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Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day:

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on, back-and-forth.

"Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all cost, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary )

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S . Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.


(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted, wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.


(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)

A--hole.

(Gary )

B**ch.

(Rebecca)

F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL.

(Gary)

Go drink some tea - **ore.

(TEACHER)

A+ I really liked this one.

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Two friends are talking and one says to the other; “I am so tired of people not understanding what I'm talking about."

His friend asks; “What do you mean?”

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"An aide to the prime minister of Canada called President Bush a moron.

Well that's not fair. Here's a guy who never worked a day in his life, got rich off his Dad's money, lost the popular vote and ended up president.

That's not a moron, that's genius!"
~Jay Leno

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As I was watching my 12 year old son putting a model car together and getting more frustrated by the minute until he was screaming.

I walked in the kitchen and calmly said “Tom you know what they say about patience"

He looked up at me and said "I know Mom patience is a VIRGIN"

I just smiled and said well yes you could say that too.

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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

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A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

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The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7.. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart..Then you are just an old sour fart!

A good laugh will do that for you.

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One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma '

And they say blondes are dumb...

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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

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Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

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Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

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After struggling for many hours deep within the forest of stately hardwoods, the new lumberjack finally quit.

He just couldn't hack it.

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You know you've entered the Snapdragon stage of your life...

...when part of you has snapped...

...and the rest of you is draggin!

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A man who had come out of a complicated abdominal surgery was complaining of having a bump on his head and a terrible headache.

The nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post operative shock, spoke to the surgeon about it.

The doctor assured the nurse, “don’t worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway into the operation we ran out of anesthetic.”

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Animal Care Hints and Tips

The Best Spot in the Mouth to Place the Pill - For a pill or capsule, you have to reach inside the mouth and get it over the base of the tongue. Then you quickly hold the pet's mouth closed and gently give a puff of air in the pet's face/nostrils that will cause the pet to swallow reflexively.

Also, if your pet suffers an emergency at home, chances are you have just what you need to remedy the situation in your pantry or medicine cabinet.

3 Percent Solution of Hydrogen Peroxide - This remedy, used if your pet has gotten into something poisonous, induces vomiting. Give 1 teaspoon per 5 pounds of body weight; the process may be repeated once. Note: Mineral oil and milk of magnesia can be used for toxin ingestion.

Credit Card and Benadryl - This home remedy will help with bee stings. Remove the stinger by scraping the area with a credit card; apply a baking soda paste as a poultice. For an allergic reaction, administer a dosage of Benadryl (1 mg/lb) every six hours. Benadryl comes in 25 mg capsules or as a liquid. For pets up to 30 pounds, use 25 mg. For pets 30 to 80 pounds, use 50 mg. For pets 80 pounds and up, use 75 mg.

Dryer Sheet - Use a dryer sheet to help with thunderstorm phobias. Anxiety in a pet during a thunderstorm isn't the flashes of light or the sound, but a buildup of static electricity in their coat. Rub a dryer sheet on the coat to remove the static electricity. It will reduce or eliminate the pet's extreme anxiety and discomfort. (This method works about 50 percent of the time.)

Pepto Bismol - Use Pepto to help with an upset stomach and vomiting. Use this only for dogs; it contains an aspirin-like substance that is bad for cats. The dose for a dog (either liquid or tablets) is a child's dose for every 40 pounds of body weight every six hours. For example: A 10-pound dog would receive one-quarter of a child's dose, and an 80-pound dog would receive twice the amount of a child's dose.

Kaopectate - Kaopectate helps with diarrhea. You can also give your pet Gatorade, Pedialyte, or Ensure to rehydrate and replace potassium, sodium, and essential minerals after diarrhea or vomiting.

Canned Pumpkin (No Spices) - Canned pumpkin helps with constipation. Note: You can also use Dulcolax or Metamucil.

Vaseline - Use Vaseline on cuts or to prevent ice formation. Rub it on the affected area to protect a wound from further contamination. You can also place it between the animal's pads or toes during the winter to prevent ice formation.

Epsom Salts - Use Epsom salts for abscess/wound treatment. Use the salts in a soak for irritated, itchy skin.

Things to Remember When Using Household Remedies - You should always consult your vet first regarding your pet's situation and then he or she can suggest a home remedy for you to try. Depending on your pet's weight, your vet will determine what dosage you should give. Depending on what's wrong with your pet, the vet will have you give the home remedy, then consult back with him or her in a couple days if the situation worsens or doesn't improve.

Pet First Aid Kit
Humans aren't the only ones who fall victim to emergencies requiring first aid; our pets sometimes find themselves with scrapes, cuts, bumps, or other mishaps requiring attention. For minor problems, or to stabilize your pet until it can be brought to a veterinarian, Paw-Paw Industries has put together a first-aid kit that can address any number of injuries.

The first-aid kit includes a booklet on treating your pet's injuries; In Case of Fire stickers to alert firemen that there are pets living in your house; tweezers and scissors; a plunge syringe for administering liquid medication or flushing out eyes or wounds; bandages and medical tape; cotton-tipped applicator swabs; castile soap, a glycerin-based antibacterial cleanser; antiseptic wound cleaners and antibacterial ointments; antihistamine; a pair of latex gloves; an instant cold pack; an emergency blanket; and a styptic pencil.

For more information, go to www.pawpawind.com

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Who knew?

Eliminate ear mites. All it takes is a few drops of Wesson Corn Oil in your cat's ear... massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.

Kills fleas instantly... Dawn Dishwashing Liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Good-bye fleas.

Rainy day cure for dog odor: Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Did you know that drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately-without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional pain relievers?

Did you know that Colgate Toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns?

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 tablespoon horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-even though the product was never been advertised for this use.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes... cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus: Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine Mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection... to prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear Nail Polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... if menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover: Just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's Tomato Paste boil cure... cover the boil with Hunt's Tomato Paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters... to disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine, a powerful antiseptic.

Vinegar to heal bruises... soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief... it's not for breakfast any more! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

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