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Pick up lines that could get you killed

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.
7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!
12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?
14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?
15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"
17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?
22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.
23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.
24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

These are supposed to be better
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
2. Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
3. Nice legs...what time do they open?
4.Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Pink-Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
15. Hey baby, why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that POPS up.
16. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
17. Are those real?
18. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
19. You can feel the magic between us...No, lower!
20. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
21. Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails and screw ya.
22. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
23. (Look down at the crotch) It's not just going to suck itself.
24. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
25. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any Questions? (I LOVE this one!!LOL)
26. Fuck me if I'm wrong but is your name Helga?
27. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
28. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
29. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
30. what's your favorite color? (answer) you'd look good naked in a tub with me!
30. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
31. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."
32. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.--Dimitri's fav.
33. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.--Runner up
34. I know milk does a body good, but, DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
35. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
36. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? What you don't like pizza?
37. I may not be Dairy Queen but I'll treat you right.
38. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
39. Do you sleep on your stomach at night? Can I???
40. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
41. Like Motel 6...I'll leave a light on for you.
42. If I told you you had a nice body, would you hold IT against me?
43. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.
44. If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
45. Let me check the tag on your shirt, I want to see if it says "Made in Heaven"
46. Hey nice shoes, wanna fuck? <--You never know...
47. I cant find my house, Can i sleep with you?
48. I lost my number, can i have yours?

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A man and a young and very beautiful woman walk into a posh Rodeo Drive furrier.

"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $165,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.

The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn`t a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

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A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"

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Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, “You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers.”

The man thought for a moment. “What are peers?” he asked.

“They’re people just like you – your equals.”

“Forget it,” retorted the defendant. “I don’t want to be tried by a bunch of thieves.”

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THE YEAR 1908

One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1908 :

The average life expectancy was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles Of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average wage in 1908 was 22 cents per hour.

The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .

Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
Were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard. '

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.

Now, I just forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you and others all over the world, in a matter of seconds!

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

IT STAGGERS THE MIND!

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Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!” says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.

"I don't mean to boast," Says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

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SMART BE VERY SMART

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son? "

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over..."

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Two explorers, camped in the heart of the African jungle, were discussing their expedition.

“I came here,” said one, “because the urge to travel was in my blood. City life bored me, and the smell of exhaust fumes on the highways made me sick. I wanted to see the sunrise over new horizons and hear the flutter of birds that never had been seen by man. I wanted to leave my footprints on sand unmarked before I came. In short, I wanted to see nature in the raw. What about you?”

“I came,” the second man replied, “because my son was taking saxophone lessons.”

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The fellow walked into a bar he had never been in before and ordered a drink.

He then asked the bartender if he enjoyed dumb-jock jokes.

The beefy attendant leaned over the bar and fixed a withering glare on his customer. "Listen, buddy," he growled. "See those two big guys on the left? They're professional football players. And that huge fellow on your right is a world-class wrestler. That guy in the corner is a champion weight-lifter. And I lettered in three sports at Notre Dame. Now," he continued, "are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your dumb-jock joke here?"

"Nah, I guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

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Teacher: Class, who can go to the board and show us the map of the North America?

George: Yes, ma'am.

Teacher: Okay George.

George: Here is the map of North America.

Teacher: Class, who discovered North America?

Class: George!

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Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.

Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.

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A Woman’s Enthusiasm

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement--not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new much younger wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her step-mom to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother, who graciously said, "Never mind, sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day. "

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it!"

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”

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Test Your Knowledge

1.During WW II, what was a Victory Garden?

a. The top floor of Madison Square Garden
b. House plants you could win with S&H Green Stamps
c. A home garden to raise food for family and friends

2. What would "A little dab 'll do ya" do?

a. A dab of Brylcreem would keep your hair in place like car grease
b. A little dab of Ovaltine in milk would turn you into Capt. Midnight
c. Rumor was that a dab of Spanish fly would do it, but no one ever knew for sure

3. Sears used to be called _________, _________ and Co.?"

a. Girdles, Corsets and Co.
b. Cheap, Cheaper and Co.
c. Montgomery Ward and Co.
d. Sears, Roebuck and Co.

4. What was duck and cover?

A. Hunting fowl during the Great Depression
b. A drill for school children, for use in case of atomic attack
c. A ducktail haircut toupee

5. The oldest man in the US died recently at 113. To what did he attribute his long life?

a. Giving up cigars at age 97
b. Never marrying
c. Brussels sprouts and chocolate

6. What was the "party line" with which many of us grew up?

a. "Your place or mine?"
b. Telephone lines shared by several homes, or parties
c. "A chicken in every pot."

7. What postwar auto was said to not know whether it was coming or going?

a. '48 Tucker
b. '53 Henry J.
c. '51 Studebaker

8. What wasn't delivered to homes in the US in the 1940s?

a. Prescriptions
b. Ice
c. Milk
d. Pizza

9. What color were flash bulbs for use with color film?

a. Pink
b. Blue
c. Plaid

10. What was the average life expectancy in the US 100 years ago?

a. 60
b. 23
c. 47
d. 78

11. You know you've grown old when...?

a. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them
b. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question
c. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff"
d. All of the above

12. When you put your right foot out, and shake it all about, what are you doing?

a. Throwing out your back
b. Going for a Section 8
c. The Hokey-Pokey

ANSWERS

1. c) Victory gardening enabled more food supplies to be shipped to our troops around the world.

