Enjoy the Jokes!

Warning: this Joke Collection occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors).
 

Ed

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Late Night Jokes

Sept. 26, 2007

"This kind of seems like bad taste to me. A Giuliani fundraiser is now charging $9.11 ... in reference to 9/11. ... Isn't that inappropriate? I mean, isn't it like a Bill Clinton fundraiser charging $69 a head?" --Jay Leno

"Folks, it's official. Congress now has the lowest approval rating of any Congress in the history of the United State. 11%! Their approval rating is so low, today they were invited to speak at Columbia University." --Jay Leno

"This week, the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahma-nut job ... became the laughing stock of the world when he said there are no gay people in Iran. So apparently, he's never been to the Tehran airport men's room." --Jay Leno

"In Iran, homosexuals can be executed for being gay, but only if a homosexual act is witnessed by four other Iranian men. So, they've got four men watching two other men have sex. ... Isn't everybody gay?" --Jay Leno

"The Iranian president also said there are no lesbians in Iran either. Really? In that whole country, there isn't one whole female UPS driver? I don't think so." --Jay Leno

"In Utah, polygamy sect leader Warren Jeffs has been convicted. ... The guy's got 80 wives. 80 wives at the same time. In fact, when Rudy Giuliani heard that, he said, 'Records are made to be broken.'" --Jay Leno

"This Saturday, in Washington, DC, they will hold the Seventh Annual National Book Festival. First Lady Laura Bush will deliver a speech about the joys of reading. And then, President Bush will give the rebuttal." --Jay Leno

"All the world leaders are in town for the U.N. General Assembly. ... Yesterday, President Bush met with President Valdis Zatlers of Latvia, President Festus Gontebanye Mogae of Botswana and President Jakaya Kikwete of Tanzania. Or, as Bush calls them, 'Buddy, Slim and Big Guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, controversial Iranian President Ahmadinejad insisted that Iran has freedom of the press. He says there are 30 newspapers published there that oppose his government. So, if you're keeping track, that's 30 opposition newspapers and 0 gay people." --Conan O'Brien

"Last night in New York -- see, he did have some fun while he was here -- Iran's President Ahmadinejad invited several high-profiled reporters over to his hotel for dinner. Apparently, it went well because this morning, Barbara Walters was seen leaving in the same clothes." --Conan O'Brien

"The organizers of Hillary Clinton's campaign are sponsoring a contest where the winner gets to watch a Democratic debate while sitting next to Bill Clinton. The rules specify: No members of the press, and no fat chicks" --Conan O'Brien

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ah-members only jacket-jad is headed back home tonight after a whirl-wind trip to New York. He said many, many crazy things during his time here, but the one most people seemed focused on -- I certainly am -- is his contention that there are no homosexuals in Iran. That claim was challenged by an Iranian news reporter [on screen: Ahmadinejad saying he knows no homosexuals after Iranian reporter says she knows several gay Iranians]. Neither did Larry Craig, right?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"You folks are here on a historic night. The entire balcony is filled with gay Iranians. ... A couple of days ago, up at Columbia University ... Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that there are no homosexuals in Iran. By the way, that's why in Iran, it's nearly impossible to get your dog groomed." --David Letterman

"Here's some good news, ladies and gentlemen: President Bush says he has a new plan to stop Iran's nuclear program. This is what he's going to do, he's going to have O.J. steal the plutonium" --David Letterman

"Each year, ambassadors and presidents gather with the goal of making it impossible to get across town in less than two hours. ... Mr. President, you're first. This is your chance to send a clear message to Iran at the U.N. Take the first swing [on screen: Bush saying, 'Americans are outraged by the situation in Burma']. We are? Really? I think I would change that statement somewhat to say, 'Americans just found out there was still a Burma.' ... It turns out that during the president's 20-minute speech, he only mentioned Iran once in passing and Iraq twice, focusing more on how he also doesn't like Burma, Sudan, Zimbabwe, Cuba, Kurgistan, and -- this was odd -- the show 'Two and A Half Men'" --Jon Stewart, on Bush's address to the U.N. General Assembly



