did not release the body of Napoleon Bonaparte to the French until twenty days after his death. Admiral Lord Nelson was less than 1.6 metres tall. John Glenn, the American who first orbited the Earth, was showered with 3,529 tonnes of ticker tape when he got back. Native American Indians used to name their children after the first thing they saw as they left their tepees subsequent to the birth. Hence such strange names as Sitting Bull and Running Water. Catherine the First of Russia, made a rule that no man was allowed to get drunk at one of her parties before nine o'clock. Queen Elizabeth I passed a law which forced everyone except for the rich to wear a flat cap on Sundays. In 1969 the shares of the Australian company 'Poseidon' were worth $1, one year later they were worth $280 each. Julius Caesar wore a laurel wreath to cover the onset of baldness. Ernest Bevin, Minister of Labour during World War II, left school at the age of eleven. At the age of 12, Martin Luther King became so depressed he tried committing suicide twice, by jumping out of his bedroom window. It is illegal to be a prostitute in Siena, Italy, if your name is Mary. The Turk's consider it considered unlucky to step on a piece of bread. The authorities do not allow tourists to take pictures of Pygmies in Zambia. The Dutch in general prefer their french fries with mayonnaise. Upon the death of F.D. Roosevelt, Harry S Truman became the President of America on 12 April 1945. The initial S in the middle of his name doesn't in fact mean anything. Both his grandfathers had names beginning with 'S', and so Truman's mother didn't want to disappoint either of them. Sir Isaac Newton was obsessed with the occult and the supernatural. One of Queen Victoria's wedding gifts was a 3 metre diameter, half tonne cheese. Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never phoned his wife or his mother, they were both deaf. It was considered unfashionable for Venetian women, during the Renaissance to have anything but silvery-blonde hair. Queen Victoria was one of the first women ever to use chloroform to combat pain during childbirth. Peter the Great had the head of his wife's lover cut off and put into a jar of preserving alcohol, which he then ordered to be placed by her bed. The car manufacturer Henry Ford was awarded Hitler's Grand Cross of the Supreme Order of the German Eagle. Henry Ford was the inventor of the assembly line, and Hitler used this knowledge of the assembly line to speed up production, and to create better and interchangeable products. Atilla the Hun is thought to have been a dwarf. The warriors tribes of Ethiopia used to hang the testicles of those they killed in battle on the ends of their spears. On 15 April 1912 the SS Titanic sunk on her maiden voyage and over 1,500 people died. Fourteen years earlier a novel was published by Morgan Robertson which seemed to foretell the disaster. The book described a ship the same size as the Titanic which crashes into an iceberg on its maiden voyage on a misty April night. The name of Robertson's fictional ship was the Titan. There are over 200 religious denominations in the United States. Eau de Cologne was originally marketed as a way of protecting yourself against the plague. Charles the Simple was the grandson of Charles the Bald, both were rulers of France. Theodor Herzi, the Zionist leader who was born on May 2 1860, once had the astonishing idea of converting Jews to Christianity as a way of combating anti-Semitism. The women of an African tribe make themselves more attractive by permanently scaring their faces. Augustus II, the Elector of Saxony and King of Poland seemed to have a prodigious sexual appetite, and fathered hundreds of illegitimate children during his lifetime. Some moral purists in the Middle Ages believed that women's ears ought to be covered up because the Virgin May had conceived a child through them. Hindus don't like dying in bed, they prefer to die beside a river. While at Havard University, Edward Kennedy was suspended for cheating on a Spanish exam. It is a criminal offence to drive around in a dirty car in Russia. The Emperor Caligula once decided to go to war with the Roman God of the sea, Poseidon, and ordered his soldiers to throw their spears into the water at random. The Ecuadorian poet, José Olmedo, has a statue in his honour in his home country. But, unable to commission a sculptor, due to limited funds, the government brought a second-hand statue .. Of the English poet Lord Byron. In 1726, at only 7 years old, Charles Sauson inherited the post of official executioner. Sir Winston Churchill rationed himself to 15 cigars a day. On 7 January 1904 the distress call 'CQD' was introduced. 