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Your Weekly Joke Collection
has become The Thailand Page!
I regret to inform you that, while I am
still receiving your Jokes, I am not having the time to sort them and
print them out on a weekly basis -- about three hours a week. Being in
Thailand has been a chore. First, the travel. Second, the Jet Lag.
Third, the Thai New Year. Forth, the cultural embodiment of Life Is Fun,
Why do you worry about The Jokes...
...so -- if you continue to subscribe,
you get whatever Photo Stories I find time to do. No more time to do
Jokes. If I get bored and decide to do Jokes it would suggest that I
might return to Virgin Gorda. As it is, it is more likely that I will
stop doing Photo Stories...
Mac OSX Users:
Some newer Mac OSX users report difficulty watching these WMV Photo
Stories. In recent Joke Collections, I've been posting both WMV and MOV
for Mac videos. With the slow DSL and the large MOV file sizes, I won't
be able to do this for this volume of videos while in Thailand.
Click Here for
instructions how to watch WMV files on a Mac.
Update Monday April 14 at 5 pm (it's 6 am in Virgin
Gorda)
I'm finally over the jet lag and just about over landing
here in the middle of Thai New Year 2551! The Thai's have a
curious tradition of dousing everyone in the street with water and
talcum powder -- both from the sidewalk to the cars and from the people
on the cars back to the sidewalk. Makes for some great pictures.
In reviewing the previously posted Photo Stories, I
realized that the Jet Lag had caused me to miss some great shots that
were on my iPhone - you can catch these in Photo Story Four. Photo Story
Five is all about the delightful enclave where Marty lives, owned by
Mick from Australia. He and his family are interspersed in the New Years
Celebration.
I would like to make a few observations here about the
first week of my trip...
1) First Class Travel is very nice. I had the pleasure of
experiencing the latest when visiting California for the Rose Bowl, but
that was on American Airlines -- From JFK to Bangkok I was on JAL...
...the food on JAL is like eating in the best Japanese Restaurant.
2) ...JAL's travel hosts and hostesses are unbelievable - they anticipate
your every need
3) I got to watch six first run movies, so I won't need HBO for a long
time. Please be sure to see August Rush -- much of the music on the
Photo Stories comes from this sure to be Award Winning Movie/SoundTrack.
4) Traveling on foreign airlines like JAL and Thai put westerners in
their place -- the airport clubs don't allow mobile phones in public
areas, everyone is quiet and respectful, everyone is super-polite,
super-friendly, super-helpful and ALWAYS have a smile.
5) There is NO sign of obesity in Southeast Asia -- extremely attractive
people.
A word about The Jokes...
...I'm kinda busy right now, so it may be a week or two
before I post the jokes you all send. Keep sending them and bear with me. I'm having fun!
Here are the links to the Photo Stories previously posted
and the new ones...
...I've added some better descriptions, but not redone
the actual movies -- they represent what my jet lagged state of mind
must have been when I originally posted them...
Click the underlined bold for the Photo Story:
Photo
Story One: Virgin Gorda to Beef Island to San Juan - That's Bennu
taking me to Beef, Monique picking me up at Trellis in her new BMW X3
and then on to San Juan.
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Photo Story Two starts about the trip to JFK
where I spent the night at a Comfort Inn, not
realizing that it was 35 degrees in New York -- and
no jacket! The rest of this one is about you
enjoying vicariously the spectacular Japan Air Lines
service and menus that were delivered to me during
my 13 hours doing the Great Circle Route over the
Arctic (still frozen solid) and into Tokyo where
from the sea to the airport there are dozens of rice
paddies and GOLF COURSES which ALL had a GOLF CARD
and FOUR PLAYERS at EVERY HOLE on a day that was
maybe 50 degrees!