Sept. 25, 2007

"Yesterday at Columbia University, it was 'Take Your Insane Dictator To Work Day.' There was a lot of controversy about letting the Iranian president speak here in the United States, much less at a university. I have to admit, I didn't like it. ... I mean, if he wants to condemn this country and our president, you do it the proper way ... you win an Academy Award." --Jay Leno

"Instead of New York, I wish they would have invited Ahmadinejad to California. That would have been fun to watch Governor Schwarzenegger trying to introduce him." --Jay Leno

"As you know, the Iranian president said a lot of stupid things yesterday. My favorite is when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. In fact, today, Idaho Senator Larry Craig volunteered to go over there on an ass-finding mission." --Jay Leno

" As you know, women in Iran have to cover up. ... Premarital sex is against the law. In fact, a man can't even touch a woman over there unless you're married. There's no R-rated movies. I'm surprised all guys in Iran aren't gay by now." --Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, former President Bill Clinton was asked how he would handle being First Husband if Hillary gets elected. ... He said he had no problem being First Husband, but being a husband first, that would be a problem." --Jay Leno

"I was a little disappointed to hear this. Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson, Mitt Romney and John McCain all said they cannot attend the minority debate this week at Morgan State University because they have scheduling conflicts. They're scheduled to meet with rich white people" --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President Bush addressed the General Assembly at the U.N. and he was coolly received by a skeptical audience. Oh, I get that every night. It's no big deal. ... California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was also at the U.N. summit. He did not speak, they just needed him to move a podium." --David Letterman

"How about that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? What a guy this guy is, huh? According to this guy, he says there are no homosexuals in Iran. I guess that explains the pathetic state of their musical theatre." --David Letterman

"But did you see Ahmadinejad's speech at the U.N.? One odd moment: In the middle of the speech, he took a cell phone call from Mrs. Giuliani" --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, the face of evil, the Hitler of our generation. Let's hear his terrifying words [on screen: Ahmadinejad claiming that there are no homosexuals in Iran]. ... That's so interesting there are no homosexuals in Iran because in America, there are no homosexuals in our conservative movement either" --Jon Stewart

"Last night we were discussing the presidential campaign. Of course, Hillary Clinton remains the solid frontrunner for the Democrats. A lot of voters though ... feel she can be a bit distant, calculated, some type of synthetic being that cries Mercury. Well, this weekend, Hillary Clinton appeared on all five Sunday morning news shows determined to showcase her humanity. And what is humanity's humanist humaninity? [on screen: various clips showing HRC laughing]. Ha ha ha ha. I'm joyful. Was this laughter spontaneous? In some instances, it did seem justified [on screen: HRC laughing when asked by FNC's Chris Wallace, 'Why do you and the president have such a hyperpartisan view of politics?'] Okay, I get that. You're on Fox News and they just asked you why you're so partisan. That's funny. But in other cases [on screen: HRC laughing at CBS' Bob Schieffer when he tells her GOPers are calling her health care plan 'socialized medicine']. I'm sorry, it's just the phrase 'socialized medicine' reference got me thinking about the old joke about the nun who tells St. Peter she won't gargle if Sister Mary Katherine's going to put her ass in the ... Anyway, I'm sorry, Bob, continue with your question." --Jon Stewart

"Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is taking flack for statements he made last week in London. Giuliani gave a speech to a group of British conservatives, including Margaret Thatcher ... and told reporters, 'I'm probably one of the four or five best known Americans in the world.' A line that always works in the Admirals Club. Now, Giuliani only made this statement to keep his audience from drifting away. You see, at the time, onlookers gathered in the lobby to gawk at actor Dustin Hoffman who was on a separate visit. Oh, what a coincidence, Dusty. Those two have been at each other ever since Hoffman beat out Giuliani for the role of Tootsie [on screen: Giuliani dressed in drag]. ... On his meeting with Margaret Thatcher, Giuliani said, 'I think she's one of three people who changed the map of Europe.' The other two, of course, are Napoleon and Hitler. ... One thing is clear about all this -- Rudy Giuliani loves lists. In fact, he often refers to his wife Judith as 'one of the top three wives he has had'" --Stephen Colbert

