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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 21st of September 2007
Fun Links:
Watch the faces of the judges as this guy walks out
on the stage. You can almost see what they're thinking as they
pre-judge this guy based on his looks and the fact that he's a cell
phone salesman. Jokes for Submariners: http://www.geocities.com/Pentagon/3392/humor.html
NASA's Mars orbiters have spotted "skylights"
apparently leading to cavernous underground spaces on Mars. The
discovery is fueling interest in potential underground habitats and
sparking searches for caverns elsewhere on the Red Planet.
Rugby isn't a game for wimps, as this picture gallery
of on-pitch bashes proves.
Last week in Boulder, Colorado, scientists converged
on the "Living With A Star" workshop to share the latest research in
solar physics. At one point, nearly 200 participants sat slack-jawed
as they watched a new movie recorded by Japan's Hinode spacecraft
showing a sunspot emerging from the depths of the sun. The newborn
spot resembled nothing less than a swimming planet-sized trilobite.
See for yourself--and find out what it means--in today's
Science@NASA story. Amazing Booty Dancer: http://www.vidmax.com/index.php/videos/view/3374 Train drives through a Bangkok Market: http://www.metacafe.com/watch/826361/train_drives_through_a_bangkok_market/
Enjoy the Jokes!
Warning: this Joke
Collection occasionally contains strong language (which may
be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable
for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for
liberal-arts majors).
Ed
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.JPG) One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, "I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan." Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, "I'm sorry, we don't loan money to frogs." To which the frog replied, "I have collateral," as he handed her a small ceramic trinket. Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said, "I don't know. I'll have to talk to the bank manager." She walked back to the manager's office and said, "There is a frog out here, asking for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this trinket is all he has for collateral." The bank manager picked up the trinket and looked at it carefully. Then smiling he turned to Patty and said, "Why it's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan." ------------------- .JPG) Milestones 1975 : Long hair 2005: Longing for hair 1975: KEG 2005: EKG 1975 : Acid rock 2005: Acid reflux 1975 : Moving to California because it's cool 2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm 1975: Tryin to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1975: Seeds and stems 2005: Roughage 1975: Hoping for a BMW 2005: Hoping for a BM 1975: Going to a new, hip joint 2005: Receiving a new hip joint 1975: Rolling Stones 2005: Kidney Stones 1975 : Screw the system 2005: Upgrade the system 1975 : Disco 2005: Costco 1975 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1975 : Passing the drivers' test 2005: Passing the vision test 1975 : Whatever 2005: Depends Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list: The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have always had an answering machine They have always had cable. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane." They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. -------------------- .JPG) E-MOONING We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where: :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) :-( Well, how about some "ASSICONS?" Here goes: (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_*_) a sore ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_E=mc2_) a smart ass (_$_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb Ass You have just been e-mooned! ------------------ .JPG) The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities off the north coast of Scotland. The transcript was released by the MoD on the 10/10/95. BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South. to avoid collision. US Navy : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision US Navy : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. BRITISH: Negative I say again divert your course. US Navy : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN' THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. F*ck off ------------------ .JPG) Political Correctness. "Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end." -------------------- .JPG) ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS THAT FURTHER ILLUSTRATE THAT AMERICANS MIGHT BE LOSING THEIR MINDS FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER: 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES: Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog. FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD: 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. FOUND: Dirty White Dog. Looks like a rat......been out a while. Better be a reward. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. NORDIC TRACK: $300 Hardly used. Call Chubby GEORGIA PEACHES: California grown - 89 cents lb. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300 WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE: WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie. (AND THE BEST ONE) FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed -- got married last month. Wife knows everything. --------------------- .JPG) We are currently preparing students for jobs that don’t yet exist... ...Using technologies that haven’t been invented . . . ...In order to solve problems we don’t even know are problems yet. ------------------- .JPG) Possibly the best letter ever to come out of the Inland Revenue....Taken from the Guardian, this is an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue. Dear Mr. Green, I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents. Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and puissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain , with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole. Which brings me to my next point, whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system." A couple of technical points arising from direct queries: 1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system; 2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable. I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India " you would still owe us the money. Please send it to us by Friday. Yours sincerely, H J Lee Customer Relations -------------------- .JPG) It was rumored that a particular Native American had a fantastic memory. Hundreds of people asked the American questions which he was able to answer. A skeptical young man set out to find this American. When he did find the American he thought he'd set a test. After standing in a long queue of people asking questions it was finally his turn. He asked the American what he had had for breakfast 10 years ago. The American replied: eggs. The young man went off not entirely satisfied because there was no evidence to prove that the answer was correct. Ten years later the man comes across the Native American again. Very pleased to see him he comes along to the American and greets him in the traditional "How". The American looks up at him, pauses for a moment and then replies: Scrambled. ------------------- .JPG) TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank? FRANK: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." ------------------- .JPG) MEN WRITING ADVICE COLUMNS... Dear Bob: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila ~~~~~ Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps. Bob ---------------------- .JPG) A married couple is having problems so they go to counseling. They sit down with the specialist and the wife points out the numerous problems with their marriage. After about 10 minutes, the specialist gets up, walks over to the wife and kisses her passionately. Then he tells the husband “now sir, if this happens 3 times a week your wife will feel much better about herself and your relationship.” The man says; “well I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but I go out drinking on Fridays.” ------------------------ .JPG) CRABBY OLD MAN When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Tampa, Florida, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Missouri. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem. And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this "anonymous" poem winging across the Internet. Crabby Old Man What do you see nurses? ............What do you see? What are you thinking......when you're looking at me? A crabby old man, ...not very wise, Uncertain of habit ........with faraway eyes? Who dribbles his food.......and makes no reply. When you say in a loud voice....."I do wish you'd try!" Who seems not to notice ..the things that you do. And forever is losing ........................... A sock or shoe? Who, resisting or not...........lets you do as you will, With bathing and feeding ... ........ The long day to fill? Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see? Then open your eyes, nurse......you're not looking at me. I'll tell you who I am .......... As I sit here so still, As I do at your bidding, .....as I eat at your will. I'm a small child of Ten.......with a father and mother, Brothers and sisters ...................who love one another A young boy of Sixteen ............with wings on his feet Dreaming that soon now. ...................a lover he'll meet. A groom soon at Twenty ...................my heart gives a leap. Remembering, the vows........that I promised to keep. At Twenty-Five, now .......... I have young of my own. Who need me to guide . And a secure happy home. A man of Thirty ....... My young now grown fast, Bound to each other ...... With ties that should last. At Forty, my young sons ....have grown and are gone, But my woman's beside me........to see I don't mourn. At Fifty, once more, .................... Babies play 'round my knee, Again, we know children .................. My loved one and me. Dark days are upon me ......... My wife is now dead. I look at the future ...........I shudder with dread. For my young are all rearing ......young of their own. And I think of the years...... And the love that I've known. I'm now an old man.........and nature is cruel. Tis jest to make old age ..............look like a fool. The body, it crumbles..........grace and vigor, depart. There is now a stone........where I once had a heart. But inside this old carcass ......A young guy still dwells, And now and again ................my battered heart swells. I remember the joys.............. I remember the pain. And I'm loving and living.............life over again. I think of the years ....all too few......gone too fast. And accept the stark fact........that nothing can last. So open your eyes, people .........open and see.. Not a crabby old man. Look closer....see........ME!! Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.....we will all , one day, be there, too! --------------------- .JPG) A young blonde woman in Joliet, Illinois, was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the I&M canal. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the dock, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulders and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Empress Casino, and we never leave Joliet." ----------------- .JPG) DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...? ? All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?? ? It took five minutes for the TV warm up?? ? Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?? ? Nobody owned a purebred dog?? ? When a quarter was a decent allowance? ? ? You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?? ? Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?? ? All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had?their hair done every day and wore high heels?? ? You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time?? And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot? ? ? Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box? ? ? It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner?at a real restaurant with your parents?? ? They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. .?. and they did? ? ? When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise,? peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady? ? ? No one ever asked where the car keys were? because they were always in the car,? in the ignition, and the doors were never locked? ? Lying on your back in the grass with your friends? and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a " and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?? ? Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?? ? And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once,?you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace,and share it with the children of today?? ? When being sent to the principal's office was nothing? compared to the fate that awaited the student at home? ? Basically we were in fear for our lives,?but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.?Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!??But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.? ? Send this on to someone who can still remember? Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy,? Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery,? the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.? ? ? As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games,? ? Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, ? and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.? .JPG) Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that" I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on. To remember what a double dog dare is, read on.And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between?old enough to know better and too young to care. How many of these do you remember? ? Candy cigarettes ? Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside? ? Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles ? Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes ? Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum ? ? Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers? ? Newsreels before the movie? ? P.F. Fliers? ? Telephone numbers with a word prefix...(Raymond 4-601).? ? Party lines? ? Peashooters? ? Howdy Doody? ? Hi-Fi's? ? 45 RPM records? ? 78 RPM records? ? Green Stamps? ? Metal ice cubes trays with levers? ? Mimeograph paper? ? Beanie and Cecil ? ? Roller-skate keys? ? Cork pop guns? ? Drive ins ? ? Studebakers ? ? Washtub wringers? ? The Fuller Brush Man? ? Reel-To-Reel tape recorders? ? Tinkertoys ? ? Erector Sets? ? The Fort Apache Play Set? ? Lincoln Logs ? ? 15 cent McDonald hamburgers ? ? 5 cent packs of baseball cards with that awful pink slab of bubble gum? ? Penny candy? ? 25 cent a gallon gasoline ? ? Jiffy Pop popcorn ? .JPG) Do you remember a time when... ? Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?? ? Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?? ? "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?? ? Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening? ? ? It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?? ? The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"? ? Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot? ? Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures? ? "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?? ? Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?? ? The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?? ? War was a card game? ? Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?? ? Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin? ? ? Water balloons were the ultimate weapon? If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!? ? Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from? their "grown-up" life . . .I double-dog-dare-ya!? ----------------------- .JPG) Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook. ---------------------- The Image Gallery
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