Photo Story Three was apparently when I was
going to combine everything and tired out during the
process. I have a directory on my hard drive that
says "Try This". It might have been best if I had
just waited a week for the jet lag to wear off --
so, what you get first is a really cool looking
staircase in the Admirals Club at San Juan, followed
by the ONLY useful area photo of JFK (that's in the
Bronx, right?) and then the STUNNING JAL terminal
and first class lounge at JFK before the sudden jump
to BANGKOK! Yeah. I should redo that. Maybe later.
Maybe not. Anyway, you actually MISS the first night
in Bangkok because it was on the iPHone and it shows
up in Trip4 below! Meanwhile, check out a city of 7
million that is spending 100 days in mourning the
death of it's Princess (like Di) and has the most
extraordinary shopping malls! The Erawan Shrine
featured in this story is world famous. It was built
in 1956 to protect the on-going construction of the
biggest hotel in Bangkok at the time, now the Grand
Hyatt Erawan and my place of lodging, which was
beset by many mishaps believed to be the result of
some disturbed and very powerful local spirits. Its
major distinction is the company of classical
dancers, whose services may be hired by devotees in
thanks for having granted their wishes.
Photo Story Four -- the lost iPhone
pictures... ... here you get to revisit the
Tokyo-Bangkok trip and some of the Bangkok nightlife
that didn't get on to the big camera. Amazing Tokyo
airport. More great JAL dinners with fun new friend
who carries her own pillow, and then the amazing
Hyatt Bangkok nightlife (free stay on points) before
leaving the equally amazing Bangkok airport for
Samui. Check out the Costco-Style Testco-Lotus --
amazing prices at 30 baht to 1 dollar and absolutely
fabulous fresh food! Please note all the smiles in
all the places. Yes, that's Marty in the pictures.
Photo Story Five MeaNam 5 is where I'm
living and Marty's enclave for four years as built
by Australian Mick whose pic's you'll see in the
Thailand New Year's Celebration 2551 aka Songkran.
The sub-division is crisp and clean and really neat.
The neighborhood has more coconuts and water buffalo
than you can imagine, as you can see from the
harvester with his machete on a bamboo pole in the
picture above. The New Years Festivities involve
dousing EVERYONE from sidewalks to cars and back
again with water -- just before the dry season. Oh,
and then there is the talcum powder. What's that all
about. And then you get to enjoy the beaches,
fishermen, ferries and low tide... |
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Photo
Story Six This morning, April 15, I had my first Thai Massage
at Fabulous. As you can see from the sign, a 1.5 hr Thai Massage is 300
baht -- $10. Afterwards I took a look at HomePro -- makes Home Depot
look amateur. For dinner, we went to the beach and enjoyed fresh seafood
at sunset with the moon becoming full overhead. Finally, it was time to
visit the Bar Scene in Lamai and Chaweng, where Marty challenged and
lost several billiard games to a very talented Thai bar girl.
Updated April 18...
The Girls - Marty and I were reflecting upon the attractive
nature of the Asian women's faces and trying to decide where each of
them might have been raised -- Thailand is in the middle of Southeast Asia, including Burma, Malasia, Viet Nam, Cambodia, et al. Enjoy the
special Photo Story of the
Faces of Thailand...
Updated April 19...
Photo Story Seven - Tried a beautiful spa with multiple
treatment huts set on tropical
grounds in a beachfront resort. A Sea Salt Scrub and Massage,
followed by tea and fresh pineapple in a garden setting cost a whopping $30
including tips. Followed this with a generous sushi lunch for $10 in a
chain restaurant called Zen located in a mall! In the evening, the weekly ex-pat Killer Pool Tournament with
complimentary chili played out at Jordan's near the beach.
Driving on Samui
Throughout the Photo Stories, you will see some
amazing pictures showing the nature of Driving on Samui...
There are three basic pre-requisites to driving on Samui
1- Drive like a maniac
2- Put on a blindfold
3- Get very drunk
You might find the concept a little unusual, but once
you're on the road, you'll see for yourself that an awful lot of other
people are diligently following this advice. Other gems of road wisdom
include not bothering to have a drivers license, recline the seat so you
can't see over the steering wheel, and if you're on a motorbike, piling
as many people on it as you possibly can. You can supplement lack of
people with dogs, chickens, monkeys, large bags of laundry or shopping,
and the occasional pig.