"The President of Iran is in the United States. President Mahmoud Ah-members only jacket-jad addressed the United Nations General Assembly today. ... This guy is nuts. He denies the Holocaust happened. He says his country has no homosexuals. He's looked very hard for them, he's even placed personal ads. ... Hey, maybe if there were homosexuals in Iran, he'd be better dressed" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, Iran's President Ahmadinejad said that his country doesn't have problems with gay people because they don't have homosexuals in Iran. Although Ahmadinejad did admit that sometimes one Iranian will take another Iranian's penis hostage." --Conan O'Brien

"Apple launched its iPhone in Europe ... but it's being criticized because they say it's not European enough. Apparently, the iPhone isn't European enough because it actually works the entire month of August" --Conan O'Brien



Sept. 24, 2007

"The president of Iran gave a speech in New York City today, and thousands of New Yorkers are really upset about it. The New Yorkers said, 'If we want to hear a short-tempered Iranian man yell at us, we'll take a cab.'" --Conan O'Brien

"During his speech at Columbia University, President Ahmadinejad said his country 'doesn't have problems with gay people because they don't have homosexuals in Iran.' Which finally explains why Ahmadinejad gets away with wearing a windbreaker from 1983." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke at a conference on global warming, and he said, 'The time has come to stop looking back at the Kyoto Protocol.' Afterwards, people said, 'We didn't solve anything, but it was really fun hearing Arnold say Kyoto Protocol.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This Saturday, President Bush will be on hand in Washington to celebrate the Seventh Annual National Book Festival. The president's very excited about the festival, because he's been named Cliffs Notes Man of the Year." --Conan O'Brien

"Vice President Cheney was recently asked who's going to win the 2008 presidential election, and he said it could go either way. So I guess he means Larry Craig" --Conan O'Brien

"The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahma-nut job, has arrived in the United States. Did you know he was issued a visa to come here? Isn't that amazing? You need a visa to get into the United States now, when did they start with that? ... You know the interesting part? After he landed, he actually drove his own cab in from the airport." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, Ahmadinejad spoke to students at Columbia University. You know why he chose Columbia? ... 'Cause Notre Dame's football program sucks this year. ... No, it was tricky because he had to have an interpreter that could lie in two languages." --Jay Leno

"Actually, there was a lot of controversy over letting him speak at Columbia. The dean of the university said that he would even let Hitler speak. Apparently, he didn't realize he just did." --Jay Leno

"Ahmadinejad ... is against drugs, he's against alcohol, against premarital sex, against homosexuality and pornography. What's he speaking at a college for? Good luck finding any common ground with those kids." --Jay Leno

"My favorite part of his speech is when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. That's what he said. Too bad, because they need somebody to choreograph those parades they have every week." --Jay Leno

"According to a new report out of Cuba, Fidel Castro is near death, but is clinging to life and he is determined to outlive the Bush presidency. Wow, just like Dan Rather." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton gave an interview to the gay magazine, The Advocate. When asked about the rumor that she is a lesbian, Hillary denied it. Hillary said she is not a lesbian. A confused President Bush said today, he has no problem with anyone being a lesbian, as long as they are in this country legally." --Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani also on the campaign trail. He spoke to the NRA, the National Rifle Association, last week and he tried to appeal to them by saying that two of his marriages were shotgun weddings." --Jay Leno

"The Forbes list of the 400 richest Americans is out. Everybody on the list is now a billionaire. You can't even be a millionaire and be on the list, you have to be a billionaire to be on the list. So see that, the Bush tax cuts are working" --Jay Leno

"You folks are here during a great week. It's 'Lunatic Dictator Week' in New York City. ... Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is here to visit the U.N., and also to recover some stolen sports memorabilia. ... Earlier today, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke at Columbia University. Oh my gosh, ladies and gentleman, there hasn't been this many angry protesting students at a college since Ball State named a building after me" --David Letterman

"New York City today abuzz. The big talk? Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is here speaking at the U.N. and actually touring our fair city. Start spreading the news ... 'Death to America.' ... Even before his arrival, Ahmadinejad caused a stir by saying he wanted to visit Ground Zero, a request many New Yorkers saw as the ultimate insult. Or so they thought, until the diminutive Iranian got off his plane at Kennedy Airport [on screen: Ahmadinejad with a Boston Red Sox hat on]. ... The really dickish part about that? He's a Twins fan." --Jon Stewart

