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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 30th of November 2007
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 Warning: this Joke
Collection occasionally contains strong language (which may
be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable
for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for
liberal-arts majors).
Ed
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 Tis the Season... A Crimmus Poem Wuz de nite befo Crimmus And all ower da hood; Ereybody wuz’ sleepin’; Dey wuz sleepin’ reel good. We hunged up our stockings; An hoped like de’ heck; That old Sandy Clause; Be bringin’ our check. All o’de fambily; Wuz layin in de beds; While Ripple and Thunderbird; Danced trew dey heads. I passed out inna’ flo; Right nex to my Maw; When I herd sech a fuss; I thunk: “It mus be de law!!!” I looked out thru de bars; What covered my doe; ‘spectin’ de sheriff; wif a warrant fo sho. And what did I see; I said, “Lawd look at dat!!!” Ther’ wuz a huge watta’ mellon; Pulled by giant warf rats!!! Now ober all de years; Sandy Clause, he be white; But looks liken us bros; Gets a black Sanna dis nite. Faster dan a Po’lees car; My home boy he came; He whupped on dem warf rats; An’ called dem by name! On Leroy, on ‘Lonzo; And on Willie Lee; On Saphire, on Chenequa; Dey wuz a site to see!! As he landed dat watta’ mellon; Out der in da skreet; I knowed it was fo’ sho’; Da damndest site I ebber did see. He didn’t go down no chimbley; He picked da’ lock on my doe; An’ I sez to myself; “Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!” He had dis big bag; Full of prezents I ‘xpect; Wid Air Jordans and fake gold; To wear roun’ my neck. But he left no good prezents; Jus started stealing my shit; Got my drugs, got my guns, Even got my burglar’s kit!! Wit my stuff in de bag; Out da window he flewed; I woudda’ tried to catched him; But he stoled my ‘nife too!! He jumped on dat wadda’ mellon; An’ whipped out a switch; He wuz gone in a seccon’; Dat son of a bitch!! Next year I be hopin’; Anutha Sanna we git; Cuz’ diz here Sanna Clause; Jus’ ain’t werf a shit!!! ----------------  A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing." ---------------  One day, a cowboy rode into a Wild, Wild West town. The people in the town love to play jokes on visitors. After tying his horse to the pole outside a bar, the cowboy went in. "A cup of milk please." he said to the bartender. After drinking, he went out, only to find his horse missing. Knowing that the villagers did it, he went back into the bar and said to everybody," I am going to have another drink and when I finish it, I want to see my horse outside! Or else, I will have to do what I did in Texas - HERE!" The people were very frightened. When he finished his drink, he went outside and saw his horse. The villagers had put it back. Curious, the bartender asked the cowboy,” What did you do in Texas?" The Cowboy replied," Well, I had to walk home. --------------  9 fateful months July 8th 1947 and its significance in our time. Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government. However, you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day: George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfield, Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh, ...were all born!!! See what happens when aliens breed with sheep. This piece of information may clear up a lot of things. -----------------  A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, "What do you want?" The bartender replies, "First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food." The panda bear turns around and says, "Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!" The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: "Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it's stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves." -----------------  During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!” ----------------  If Operating Systems Were Airlines - oldie DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, jump off... Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie. Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning. OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until mid-2005. Maybe longer -------------------  An Uncle's Tale Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the Gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889. Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch: "Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed." And THAT is how it's done, folks! ------------------  At a Catholic school, there was a "meet the teacher" open house for the 2nd graders. After the meeting, a Nun announced that there would be a small reception afterwards in the cafeteria. All the children and parents filed in, and saw on a table a plate of apples, a plate of cookies, and some water bottles and juice. As the children went through the line, one boy saw that there was a sign on the plate of apples that said, "Take only one. God is watching." So, the boy took an apple and moved on to the cookies. He helped himself, and then took a small piece of paper, and wrote: "Take all you want”. God is watching the apples." -------------------  Excellent Insults The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd take it." Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "On whether I embrace your policies or your mistress." "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway). In response: "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill In response: I cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E.Leonard "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912) "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx ---------------  The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!" ----------------  A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?" The owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story." The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned. The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah,you've come back for the story then?" "No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim fundamentalist cleric, a poof, a Man Utd supporter, and anything French!" ----------------  Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers) SICKNESS We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately. PREGNANCY In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay. DEATH This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death. This new benefit program started yesterday. The Management -----------------  A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" -----------------  T-shirt and Bumper Sticker One Liners "If a man speaks at sea where no woman can hear him, is he still wrong?" "Mess with me, mess with my whole trailer park" "Homeland Security (picture of American Indian braves with weapons on horseback) Fighting against terrorism since 1492" "Ignore your health and it will go away" "9 out of the 10 voices in my head are telling me not to shoot" "No a/c no bootee!" "I'm retired & I don't take sh##t from no one" "Don't change dicks in the middle of a screw, vote for Nixon in 72" Drawing of a