----------------

Enjoy Your Hot Chocolate

A group of graduates, well established in their careers, were talking at a reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired. During their visit, the conversation turned to complaints about stress in their work and lives. Offering his guests hot chocolate, the professor went into the kitchen and returned with a large pot of hot chocolate and an assortment of cups - porcelain, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the hot chocolate.

When they all had a cup of hot chocolate in hand, the professor said: "Notice that all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. The cup that you're drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the hot chocolate. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was hot chocolate, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.

Now consider this: Life is the hot chocolate; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life. The cup you have does not define, nor change the quality of life you have. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the hot chocolate God has provided us. God makes the hot chocolate, man chooses the cups.

The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything that they have.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. And enjoy your hot chocolate in 2008!

Carpe Diem!

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Bad Logos Series...
New Year’s Goat Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for the New Year Sunday dinner.

While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

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A friendly New Year’s Eve tradition

On New Year's Eve Judy stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

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Penance for not keeping resolutions

As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

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School 1960 vs. School 2007

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.
1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college,and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .
1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.
1960 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.
2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1960 - Ants die.
2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

Fact or fiction?
Please discuss, but only secretly with close friends or a case of political incorrectness for individualistic thinking will be brought.

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NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says 'Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?'

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Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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Great Ads Series...
An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream.

She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong.

She said "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried." She asked him "if I died tomorrow would you get remarried?"

He said "sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely."

Then she asked "well would you two live in this house?"

He replied "sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage."

She asked again, angry now "well would she sleep in this bed?"

He snickered and said "yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to rid of it."

She asked irately, "well would she use my golf clubs?"

He replied with a straight, serious face "no. She's left handed."

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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs,enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'

'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied,'Father, it's me,............ Sister Kathleen!'

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky.

He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket.

He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket.

He orders a third shot and does the same thing.

After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.

Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy, "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."

The guy slurs, "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good. Then I go home."

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It was a stormy night.

A guy was driving in some mountains and his car broke down. He stopped it by a tree and walked down the highway looking for help. A headlight started to approach him from behind. He turned back and noticed a car coming forth very slowly. He walked up to it, opened the door, and sat on the passenger's seat. Then he suddenly notices that there was no driver, but the car was moving!

Before the guy could decide what to do, a sharp turn appeared a few meters before the car and it seemed that the car was going to go off the cliff. The guy trembled in fright, but a pale hand came in from the open window and turned the steering wheel! When the car finished turning around the curve, the hand withdrew. Every time there was a turn, the same hand would come in and guide the wheels of the car to safety.

The guy could not believe all this. As soon as he saw the lights of some rest stop by the road he jumped off the car and ran into a bar, pale, wet, trembling, and telling everybody that he had a most creepy, supernatural experience.

Then two young men dripping in mud came into the bar. One saw the guy and said, "Hey, that's the stupid fellow that got in our car while were pushing."

-------------------

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said: "Call for backup."

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(Subway Staircase Entrance)
Q. How do you make holy water?

A. Boil the hell out of it.

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Two guys met in the middle of the desert.

One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella. The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?"

To which the guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah”, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don’t even have a car to go with it”

The guy with the car door says, "yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"

--------------------

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.

"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That"s the owner."

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Hillary Clinton was walking along the parkway one morning when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the Potomac.

The current swept her into the middle of the river before the Secret Service guys could get to her. However, three kids who were fishing in a rowboat pulled her out of the water. Hillary was so grateful that she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

"No problem," Hillary replied, "I'll take you there on Air Force One when I’m President".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Air Jordan's."

Hillary said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset."

Hillary, a little perplexed, replied, "That's fine, son. But why do you want a wheelchair? Doesn't look like you need one!"

The kid said, "I will, after my dad finds out I saved your butt from drowning."

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POLITICAL WISDOM FROM A COUNTRY PREACHER WISDOM

I remember the story about the old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do- and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey... "Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be O.K. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."
The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a...
...Politician"!

------------------

An Antartian decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the Antartian begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when...
...Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

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Polar Bear Attack!

-----------------------------

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

This week is National Mental Health Care Week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

Well....my job is done.

Your turn.

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Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10.I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.


Your Personality:

1. The whole thing:
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with his or her children.

2. One bite at a time:
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and Methodical:
You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.

4. Feverous Nibbles:
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked:
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie:
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie:
You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside:
You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them:
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreos:
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to upscale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prissy.

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Chris had just turned 16 had long hair, and look like Joe Dirt.

He went to his dad and asked: "Dad it is my 16th birthday! I would like you to by me a car for my birthday.”

So his dad replied, "Son, I will buy you any car that you want as long as you raise your grades AND cut your hair."

Chris said ok. The next week, Chris brought home a report card he had raised all his grades from c's and d's to all a's. His father was very happy!

Now Chris was so excited he told his dad what car he wanted a, convertible mustang (red). His dad said, "Chris you haven't cut your hair."

Chris replied, "Well Jesus had long hair."

His dad said, "yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went!"

-------------------

His girlfriend’s father was interviewing Young Charles.

“So,” said that impressive personage, “you want to be my so-in-law, do you?"

“Not particularly,” said Charles tactlessly, “but if I want to marry your daughter I haven’t much choice, have I?”

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A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show.

On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

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IRS Pencil Sharpener
What part of the human body is called the "yet"?

I don't know either, but in the paper it said this lady got shot and they haven't got the bullet out of her yet!

---------------------

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know.

--------------------

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper pants, a paper shirt, paper boots, and wore a paper hat?

The Sheriff arrested him for rustling.

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PRICE OF GAS AROUND THE WORLD

Prices are quoted in US dollars per gallon for regular unleaded.

Oslo, Norway
$6.82

Hong Kong
$6.25

Brussels, Belgium
$6.16

London, UK
$5.96

Rome, Italy
$5.80

Tokyo, Japan
$5.25

Sao Paulo, Brazil
$4.42

New Delhi, India
$3.71

Sidney , Australia
$3.42

Johannesburg, South Africa
$3.39

Mexico City
$2.22

Buenos Aires, Argentina
$2.09

... YOU'RE NOT GONNA LOVE THIS ....

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia
$0.91

Kuwait
$0.78

Caracas, Venezuela
$0.12

The C-5 pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the G.I.s  the usual information regarding seat belts, parachutes, etc .  

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to  Afghanistan .'  

An old M/Sgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?'

When the attendant came by he said, 'Did I understand you right? The captain is a woman?'


 
'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had  two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sarge,' said the attendant,

'We no longer call it the Cockpit.'

'It's the Box Office!'

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Pogo Moose Incident - Fairbanks , Alaska



"They were laying new power cables which were strung on the ground for miles.
The moose are rutting right now and very agitated.
He was thrashing around and got his antlers stuck in the cables.
When the men (miles away) began pulling the lines up with their big equipment,
the moose went up with them.

They noticed excess tension in the lines and went searching for the problem.
He was still alive when they lowered him to the ground.
He was a huge 60 inch bull ... and slightly peeved!"

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Poodwaddle.com

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