If you're lucky enough to be from Europe (not England) or America, drive
on the side of the road you're accustomed to. Sure, signs everywhere
remind you to drive on the left, but there are also signs saying "Water
Ahead Beside" and "Beware of Brick in Front of You", so who cares? The
same goes for the STOP signs at junctions leading onto the main road.
Better to ignore them, or you just might find yourself the target of
local ridicule. Just shoot out of the junction without looking left or
right, and you'll fit right in.
Other ways of blending in are obvious once you've been on the road for a
while. If you are faced with one large truck overtaking another, and
they are both heading your way at considerable speed, don't back down,
they will understand that you are no stranger to these roads. Should you
find yourself driving towards a vehicle that has stopped in the middle
of the road to turn right, make sure you overtake them on their right by
moving into the lane of oncoming traffic, preferably at the very moment
they are turning. And of course, whenever you open your car doors, do so
abruptly and without checking for bikes that might stupidly be driving
past your car a little too close. Oh, and to cheer the cars behind you,
slow down approaching a green light, and then rip through after it turns
red.
Parking can also be tremendous fun. If you are parking on a road that
doesn't see much traffic, stop somewhere that either blocks the view of
those coming out of a side turn, blocks the side turn altogether, or at
least. blocks someone's private entry or exit. On the other hand, if you
are parking in a busy area, such as Chaweng Beach Road, look out for
vehicles parked on the other side of the road, and when you spot a
suitably large one, park exactly opposite. Have no fear, no one will
come along and clamp your wheels, nor will they tow you to a
shame-riddled car pound somewhere remote and inaccessible, demanding
5,000 baht for the release of your vehicle. Such travesties of justice
simply don't occur on Samui.
When you return to your parked vehicle and see lines of traffic
emanating from the area in both directions, simply pretend the car isn't
yours and join in the shouting and abuse that the gridlocked drivers are
giving vent to -- it's very therapeutic. Now the legendary state of
Samui's roads can provide yet more challenges. As the roads are full of
potholes, or even entire stretches of subsiding cement, the trick is to
weave around them. This might be a touch difficult if you're drunk, but
keep practicing and you should eventually get the hang of it. Once you
can do it with skilled fluidity, please don't spoil it by ever putting
on your indicators, this will loose you all the street credibility you
may have gained earlier. If you can't restrain the urge, then try
indicating in the opposite direction to the one you are going in.
Taxi's, of course, are a special case, and deserve a paragraph all there
own. The smart thing to do when driving on Samui is to get behind an
empty taxi. You can spot them a mile off because they are driving very,
very slowly and no light is emitting from the meter. Once you are in
their wake, blast your horn continuously, without being tempted to
overtake them. The taxi will be extremely grateful to you, as this will
save the driver the effort of hooting HIS horn whenever he passes some
stray foreigner who may be unnaturally fond of walking. Better still, try
to get in front of an empty taxi and then roll down you passenger window
and pester pedestrian foreigners to let you give them a free lift
anywhere they want to go. This will increase your driving pleasure, if
not your life expectancy.
I haven't mentioned mobile phones yet because it seems rather obvious,
but in case any of you are missing the point, lets have it out. Driving
is definitely the time to catch up with everyone you know, so before you
set out, recharge your mobile to the max and off you go. Start by
calling you close friends, and any elderly relative with illness they
love to talk about. Next on the list, call any number that will reply
with a choice of further numbers to press depending on what service you
require, preferably ones with "hold" music as well. If you run out of
the above, call the local airport. It may take several attempts before
anyone answers, but once they do, get them to give you the entire daily
schedule of flights to and from Bangkok. If you get stuck in traffic,
stop using the phone until you are on the move again.