fish skeleton, titled "Filet and Release" "Oh yeah? Well my kid can beat the h*** out of your honor student" "Honk if the twins fall out" "I'd rather be Cumming than Stroking" In reference to the Cummings Turbo Diesel engine in a Dodge versus a Ford's Power Stroke. "Asshole, not just a word, a lifestyle." "I don't discriminate, I hate everyone!" "If you don't like my attitude, STOP TALKING TO ME!!!" "my dog ate your honor student" "Body by Ben and Jerry" "Drop it" Human Holding a Stick and a Dog Holding an Ipod facing off with each other "Reel men play with their flies" "Wag More, Bark Less" "Hard as you want it, Long as you can take it." Ready-mix plant motto "Your boyfriend is staring at my breasts." "Imagine Whirled Peas" "IF I HAD WANTED A HUMMER, I WOULD HAVE CALLED YOUR SISTER" "If it's got tits or tires....expect trouble" "I haven't been the same since the house fell on my sister" "Guaranteed Erections" Cellphone Construction Company motto "If found, Please return to Anegada" "If you can read this, please help me back on my bar stool" (written up-side-down on t-shirt) "Can't we all just get a bong?" "Please tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes." "Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time." "Dyslexics Untie" Front: Support Mental Health Back: ... Or I'll kill you! "I need my space" -NASA "Anyone else for president." "Same Shirt Different Day" "Don't give me your attitude, I already have one" "Feel so good today I think I'll call in sick" Front: Why be difficult Back: When you can be impossible "My other car is a broom" "Everyone brings joy to this office... some when they enter, others when they leave. " No shirt No skirt Full service! Back: "Who needs a brain... Front: when you've got t*ts like these?" "You can judge a skipper by the size of his dinghy" (Arrow pointing up) "The MAN" (Arrow pointing down) "The LEGEND" "If you're going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair." "I've used up all of my sicks days, looks like I'll have to call in dead". "My next husband will be normal." "Dubya is listening...use BIG words!" "A village in Texas is missing its idiot" "Overworked and Underf*cked" "PETA People Eating Tasty Animals" "If it flys, floats, or f#@$s......lease it!!!!" "I'd rather hunt with Dick Cheney than ride with Ted Kennedy" On the back of a T shirt on a fellow on a Harley: "If you can read this my bitch fell off." "Never do anything you don't want to explain to the paramedic" ------------------  WORK PHRASES 1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 13. No, my powers can only be used for good. 14. How about never? Is never good for you? 15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication. 17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message . 19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 20. Who me? I just wander from room to room. 21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! 22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject. -----------------  Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble? A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test. Answer all the questions (only 10) with what describes you best, add up all your points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the end and look for your results. Do not cheat by looking at the end of the e-mail before you are done. Then forward this to all your friends ( including the person who sent it to you ) and change the subject of this message to what character is you. 1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date? .a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.) .b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.) .c) Painting in the park (5 pts) .d) Rock concert (1 pt.) .e) Going to the movies (3 pts..) 2. What is your favorite type of music? .a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.) .b) Alternative (1 pt.) .c) Soft Rock (4 pts.) .d) Country (5 pts.) .e) Pop (3 pts.) 3. What type of movies do you prefer? .a) Comedy (2 pts.) .b) Horror (1 pt.) .c) Musical (3 pts.) .d) Romance (4 pts.) .e) Documentary (5 pts.) 4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these? .a) Waiter (4 pts.) .b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.) .c) Teacher (3 pts.) .d) Police (2 pts.) .e) Cashier (1 pt) 5. What do you do with your spare time? .a) Exercise (5 pts.) .b) Read (4 pts.) .c) Watch television (2 pts.) .d) Listen to music (1 pt.) .e) Sleep (3 pts.) 6. Which one of the following colors do you like best? .a) Yellow (1 pt.) .b) White (5 pts.) .c) Sky Blue (3 pts.) .d) Dark Blue (2 pts.) .e) Red (4 pts.) 7. What do you prefer to eat? .a) Snow (3 pts.) .b) Pizza (2 pts.) .c) Sushi (1 pt.) .d) Pasta (4 pts.) .e) Salad (5 pts.) 8 What is your favorite holiday? .a) Halloween (1 pt.) .b) Christmas (3 pts.) .c) New Year (2 pts.) .d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.) .e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.) 9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be? .a) Paris (4 pts) .b) Spain (5 pts) .c) Las Vegas (1 pt) .d) Hawaii (4 pts) .e) Hollywood (3 pts) 10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with? .a) Someone Smart (5 pts.) .b) Someone attractive (2 pts.) .c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.) .d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.) .e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts..) Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for! Put your character in the subject line and forward to your friends and back to the person that sent this to you. It is very interesting to see 'who' your friends are! (10-16 points) You are Garfield : You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how tohave fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others maynot see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others. (17-23 points) You are Snoopy: You are fun, you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in and you are never are out of style You are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few daysmore than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times. (24-28 points) You are Elmo: You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing togive advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic andyou always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not tobe too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in your life. (29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants: You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people, and you will be stress free. (36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown: You are tender, you fall in love quickly y but you are also very seriousabout all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Momevery Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a fewBirthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality. (44-50 points) You are Dexter: You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strongfamily principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a badsituation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Image Gallery
Some up
close pictures of the Boo-Boo Airbus had last week at their
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