Letter from Summer Camp...

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect some

thing to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he's a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jesse how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some Scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about us not wearing life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We! have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our Scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a pedal file? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Chris

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A woman with a headache went to her medicine cabinet to find a bottle of Advil.

She did as the bottle said:
take two and keep away from children.

Soon her headache went away!

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Men don’t get lost...

...they discover alternative destinations.

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Only in Scotland...

Bono, lead singer of the rock ban U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding his audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet...

"Well, f#%ckin' stop doin' it then, ya evil bastard!"

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A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear.

He says, “What is wrong with me?

The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”

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A vertically challenged psychic was arrested one day.

He escaped from jail.

The newspaper headline read, "SMALL MEDIUM AT-LARGE."

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A man goes to see his doctor.

The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth."

To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist."

"Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."

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Four animals a Snake, a Cock, a Cat and a Centipede, all heavy smokers, were playing cards together.

When the cigarettes run out, the snake, the big brother, said, "Cock, go out and get some packs! You know, I have NO legs."
"But why me?" said the Cock, "I have only TWO legs!"

So, the task fell on Centipede with no doubt. Centipede said nothing and left the room. The left three waited and waited, but Centipede did not show up. One hour later, they couldn't wait anymore.

"What's the devil Centipede doing?" Snake said impatiently, "Cat, go out and take a look!"

When Cat gets to the door, Centipede was just SITTING there!!!! So the angry Cat said, "What are you doing here?"

"Can't you see? I'm putting on my shoes,” said Centipede.

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An airline captain was helping a new Antartian flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.

Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

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A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his.

“Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight.”

When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, “Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway.”

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The age old question ....Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

ANDERSON COOPER-CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

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REPUBLICATS

Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREE KITTENS" next to them.

Suddenly a long line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. "Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked.

"Kittens" Little Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet."

"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked.

"Democrats" says Little Suzy. The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.

Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl with the kittens.
It w as planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these "democrat" kittens.

The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Everyone had their cameras ready and then Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy. "Now don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."

"Yes sir," Suzy said, "they are all REPUBLICAN kittens."

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, "But yesterday you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy says, "Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

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Why Ronald Reagan made such a great president ...

'The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'
'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just that they know so much that isn't so.'
'Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong.'
'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.'
'The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.'
'The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.'
'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.'
'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.'
'If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.'

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Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups.

When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.

"Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

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Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”

“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”

“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”

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After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling.

They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion." What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week! "

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesday and Thursday."

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A Blonde was driving home on the freeway after work when she was hit by a hailstorm that left her car completely dented all over.

She decided to go to a body shop and asked the owner how much he would charge to remove the dents. Seeing that she was a Blonde, he winked at his partner, and told her it wouldn't cost anything if she followed his instructions carefully.

She drove home and when her Blonde roommate came out of the house she found her friend sitting on the ground at the back of the car blowing really hard in the tail pipe.

"What on earth are you doing" she asked.

Her friend looking up with big smile and a black ring around her mouth said "The man at the body shop told me that I could save a lot of money on repair work if I blew really hard into the tail pipe. he said that all the dents would pop out"

"Duhhh" said her friend, "but first you have to roll up all the windows!!!"

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The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given question:

Why did God make mothers? 1.-She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2.-Think about it, it was the best way to get more people. 3.-Mostly to clean the house. 4.-To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers? 1.- He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2.- Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3.- God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom? 1.- We're related. 2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What ingredients are mothers made of? 1- God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2.-They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.

What kind of little girl was your mom? 1.- My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 2.- I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3.- They say she used to be nice.

How did your mom meet your dad? 1.- Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him? 1.- His last name. 2.- She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores.

What makes a real woman? 1.- It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house? 1.- Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball. 2.- Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3.- I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads? 1.- Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work. 2.- Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3.- Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your mom do in her spare time? 1.- Mothers don't do spare time. 2.-To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas? 1.- About 30 years. 2.- You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!

Describe the world's greatest mom? 1.- She would make broccoli taste like ice cream! 2.- She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your mom perfect? 1.- Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist. 2.- Her casserole recipes. But we hate them. 3.- Just her children

What would it take to make your mom perfect? 1.- On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2.- Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be? 1.- She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2.- I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

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BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, Baby Zoo, Baby Movies and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
GRANDCHILDREN:

God's reward for allowing your children to live.

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