The One Common Denominator

If you are searching for the common denominator in your life, you are in luck. You are it.

Now that you know you are the only consistent factor in any situation, you can begin to figure out how you are contributing to your recurring challenges and problems. This is great news because, once you realize you are at least part of the problem, you can begin to change your behavior, beliefs and attitudes that are contributing to the situation.

Keep in mind that you have to concern yourself only with you, not with anyone else. You are the only one you can change. So don’t focus outside yourself. Focus on the common denominator. You will be amazed at the difference this process will make in your life.

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What does a person need -- really need?

A few pounds of food everyday, heat and shelter, 6 feet to lie down in -- and some form of activity that will yield a sense of accomplishment. That's all -- in the material sense.

And we know it. But we are brainwashed by our socio-economic system until we end up in a tomb beneath a pyramid of time payments, mortgages, and preposterous gadgetry -- playthings that divert our attention from the sheer idiocy of the charade.
The years thunder by. The dreams of youth grow dim where they lay caked in the dust on the shelves of patience. Before we know it, the tomb is sealed.

It is reassuring to know of someone who doesn't need two cars in the garage, a house in the suburbs and an annual membership at the country club to be happy. If one can do it, can't we all?

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This is such excellent information. Please read and heed!! A great way to protect yourself from viruses, etc. I know that I get many e-mails a day with lists of other people's e-mails attached. I don't need that info and they sure don't need mine. Please read this easy way to eliminate all the extra stuff that attaches to e-mail when we forward it on without deleting.


I know that many of you already follow these rule, so do not be offended. A computer expert received the following directly from a system administrator for a corporate system. It is an excellent message that ABSOLUTELY applies to ALL of us who send e-mails. Please read the short letter below, even if you're sure you already follow proper procedures.

Do you really know how to forward e-mails? 50% of us do; 50% DO NOT.

Do you wonder why you get viruses or junk mail? Do you hate it? Every time you forward an e-mail there is information left over from the people who got the message before you, namely their e-mail addresses and names. As the messages get forwarded along, the list of addresses builds, and builds, and builds, and all it takes is for some poor sap to get a virus, and his or her computer can send that virus to every E-mail address that has come across his computer. Or, someone can take all of those addresses and sell them or send junk mail to them in the hopes that you will go to the site and he will make five cents for each hit. That's right, all of that inconvenience over a nickel! How do you stop it? Well, there are several easy steps. Try the following if you haven't done it before:

(1) When you forward an e-mail, DELETE all of the other addresses that appear in the body of the message (at the top). That's right, DELETE them. Highlight them and delete them, backspace them, cut them, whatever it is you know how to do. It only takes a second. You MUST click the "Forward" button first and then you will have full editing capabilities against the
body and headers of the message. If you don't click on "Forward" first, you won't be able to edit the message at all.

(2) Whenever you send an e-mail to more than one person, do NOT use the To: or Cc: fields for adding e-mail addresses. Always use the BCC:(blind carbon copy) field for listing the e-mail addresses. This is the way the people you send to will only see their own e-mail address. If you don't see your BCC: option click on where it says To: and your address list will appear. Highlight the address and choose BCC: and that's it, it's that easy. When you send to BCC: your message will automatically say "Undisclosed Recipients in the "TO:" field of the people who receive it.

(3) Remove any "FW :" in the subject line. You can re-name the subject if you wish or even fix spelling.

(4) ALWAYS hit your Forward button from the actual e-mail yo u are reading. Ever get those e-mails that you have to open 10 pages to read the one page with the information on it? By Forwarding from the actual page you wish someone to view, you stop them from having to open many e-mails just to see what you sent.

(5) Have you ever gotten an email that is a petition? It states a position and asks you to add your name and address and to forward it to 10 or 15 people or your entire address book. The email can be forwarded on and on and can collect thousands of names and email addresses . A FACT: The completed petition is actually worth a couple of bucks to a professional spammer because of the wealth of valid names and email addresses contained therein. DO NOT put your email address of any petition. If you want to support the petition, send it as your own personal letter to the intended recipient. Your position may carry more weight as a personal letter than a laundry list of names and email address on a petition. (And don't believe the ones that say that the email is being traced, it just ain't so!)

Some of the other emails to delete and not forward are:

1. The one that says something like, "Send this email to 10 people and you'll see something great run across your screen." Or sometimes they'll just tease you by saying 'something really cute will happen.' IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!!!!! (We are still seeing some of the same emails that we waited on 10 years ago!)

