A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possibg. The instructions were the story had to
contain the following three things:

1) Religion
2) Sexuality
3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class.

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."

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A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house.

Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the
doorbell.

He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"

The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

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Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait.

Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed
him of his worm.

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he
went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg.

Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

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A man and a woman were dating.

She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never
even seen her naked...

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit (60 MPH) you
drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 70, off came the
pants. At 75 it was her bra...and at 80 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time...and traveling faster than ever before, he became very excited and lost control of
the car.

He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree!

His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free, but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said.

"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the
road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replied,

"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

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Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt.

Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch.

He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try
putting something in it."

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Doing the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce

After 5 years of marriage, he payed her $49 million Plus, whatever he spent on her while married to her!

Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship (and having been married, we all know THAT doesn't
happen), it ends up costing him $26,849 per boinking, not counting attorney's fees, court costs and the incidental costs of
being married to her.

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour. And that's Crazy, right?

But... get this!

Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a
savings of $41+million). PLUS!!!

Value-added benefits are:
A HOT 22 year old babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no
bitching and complaining or any 'to do' lists.

Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with
no legal fees.

NOW, Is it just me, or is this the kind of math quiz they should be teaching in our schools?

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A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in
this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note
and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed
his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in
the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and
that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

-----------------------

ONE ON THE REPUBLICANS:

I remember the time that Catherine - my neighbor's daughter - told me that she wanted to be President one day. Both of her
parents are liberal democrats and were standing there with us - and I asked Catherine - 'If you were President what would be
the first thing you would do?'

Catherine replied - 'I would give houses to all the homeless people.'

'Wow - what a worthy goal you have there Catherine.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait to until your President to do that,
you can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in the back yard and I will pay you $5 dollars. Then we can go
over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $5 dollars to use for a new house.'

Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second, while her mom looked at me seething, and Catherine replied, 'why
doesn't the homeless guy come over and clean up the dog poop and you can pay him the $5 dollars.'

(Welcome to the Republican party, Catherine !!) Her parents were speechless.

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The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the
heck we were designed the way we were.

-Scientists say the higher your I.Q. the more you dream.

-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

-You use 200 muscles to take one step.

-The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

-Your big toes (like your thumbs) have two bones each while the rest have three.

-A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.

-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

-The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

-It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

-The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds
.
-Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

-At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

-There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

-Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

-The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

-Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

-When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

-Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.

-Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

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A man wrote a letter to the IRS: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax.

I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00.

If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”

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Airline Announcements:
United Flight Attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
--------
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please
make sure it's something we'd like to have."
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"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
-----------
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for
flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking tha t someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with
a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old
lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
---------
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella,
WHOA!"
-----------
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like
that."
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."
------------
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final
approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left
of our airplane to the gate!"
-------
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and
take them home with our compliments."
--------
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses....except for that gentleman over there."
--------
Heard on Southwest Airlines just aft er a very hard landing in Salt Lake City - The flight attendant came on the intercom and
said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it
wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
-------
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats
until Capt. Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
---------
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time
you get the insane urge to go blasti ng through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of U.S. Airways."
--------
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on
the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
-------
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop
from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax.... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and sa
id, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

--------------------

A perplexed Antartian female runs into a local police station.

"Somebody has stolen my car!!" she proclaims loudly.

The officer at the desk replies, "Settle down ma’am. Everything is going to be o.k. Now, did you get a description of the suspect?"

"No", the young Antartian replies. "But I did get the license plate number."

---------------------

A young girl was very much interested in the progress of her mother’s pregnancy.

Finally the day of birth drew near and the girl overheard arrangements being made for her mother to go to the hospital.

She looked at her mother with great puzzlement and said, “Mom, I don’t understand. If they’re going to deliver the baby, why do you have to go to the hospital?”

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Getting old is so hard sometimes!

Yesterday, I got Preparation H mixed up with Poli-Grip.

Now, I talk like an asshole...
...but at least my gums don't itch!

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Two molecules are walking down the street; one bumps into the other and says:

"Oh, my fault, you okay?”

The Second Molecule says: "No, I'm not ok, I've lost an electron!"

So the first molecule says: "Are you sure"

The second molecule answers, "I'm positive!"

-------------------

I’m reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity.

“I just can’t put it down.”

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An elderly couple stood before the family court judge after a long divorce trial.

The judge asked why they wanted a divorce after having been married for nearly 70 years.

They answered:" We wanted to wait, till after the kids had died".

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