'CQ' stood for 'Seek You' and 'D' for 'Danger'. This lasted only until 1906 when it was replaced with 'SOS'. Though it is forbidden by the Government, many Indians still adhere to the caste system which says that it is a defilement for even the shadow of a person from a lowly caste to fall on a Brahman ( a member of the highest priestly caste). In parts of Malaya, the women keep harems of men. The childrens' nursery rhyme 'Ring-a-Ring-a-Roses' actually refers to the Black Death which killed about 30 million people in the fourteenth-century. The word 'denim' comes from 'de Nimes', Nimes being the town the fabric was originally produced. During the reign of Elizabeth I, there was a tax put on men's beards. Idi Amin, one of the most ruthless tyrants in the world, before coming to power, served in the British Army. Some Eskimos have been known to use refrigerators to keep their food from freezing. It is illegal to play tennis in the streets of Cambridge. Custer was the youngest General in US history, he was promoted at the age of 23. It costs more to send someone to reform school than it does to send them to Eton. The American pilot Charles Lindbergh received the Service Cross of the German Eagle form Hermann Goering in 1938. The active ingredient in Chinese Bird's nest soup is saliva. Marie Currie, who twice won the Nobel Prize, and discovered radium, was not allowed to become a member of the prestigious French Academy because she was a woman. It was quite common for the men of Ancient Greece to exercise in public .. naked. John Paul Getty, once the richest man in the world, had a payphone in his mansion. Iceland is the world's oldest functioning democracy. Adolf Eichmann (responsible for countless Jewish deaths during World war II), was originally a travelling salesman for the Vacuum Oil Co. of Austria. The national flag of Italy was designed by Napoleon Bonaparte. The Matami Tribe of West Africa play a version of football, the only difference being that they use a human skull instead of a more normal ball. John Winthrop introduced the fork to the American dinner table for the first time on 25 June 1630. Elizabeth Blackwell, born in Bristol, England on 3 February 1821, was the first woman in America to gain an M.D. degree. Abraham Lincoln was shot with a Derringer. The great Russian leader, Lenin died 21 January 1924, suffering from a degenerative brain disorder. At the time of his death his brain was a quarter of its normal size. When shipped to the US, the London bridge ( thought by the new owner to be the more famous Tower Bridge ) was classified by US customs to be a 'large antique'. Sir Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' cloakroom after his mother went into labour during a dance at Blenheim Palace. In 1849, David Atchison became President of the United States for just one day, and he spent most of the day sleeping. Between the two World War's, France was controlled by forty different governments. The 'Crystal Palace' at the Great Exhibition of 1851, contained 92 900 square metres of glass. It was the custom in Ancient Rome for the men to place their right hand on their testicles when taking an oath. The modern term 'testimony' is derived from this tradition. Sir Winston Churchill's mother was descended from a Red Indian. The study of stupidity is called 'monology'. Hindu men believe(d) it to be unluckily to marry a third time. They could avoid misfortune by marring a tree first. The tree ( his third wife ) was then burnt, freeing him to marry again. More money is spent each year on alcohol and cigarettes than on Life insurance. In 1911 3 men were hung for the murder of Sir Edmund Berry at Greenbury Hill, their last names were Green, Berry , and Hill. A firm in Britain sold fall-out shelters for pets. During the seventeen century , the Sultan of Turkey ordered his entire harem of women drowned, and replace with a new one. Lady Astor once told Winston Churchill 'if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee'. His reply …' if you were my wife, I would drink it ! '. There are no clocks in Las Vegas casinos. The Great Pyramid of Giza consists of 2,300,000 blocks each weighing 2.5 tons. On 9 February 1942, soap rationing began in Britain. Paul Revere was a dentist. The Budget speech on April 17 1956 saw the introduction of Premium Savings Bonds into Britain. The machine which picks the winning numbers is called "Ernie", an abbreviation, which stands for' electronic random number indicator equipment'. Chop-suey is not a native Chinese dish, it was created in California by Chinese immigrants. The Russian mystic, Rasputin, was the victim of a series of murder attempts on this day in 1916. The assassins poisoned, shot and stabbed him in quick succession, but they found they were unable to finish him off. Rasputin finally succumbed to the ice-cold waters of a river. Bonnie Prince Charlie, the leader of the Jacobite rebellion to depose of George II of England, was born 31 December 1720. Considered a great Scottish hero, he spent his final years as a drunkard in Rome. The Liberal Prime Minister, William Gladstone, was born of the 29th December 1809. Apparently, as a result of his strong Puritan impulses, Gladstone kept a selection of whips in his cellar with which he regularly chastised himself. A parthenophobic has a fear of virgins. South American gauchos were known to put raw steak under their saddles before starting a day's riding, in order to tenderise the meat. There are 240 white dots in a Pacman arcade game. In 1939 the US political party 'The American Nazi Party' had 200,000 members. King