2. a) "Brylcreem, a little dab'll do ya! Brylcreem, you look so debonair! The gals will all pursue ya. They'll love to get their fingers in your hair..."

3. d) Sears, Roebuck and Co. was named in 1893. It is said that Roebuck, a watchmaker, disappeared when he objected to customers using catalogs for toilet paper.

4. b) A drill for school children. Today's equivalent is Tom Ridge's plastic and duct tape.

5. a) John McMorran quit cigars at 97, and got 16 years more of life.

6. b) Telephones were great neighborhood entertainment in the days when each home on the party line had a unique ring and the phones of every subscriber on the line rang at the same time. It was great sport to listen in to the conversations of everyone on the line.

7. c) The '51 Studebaker had so much glass in the rear, folks were concerned that other drivers wouldn't know front from back.

8. d) Pizza.

9. b) Blue flashbulbs were used with color film, daylight balanced.

10. c) In 1903 the average life expectancy was 47. Only 8 percent of homes had a telephone, and the average wage was 22 cents an hour. Remember?

11. d) All of the above.

12. c) You're dancing the Hokey-Pokey. In 1953, bandleader Ray Anthony bought the rights and recorded The Hokey Pokey on the B-side of another novelty record, The Bunny Hop.*

SCORING

10 - 12 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but smart as a buggy whip. Now if you could only remember yesterday.
7 - 9 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely dusty.
0 - 6 correct: You are a sad excuse for an old coot. Redeem yourself. Wear yellow pants or let your ear hairs grow into a comb-over.

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CRABBY OLD MAN

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Tampa, Florida, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Missouri. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem. And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this "anonymous" poem winging across the Internet.

What do you see nurses? ............ What do you see?
What are you thinking ...... when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, ... not very wise,
Uncertain of habit ........with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food ....... and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice ..... "I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice .. the things that you do.
And forever is losing ........................... A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not ........... lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding .......... The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse ...... you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am .......... As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, ..... as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten ....... with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters ................... who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen ............ with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now. ................... a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty ................... my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows ........ that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now .......... I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty ....... My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other ...... With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons .... have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me ........ to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .................... Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children .................. My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me ......... My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ........... I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing ...... young of their own.
And I think of the years ...... And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man ......... and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age .............. look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles..........grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone........where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass ...... A young guy still dwells,
And now and again ................ my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys .............. I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living ............. life over again.

I think of the years ....all too few ...... gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact ........ that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people ......... open and see..
Not a crabby old man. Look closer .... see ….. ME!!

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The Image Gallery

Watch and wait for the picture to change

Count them and wait!

Count them again after the picture has changed . .


WHERE DOES THE EXTRA MAN COME FROM?
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George Carlin - Rules to Live By

Life is not as difficult as people think; all one needs is a good set of rules. Since it is probably too late for you, here are some guidelines to pass along to your children.

1. Relax and take it easy. Don't get caught up in hollow conceits such as "doing something with your life." Such twaddle is outmoded and a sure formula for disappointment.

2. Whatever it is you pursue, try to do it just well enough to remain in the middle third of the field. Keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself and don't ask questions. Remember, the squeaky wheel is the first one to be replaced.

3. Size people up quickly, and develop rigid attitudes based on your first impression. If you try to delve deeper and get to "know" people, you're asking for trouble.

4. Don't fall for that superstitious nonsense about treating people the way you would like to be treated. It is a transparently narcissistic approach, and may be the sign of a weak mind.

5. Spend as much time as you can pleading and impressing others, even if it makes you unhappy. Pay special attention to shallow manipulators who can do you the most harm. Remember, in the overall scheme, you count for very little.

6. Surround yourself with inferiors and losers. Not only will you look good by comparison, but they will look up to you, and that will make you feel better.

7. Don't buy into the sentimental notion that everyone has shortcomings; it's the surest way of undermining yourself. Remember, the really best people have no defects. If you're not perfect, something is wrong.

8. If by some off chance you do detect a few faults, first, accept the fact that you are probably deeply flawed. Then make a list of your faults and dwell on them. Carry the list around and try to think of things to add. Blame yourself for everything.

9. Beware of intuition and gut instincts, they are completely unreliable. Instead, develop preconceived notions and don't waver unless someone tells you to. Then change your mind and adopt their point of view. But only if they seem to know what they're talking about.

10. Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work. Cling to it even when it is hopeless. Anyone can cut and run, but it takes a very special person to stay with something that is stupid and harmful.

11. Always remember, today doesn't count. Trying to make something out of today only robs you of precious time that could be spent daydreaming or resting up.

12. Try to dwell on the past. Think of all the mistakes you've made, and how much better it would be if you hadn't made them. Think of what you should have done, and blame yourself for not doing so. And don't go easy. Be really hard on yourself.

13. If by chance you make a fresh mistake, especially a costly one, try to repeat it a few times so you become familiar with it and can do it easily in the future. Write it down. Put it with your list of faults.

14. Beware also of the dangerous trap of looking ahead; it will only get you in trouble. Instead, try to drift along from day to day in a meandering fashion. Don't get sidetracked with some foolish "plan."

15. Finally, enjoy yourself all the time, and do whatever you want. Don't be seduced by that mindless chatter going around about "responsibility." That's exactly the sort of thing that can ruin your life.
 

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