Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 9th of November 2007

This week found me visiting St Thomas seeing The Queen Mary 2, Frenchman's Reef Hotel and more...

...more interesting pictures of St Thomas follow below in the Jokes...

Fun Links:
The Last Supper in High Definition:
http://www.haltadefinizione.com/en/cenacolo/look.asp

The Worlds Best Websites:
http://www.worldbestwebsites.com/

Shuttle chasing Space Station across the sky:
http://spaceweather.com/archive.php?view=1&day=07&month=11&year=2007

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Late Night TV Show joke writers are on strike, so let's look back to get our Late Night Fix...

Thursday Nov 01 2007 Late Nite Jokes Archive

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

My Halloween was marred. Horrible incident. A kid dressed as O.J. broke into my house and stole all my candy.

Dennis Kucinich admitted during the debate the other night that he had seen a UFO close up. Dennis Kucinich doesn’t seem like the type of guy who would see a UFO. He seems like the kind of guy you’d see coming out of a UFO.

Hillary Clinton’s meltdown during the debates the other night continues to be the big story. Even Bill Clinton said it was Hillary’s worst performance since their honeymoon.

The Atlanta International Airport is now considering shorter flushes in its bathrooms to help cope with the drought. Shorter flushes on their toilets. Or as Sen. Larry Craig calls that, speed dating.

Late Show with David Letterman

Joe Girardi was introduced today as the new manager of the New York Yankees. Girardi says it’s going to be tough coming up with a team on only a $300 million payroll.

Democratic debate last night. Tough night for Bill Richardson. During the entire debate, the only question Tim Russert asked was, “. . . And you are?

Does anyone know anything about Dennis Kucinich running for president? Can you prove it?

In the debate he claimed he once saw a UFO. He also claims aliens introduced him to his hot wife.

Late Night with Conan O'Brien

Political experts are criticizing Hillary Clinton’s performance at the recent debate as her worst performance of the year. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “That’s what you think.”

Last night the New Jersey Devils played their first home game in the new $380 million stadium. Newark residents say the new arena is classy place to get shot outside of.

This week Wal-Mart started selling a $199 computer. What they don’t tell you is the computer is actually an Etch-a-Sketch taped to a toaster oven.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s World Vegan Day. Strict vegetarian day. So be kind to vegetables.

I had an uncle who was a strict vegetarian. When he died there was a big turn up at his funeral.

Jessica Alba has announced that she will never do a nude scene in a movie. Never. I wrote a whole screen play for nothing!

A hunter in Minnesota is recovering after he was shot by his dog. His dog! In the dog’s defense, the man was wearing a Michael Vick jersey.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

What a crazy Halloween in Hollywood last night. I saw more half-naked women on the streets last night than I usually see here.

Some of them were actually women too, which is nice for a change.

My arm is killing me from throwing eggs last night.

Wednesday Oct 31 2007 Late Nite Jokes Archive

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Happy Halloween, everyone. This is the day we teach our children, “Go ahead, take candy from strangers.”

Dick Cheney had an awkward moment at the White House Halloween party. He went dressed as Darth Vader. And at the party he ran into the real Darth Vader who was dressed as Dick Cheney.

There was another Democratic debate last night in Philadelphia. Boy, the other candidates really went after Hillary Clinton. The only Democrat who didn’t jump on Hillary was her husband Bill.

In his latest rambling, Osama bin Laden is now calling for his followers to avoid “extremism.” Because the last thing you want in a suicide bomber is some sort of radical wacko.

Late Show with David Letterman

Joe Torre, formerly of the New York Yankees, signed with the Los Angeles Dodgers. Well, look at this way — who wouldn’t take earthquakes and wild fires over George Steinbrenner?

It’s now safe to eat squirrel in New Jersey. They say it’s OK. Thank God — now I don’t have to go to Delaware.

Happy Halloween! I used to hate it. My mom used to dress me like a tramp . . . hair makeup, the works.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Least Popular Halloween Candies

10. Bit-O-Monkey
9. Lice Krispie Treats
8. Good N' Clammy
7. Malted Meat Balls
6. Mullahmars
5. They-Might-Be-Raisinets
4. Al Gore's Melted Sno-Caps
3. No No. 3 — writer out trick-or-treating
2. Mr. Goodbar Who Used To Be Mrs. Goodbar
1. Tootsie Roids

Late Night with Conan O'Brien

Last night, yet another Democratic debate. Sen. Barack Obama accused Hillary Clinton of frequently changing positions. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “I wish.”

It’s Halloween, so this morning on the “Today” show, Matt Lauer dressed up as Hermann Munster and Al Roker dressed up as a scary vampire. Not only that — Larry King went on his show without makeup.

This year Daylight Saving time has been extended. This will allow trick-or-treaters an extra hour for Halloween. Experts predict it will be this final hour that will separate the fat from the husky.

This week, a 90-year-old man in Minnesota became the oldest person to win a Nobel Prize. Next week, the 90-year-old man will be the first person to misplace the Nobel Prize.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Happy Halloween! Halloween is a time when people wear crazy outfits, scary makeup, and they do Satan’s bidding . . . as we call it here in L.A., Wednesday.

