Happy Halloween!

Enjoy the Jokes!

Warning: this Joke Collection occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors).
 

Ed

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Rugby World Cup Championship Jokes Wrap-up (South Africa won)...

BREAKING NEWS:-

England rugby practice was delayed for two hours yesterday afternoon after a player reported finding a white powdery substance on the practice ground.

Head coach Ashton immediately suspended practice while the police were called to investigate.

After a complete forensic search Scotland Yard determined that the white stuff which was unknown to the players was in fact the TRY LINE.

Practice was continued as police were happy the players were unlikely to encounter the substance again

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Rugby stars Jason Robinson, Andrew Sheridan and Johnny Wilkinson are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.

God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Robinson first he asks, "what do you believe?"

Robinson looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Rugby to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the grim North to the bright lights of Twickenham. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club." God looks up and offers Robinson the seat to his left.

He then turns to Sheridan, "and you, Andy, what do you believe?"

Sheridan stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits." God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Sheridan the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Wilkinson, "and you, Johnny, what do you believe?"

"I believe..." says Jonny "...you're sitting in my seat."

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Europeans Heightened Threat Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to " Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

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Hangover Ratings

1 star hangover: No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.

2 star hangover: No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover: Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover: You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you
(depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 star hangover: You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.

6 star hangover: You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.

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While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.

He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.

"Wow," said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

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A new miracle doctor was in town.

He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch.

So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."

"Jar number 43?" Mr. Smith wonders.

So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it.

He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

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Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened.
His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"

At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"

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Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.

“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.

“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

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Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry. What was the question?

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YOU MAY HAVE SEEN THIS BEFORE BUT MAYBE YOU NEED TO SEE IT AGAIN

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-raters. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier? The lesson?

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

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THE CHALLENGES OF EDUCATION CAN BE HUMOROUS

CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." TECH: "Please excuse me If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has 4X on it.." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

ANOTHER ONE: A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The girl sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and her printer is working fine."

OK, ONE MORE: TECH SUPPORT: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." CUSTOMER: "I don't have a P."

TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob." CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"

TECH SUPPORT: "P, on your keyboard, Bob." CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"

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EDUCATION’S FINEST HOUR

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

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Message to the Moon

About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate.

Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."

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Quotable Quotes
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."
--drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon."
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876

"The wireless music box has no imagineable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920's

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind".

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles M. Duel

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
--response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolveable" problem by inventing the Nautilus (Exercise Equipment)

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible."
--a Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-it" Notepads. (And in fact, his experiment failed. He was looking for a super glue... ).

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
--response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics,1949, forecasting the relentless march of science

"I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--the editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"but what....is it good for?"
--engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp, 1977

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
--Bill Gates, 1981

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Earth-start signalling and pets

This story was related by Pat Routledge of Winnepeg, Ontario about a repair call he handled while living in England.

It's common practice to ring a telephone by signaling extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.

Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. Pat proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. Climbing down from the pole, Pat found:

-The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.
-The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.
-After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the ground.
-The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring.

Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.

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The Faithful Pope
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."

"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment."

"Is there anything which your Holiness desires?"

"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.

Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running.

There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, Repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibrate, not celibate!"

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The new maid

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What pool?"

"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"

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Things to keep in mind

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. . .

3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

. . . Every morning is the dawn of a new error. . .

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone . . .

I used up all my sick days so I'm calling in dead.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished!

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Demons are a ghoul's best friend.

Dain bramaged.

Department of Redundancy Department

Headline: Bear Takes Over Disneyland in Pooh d'Etat!

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computers are not intelligent; they only think they are.

My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.

C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

The definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Backups? We don' need no steenking backups.

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

24 hours in a day . . . 24 beers in a case . . . coincidence?

Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk?

Ultimore office automation: networked coffee.

Shell to DOS . . . Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS . . .

All computers wait at the same speed.

Definition: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.

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Kids Say the Darndest Things!

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:
-The parts of speech are lungs and air.
-The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
-A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
-Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
-(Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
-The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
-A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
-Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
-The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
-The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
-We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
-One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
-A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
-One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
-To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
-The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
-The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
-Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
-The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
-Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
-The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
-In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
-Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
-In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

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The Windshield Test

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.

They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

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