-------------------

A Mexican Virus...

JOU HAVE YUST RECEIBED A MEHICAN BYRUS.
SIN WE NO HABE NO GOOD TECHNIOLOGICALLY ADBANCE IN
MEHICO, DEES IS A MANUAL BYRUS. PLEESE DELETE ALL JOUR FILES ON JOUR
HARD-DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND THEES E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW.
TANK JOU FOR HALPING ME.
JULIO MANUEL JOSE RODRIGUEZ 'MEHICAN HACKER'.

-------------------

THE BALANCE - as designed by God

God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired, 'Where have you been?'

God smiled, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it 'Earth', and it's going to be a place to test balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, 'I'm still confused.'

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, 'For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is go ing to be poor. Over here, I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.'

God continued pointing to different countries, 'This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area, and said, 'What's that one?'

'That's Washington State, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving and carriers of peace.'

Michael gasped in admiration, then asked, 'But, what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.'

God smiled, 'There's another Washington.

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

-----------------

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact, 'he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gaymen in contemporary society. 'After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple. 'Because I'm the guy who painted it, he replied.

In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

--------------

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf'

---------------

Papa Bear tossed and turned, but could not fall asleep.

When his restlessness woke Mama Bear, she cried in exasperation;

"How many times do I have to tell you? No coffee after September."

----------------

Men are like a pack of Cards:

A "heart" to love them
A "diamond" to marry them
A "club" to smack them and
A "spade" to bury the body.

----------------

French Gas Shortage

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.'

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

----------------

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?


Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.


Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

-------------------

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

-------------------

Top Ten Reasons Why Guns are Less Hassle than Women

10. You can trade an old .44 for a new .22
9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

1. You can buy a silencer for a gun.

-------------------

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and then notices! a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom to undress you and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!!"

Broken table - $200

Hot breakfast - $5

Red Rose bud - $3

Two aspirins - $0.25

Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless

----------------

13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favorite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh!
...Or men who need a warning.

And remember: Money talks .... but Chocolate SINGS!!!

-------------------

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention He noticed she was looking at two spiders
mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden

----------------

One Armed Man

A man lost one of his arms in an accident. He became Very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw a man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches

-----------------

THE HARDWARE STORE

Earl was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store .

At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Earl had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store

-----------------

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,

"Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?" Gennaro answers,

"I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, "Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?"

He replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight."

Gennaro gasps,

"Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!"

-----------------

2 OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS & DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE 2 OLD GEEZERS & WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST 2 BEDROOMS & PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD & DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING 2 OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD & THE 2 OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS & TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."

"A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK & I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN....
...SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW !

-----------------

WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

-----------------

"Vibrator versus Men"
Vibrators are better then men because in the morning you do not have to fix it breakfast.
Safe sex without a rubber.
A couple batteries and you do not have to put up with the crap, just turn it off when you are done with it!
As long as you have a new pack of energizers, the vibrator can keep going and going and going! (While you keep coming and coming!)
Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime, anywhere you want!
They do not burp, pass guess, belch or fall asleep on you.
You do not have to dress up for your vibrator.
You can show it off to your friends.
They never wake up at 4AM ! asking for another one.
It does not leave a wet spot. It can be stashed away in a drawer.
It does not have a mother!
It does not require "a little lip action" to get hard.
You know exactly where it has been.
Vibrators do not care if you get crumbs in the bed.
They never cum before you do.

---------------

"Good-Bad-Worse"

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You cannot find your birth control pills.
Worse: Your daughter has them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You are in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He is a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you do.

Good: Your son is maturing.
Bad: He is involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees speech to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.

Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She is a lawyer.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: The mail carrier had the same idea.
Worse: You have to wait.

--------------

"Marriage"
In an exclusive interview with OJ Simpson, the former football pro told The Investigative Reports Bureau of DirtyRottenScumbags he was going to get married. He said, "Yes, I think its time I take another stab at it."