Last year I went as a banana. People said I looked like an overripe fruit. And that was before I put on the costume.

Last year I went to west Hollywood party . . . the guys there really dressed up. One guy was like Judy Garland and one tiny guy was dressed as Tom Cruise. To be fair, I think it was Tom Cruise.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Britney Spears did a call-in to Ryan Seacrest’s radio show this morning. Half-way through the interview, she was suddenly gone. Ryan asked her a question and there was no response. Her assistant said she went to take a shower. At least she’s showering, we know that.

They called her back a little while later, and she didn’t say much, but she did talk about her Halloween costume. She had a good idea. She’s going to go wearing panties. So she will be totally unrecognizable.

Sometimes it’s hard to figure out what celebrities are hiding behind the masks. Here’s one [picture of Phil Spector]. If he comes to your house, give him whatever he wants.

Tuesday Oct 30 2007 Late Nite Jokes Archive

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Lot of candidates getting into the Halloween spirit. Today, John Edwards said he was going to get a $15 haircut and go as someone from the other America.

Even FEMA employees are celebrating Halloween. They’re all getting dressed up as reporters this year.

According to the latest polls, Chris Dodd is at zero percent of the vote. Zero percent! Do you know what that means? Even he isn’t voting for himself.

Ron Paul is a congressman and a doctor. He’s also a practicing gynecologist. He’s the only presidential candidate to tell women to take off their clothes more times than Bill Clinton.

Late Show with David Letterman

Such a nice day here in New York City, Alex Rodriguez opted out of his pants.

We’re running a special promotion here at the Ed Sullivan Theatre. If you see a rat, you get a free taco.

Everyone excited about Halloween? Every year, they try to contact Houdini on Halloween. And I thought, “Wait a minute — isn’t that one of the good things about being dead, not having to take calls?”

The marathon is this weekend in new York City. Along the route they have those portable toilets — or as Sen. Larry Craig calls them — singles' rooms.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard During Dick Cheney's Hunting Trip

10. "Has everyone updated their will?"
9. "The crisp air is giving me goose bumps — no, wait, it's another heart attack"
8. "This can't end well"
7. "My pacemaker also makes bird calls"
6. "I want that quail taken alive — let's find out what the son of a bitch knows"
5. "Bush was supposed to come, but his father got him out of it"
4. "Condi, grab a shotgun and go get yourself a man"
3. No No.3 — writers making picket signs for upcoming strike"
2. "You shoot one guy in the face, avoid talking to authorities, delay taking a blood-alcohol test, and you're labeled a bad guy"
1. "Duck!"

Late Night with Conan O'Brien

In a recent interview, Arnold Schwarzenegger said cannabis is not a drug. Cannabis is not a drug. Of course, when Arnold said it, it sounded like, “Cannibals need a hug.”

Presidential candidate Bill Richardson called on all candidates to end all negative campaigning. When they heard this, all the other candidates rolled their eyes and said, “Whatever you say, fatboy.”

Sources in Barack Obama’s campaign say that Obama has been watching old tapes of Bill Clinton to improve his style. Which explains why Obama now starts every sentence with “Honey, I can explain.”

Yesterday Vice President Dick Cheney went pheasant hunting. He’s hunting again. This time, to be on the safe side, Cheney chose as his partner, a pheasant.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Big Democratic debate tonight. Reports say Barack Obama gets ready for the debates by studying Bill Clinton’s techniques. I guess that would explain why he wasn’t wearing any pants.

Not a good day for Hillary Clinton. She was criticized by Mitt Romney. He was saying that she has no experience; he called her an intern. It’s ridiculous! If she was an intern, Bill would be sleeping with her.

On Halloween, teenagers are known to play pranks. They throw eggs at people’s houses . . . I’ve never understood that. In Los Angeles, they don’t throw eggs. They only throw egg whites. Throwing the whole egg would cause a riot in this town. Is that the yolk!?! You saboteurs! It’ll go straight to my hips!

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Halloween is tomorrow. Boston is on a roll — not only did the Sox win another World Series, the Patriots are undefeated; the Celtics have the strongest team in a long time; and Boston won the World’s Largest Pumpkin growing contest. It went to Ted Kennedy’s head.

Britney Spears' new album is getting great reviews despite being recorded in her car, at a Taco Bell drive through.

It’s called “Blackout” and it’s expected to debut at No. 1 on the Billboard charts. They’re expecting it to go gold, then go platinum, then go bald . . .

Monday Oct 29 2007 Late Nite Jokes Archive

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Congratulations to the California fire fighters. They’re doing a wonderful job. The fires are massive. Now when Paris Hilton says “that’s hot,” it’s because she’s actually on fire.

There’s been so much smoke, David Hasselhoff eats his burgers off the floor to avoid smoke inhalation.

I’m stunned at how much parents spend on costumes for their kids. You don’t need to spend a lot of money. You can use your imagination. This year? I’m just going to drop my pants around my ankles and go as Idaho Sen. Larry Craig.

Sen. Brownback has dropped out of the presidential race. He says he wants to spend more time with his family. Apparently, they’re not really sure who he is either.