2. I don't let the bad luck ones scare me either, they get trashed.

3. Before you forward an 'Amber Alert' , or a 'Virus Alert' , or some of the other emails floating around nowadays, check them out before you forward them. Most of them are junk mail that's been circling the net for YEARS! Just about everything you receive in an email that is in question can be checked out a Snopes. Just go to _www.snopes.com_ () . It's really easy to find out if it's real or not. If it's not, please don't pass it on.

4. Also, strip out (delete) all the carets > that appear on forwarded messages.

So please, in the future, let's do our bit to stop the junk mail and the viruses.

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Happy Valentine's Day!

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day.

When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

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Chocolate is a Vegetable

Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which place them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. (We're testing this with other snack foods as well.)

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

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I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....

Scared the crap out of me! So that's it!

After today, no more reading.

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Two US Marines are listening to the radio in Iraq.

"American soldiers," coos a soft female voice, "Your so-called national Leaders have lied to you. You are needlessly risking your lives to wage A useless, unjust, illegal, and unwinnable war. Now is the time to return home to your loved ones, while you are still alive. If you foolishly insist on remaining where you are not wanted, the brave resistance fighters will have no choice but to kill you and add your name to the long ever-increasing casualty list of this insane war. So why risk never seeing your loved ones again for a so-called president who has repeatedly lied and deceived you at every opportunity? Why should you be sacrificed so that US corporations can enjoy fatter profits? The only wise thing to do is return home now, while you are still drawing breath, before you return zippered into a bodybag."

"What's this?" sneers one Marine. "An Islamo-terrorist version of Tokyo Rose?"

"No," answers the other. "It's just CNN!"

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The meaning of "secure a building" in different branches of the military:

If you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

Air Force personnel would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

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OK retired guys, take notes!

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Walmart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and ran domly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO ! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least ....

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

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wireless security system

How to install a wireless security system in four easy steps:

1. Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair.

2. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.

3. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dish.

4. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hour. Don't disturb the Pit Bulls, they've just been wormed."

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Sometimes, change is hard to accept....

The new Supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh butter.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

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It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."

"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?"

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Shyness?

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.

Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.

Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila®: Leave Shyness Behind

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A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"

The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!"

So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says..."Probably at work!"

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IF you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning .. uphill BOTH ways ....through year 'round blizzards. Carrying their younger siblings on their backs ... to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a Straight-A average, despite their full-time, after-school job at the local textile mill ... where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that...

I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter .... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and messed it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Play station video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! .... Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up ... we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire .. imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

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A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, “I want to open a damn checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Listen up. Damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now.”

“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.”

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?

“There is no damn problem,” the man says. “I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in the damn bank.”

“I see,” says the manager, “and is this bitch giving you a hard time?”

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Variation on a Theme...

Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a killer Rottweiler. The dog had already locked his jaws on the boys leg.

Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline, 'Brave Boston Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal.'

"But I'm not a Boston Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected. "Sorry" replied the Reporter. "But since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began, "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack"

"But I'm not a John Kerry fan either," the boy responds. The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Red Sox, John Kerry , or Ted Kennedy . What team or person do you like?''.

"I'm a Texas Ranger fan, and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again: "Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."

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ALL ABOUT TEXAS

If someone at a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas or Houston for the weekend, you may live in Texas

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked because you have a gun, you may live in Texas

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas

If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Texas

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Texas friends & others, you definitely live in Texas
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Need a vacation? Here is a list of actual places to travel to in Texas :

Need to be cheered up?
Happy, Texas 79042
Pep, Texas 79353
Smiley, Texas 78159
Paradise,Texas 76073
Rainbow, Texas 76077
Sweet Home, Texas 77987
Comfort, Texas 78013
Friendship, Texas 76530

Love the Sun?
Sun City, Texas 78628
Sunrise, Texas 76661
Sunset, Texas 76270
Sundown, Texas 79372
Sunray, Texas 79086
Sunny Side, Texas 77423

Want something to eat?
Bacon, Texas 76301
Noodle, Texas 79536
Oatmeal, Texas 78605
Turkey, Texas 79261
Trout, Texas 75789
Sugar Land , Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice, Texas 75155
And top it off with:
Sweetwater, Texas 79556

Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all!
Detroit, Texas 75436
Colorado City, Texas 79512
Denver City, Texas 79323
Nevada, Texas 75173
Memphis, Texas 79245
Miami, Texas 79059
Boston, Texas 75570
Santa Fe, Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony, Texas 75861
Reno, Texas 75462

Feel like traveling outside the country? Don't bother buying a plane ticket!
Athens, Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China, Texas 77613
Egypt, Texas 77436
Turkey, Texas 79261
London , Texas 76854
New London, Texas 75682
Paris, Texas 75460

No need to travel to Washington D.C.
Whitehouse , Texas 75791

We even have a city named after our planet!
Earth , Texas 79031

And a city named after our State!
Texas City , Texas 77590

Exhausted?
Energy , Texas 76452

Cold?
Blanket, Texas 76432
Winters, Texas

Like to read about History?
Santa Anna , Texas
Goliad , Texas
Alamo , Texas
Gun Barrel City , Texas

Need Office Supplies?
Staples, Texas 78670

Men are from Mars, woman are from
Venus, Texas 76084

You guessed it... it's on the state line...
Texline , Texas 79087

For the kids...
Kermit, Texas 79745
Elmo, Texas 75118
Nemo, Texas 76070
Tarzan, Texas 79783
Winnie, Texas 77665
Sylvester, Texas 79560

Other city names in Texas, to make you smile..... :
Frognot, Texas 75424
Bigfoot, Texas 78005
Hogeye, Texas 75423
Cactus, Texas 79013
Notrees, Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest, Texas 76886
Kickapoo, Texas 75763
Dime Box, Texas
Telephone, Texas 75488
Telegraph, Texas 76883
Whiteface, Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079

Don't like politics? The Anti-Al Gore City
Kilgore , Texas 75662 (for the Reds)
Crawford , Texas (for the Blues)

Have a Good Day!

P.S. Whoops, left out
Muleshoe
Cut'n shoot,
Hoot And Holler,
Ding Dong, and don't forget......
Farewell, Texas

And, of course, there is a place in Texas that is......
KNOTT , TEXAS

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TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

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Dean and Jerry were riding a train across the west.

Jerry looked out the window and saw a whole lot of buffalo roaming the range. Look at that big bunch of buffalo said Jerry.

Dean: Don’t say bunch say herd.

Jerry: Heard what.

Dean: Herd of buffalo.

Jerry: Sure I’ve heard of buffalo.

Dean: No... you don’t understand, a buffalo herd.

Jerry: I don’t care what a buffalo heard I ain”t said nothing that I’m ashamed of.

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About Driving...

Another way to solve the traffic problems of this country is to pass a law that only paid-for cars be allowed to use the highways. ~Will Rogers

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. ~Dave Barry, "Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn"

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. ~Albert Einstein

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Selected Auto Insurance Claims from Abroad:

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were -
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn.
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo.

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably “Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the claim.

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Driving & Religion

A Catholic priest and a Methodist pastor from two local churches are standing by the side of the road, feverishly pounding a handmade sign into the ground with a large rock. The sign reads:

The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!

As a car speeds past them, the driver yells, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say "Bridge Out?"

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Calvin sees Elmer and asks: What’s up?

Elmer says; first I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations.

Calvin says: Boy, you had a time!

Elmer: I’ll say! I thought I’d never pull trough that spelling test.

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A young polar bear asks his father, "Dad, am I 100% Polar Bear"

The father bear responds, "Well, son, I am all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your grandparents, even your great grandparents are 100% polar bear. So yes, son, you are 100% polar bear. Why do you ask?"

The young polar bear replies "Because I am really cold!"

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A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Belfast and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Interested he goes to learn more

'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre operator sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is. OK the job entails you getting female patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair; then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of £45,000 but you're going to have to go to Dublin.'

'Oh why, is that where the job's based?'

'No - that's the end of the queue.'

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UK v USA v OZ Police

Question: How do you tell the difference between a UK Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer: Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, and raises the knife and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?'

UK Police Officer's Answer:

1) Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

2) Does the man look poor or oppressed?

3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

4) Could we run away?

5) Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

6) What does the law say about this situation?

7) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

8) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

9) Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

12) Should I call 9-9-9?

13) Why is this street so deserted?

14) We need to raise taxes, have a paint-and-weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior?

15) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away; do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?

16) If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?


Australian Officer's Answer:

1) BANG!


American Officer's Answer:

1) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click....(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!!!!!!!!!!!

Click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?''

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