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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 19th of October 2007
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Warning: this Joke
Collection occasionally contains strong language (which may
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Ed
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 In celebration of winning the World Rugby Final England vs. France last Saturday... Here's the Mother Of All Pre-Battle Speeches - courtesy, of course, of Shakespeare. Henry V - Act III, Scene I. The eve of another big battle against the French... Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more; Or close the wall up with our English dead. In peace there's nothing so becomes a man As modest stillness and humility: But when the blast of war blows in our ears, Then imitate the action of the tiger; Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood, Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage; Then lend the eye a terrible aspect; Let pry through the portage of the head Like the brass cannon; let the brow o'erwhelm it As fearfully as doth a galled rock O'erhang and jutty his confounded base, Swill'd with the wild and wasteful ocean. Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide, Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit To his full height. On, on, you noblest English. Whose blood is fet from fathers of war-proof! Fathers that, like so many Alexanders, Have in these parts from morn till even fought And sheathed their swords for lack of argument: Dishonour not your mothers; now attest That those whom you call'd fathers did beget you. Be copy now to men of grosser blood, And teach them how to war. And you, good yeoman, Whose limbs were made in England, show us here The mettle of your pasture; let us swear That you are worth your breeding; which I doubt not; For there is none of you so mean and base, That hath not noble lustre in your eyes. I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips, Straining upon the start. The game's afoot: Follow your spirit, and upon this charge Cry 'God for Harry, England, and Saint George!' ----------------  TERRORIST ACTIVITY HAS CAUSED THE DEMOCRATS TO TAKE MEASURES IN ORDER TO PROTECT THEIR FAIR-HAIRED CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY. FOR SECURITY REASONS, THEY HAVE SUGGESTED THAT HILLARY HAVE A MUSLIM NAME. SO, FROM NOW ON, PLEASE REFER TO HER BY HER NEW MUSLIM NAME: SELDOM BIN LAYED --------------  A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies. -----------------  Variation on a theme... What's in a name A little American Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and medicine man of the tribe, "Father, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names like Bill, Tex or Sam?" His father replied, "My son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive. For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and th e life force of our people. It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China? -------------------  More Bumper Stickers... 1. Baby's T-Shirt: Already Smarter Than Bush 2. 1/20/09: End of an Error 3. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway. 4. Let's Fix Democracy in THIS COUNTRY, First. 5 If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran. 6 Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber. 7 You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Time. 8 If You Can Read This, You're Not the President. 9 Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant. 10 Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet? 11 George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight. 12. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Sex Anymore. 13 America: One Nation, Under Surveillance 14 They Call Him "W"! (That's So He Can Spell It.) 15 Cheney/Satan '08 16 Jail to the Chief! 17 No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade? 18 Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap. 19 Bad president! No Banana. 20 We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language. 21 We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them. 22 Is It Vietnam Yet? 23 Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either. 24 Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Hand basket? 25 You Elected Him. You Deserve Him. 26 When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46. 27 The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century. 28 2004: Embarrassed 2005: Horrified 2006: Terrified 29. Frodo was wrong! Bush has the Ring! 30. Bush: Proof that God Has a Sense of Humor!! ------------------  HISTORY QUIZ A little history lesson: If you do not know the answer, take your best guess. Answer all the questions before looking at the answers. Who said it? 1) "We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good." A. Karl Marx B. Adolph Hitler C. Joseph Stalin D. None of the above 2) "It's time for a new beginning, for an end to government of the few, by the few, and for the few...and to replace it with shared responsibility for shared prosperity." A. Lenin B. Mussolini C. Idi Amin D. None of the Above 3) "(We)...can't just let business as usual go on, and that means something has to be taken away from some people." A. Nikita Khrushev B. Josef Goebbels C. Boris Yeltsin D. None of the above 4) "We have to build a political consensus and that requires people to give up a little bit of their own...in order to create this common ground." A. Mao Tse Dung B. Hugo Chavez C. Kim Jong Il D. None of the above 5) "I certainly think the free-market has failed." A. Karl Marx B. Lenin C. Molotov D. None of the above 6) "I think it's time to send a clear message to what has become the most profitable sector in (the) entire economy that they are being watched" A. Pinochet B. Milosevic C. Saddam Hussein D. None of the above Answers: (1) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/29/2004 (2) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 5/29/2007 (3) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007 (4) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007 (5) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007 (6) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 9/2/2005 -------------------  Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys in side and had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people." "All the time, the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer... ...And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her. ------------------  EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS 1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX . 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch; the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR 6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." Submitted by RN no name . AND FINALLY!!!..... 8 As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No, Doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". Dr. Wouldn't submit his name. ------------------  David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers: # 10 - Have to sit upright while driving. # 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat. # 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music. # 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time. # 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr. # 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race. # 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho. # 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition. # 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run. AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR... # 1 -They can't wear their helmets sideways.* *Please forward to NAACP, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson -----------------------  Teachers Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous. The driver pointed out the sign that read "20." He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20. Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologized and promised to be more observant. As the policeman turn to walk back to his car, he noticed the other two professors on the floor ...looking scared to death! He asked the driver, "What's wrong with them?" The driver replied, "We just turned off Highway 105." ---------------------  A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.” --------------------- SCHOOL - 1957 vs. 2007 Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack. 1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack. 2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school. 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students. 1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability. Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist. Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. 1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock. 2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario: Pedro fails high school English. 1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college. 2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed. 1957 - Ants die. 2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him. 1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy. ------------------------  Two buddies are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?" The other fisherman replies,” If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish." They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty." He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty." "This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!" "I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!" -------------------  If at first you don't succeed... ...skydiving is not for you! ------------------  TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? PUPILS: A teacher. ----------------  Please do not forget your flu shot!!!! Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can. Get plenty of rest. OR Take the doctor's approach. Think about it... When you go for a shot, what do they do first? They Clean your arm with alcohol... Why? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS. So....... I walk to the liquor store. (exercise) I put lime in my Corona...(fruit) Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies) Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air) Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress) Then......pass out. (rest) The way I see it... If you keep your alcohol levels up... ...flu germs can't get you! My mother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!" ----------------------------  Students at a local high school were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" and "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report. Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99 Clinton:..... Cost - $29.99 Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read Clinton:.... Over 3 hours to read Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton:...... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist. Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist. Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton:.... Ditto for Bill. Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose 's dress gets ruined.. Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica. Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton:..... Let's not go there. Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton:.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts. Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack. Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either. Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing ------------------  Illegal immigration of Americans to Canada.* From the Manitoba Herald, Canada (a very underground paper) The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The actions of President Bush are prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. 'I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,' said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. 'He asked me if I could spare a latte' and some free-range chicken.' When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay'. In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. 'Not real effective.' he said. 'The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk.' Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. 'A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,' an Ontario border patrolman said. 'I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though.' When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races. In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young Vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50's. 'If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age,' an official said. Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. 'I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them,' an Ottawa resident said. 'How many art-history and communication majors does one country need? ----------------  The Pastor's Ass The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the Race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10 This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the Headlines Read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is... Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer! Food for thought! ----------------------
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