Late Show with David Letterman

Did you watch the World Series? The Colorado Rockies went down faster than Marie Osmond.

Aides told President Bush that he should congratulate the Red Sox. Poor guy . . . he’s so confused . . . he went to the top drawer of his dresser.

Alex Rodriguez is not returning to the New York Yankees. The announcement was made at a fake FEMA press conference.

FEMA faked a press conference and President Bush strongly condemned it — at his own fake press conference.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Colorado Rockies Excuses

10. "Even we've never heard of most of our players"
9. "Didn't want game 5 to pre-empt 'House""
8. "Relax, there's still a lot of baseball to be played"
7. "The curse of the Bambino?"
6. "At that altitude, the beer really knocks you on your ass"
5. No No. 5 — writer preparing to go on strike
4. "Turns out our 'flaxseed oil' really was flaxseed oil"
3. "O.J. stole the equipment!"
2. "Manager distracted by Joe Torre walking around with his resume"
1. "Forget us — someone want to explain the Jets?"

Late Night with Conan O'Brien

As part of a promotion Taco Bell did during the World Series, everybody in America will receive a free taco. Experts say it’s a good move for Taco Bell, and an even better one for Charmin toilet paper.

Last night during the World Series, New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez announced he is opting out of his contract. There’s a rumor he may go to the Mets. After hearing this, the Mets said, “We don’t need A-Rod’s help; we already know how to choke.”

Here’s an odd one: Argentina’s first lady was elected the new president of Argentina, which makes the former president the new “first spouse.” Or as President Bill Clinton calls him, “My future wing man.”

Yesterday, on “60 Minutes,” French President Nicolas Sarkozy got up and left in the middle of the interview. Citizens of France say the president acted rudely — and they’ve never been prouder.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There was a new survey on the scariest costume for Halloween. People say the scariest costume is Hillary Clinton. She got 300 votes — most of them from Bill, probably.

Bill said, “Take off the mask, honey . . . No, put it back on. I’m scared.”

I was in Las Vegas this past weekend. I won some money! I go to the MGM, and put my $20 in, and I win $350! That’s two weeks’ salary for me.

I saw a Drew Carey game there. You know you’ve made it when there’s a game named after you. It was called “The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet.”

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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

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A little boy wrote to Santa ...

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."

Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

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Why are seagulls called seagulls?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!

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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

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There were two guys in the Army.

One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after reading it becomes very sad.

His friend (the other guy) asked him what was wrong.

The first guy responded by handing him the letter. So the second guy reads that his friends mother had written that the first guy's girlfriend was in bed with arthritis.

"Well" The friend said to the first guy... "That's not so bad..."

The first guy turns to him and says "Yea, That's what you think. I know those Ritis boys and Art is the worst one!"

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If you pull the wings off of a fly, does it become a walk?

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Three convicts escape from prison.

They make it to a nearby town but are confonted by a policeman.

"Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts?", asked the policeman.

Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said "no, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer"

"The second followed his lead and said "My names is William, W H Smith".

Catching on, the third said "My name is Ken...
...TuckyFriedChicken"

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What did the zen-master say to the New York City hotdog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

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Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom?

A. EUROPEAN... of course!

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Your dog's barking at the back door.

Your wife's barking at the front.

Who do you let in?

Well, it's your call...

...but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.

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One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters.

Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."

"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.

"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"

"I'm marrying a Russet!"

"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"

"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"

"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.

"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."

"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

"Well," being the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"

"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"

"I'm marrying Dan Rather!"

"DAN RATHER?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"

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BEST IDEA FOR A COOK BOOK

Did you hear about the new chinese cookbook?

"101 ways to WOK your Dog"

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A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a chinese man and punches him in the face.
"Ouch!" the chinese man says. "What was that for?"

"That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says.

"But I'm Chinese!"

"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the jewish man sits back down.

Then, the chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face.

"Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?"

"That was for the Titanic," the chinese man says.

"But that was an iceberg!"

"Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

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If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO"...

...what is the oposite of PROGRESS?

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Hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail?

The headlines in the newspaper read "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE".

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A Man rushed into a doctor's office, jumped on his back, and started screaming, "One! Two! Three! Four!"

"Wait a minute!" yelled the doctor, trying to get free. “What do you think you're doing?"

The man said, "Well doctor, they did say I could count on you!"

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Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

A: A Yamahahaha

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A butcher saw a Lawyer passing by his shop one day, and asked him: "Attorney, what would you do if a dog came in and stole your meat?"

Lawyer replied: "why? of course, I’ll make the owner pay for it!"

The butcher said: "If that is so, now you owe me $15 because it is your dog."

The Lawyer replied: "Very well, just deduct the $15 from the $25 you owe me for the advice, I’ll collect the remaining $10 the next time I pass by here."

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I like your approach...

...let’s see your departure.

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A little boy returned from the grocery store with his mom.

While his mom put away the groceries, the little boy opened his box of animal crackers and spread them all over the kitchen table.

"What are you doing?" asked his mom.

"The box says you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken," said the little boy.

"I'm looking for the seal."

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Q. How do you get a 1 armed Antartian out of a tree?

A. Wave to him.

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