"With the streets here gridlocked by security, how would Ahmadinejad have the time to make all these commitments? Simple. He gets to drive in the Holocaust Deniers Lane. One thing you can't deny is the time you'll save." --Jon Stewart

"Meanwhile, our coverage of the race for the White House continues. ... We begin with the Democrats. So far, the road to the White House has taken them through Gay Town, Unionville, black areas, YouTubistan, and let's say ... Miami [on screen: the Univision debate]. Who is the target demo of last Thursday's debate? ... The latest Democratic debate was sponsored by the AARP, the nation's largest advocacy group for senior citizens. ... All the candidates agreed with basic AARP principles: a) health care is a right, b) your grandchildren are, in fact, adorable. And only one candidate was willing to take on the AARP's most powerful ally -- big pastry [on screen: Hillary Clinton saying, 'No more donut holes']. No you didn't! If she goes after matinees, it is over." --Jon Stewart

"Today, New York City is host to a very famous tourist. I am talking about Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadine-if you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere-jad. He's here for the U.N.'s annual General Assembly, but the big controversy, of course, is his stop at a college campus. He was invited to speak at Columbia University as part of their new lecture series, 'Why I Should Not Be Invited To Speak At Columbia University.' ... I was not at the lecture, but the man is a powerful performer. You have not heard him deny the Holocaust until you've heard him deny it live. ... I'm glad that he's here because he makes me angry, and there's nothing I like more than wallowing in my own anger." --Stephen Colbert

Sept. 21, 2007

"Republicans are still angry about this 10-day-old MoveOn.org ad. You know, the General Petraeus, he betrayed us. And the Senate actually voted to condemn an ad. That's what your government did yesterday, they held a vote to pass a resolution to condemn an ad with a pun it in. And then they had oreos and braided each other's hair." --Bill Maher

"And 22 Democrats voted for that, by the way. You know, I have to say, the Democrats are so useless that they could not even pass a bill to get our troops more time between deployments. Only the Republicans could make an argument that a bill that literally supports the troops didn't support the troops. And only the Democrats could lose that argument. Next week, the Democrats are going to vote whether to give Republicans all their lunch money or just some of it." --Bill Maher

"The Democrat-controlled Congress' approval rating is now somewhere between rectal itch and that douchbag on the Internet who says 'leave Britney alone.' ... Their approval ratings is 11%. 11%! They were so stunned at this number, the Democrats, that it sent a chill up and down where their spine used to be." --Bill Maher

"But, come on, it's not all bad. Hillary did call Dick Cheney Darth Vader. ... Which is very unfair, because Darth Vader would have caught bin Laden by now." --Bill Maher

"Iran's president wanted to lay a wreath at Ground Zero, but his critics said, 'No, no. You are trying to exploit Ground Zero for political gain, and that is Rudy Giuliani's job.'" --Bill Maher

"Rudy says he is not going to go to the ... 'black debate' this month with Tavis Smiley, and neither are the other Republican frontrunners. I think that's just as well. I don't think the Republicans are really that in tune with the black community, 'cause they asked Mitt Romney today what he thought of the Jena 6 and he said, 'I prefer The Jackson 5.'" --Bill Maher

"Vicente Fox, the former president of Mexico, has a book coming out where he talks about George Bush. He said that Bush, the cowboy, is afraid of horses. Well actually, he's not afraid of them, but he had a bad experience. Back in college, a horse defeated him in a debate" --Bill Maher

"It's getting pretty nasty out there on the campaign trail. This week, Hillary Clinton referred to Vice President Dick Cheney as Darth Vader. ... And today, he demanded an apology. Not Dick Cheney, Darth Vader." --Jay Leno

"The president of Iran ... is coming to New York to address the United Nations. Why isn't his name on the no-fly list? ... And you don't want to get stuck behind him in the security line. How long would that take? Actually, you know he'd go through the line in two minutes, but they'd strip search the 85-year-old grandmother standing behind him. " --Jay Leno