Solomon of Israel had about 700 wives as well as hundreds of mistresses. Urine was once used to wash clothes. North American Indian, Sitting Bull, died on 15 December 1890. His bones were laid to rest in North Dakota, but a business group wanted him moved to a 'more natural' site in South Dakota. Their campaign was rejected so they stole the bones, and they now reside in Sitting Bull Park, South Dakota. St Nicholas, the original Father Christmas, is the patron saint of thieves, virgins and communist Russia. Dublin is home of the Fairy Investigation Society. Fourteen million people were killed in World War I, twenty million died in a flu epidemic in the years that followed. People in Siberia often buy milk frozen on a stick. Princess Ann was the only competitor at the 1976 Montreal Olympics that did not have to undergo a sex test. Ethelred the Unready, King of England in the Tenth-century, spent his wedding night in bed with his wife and his mother- in-law. Coffins which are due for cremation are usually made with plastic handles. Blackbird, who was the chief of Omaha Indians, was buried sitting on his favourite horse. The two highest IQ's ever recorded (on a standard test) both belong to women. The Tory Prime Minister, Benjamin Disreali, was born 21 December 1804. He was noted for his oratory and had a number of memorable exchanges in the House with his great rival William Gladstone. Asked what the difference between a calamity and a misfortune was Disreali replied: 'If Gladstone fell into the Thames it would be a misfortune, but if someone pulled him out again, it would be a calamity'. The Imperial Throne of Japan has been occupied by the same family for the last thirteen hundred years. In the seventeenth-century a Boston man was sentenced to two hours in the stocks for obscene behaviour, his crime, kissing his wife in a public place on a Sunday. President Kaunda of Zambia once threatened to resign if his fellow countrymen didn't stop drinking so much alcohol. Due to staggering inflation in the 1920's, 4,000,000,000,000,000,000 German marks were worth 1 US dollar. Gorgias of Epirus was born during preparation of his mothers funeral. The city of New York contains a district called 'Hell's Kitchen'. The city of Hiroshima left the Industrial Promotion Centre standing as a monument the atomic bombing. During the Medieval Crusades, transporting bodies off the battlefield for burial was a major problem, this was solved by carrying a huge cauldron into the Holy wars, boiling down the bodies, and taking only the bones with them. A ten-gallon hat holds three-quarters of a gallon. George Washington grew marijuana in his garden.
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Signs
Sign over a
Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at
your cervix.'
**************************
In a
Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds
all heels.'
**************************
On a Septic
Tank Truck:
Yesterday's
Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a
Proctologist's door:
'To expedite
your visit, please back in.'
**************************
On a Plumber's
truck:
'We repair what
your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another
Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep
with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************
On a Church's
Bill board:
'7 days without
God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tire Shop
in Milwaukee:
'Invite us to
your next blowout.'
**************************
At a Towing
company:
'We don't
charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
**************************
On an
Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove
your shorts.'
**************************
In a Nonsmoking
Area:
'If we see
smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action.'
**************************
On a Maternity
Room door:
'Push. Push.
Push.'
**************************
At an
Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't
see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************
On a
Taxidermist's window:
'We really know
our stuff.'
**************************
On a Fence:
'Salesmen
welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************
At a Car
Dealership:
'The best way
to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment.'
**************************
Outside a
Muffler Shop:
'No appointment
necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
In a
Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5
minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
At the Electric
Company
'We would be
delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you
don't, you will be.'
**************************
In a Restaurant
window:
'Don't stand
there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
In the front
yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive
carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************
At a Propane
Filling Station:
'Thank heaven
for little grills.'
**************************
And don't
forget the sign at a
CHICAGO
RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in
town to take a leak.'
