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Wednesday Night, August 22Letterman
There is a tri-state area dog food recall. The tainted dog food will
be rounded up and fed to Michael Vick.
Michael Vick pled guilty to dog fighting charges, and he may do jail
time. And they say this guy went through more dogs than Bill
Clinton.
The Falcons, Vick’s team, is still waiting to see if Vick violated
the NFL personal conduct policy. And I was stunned. I said to
myself, "The NFL has a personal conduct policy?”
Here’s news: A 90-year-old man has become a father. I’m lucky at my
age if I can get the cap off the Viagra.
Ferguson
Not such a great day for Brazil. Vampire bat attacks on cattle have
reached a record high. Cows are being attacked by vampires. I think
we know where Bob Barker went for retirement.
Not such a great day for Beyonce. Apparently a crowd at a Toronto
concert got a look at Beyonce’s boobies. Beyonce jumped off some
stairs just as a gust of wind blew her dress up. Or as I call it —
perfect storm.
There’s a new study that comes out today. It says breaking up isn’t
hard to do. You should always consider where you get relationship
advice from. Should you be getting relationship advice from
scientists? Scientists are pasty, pear-shaped mouse torturers . . .
what do they know about relationships?
Tuesday August 21, 2007
Letterman
It is so rainy here in New York City, Michael Vick didn’t need a
pool to drown dogs.
The dog fighting charge may put an end to his career. As you know,
the same thing happened to Rosie O’Donnell.
He faces a year and a half in prison. But I was thinking, "Shouldn’t
that be a year and a half times seven?"
Here’s a great story: A couple was waiting in line at a Taco Bell
and they were having sex in their van. When I heard about the couple
getting arrested, I thought, "Oh for the love of God, Britney please
get some help."
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Michael Vick Excuses
10. "House came with a dogfighting pit, and it seemed like a shame
to waste it"
9. "Wanted to distract the public from crooked NBA referees and
cheating baseball players"
8. "Judgment was impaired by playing with lead-based Chinese toys"
7. "I was training the dogs to ... uhhhhhh ... get Osama"
6. "Always wanted to be quarterback for a prison team, like in 'The
Longest Yard'"
5. "Steroids made me all crazy"
4. "Eddie Brill told me I needed something big to close on"
3. "Oh like you've never run an illegal dogfighting ring"
2. "Thought I could get out of it by buying Kobe Bryant's wife a
diamond"
1. "Fights weren't worse than what you see on 'The View'"
Ferguson
The race for the White House is really heating up. Hillary Clinton
made a very important speech today. She said that she favors early
withdrawal. And she wants the troops out of Iraq.
Larry King is going to be the guest star on the season finale of
"The Closer.” They say he’s playing the bumbling buffoon with severe
memory loss. It’s the role he was born to play, I say!
It’s a great day for America — the space shuttle Endeavor landed
safely. Well done, you guys. They had to land a day early . . .
because of Hurricane Dean, and of course, because they wanted to see
the finale of "America’s Got Talent.”
Scientists have said they may have figured out a way to travel
through time. For years now I’ve known of a potion that can let you
travel through time — it’s called tequila.
Monday Night, August 20
Letterman
Did you see the Democratic debates? The loser of the debate was
taken out back and drowned by Michael Vick.
Karl Rove has resigned. He said he wants to spend more time leaking
information about his family.
Jenna Bush is getting married. First, the guy has to be confirmed by
Congress.
It’s going to be an expensive wedding. The $3 billion contract has
gone to Halliburton.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Good Things About Marrying Into The Bush Family
10. Great deals on Fallujah honeymoon
9. You'll inherit President Bush's extensive collection of Chuck
Norris memorabilia
8. It's a good bet the wedding reception will have an open bar
7. Might see Cheney shoot an old guy — still a reference, folks
6. Learning from Grandma Barbara how to spit chaw
5. Every Wednesday is Taco Night
4. What could be more fascinating than learning what makes Jeb tick?
3. If half the family hates you, you still have better approval
rating that George Bush
2. W. can lend you the "Mission Accomplished" banner to put up in
the bedroom
1. Little chance you'll be the dumbest guy in the family
Ferguson
Not such a great day for the filming industry. Filming on Tom
Cruise’s new movie stopped after 11 people had been injured. They
tripped over a tiny object . . . Tom Cruise.
Steven Segal is blaming the FBI for ruining his movie career. He
said he’s not getting the movie roles that he wants because of a
false FBI investigation. The FBI issued a response and said, "It is
our job to stop people from making bombs.”
I went home to Glasgow over the weekend. Glasgow has had a terrible
reputation. About 20 years ago though, the crime rate in Glasgow
started to go down. And it’s gone down ever since. It was around the
time I left.
Friday Night, August 17
Ferguson
Karl Rove stepped down this week. He said he wants to spend more
time with his loved ones. I think I speak for everyone when I say,
Karl Rove has loved ones?
I think he’s leaving now so he has plenty of time to steal
Christmas.
"The invasion” movie comes out this weekend. It’s a remake of
"Invasion of the Body Snatchers," a classic science fiction movie.
In the 1950s movies, all the aliens would come down with their
powerful weapons and threaten the American way of life. Of course it
was all a metaphor for communism, because everyone at that time was
scared of the Soviets. We thought the Russians were drunk on power.
Turns out they were just drunk.
Thursday Night, August 16
Ferguson
It’s a great day for Russia. They’re giving everyone a day off next
month to procreate. They want more citizens. Apparently they’re
running out of Russians.
I wish I could have a day off to procreate. I could have sex and
still have 23 hours and 58 minutes to do whatever I feel like!
Today is a very special day in the world of show business. It’s the
Material Girl’s birthday. She turns 49 today. That’s right — Elton
John, 49 today.
Madonna gives millions to charity, done lots of benefits, given a
lot of money away . . . her greatest gift, of course, to mankind —
she’s promised never to do another movie.
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DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING
Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just
fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Jim says, "I think I'm
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2
months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You
better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his
porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's
your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a
case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
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In a Classroom the teacher asks, "Maria, go to the map and find
North America."
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
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Solid Gold Urinal
Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get
acquainted tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if
he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton 's personal bathroom, he was astonished to
see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.
"Just think," he said, "When I am president, I could have a gold
urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!"
Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White
House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his
discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the
President had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed,
Hillary smiled, and said to Bill....
"I found out who peed in your Saxophone."
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Sergeant: Private, I think the enemy soldiers are hiding in the
wood. I want you to go in there and flush them out for us.
Private: Okay, sir, but if you see a bunch of guys running out the
woods, don’t shoot the one in front.
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Have another cup of coffee and figure this one out!
Many, many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a
widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, and soon the
two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very
life. My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy. I soon
became the father of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became
a brother-in-law to dad and became my uncle, though it made me very
sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother to the
widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run and he became
my grandson, for he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my
mother's mother and it makes me blue because, although she is my
wife, she's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild and every
time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become
the strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I
am my own grandpa!!
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WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her
own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come
to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is
good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty
leaves and caterpillars.
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How
come dogs chase cats?".
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for
the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't
have television, because they are the only grown-ups who like to
spend time with us.
A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED ''OH,'' HE SAID,
''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER.
THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE
AIRPORT'
It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame
their dog."
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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night !!!
Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the
coffee beans in 3 seconds, the right half of your brain is better
developed than most people.
If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, the
right half of the brain is developed normally.
If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes,
then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need
to eat more protein.
If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the
advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that
part of the brain stronger!!!
And, yes, the man is really there!!!
Poodwaddle.com
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