I hope this is all quite clear. If you've paid attention, you'll be
driving just like an islander in no time. And never forget the old
Chinese proverb "Man who drive like hell, bound to get there"
Meet Malee!
Meet Malee - A very delightful Thai woman from Sulin near
Cambodia. Twenty-nine year old mother of two who can prepare some of the
most astounding Thai dishes (make your eyes water and sneeze!) -- check
out the video. You will be seeing much more of her..
Updated April 20....
Maenam Soi 5
(Road 5) Marty's Neighborhood - You've already seen my digs in
Marty's enclave, but here's a bit more of the neighborhood which runs
from the Ring Road one block from the beach all the way up into estates
high in the mountains. In between are local neighborhoods, ex-pat
communities, farms, pastures, coconut groves and some amazing terrain
and wildlife.
Updated April 21...
Butterfly
Garden and Beach Villas at Laem -
The Samui Butterfly Garden is
located on the side of a hill at Laem Natien and features an enclosed
tropical park containing hundreds of butterflies, a display of insects
and moths and some beehives. A walk down the hill through the villas
brings you to several hillside pools cascading down to the beach to a
nice restaurant and bar overlooking the fishing boat inlet.
Updated April 22...
The Koh Samui
Ring Loop Tour - Start at the beach front temple in MaeNam,
visit the high country, visit the fishing beach at Bo Phut, see the Big
Buddha and surrounding temples, do down south to Lamai where the rocks
and cliffs rise from the sea, visit the fishing village of Thong Krut
before the interior and waterfalls approaching Nathon -- only 30 miles
round-trip!
Updated April 23...
Thai Golf on
Samui - I've been to dozens of golf courses and must admit that
the course on Samui is amazing. The owner of Singha Brewry built this
course about five years ago out of the rain forest on the slopes of a
mountain. The course covers about 300 feet vertically as it meanders up
and down the mountainside. There are NO level tee-to-green holes. There
are more hazards than fairways. Fortunately, in the Thai tradition,
everyone gets an electric cart, complete with expert-driver and
club/hole consultant lady caddy in pink uniforms. Mondays and Wednesdays
are discount play days so our cost for everything including tips was
about $75 per person. A torrential downpour midway provided added
entertainment and even more lush playing surfaces. We picked up a Dutch
golfer to play along who happens to have played the course on Monday
using only one ball (I used nine) and shot an 82! Don't forget to press Ctrl+Enter once the video begins to view it full screen. Oh, and I'm
sure you won't want to miss the video that Marty took of my
Golf Swing.
Updated April 24...
Listen to the
Thai Language - Marty once told me that the only reason he might
not be able to live in Thailand forever is because the language is so
difficult, he does not believe that a person over 50 can learn it. Short
of speaking with ex-pats and the few Thai who have learned English
fluently, living in Thailand can result in speaking to yourself!
Listening to Thai in public places or on TV over extended periods of
time can be hazardous! Thai is a tonal language, where each word can
have up to FIVE meanings or even more, depending upon the TONE spoken --
mid, low, falling, high, or rising (see chart above.) The word 'Mai'
can mean: a question mark, no, new, wood, silk, burn, or a colloquialism
for microphone. This exceptional word has SEVEN possible meanings
depending upon how spoken. So if you want to say: 'New wood doesn't burn
does it?' it could be written as 'mai mai mai mai mai?'
Perhaps now you are able to understand why it is difficult for any
farang over 50 to learn Thai, especially if one is becoming tone deaf!
Poppies Restaurant and Cottages - is perhaps the oldest local
restaurant and resort on the famous and beautiful Chaweng Beach. Dining
at Poppies has the warmth and snug feeling of being at some slightly
old-fashioned club, where comfort abounds and seriously good cuisine is
taken as a matter of course ;-) From the front entrance, a path
meanders past waterfalls, over streams, through a lush garden between
cottages down to the sea. Dine a couple of meters from the beach or in a
formal teak sala, decorated in the the traditional style of the Ayuttaya
period. Enjoy the excellent beach bar, with stools on stone as well as
down in the sand. The menu is mainly Thai, with finely presented,
wonderful tasting dishes by expert chef Gregg Montanez, who also
presents a comprehensive international section making it perfect for our
mixed group of Thai and Western clientele. Wish you could taste, smell
and hear the food, sea and live entertainment!