***************************
Sign on the
back of another Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This
Truck is full of Political Promises'
&s=1024x768&o=Win32&c=32&j=true&v=1.2)
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 The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item “Behavior modification reinforcers.” Alarmed that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician’s office to inquire, “What on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?” “Lollipops,” was the reply. -----------------  Two eggs, a sausage, and a pancake walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast." ------------------  Ole went hunting one day in northern Wisconsin and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like Norskis. The game warden ordered the Norski to show his hunting license, and Ole pulled out a valid Wisconsin hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Wisconsin. This is a Minnesota duck. You got a Minnesota huntin' license, boy?" Ole reached into his wallet and produced a Minnesota hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Minnesota duck. This duck's from Iowa. You got a Iowa license?" Again Ole reached into his wallet and produced a Iowa hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck , sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Iowa duck. This here duck's from Michigan. You got a Michigan huntin' license?" Once again Ole reached into his wallet and brought out a Michigan hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Norski, "Boy, just where the hell are you from?" With that Ole turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said,"Vell you tell me. ------------------  I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" "Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt, a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!!! "Oh, the maintenance guys are working here - bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vice alone are you?" I shouted. "Oh, you fussy puppy The door is wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights on. I'll be right back." Before I could shout "NOOOOO!", she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me - half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass. After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings. Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, yes I did. Thanks." "You bet, take care", Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store. Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement. She said, "Oh, I'm sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! Silly me! I went to lunch. Are we upset?" "And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps." -----------------------  Beer contains female hormones...... Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female Hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer Consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into Women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 Hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects: 1) Argued over nothing. 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. 3) Gained weight. 4) Talked excessively without making sense. 5) Became overly emotional. 6) Couldn't drive. 7) Failed to think rationally 8) Had to sit down while urinating. No further testing was considered necessary. ------------------  A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender." MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Parking Brake. --------------------  A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence. "Get well quick….. From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week." ---------------------  Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank: . Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January." . Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." . Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections." . Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been." . Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?" . Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!" . Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" . Bank: "Excuse me?" . Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you -- the part about her being dead?" . Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." Supervisor gets on the phone: . Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January." . Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." . Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?" . Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?" . Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given) . Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?" . Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) After they get the fax: . Bank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help." . Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care." . Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." . Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?" . Bank: "That might help." . Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69." . Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" . Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?" --------------------------  An Iowa farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called. 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning --------------------- Mexican Navy Seal  About Men and Women How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told ------------------------------------------------------------------- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. -------------------  Buy Apple Stock Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts .
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are
always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not
listening to them.
---------------------  A very unattractive, mean actin' woman walks into WalMart with her two kids. After shoving her way past several customers waiting to get carts, she says to the WalMart greeter, "Go through those carts and find me one that doesn't need oiling for once!" "Yes Ma'am, happy to oblige, "says the Greeter, and goes and picks out a cart for her. "Here you are, Ma'am, hope this one is okay," he says. "If you'd get out of my way, maybe I could find out!" snaps the woman. "Sorry, Ma'am," the Greeter says, standing aside, "and you and the twins have a nice day..." The woman snarls, "They're not twins, you moron! They don't even look alike...." The greeter smiles, "No they don't Ma'am. I just couldn't believe you got laid twice." -------------------------- 
Scenario: Jack pulls into school
parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1953 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack. 2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers. ++++++++++++++++ Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 1953 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled. 2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. ++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ + Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students. 1953 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class. 2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability. ++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++ Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping. 1953 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist. ++++++++++++ +++++++++ ++++++++ Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school. 1953 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal who has a headache also. 2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. ++++++++++++ +++++++++ ++++ Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant. 1953 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers. 2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time. ++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++ Scenario: Pedro fails high school English. 1953: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college. 2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English. ++++++++++++ +++++++++ Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed. 1953 - Ants die. 2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. ++++++++++++ +++++++++ Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him. 1953 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Is this a great country, or what? ---------------- An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 80-year-old said, "things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun." "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so he could not shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went "'bang, bang'." "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 80-year-old said, "logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly." -------------------  Household Hints Peel a banana from the bottom and you won't have to pick the little 'stringy things' off of it. That's how the primates do it. Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster. Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil. It will stay fresh much longer and not mold! Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating. Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking. Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef. It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking. To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich add a couple of spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream in and then beat them up. For a cool brownie treat, make brownies as directed. Melt Andes mints in double broiler and pour over warm brownies. Let set for a wonderful minty frosting. Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic. Leftover snickers bars from Halloween make a delicious dessert. Simply chop them up with the food chopper. Peel, core and slice a few apples. Place them in a baking dish and sprinkle the chopped candy bars over the apples. Bake at 350 for 15 minutes!!! Serve alone or with vanilla ice cream. 1. Reheat Pizza Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works 2. Easy Deviled Eggs Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up. 3. Expanding Frosting When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar and calories per serving. 4. Reheating refrigerated bread To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster. 5. Newspaper weeds away Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers, put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers. 6. Broken Glass Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily. 7 No More Mosquitoes Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away. 8. Squirrel Away! To keep squirrels from eating your plants sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it. 9. Flexible vacuum To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings. 10. Reducing Static Cling Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose . Place pin in seam of slacks and static is gone. 11. Measuring Cups Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and it comes right out. 12. Foggy Windshield? Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth! 13. Reopening envelope If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily. 14. Conditioner Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair... 15. Goodbye Fruit Flies To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass fill it 1/2' with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing liquid, mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever! 16. Get Rid of Ants Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it 'home,' can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works & you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed! 17. INFO ABOUT CLOTHES DRYERS The heating unit went out on my dryer! The gentleman that fixes things around the house for us told us that he wanted to show us something and he went over to the dryer and pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. (I always clean the lint from the filter after every load clothes.) He told us that he wanted to show us something; he took the filter over to the sink, ran hot water over it. The lint filter is made of a mesh material - I'm sure you know what your dryer's lint filter looks like. Well...hot water just sat on top of the mesh! It didn't go through it at all! He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that mesh that's what burns out the heating unit. You can't SEE the film, but it's there. It's what is in the dryer sheets to make your clothes soft and static free -- that nice fragrance too, you know how they can feel waxy when you take them out of the box, well this stuff builds up on your clothes and on your lint screen. This is also what causes dryer units to catch fire & potentially burn your house down with it! He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a very long time (& to keep your electric bill lower) is to take that filter out & wash it with hot soapy water & an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every six months. He said that makes the life of the dryer at least twice as long! ---------------  THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm happily married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it a beautiful night? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning. -------------------  Wierd News They had sex WHERE? ROME June 11, 2008 (Reuters) - An Italian couple who were caught having sex in a church confessional box while morning Mass was being said have repented and made peace with the local bishop. The couple, in their early 30s, were detained by police earlier this month after they had made love in the confessional box in the cathedral in northern Cesena. They were cautioned for obscene acts in public and disturbing a religious function. Their lawyer said they had been drinking all night and realized they had gone too far. The lawyer told the area's local newspaper on Wednesday the couple met with the local bishop on Tuesday night, asked for his forgiveness and that he had given it. Last week the bishop celebrated a "Mass of reparation" in the cathedral where the confessional box incident took place to make up for the sacrilege. ------------------------------- Officials shut eatery after finding turtle in sink Jun 12, 3:08 PM (ET) YORK, Pa. (AP) - Putting a snapping turtle in the kitchen sink got a York city restaurant shut down. Jim Zhao is working to bring his Panda Chinese Kitchen back up to code and hopes to be able to reopen on Thursday. Zhao told WHTM-TV that "in China, a turtle is like a Buddha." It's