"When Scott Pelley ... on '60 Minutes' told Mahmoud Ahmadinejad that the American people would be very insulted if he visited Ground Zero, the Iranian President disagreed. He said, 'No. There are 300 million people in America with many different points of view. As opposed to Iran, which has 70 million people who aren't allowed any point of view.'" --Jay Leno

"An MIT student named Star Simpson walked into Logan Airport in Boston today with a fake bomb strapped to her chest. ... She said it was art, but of course they took it very seriously. Police were called. In fact, it got so scary, it actually scared Senator Larry Craig right out of the airport men's room" --Jay Leno

"The White House has announced that during President Bush's last year in office, he's going to visit more countries than in any other year of his presidency. Bush says he's going to accomplish all this in one weekend by going to Epcot Center." --Conan O'Brien

"Last night, yet another Democratic presidential debate. ... The Democratic presidential candidates took part in a debate sponsored by the senior citizen group AARP. To win over the crowd, each candidate came out strongly against the War of 1812" --Conan O'Brien

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A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed.

He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?"

He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house.

The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again.

"I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene.

After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!"

The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"

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Little Golden Books That Never Made It"

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

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Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.

Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

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The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire.

Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"

The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

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An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked
"How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

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Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

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A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you."

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."

The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

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THANK YOU (updated)

Thank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year!

It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!

Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains and rusting the arse out of 40-gallon drum.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with a disease.

I smell like a homeless f*@k, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer.

I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.

I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds and KFC can sell their wares.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I would get sick from the rat faeces and urine.

When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody or talk to anybody - you said that someone would take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

However, the police are also after me at present because you said not to pull over, as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program.

It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse.

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Two guys get stuck on a desert island.

They are soon caught by the natives and brought to a village and put before the chief.

He says to the first guy,"As punishment for tresspassing I give you a choice, death or Ru Ru".

Not wanting to die he picks Ru Ru.He is then beaten and buggered to unconciousness right in front of his friend.

The 2nd guywhen asks says "I'd rather die than suffer that ".

The chief says "Great,death it is,death by Ru Ru"!!!

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A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"

The Italian says, "We have the Colosseum"

The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians"

The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire"

...and so on and so on and then the Greek says: "We invented sex"

The Italian says "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

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And on THAT note, some famous Italian quotes:

The budget should be balanced, the treasury refilled, public debt reduced, the arrogance of officialdom tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands curtailed, lest Rome become bankrupt. - Marcus Tullius Cicero

***

People have an image of Italians. When I go somewhere in the world, I don't care where it is, when they look at me it's not about my intelligence. It's who can I beat up. --- Danny Aiello

***

There are all kinds of myths going on in the Italian culture, and the way they celebrate is through their food. It's the tradition of the table where the Italians celebrate most of their triumphs and successes. -- Mario Batali

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A four-letter Italian word for good-bye...BANG --- Archie Bunker - Carroll O'Connor

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Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian. ---H. L. Mencken

***

When Mel told his Jewish mother he was marrying an Italian girl, she said: 'Bring her over. I'll be in the kitchen - with my head in the oven'. ---Anne Bancroft

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Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic orphanage in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Grapje is now a cardinal, having devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor and holy man. However, commentators and analysts completely discounted him in the recent conclave.

The Church is simply not ready for a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

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You know you're Italian when...

You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.

Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.

You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.

You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

If someone in your family grows beyond 5'9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.

There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.

You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

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And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:

. Your grandfather had a fig tree.

. You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.

. Christmas Eve . . . only fish.

. Your mom's meatballs are the best.

. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

. Plastic on the furniture is normal.

. You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."

. You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."

. You've called someone a "mamaluke."

. And you understand "bada bing"

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Two Italian guys are driving through Texas ...

Two Italian guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that guy would've tried that crap with me!

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Q. Why are most Italian men named Tony?

A. When they got on the boat to America they stamped To NY (Tony) on their foreheads.

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The Image Gallery

1 GB hard drive - 40 years old compared to 1GB chip in size

Alien Monster made entirely out of vegetables.

Death Valley Sky at Night

 

 
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