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At 00:57 a.m. on Wednesday 27th February an earthquake measuring 5.3 on the Richter scale hit Grimsby, Lincs, causing untold disruption and distress. Victims were seen wandering around aimless muttering 'foockin 'ell'.

Many were woken well before their giro arrived. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged.

Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.

Thousands were confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Grimsby.

One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17-year-old mother-of-three said 'It was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it. My punter got dressed and left. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning.'

According to police, however, looting, mugging and joyriding did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken masses. Rescue workers are still sifting through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, heroin and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include: -- Fila or Burberry baseball caps -- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) -- Shell suits (female) -- White sport socks -- Rockport boots -- Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include: -- Microwave meals -- Tins of baked beans -- Ice cream -- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family

£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Thanking you for you consideration and cooperation.

*Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in claret - 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked - 'Hainton Avenue' said the girl, 'woss that got to do wiv it?'

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An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.

When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

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A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service.

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A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.

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Teacher: What are the four main food groups?

Students: Canned, frozen, instant, and lite.

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A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ... Helllooo ... bottles won't fit in printers!

March
Got really excited ... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months .. box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid ... wrong instructions ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!

June
Tried to go water skiing ... couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition ... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm ... car was swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C"... isn't it?

October
Hate M & M's .. they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December
Couldn't call 911 ... "duh" ... there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
"My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL.'"

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A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in ALASKA, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania and Texas.

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC !!!

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Q: What can you put your money into that is sure to go up?

A: Taxes

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A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

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Irish Archaeology

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists Found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the Conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more Than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English Scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in The English newspapers read: 'English archaeologists have found traces Of 2000 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors Already had an advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots..'

One week later, 'The Kerrymen,' a southwest Irish newsletter, reported The following: 'After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee , Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found Absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 3000 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.'

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Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.

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Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. They just declare darkness the standard

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The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children in the 5th and 6th grades in Ohio. They were collected by two teachers over a period of three years.

Enjoy some of the most humorous ones left untouched for their grammar, misplaced modifiers, and, of course, spelling.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds Like he was sort of busy too.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shake- speare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands... Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam- boat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long. People got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true.

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

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Politics Explained (updated)

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

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2008 Tax Code

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2008, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

The brackets are as follows:

10" - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00
8" - 10" Pole Tax $250.00
5" - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00
3" - 5" Nuisance Tax $ 30.00

Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.

Anyone under 3" is eligible for a tax refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

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Bed Time Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

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A Welshman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

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THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

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“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.

“Keep it,” the clerk advises.

“When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”

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Golf Rules

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 30 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

Everyone replaces their divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

It’s surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt …………. for a 10.

There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you’ve looked up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he’s duty bound to subsequently make a triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.

There are only two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

A good ‘foursomes’ partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his bunkers.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon.

On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery.

If you recognise any of this you can count yourself as part of the real golf fraternity

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Military Language Conversion Chart

NAVY / USMC /USCG	ARMY	AIR FORCE
Head	Latrine	Powder Room
Rack	Bunk	Single with ruffle and duvet
Mess Deck / Chow Hall	Mess Hall / Mess Tent	Dining Facility or 'The Cafe'
'Cookie', stew burner	Mess Cook	Contract Chef
Coffee / Mud	Cup of Joe	Vanilla Skim Latte'
Bug Juice	Kool-Aid	Shirley Temple
Utilities / Digitals	BDUs / ACUs	Casual Wear
Seaman / Private	Private	Bobby / Jimmy
Chief / Gunny	Sergeant	Bob / Jim
Captain / Skipper	Colonel	Robert / James
Captain's Mast	Article 15	Time Out
Berthing / Barracks	Barracks	Apartment
Skivvies / U-Trau	Underwear	Undies
Thrown in the Brig	Put in Confinement	Grounded
Zoom Bag	Flight Suit	Business Casual
Cover / Head Gear	Beret	Optional
Ship's Store / NEX	PX  (PX Trailer)	AAFES  Shopping Mall
TAD	TDY	PCS with family
Cruise / Afloat	Deploy	Huh?
Ground Grabbers	Athletic Shoes	Flip-Flops
Die for your Country	Die for your Battle Buddy	Die for Air Conditioning
Shipmate / Marine	Battle Buddy	Don't Ask, Don 't Tell or Honey
Terminate /  Kill	Take Out	Back on Base for Happy Hour
Boon Dockers	Jump Boots	Birkenstocks
Low Quarters	Low Quarters	Patent Leather Pumps
RECON/SEAL	SF/Ranger	Librarian
Shore Patrol / MPs	MPs	SF
Oouh-Rah!	Hoo-ah!	Hip-Hip hurray!
MRE	MRE	Happy Meal To Go
Salute	Salute	Wave
Obstacle Course	Confidence Course	Class 6 Parking Lot
Grinder / Drill Field	Parade Field	What?
Ge-Dunk	Snack Bar	Chuck E. Cheese
PT Test	APFT	'No conversion available'
Dept. of the Navy	DoD	DoD Lite
Midshipman	Cadet	Debutant
Hard-Core	Strak	'Way Too Serious'

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The Image Gallery