Marty pointed out that the discreet cottages we passed on
our way down to the restaurant did not seem to be air conditioned. I
ventured a guess that besides the cooling breezes and shaded
environment, the guests probably were taken with the sound of the sea
crashing on the shore...
...or maybe they were using Deep Sea Water Cooling like
what Ralph Rusher installed in the Maldives at Six Senses Resort --
where deep sea water cools everything without compressors! More on this
when Ralph comes to visit May 2...
Updated April 25...
About Starbucks...
Imagine my surprise and delight to find THREE Starbucks within 10
minutes of my house in Samui! As I am waking at 7 am (same as in Virgin
Gorda) I decided to adopt the same routine I had when living in
Kenilworth -- shower, dress, and head for Starbucks for an extra-shot
Grande Mocha, extra FAT, a tasty fresh pastry, and the morning paper. Imagine my
chagrin when both Starbucks in Chaweng didn't open until 9 AM! So, back
to the one at Big C near BoPhut which opens at 8 AM!
Unfortunately, the papers don't arrive until 10 AM, so I reading
yesterday's news, which I already know from watching television 12 hours
ahead of most of you. Anyway, I order my coffee and pastry and find it
costs 195 Baht -- about $6.30. Hmmm, sounds like Kenilworth
pricing, too. Unusual in Thailand where most everything is very
inexpensive. Oh well, worth it for the flashback ambiance. Might as well
buy a bag of coffee to take home. So, I pickup a bag of Sumatra -- they
are now only 8 ounces -- half a pound. Go to pay and it is 565 Baht --
$18 or $36 a pound! Meanwhile, a pound of gourmet espresso at Tesco
Lotus is under $12. What does a pound of Starbucks cost in Kenilworth
this week? Starbucks costs less at Chef's Pantry in Leverick Bay than in
Thailand -- must be the high cost of shipping.
By the way, Mick keeps his wife busy doing "room service". Compare these
prices to Starbucks or the diner in your neighborhood. Roughly 30 Baht=1
Dollar US.
Did I mention The Monsoons?
Check the Ko Samui Weather - Perhaps you recall the
torrential downpour that interrupted our golf game the other day?
Well
since then we've been in the midst of a minor monsoon! Mick's been
bailing water out of the pool!
...and the roads are getting flooded making it nasty for the bikers!
...and some seriously flooded neighborhoods.
Updated April 26th...
The Carnival
is in town!
Update April 30... (posted May
19)
Bon Voyage!
- Marty's last night in Thailand before leaving for Vancouver for
the summer found us at a Bon Voyage Party at ex-pat bar Jordan's --
where we played Killer Pool above -- complete with Elvis impersonator
and live band.
May 1st and 2nd... (posted May
19)
May Day! -
Marty and Lucky leave May 1 via ferry and Ralph and Bua arrive by
plane just in time for Happy Hour at Santiburi Golf Club and a Birthday
Party on the Beach!
May 3rd (posted May 19)
Samui Bird and
Tiger Zoo - Samui has a fabulous bird and tiger zoo with several
stage performances daily before a live audience. Tigers walk tight ropes
and jump through flaming hoops while exotic birds fly around the stadium
performing daring feats with the assistance of audience members. An
amazing show!
Samui Dining
- After the Zoo, it was time for lunch at Dr Frogs high on the
cliffs overlooking the sea in Lamai. The views of the cliffs, the sea,
and the fishing boats were only surpassed by the best pizza on the
island! For a late dinner and live entertainment we visited Chaweng and
Tropical Murphy's. A few days later, we had a sunset dinner on the beach
between Nathon and Maenam at Gusto's. Samui is known for it's beautiful
dining venues and excellent fresh foods.