---------------

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and share it with the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

'It's a period" he replied.

'I can see that,' said the teacher,'but what is so exciting about a period?

The little boy replied "Darned if I know" he said, "but this morning my sister was missing one, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy."

---------------

More Steven Wright...

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

So, do you live around here often?

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

What a nice night for an evening.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

-------------------

They had sex WHERE?

ROME June 11, 2008 (Reuters) - An Italian couple who were caught having sex in a church confessional box while morning Mass was being said have repented and made peace with the local bishop.

The couple, in their early 30s, were detained by police earlier this month after they had made love in the confessional box in the cathedral in northern Cesena. They were cautioned for obscene acts in public and disturbing a religious function.

Their lawyer said they had been drinking all night and realized they had gone too far.

The lawyer told the area's local newspaper on Wednesday the couple met with the local bishop on Tuesday night, asked for his forgiveness and that he had given it.

Last week the bishop celebrated a "Mass of reparation" in the cathedral where the confessional box incident took place to make up for the sacrilege.

-------------------------------

Officials shut eatery after finding turtle in sink
Jun 12, 3:08 PM (ET)

YORK, Pa. (AP) - Putting a snapping turtle in the kitchen sink got a York city restaurant shut down. Jim Zhao is working to bring his Panda Chinese Kitchen back up to code and hopes to be able to reopen on Thursday.

Zhao told WHTM-TV that "in China, a turtle is like a Buddha." It's supposed to bring good luck. Inspectors ordered the restaurant shut down on Friday after finding the turtle and other health code violations.

Zhao says he rescued the turtle because he saw a man trying to get rid of it in the parking lot, so put it in the sink until he could release it. He's now given it to a friend.

Zhao says the restaurant has never been shut down under his management, although he acknowledges that it has been closed in the past for other health code violations.

-------------------------------

Trial Aborted after Jurors play Sudoku

SYDNEY, June 10 (UPI) -- An Australian drug trial was aborted after three months when it was discovered that jurors were playing Sudoku in the jury box.

Judge Peter Zahra of District Court in Sydney released the jury after the forewoman admitted that she and four other jurors had spent a large amount of their time during the trial playing the popular game, the Sydney Morning Herald reported Tuesday.

Defense lawyers Adam Morison and Michael Coroneos filed to have the jury discharged after the two men accused in the trial said they saw the jury forewoman playing the game during one of the defendants' testimony. The forewoman admitted to spending about half of her time in the jury box playing the game.

Morison said it was "extraordinary that 105 witnesses, including 20 police, had been in the witness box and not seen what was happening."

Zahra verbally reprimanded the Sudoku players, but provincial laws do not allow for the prosecution of inattentive jurors.

------------------------

Conn. police find pipe bomb stuffed inside chicken
Jun 10, 7:48 AM (ET)
SIMSBURY, Conn. (AP) - Authorities in Connecticut are wondering who stuffed a raw roasting chicken with a pipe bomb and left it on a roadside.

Simsbury police Capt. Matthew Catania says a motorist noticed the chicken Monday morning. He says the bomb was large enough to harm a person if it went off.

The road was closed while the Hartford Police Department's bomb squad came and blew up the chicken.

Nobody was injured. No arrests had been made Monday night.

------------------------------

Scientists find Monkeys who Know how to Fish

BANGKOK, Thailand (AP) - Long-tailed macaque monkeys have a reputation for knowing how to find food - whether it be grabbing fruit from jungle trees or snatching a banana from a startled tourist.

Now, researchers say they have discovered groups of the silver-haired monkeys in Indonesia that fish.

Groups of long-tailed macaques were observed four times over the past eight years scooping up small fish with their hands and eating them along rivers in East Kalimantan and North Sumatra provinces, according to researchers from The Nature Conservancy and the Great Ape Trust.

---------------------------------

Bear takes Dip with Hotel Guests

OURAY, Colo., June 9 (UPI) -- Guests at a hotel in Ouray, Colo., said they were surprised when a "cute, little cinnamon bear" walked onto hotel grounds and got into the pool with them.

