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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 5th of October 2007
Fun Links: Scare Compilation Video: Conspiracy Movie - two hours long - interesting: Flip-flops purchased at Wal-Mart caused skin rashes or chemical
burns. Optical Illusions Video: Maybe you last chance to see a life-sized blue
whale: Jamaican Slang Glossary: Thirteen Reasons to say Holy Crap! Russian Beer Ad - Impatient Woman: Russian Beer Ad - Blonde Arm Wrestler:
Enjoy the Jokes!
Warning: this Joke
Collection occasionally contains strong language (which may
be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable
for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for
liberal-arts majors).
Ed
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 Home Security - Good Idea... Put your car keys beside your bed at night. If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies. This tip came from a neighborhood watch coordinator. --------------  The 17th Annual "ig’s" –The Nobel Prize for Outrageously Humorous Science For achievements that first make people laugh...then make them think. First awarded through Alfred Nobel’s will in 1985, the Nobel Prizes are currently awarded for Physics, Chemistry, Physiology or Medicine, Literature, Peace and Economics. They are the big awards if you’re a scientist, kind of like the Oscars are for actors. The Ig Nobel Prizes are, essentially, a parody of the Nobel Prizes, given out each October to coincide with their more respectable cousins. They are given out for ten achievements that "first make people laugh, and then make them think." Organized by the scientific humor magazine Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), The Ig’s are presented at a ceremony at Harvard University's Sanders Theater by various individuals, including some genuine Nobel Laureates. To highlight some of the funniest would take far too long, and be nothing more than an almost complete listing of the past 17 years of Ig’s. However there are several that stick out as completely warranted award winners that we must share with you. - VISIONARY TECHNOLOGY – 93 Presented jointly to Jay Schiffman of Farmington Hills, Michigan, crack inventor of AutoVision, an image projection device that makes it possible to drive a car and watch television at the same time, and to the Michigan state legislature, for making it legal to do so. - ECONOMICS - 02 The (US based) executives, corporate directors, and auditors of Enron, Lernaut & Hauspie [Belgium], Adelphia, Bank of Commerce and Credit International [Pakistan], Cendant, CMS Energy, Duke Energy, Dynegy, Gazprom [Russia], Global Crossing, HIH Insurance [Australia], Informix, Kmart, Maxwell Communications [UK], McKessonHBOC, Merrill Lynch, Merck, Peregrine Systems, Qwest Communications, Reliant Resources, Rent-Way, Rite Aid, Sunbeam, Tyco, Waste Management, WorldCom, Xerox, and Arthur Andersen, for adapting the mathematical concept of imaginary numbers for use in the business world. - ECONOMICS - 2005 Gauri Nanda of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, for inventing an alarm clock that runs away and hides, repeatedly, thus ensuring that people DO get out of bed, and thus theoretically adding many productive hours to the workday. - ASTROPHYSICS Dr. Jack and Rexella Van Impe of Jack Van Impe Ministries, Rochester Hills, Michigan, for their discovery that black holes fulfill all the technical requirements to be the location of Hell. ------------------  Neologism Contest Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are: 1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. ----------------  The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners: 1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating the bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 2. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 3. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 4. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 5. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 6. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness. 7. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 8. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 9. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 10. Glibido (v): All talk and no action. 11. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 13. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 14. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature: 15. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole. ----------------  In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night. On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a telephone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin." Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence, "I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said... "A pumpkin? Shit... ...is it midnight already?" --------------  Redneck Vasectomy A Kentucky couple, both bonified blond rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish. ------------------  During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?” “Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.” -----------------  Honk Honk A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has does 'the business', brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, tries with each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day screwing the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn." ---------------------  Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows. ---------------------  Haircut A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before can I get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!" ------------------  Wishes and Fairies A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband' thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female. -----------------  Q: How does an archeologist tell a male skeleton from a female skeleton? A: He knows it’s a female skeleton if the jawbone is worn down. --------------  A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes. A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish. Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted." Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing." Then the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!" ------------------  Elvis would have turned 71 this year: ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? (Senior Citizen Version) Are you lonesome tonight? Does your tummy feel tight? Did you bring your mylanta and tums? Does your memory stray, To that bright sunny day, When you had all your teeth and your gums? Is your hairline receding? Your eyes growing dim? Hysterectomy for her, And its prostate for him. Does your back give you pain? Do your knees predict rain? Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight? Is your blood pressure up? Good cholesterol down? Are you eating your low fat cuisine? All that oat bran and fruit, Metamucil to boot. Helps you run like A well oiled machine. If it's football or baseball, He sure knows the score. Yes, he knows where it's at But forgets what it's for. So your gallbladder's gone, But your gout lingers on, Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight? When you're hungry, he's not, When you're cold, he is hot, Then you start that old thermostat war. When you turn out the light, He goes left and you go right, Then you get his great symphonic snore. He was once so romantic, So witty and smart; How did he turn out to be such A cranky old fart? So don't take any bets, It's as good as it gets, Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight? Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building. ------------------  From the Birth Announcements, Toronto Globe and Mail, July 13, 1991: B.A.G. (Brad) Riddoch and L.M. (Linda) Riddoch, the senior partners of Riddoch, Riddoch and Riddoch, formerly Riddoch and Riddoch, are pleased to announce the appointment of Blake Andrew Harrison Riddoch as Son. He will report jointly to Mr. and Mrs. Riddoch. As son Mr. Blake Riddoch's immediate responsibilities will include eating, crying, sleeping and waste management. He will be located at Head Office in Toronto. Blake assumed his responsibilities June 30, 1991 at 19:53 hours, weighing in at 7 pounds 13 ounces with placement by Dr. Josie Tenore. Formerly of The Womb, he brings 9 months extensive production and development experience to his new position. Riddoch, Riddoch and Riddoch is family owned and operated... -------------------  Request for sick leave Thought you might enjoy this article from the Toronto Star newspaper. Think of using it the next time you need a sick day!! One hour after beginning a new job which involved moving a pile of bricks from the top of a two-story house to the ground, a construction worker in the town of Peterborough, Ontario, suffered an accident which hospitalized him. He was instructed by his employer to fill out an accident report. It read: "Thinking I could save time, I rigged a beam with a pulley at the top of the house, and a rope leading to the ground. I tied an empty barrel on one end of the rope, pulled it to the top of the house, and then fastened the other end of the rope to a tree. Going up to the top of the house, I filled the barrel with bricks. "Then I went down and unfastened the rope to let the barrel down. But, unfortunately, the barrel of bricks was now heavier than I, and before I knew what was happening the barrel jerked me up in the air. "I hung on to the rope, and halfway up I met the barrel coming down, receiving a severe blow on the left shoulder. "I then continued to be pulled to the top, banging my head on the beam and then jamming my fingers into the pulley. "When the barrel hit the ground, the bottom burst, spilling the bricks. As I was now heavier than the barel, I started down at high speed. "Halfway down I met the empty barrel as it was coming up, receiving several cuts from the sharp edges of the barrel boards. "At this point I must have become confused, because I let go of the rope. The barrel came down, striking me on the head, and I woke up in the hospital. "I respectfully request a day of sick leave." ----------------  Creators admit UNIX and C is a hoax In an announcement that has stunned the computer industry, Ken Thompson, Dennis Ritchie and Brian Kerninghan admitted that the Unix operating system and C programming language created by them is an elaborate April Fools prank kept alive for over 20 years. Speaking at the recent UnixWorld Software Development Forum, Thompson revealed the following: "In 1969, AT&T had just terminated their work with the GE/Honeywell/AT&T Multics project. Brian and I had just started working with an early release of Pascal from Professor Nichlaus Wirth's ETH labs in Switzerland and we were impressed with its elegant simplicity and power. Dennis had just finished reading 'Bored of the Rings', a hilarious National Lampoon parody of the great Tolkien 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy. As a lark, we decided to do parodies of the Multics environment and Pascal. Dennis and I were responsible for the operating environment. We looked at Multics and designed the new system to be as complex and cryptic as possible to maximize casual users' frustration levels, calling it Unix as a parody of Multics, as well as other more risque allusions. Then Dennis and Brian worked on a truly warped version of Pascal, called 'A'. When we found others were actually trying to create real programs with A, we quickly added additional cryptic features and evolved into B, BCPL and finally C. We stopped when we got a clean compile on the following syntax: for(;P("\n"),R-;P("|"))for(e=C;e-;P("_"+(*u++/8)%2))P("| "+(*u/4)%2); To think that modern programmers would try to use a language that allowed such a statement was beyond our comprehension! We actually thought of selling this to the Soviets to set their computer science progress back 20 or more years. Imagine our surprise when AT&T and other US corporations actually began trying to use Unix and C! It has taken them 20 years to develop enough expertise to generate even marginally useful applications using this 1960's technological parody, but we are impressed with the tenacity (if not common sense) of the general Unix and C programmer. In any event, Brian, Dennis and I have been working exclusively in Pascal on the Apple Macintosh for the past few years and feel really guilty about the chaos, confusion, and truly bad programming that have resulted from our silly prank so long ago." Major Unix an C vendors and customers, including AT&T, Microsoft, Hewlett-Packard, GTE, NCR, and DEC have refused comment at this time. Borland International, a leading vendor of Pascal and C tools, including the popular Trubo Pascal, Turbo C and Turbo C++, stated they had suspected this for a number of years and would continue to enhance their Pascal products and halt further efforts to develop C. An IBM spokesman broke into uncontrolled laughter and had to postpone a hastily convened news conference concerning the fate of the RS-6000, merely stated that 'VM will be available Real Soon Now'. In a cryptic statement, Professor Wirth of the ETH institute and father of the Pascal, Modula 2 and Oberon structured languages, merely stated that P.T. Barnum was correct. In a related late-breaking story, usually reliable sources are stating that a similar confession may be forthcoming from William Gates concerning the MS-DOS and Windows operating environments. And IBM spokesmen have begun denying that the Virtual Machine (VM) product is an internal prank gone awry. ------------------  And continuing the Geeky Computer Programmer theme... DNA: C code For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function. I have solved the mystery. The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows: /* HUMAN_DNA.H * * Human Genome * Version 2.1 * * (C) God */ /* Revision history: * * 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam. * 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve. * 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy -- * will require a rewrite later on to make it neater. * 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from * elephant-dna.c * 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail. * 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case. * 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine. * 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made * darker to match my own image. * 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth. * Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate. * 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height. * 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population * density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem. * 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of * CD. */ /* Standard definitions */ #define SEX male #define HEIGHT 1.84 #define MASS 68 #define RACE caucasian /* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files. * * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper * inheritance features. */ #include "mother.h" #include "father.h" #infndef FATHER #warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n") #include "bastard.h" #endif /* Set up sex-specific functions and variables */ #include <sex.h> /* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper * library sometime soon. */ struct genitals { #ifdef MALE Penis *jt; #endif /* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */ #ifdef FEMALE Vagina *p; #endif } /* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication. * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers */ DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *); /* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE * * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism * to display at birth. * * Will be improved later to make output less ugly. */ Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i); ...and so on. [ Note that God uses three-space tabs ] -----------------------  The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal imbedded in the side of a cliff rising above the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what had happened. It seems that a guy had some JATO bottles ( Jet Assisted Take Off ), actually a solid fuel rocket used to give heavy military transport planes extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala into the desert and found a long straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, built up some speed, and fired off the JATO! The facts as best could be defined are that: 1) The operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was determined by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location. 2) The JATO would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the chevy to reach speeds of 350 MPH ( 560 KMPH ). JATO thrust would have continued for 20-25 seconds, insuring maintenance of that speed for that time. 3) The driver, soon pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the vent. The automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles ( 15-20 seconds ) before the driver applied and completely melted brakes, blowing tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, to no avail, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles before impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock face. 4) Few of the drivers remains were recovered. Small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and a fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. But, was he wearing his seat belt? -----------------  New Element Discovered The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have: 1 neutron 125 assistant neutrons 75 vice neutrons 111 assistant vice neutrons This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However it can be detected chemically as it impedes every action with which it comes in contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large Internet Service Providers, large corporations and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to-date are not promising. --------------------  Favorite Newspaper Headlines Excerpted from the 'Notebook' pages of The New Republic 1995: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us Holland Sentinel, date unknown. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut The New York Times, November 22 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find The Los Angeles Times, November 2 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 'Light' Meals are Lower in Fat, Calories Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Alcohol Ads Promote Drinking The Hartford Courant, November 18 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Malls Try to Attract Shoppers The Baltimore Sun, October 22 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Official: Only Rain Will Cure Drought The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Teenage Girls Often Have Babies Fathered by Men The Sunday Oregonian, September 24 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Low Wages Said Key to Poverty Newsday, July 11 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man Shoots Neighbor With Machete The Miami Herald, July 3 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tomatoes Come in Big, Little, Medium Sizes The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows The New York Times, March 10 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies The Los Angeles Times, March 2 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists See Quakes in L.A. Future The Oregonian, January 28 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wachtler Tells Graduates That Life in Jail is Demeaning The Buffalo News, February 26 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Free Advice: Bundle Up When Out in the Cold Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Prosecution Paints O.J. as a Wife-Killer Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Economist Uses Theory to Explain Economy Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bible Church's Focus is the Bible Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Clinton Pledges Restraint in Use of Nuclear Weapons Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Discoveries: Older Blacks Have Edge in Longevity The Chicago Tribune, March 5 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear Journal of Commerce, April 20 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Biting Nails Can Be Sign of Tenseness in a Person The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lack of Brains Hinders Research The Columbus Dispatch, April 16 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism "Accusing some of her male colleagues of sexism, Los Angeles Councilwoman Laura Chick lashed out at City Hall on Thursday as [sic] the 'most sexist good-old-boys work environment that I've ever been in.' ..." The Los Angeles Times, June 23 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How We Feel About Ourselves is the Core of Self-Esteem, Says Author Louise Hart Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fish Lurk in Streams Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29 ---------------  A snippet spotted in Pilot Magazine and entered in Bike Magazine: The article was entitled "In a hurry are we, sir?" (British Police Wit). Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier jet hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the `enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?), the Harrier was operating unarmed. ----------------  A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day. "What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words." --------------------  A northerner goes to Amsterdam on a stag do and walks into a brothel. He asks for the fattest, sweatiest, saggiest girl with a fanny like a ripped out fire place. The madam says" are we feeling kinky tonight sir?" To which he replies.."no, just homesick." ------------------  A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy!" ------------------  Paddy the electrician got sacked from U.S. prison service for refusing to repair the electric chair. He said that in his opinion it was a death trap!!! ------------------  What's Pavarotti's wife getting for Christmas? A smaller turkey! -------------------  An elephant asks a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?" "Well", says the camel, "I think that's an odd question from someone whose dick is on his face."
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