May 4th (updated May 19)
Hideaway
Resort and Spa - Ralph is chief engineer for Six Senses Resort
in The Maldives, so he and Bua are granted free accommodations in the
sister resort on Samui. Enjoy this extraordinary photo tour of the
resort, restaurant and pool villa suite.
May 5th (updated May 19)
Lady Boy Bar
- When you fill out official forms in Thailand, there are three
choices under Gender: Male, Female and Alternative Female -- Lady Boys!
These are transvestites or transexuals who wish to be considered woman
and often go to great lengths to look beautiful and erotic. Some of them
choose to work as Bar Girls in clubs that are known to be Lady Boy Bars.
For some reason, both Marty and Ralph thought this fascinating, and I
was forced to visit them TWICE! Some of you picked up on the Lady Boys
in some of the earlier photo stories. This one is dedicated to The Lady
Boys!
May 7th (posted May 20)
House for Rent
- Mick Jr. build a house that you can rent just down the road from
Marty. Only $650 per month for this two bedroom with whirlpool spa,
satellite TV and spacious grounds. Mick also provided the great pictures
of the talking lizards, iguanas and water buffalo!
May 8th (posted May 10)
This is what I said on May 10:
Two weeks of missing updates will be
added upon my return to Virgin Gorda after May 13. With Marty leaving
May 1 and Ralph Rusher and new Thai wife Bua coming May 2, and me
leaving for Hong Kong May 9, it has been too busy to put together the
Photo Stories! Just wait -- the missing episodes are some of the
best yet! In the meantime, I've put together a teaser...
Thai Motor Bikes
- Did I mention that 80% of the vehicles in Thailand are 110cc
motor bikes? Some have side cars, including entire portable restaurants,
others can be seen carrying up to five people from babies to grandma!
The pictures in the three minute Photo Story were taken during Rush Hour
over a six minute shooting session in which I missed many of the passing
bikes. Simply Remarkable!
May 9th, 10th (posted May 20th)
Off to Hong
Kong! - A month in Thailand is over. Time to return to
Virgin Gorda. The trip goes through Hong Kong via hops from the Samui
airport, Bangkok 5 hour layover (manicure, pedicure, foot massage) on
Cathay Pacific (BEST airline in the WORLD) to Grand Hyatt Hong Kong. Old
friend Harold meets me at JJ's Bar in the Hyatt before showing me Wan
Chai -- where there are 80 bar's in one square mile of San
Francisco-like hills with ESCALATORS so you don't have to climb! The
streets are FILLED with people, no cars can get through. You also get to
enjoy my suite in the Grand Hyatt including eight fabulous restaurants. Hong Kong is
AMAZING!
May 11th (posted May 20)
Hong Kong
Central District - Took a walk today to see what the Central
District neighborhood was all about. Hong Kong is densely populated,
smoggy, yet extremely well prepared to deal with 11 million residents,
plus tourists in the way the infrastructure is laid out. This is a
downtown walking tour. Enjoy!
May 12th...
This is what I said on May 12:
Just about to leave for the airport
after a busy three nights in Hong Kong. Still haven't had time to do all
the interim Photo Stories, but thought you might like to take a Hong
Kong Tour via the Peak Tram
...and then May 17, I used
my own pictures!
Click on
Peak Tram -
to see the pictures I actually took on my fourth day in Hong Kong
when the weather cleared -- the haze is the smog of Hong Kong.
May 12th to 13th -- the journey
Home to Virgin Gorda (posted May20)
Homeward
Bound - These are the pics from the limo and the aircraft to
wrap up the trip. They are the best I could do through the windows. You
get to see the immense container shipping infrastructure of Hong Kong
(astonishing!) and the spectacular bridges, airports and aerial views of
Hong Kong, Toronto, Boston and home. Oh, and the SEVEN movies I watched
on the plane. Glad to be back. End of page.
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