Ryan Hein, general manager of the Best Western Twin Peaks Motel in Ouray, said guests were lounging Thursday night when the "cute, little cinnamon bear walked into our pool area and decided to take a dip," the Grand Junction (Colo.) Daily Sentinel reported.

"He must have needed his muscles soothed," Hein joked. "He just jumped in for a little bit, and then crawled his way out."

Hein said it is not unusual for bears to wander onto the hotel's property because it borders wilderness.

"The bears seem not to be aggressive, but you never know. We're doing what we can to keep our guests safe," Hein said.

----------------------------

Man trying to kill bees burns down shed

MOBILE, Ala., June 6 (UPI) -- An Alabama man said he was only trying to get rid of some bees when he poured gasoline on them and caused his shed to burst into flames.

Joshua Mullen, 26, ended up with $80,000 in damages to his property Wednesday, the Mobile (Ala.) Press-Register reported.

"There were no injuries, unless you count the bees," said Mobile Fire-Rescue spokesman Steve Huffman.

--------------------------------

Stranded scuba divers stave off Komodo dragon
Jun 8, 10:00 AM (ET)
JAKARTA, Indonesia (AP) - A group of European scuba divers swept away in strong currents scrambled onto a remote Indonesian island only to face another threat: a Komodo dragon.

A port official said Sunday the divers from Britain, France and Sweden were able to scare off the giant lizard by pelting it with rocks and pieces of wood.

He said Komodo dragons often come out when they smell something new, including humans, whom they've been known to kill.

The five divers were swept away by treacherous currents after plunging into the water from their wooden boat on Thursday afternoon. They hit shore 12 hours later, after drifting 20 miles in shark-infested waters.

The divers spent one night on Rinca island before they were rescued.

-----------------------

Couples see Sex in Space

SANTA FE, N.M., June 5 (UPI) -- Virgin Galactic, a New Mexico space tourism company, said it has received several requests from couples seeking to be the first to have sex in space.

Will Whitehorn, president of the company, said the approach of Virgin's first planned space tourism flight, which is expected to take place in 2009, has led to many curious couples asking the company about sex in sub-orbital zero gravity, The Telegraph reported Thursday.

"We've had a variety of people inquire about it," Whitehorn said of space sex. "One got in touch about a charter flight so they could be the first to have intercourse in space and get in the Guinness Book of Records."

Dr. James Logan, an expert in space medicine, said the zero gravity portion of the first space tourism flights will last only five minutes, leaving very little time for intercourse. He said couples would likely find sex without gravity to be more trouble than it's worth.

"Sex in zero gravity would more or less be a flailing exercise quite frankly," he said. "Sex in Martian gravity might be pretty appealing though."

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Japanese patient's 'tumour' turns out to be 25-year-old towel

Wed Jun 4, 3:47 AM ET
TOKYO (AFP) - Doctors who carried out surgery on a Japanese man to remove a "tumour" had good news and bad news for him. He did not have cancer -- but the "growth" that had been causing him pain was in fact a 25-year-old surgical towel.

The patient had been carrying the cloth since 1983, when surgeons at the Asahi General Hospital in Chiba prefecture near Tokyo left it in him after an operation to treat an ulcer, a spokesman for the hospital said.

The man, now 49, went in to another hospital in late May after suffering abdominal pain.

When examinations found what was believed to be an eight-centimetre (3.2-inch) tumour, he underwent the operation to remove it. It was only then that surgeons realised it was a towel.

"The towel was greenish blue although we are not sure about its original colour," the Asahi General Hospital spokesman said, adding it had been crumpled to the size of a softball.

Asahi hospital officials visited the man and apologised, he said.

The former patient has no plans to sue the hospital, which is in talks with him over compensation or other measures, the official said.

Japanese media reports said the man, who was not identified, still had his spleen removed

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