supposed to bring good luck. Inspectors ordered the restaurant shut down on Friday after finding the turtle and other health code violations. Zhao says he rescued the turtle because he saw a man trying to get rid of it in the parking lot, so put it in the sink until he could release it. He's now given it to a friend. Zhao says the restaurant has never been shut down under his management, although he acknowledges that it has been closed in the past for other health code violations. ------------------------------- Trial Aborted after Jurors play Sudoku SYDNEY, June 10 (UPI) -- An Australian drug trial was aborted after three months when it was discovered that jurors were playing Sudoku in the jury box. Judge Peter Zahra of District Court in Sydney released the jury after the forewoman admitted that she and four other jurors had spent a large amount of their time during the trial playing the popular game, the Sydney Morning Herald reported Tuesday. Defense lawyers Adam Morison and Michael Coroneos filed to have the jury discharged after the two men accused in the trial said they saw the jury forewoman playing the game during one of the defendants' testimony. The forewoman admitted to spending about half of her time in the jury box playing the game. Morison said it was "extraordinary that 105 witnesses, including 20 police, had been in the witness box and not seen what was happening." Zahra verbally reprimanded the Sudoku players, but provincial laws do not allow for the prosecution of inattentive jurors. ------------------------ Conn. police find pipe bomb stuffed inside chicken Jun 10, 7:48 AM (ET) SIMSBURY, Conn. (AP) - Authorities in Connecticut are wondering who stuffed a raw roasting chicken with a pipe bomb and left it on a roadside. Simsbury police Capt. Matthew Catania says a motorist noticed the chicken Monday morning. He says the bomb was large enough to harm a person if it went off. The road was closed while the Hartford Police Department's bomb squad came and blew up the chicken. Nobody was injured. No arrests had been made Monday night. ------------------------------ Scientists find Monkeys who Know how to Fish BANGKOK, Thailand (AP) - Long-tailed macaque monkeys have a reputation for knowing how to find food - whether it be grabbing fruit from jungle trees or snatching a banana from a startled tourist. Now, researchers say they have discovered groups of the silver-haired monkeys in Indonesia that fish. Groups of long-tailed macaques were observed four times over the past eight years scooping up small fish with their hands and eating them along rivers in East Kalimantan and North Sumatra provinces, according to researchers from The Nature Conservancy and the Great Ape Trust. --------------------------------- Bear takes Dip with Hotel Guests OURAY, Colo., June 9 (UPI) -- Guests at a hotel in Ouray, Colo., said they were surprised when a "cute, little cinnamon bear" walked onto hotel grounds and got into the pool with them. Ryan Hein, general manager of the Best Western Twin Peaks Motel in Ouray, said guests were lounging Thursday night when the "cute, little cinnamon bear walked into our pool area and decided to take a dip," the Grand Junction (Colo.) Daily Sentinel reported. "He must have needed his muscles soothed," Hein joked. "He just jumped in for a little bit, and then crawled his way out." Hein said it is not unusual for bears to wander onto the hotel's property because it borders wilderness. "The bears seem not to be aggressive, but you never know. We're doing what we can to keep our guests safe," Hein said. ---------------------------- Man trying to kill bees burns down shed MOBILE, Ala., June 6 (UPI) -- An Alabama man said he was only trying to get rid of some bees when he poured gasoline on them and caused his shed to burst into flames. Joshua Mullen, 26, ended up with $80,000 in damages to his property Wednesday, the Mobile (Ala.) Press-Register reported. "There were no injuries, unless you count the bees," said Mobile Fire-Rescue spokesman Steve Huffman. -------------------------------- Stranded scuba divers stave off Komodo dragon Jun 8, 10:00 AM (ET) JAKARTA, Indonesia (AP) - A group of European scuba divers swept away in strong currents scrambled onto a remote Indonesian island only to face another threat: a Komodo dragon. A port official said Sunday the divers from Britain, France and Sweden were able to scare off the giant lizard by pelting it with rocks and pieces of wood. He said Komodo dragons often come out when they smell something new, including humans, whom they've been known to kill. The five divers were swept away by treacherous currents after plunging into the water from their wooden boat on Thursday afternoon. They hit shore 12 hours later, after drifting 20 miles in shark-infested waters. The divers spent one night on Rinca island before they were rescued. ----------------------- Couples see Sex in Space SANTA FE, N.M., June 5 (UPI) -- Virgin Galactic, a New Mexico space tourism company, said it has received several requests from couples seeking to be the first to have sex in space. Will Whitehorn, president of the company, said the approach of Virgin's first planned space tourism flight, which is expected to take place in 2009, has led to many curious couples asking the company about sex in sub-orbital zero gravity, The Telegraph reported Thursday. "We've had a variety of people inquire about it," Whitehorn said of space sex. "One got in touch about a charter flight so they could be the first to have intercourse in space and get in the Guinness Book of Records." Dr. James Logan, an expert in space medicine, said the zero gravity portion of the first space tourism flights will last only five minutes, leaving very little time for intercourse. He said couples would likely find sex without gravity to be more trouble than it's worth. "Sex in zero gravity would more or less be a flailing exercise quite frankly," he said. "Sex in Martian gravity might be pretty appealing though." ---------------------------- Japanese patient's 'tumour' turns out to be 25-year-old towel Wed Jun 4, 3:47 AM ET TOKYO (AFP) - Doctors who carried out surgery on a Japanese man to remove a "tumour" had good news and bad news for him. He did not have cancer -- but the "growth" that had been causing him pain was in fact a 25-year-old surgical towel. The patient had been carrying the cloth since 1983, when surgeons at the Asahi General Hospital in Chiba prefecture near Tokyo left it in him after an operation to treat an ulcer, a spokesman for the hospital said. The man, now 49, went in to another hospital in late May after suffering abdominal pain. When examinations found what was believed to be an eight-centimetre (3.2-inch) tumour, he underwent the operation to remove it. It was only then that surgeons realised it was a towel. "The towel was greenish blue although we are not sure about its original colour," the Asahi General Hospital spokesman said, adding it had been crumpled to the size of a softball. Asahi hospital officials visited the man and apologised, he said. The former patient has no plans to sue the hospital, which is in talks with him over compensation or other measures, the official said. Japanese media reports said the man, who was not identified, still had his spleen removed  The Image Gallery
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