Enjoy the Jokes!

Warning: this Joke Collection occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors).
 

Ed

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Late Night Jokes

Wednesday Night, August 8
Leno

Did you see that horrible rain storm in New York City? The flooding was so bad Hillary Clinton had to switch from a pantsuit to a wetsuit.

Another presidential debate last night. It did not do well in the ratings. In fact, you know the two Americans John Edwards is always talking about? Neither one of them was watching last night.

Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney say they will not participate in the Republican debate next month in Florida. John McCain said he will be there . . . if he can get a ride.

Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. She says the problem with her husband’s fundraising campaign is she can’t make him black, and she can’t make him a woman. That’s the same problem with Michael Jackson’s people.

Conan

Last night President Bush did not call Barry Bonds after he broke Hank Aaron’s homerun record, but today, Bush decided to make the call. Bush said, "I realized I had a rare opportunity to talk to the only guy in the country who is less popular than I am.”

Latest from the presidential campaign: Hillary Clinton says she’s going to reach out to healthcare employees by working a shift as a nurse at a hospital. When he heard this, Bill Clinton was upset and said, "Great. This will ruin the plot of my favorite porn movie.”

A couple in Arkansas had their 17th child. Afterwards, the other 16 kids threw their dad a "We get it — you’re not gay” party.

Ferguson

It’s a great day for Barry Bonds. He finally broke the homerun record. He celebrated last night with an expensive bottle of champagne which he injected into his ass.

Not such a great day for Donald Trump. His casinos are losing money. How does a casino lose money?

It goes against the laws of physics. Then again, so does that thing on his head.

There was a guy in New York who got arrested for smuggling a monkey onto a plane. I can’t get four ounces of shaving creme onto a plane! How’s he get monkey on there?

Kimmel

It was another beautiful day here; I almost feel guilty since the weather on the East Coast is so miserable. But really, when you’re laying by the pool, who cares?

Floods in New Jersey . . . they think there may have been a tornado in New York . . . it’s like Christmas for Al Gore.

It was a very big night for the very big-headed Barry Bonds.

He has the all-time record for career homeruns. There was big skirmish in the bleachers for the ball. Collectors say it’s worth somewhere between $300,000 and $500,000, which is actually a lot less than some other baseballs. Some baseballs have actually fetched millions of dollars so I guess taking steroids really does shrink the value of your balls.

Tuesday Night, August 7

Leno

President Bush signed a law on Sunday that broadly expands the government’s authority to eavesdrop on our telephone calls and e-mails without a warrant. So our phone calls are being watched, our e-mails are being watched. The only thing not being watched? NBC. Why can’t we get some of that action?

A new study found that angry men get ahead in the world. Angry men tend to beat their rivals for power. Finally some good news for John McCain.

Actor Sean Penn is currently touring Venezuela with President Hugo Chavez. Penn said between listening to Chavez attack President Bush and calling us the Great Satan, he said it was like being back in Malibu.

In a recent interview with People magazine, Kathy Hilton said that her daughter Paris Hilton may have gotten a rash from the sheets in her cell. Today the sheets issued a statement saying, no, they got the rash from Paris Hilton.

Conan

Britney Spears in trouble again. Yesterday Britney Spears was involved in a fender bender. Fortunately, her kids weren’t in the car at the time. Unfortunately, they were strapped to the roof.

Earlier this week at a campaigning event in Utah, hundreds of people showed up to hear a speech by Barack Obama. After Obama’s speech, the Utah crowd said, "That was great; now let us know if an Asian guy ever comes to town.”

The '80s rock band Van Halen announced that they are reuniting for their first tour with David Lee Roth in 20 years. The band says they would have reunited with David sooner, but up until now, they weren’t desperate enough.

The Hooters restaurant chain has announced that they may open up a Hooters in the Muslim city of Dubai. Right next to Thank God It’s Fatwah.

Ferguson

David Beckham and Posh Spice have got a new perfume coming out. It’s called "Intimately Beckham.” Apparently, it’s a delicate combination of anorexic breath and athlete’s foot.

And that’s just hers.

Remember the rumors that Keith Richards snorted his father’s ashes with cocaine? Now, Keith is saying the rumors are true. Well, partially true. He said he did snort his father’s ashes — but he didn’t mix them with cocaine. Because I suppose that would be disrespectful. "Beer and liquor, never sicker. Coke and Dad, that’s just bad.”

Kimmel

Another debate between Democratic candidates. They’re having three of these a week now. This time they did it in Soldier Field in Chicago. It was sponsored by the AFLCIO. The candidates did their best to wave their union flags, and they all talked about picketing with unions, being in unions . . . with the notable exception of Joseph Biden. [Footage of Biden wearing a pin with the words "Unions Are Gay” dubbed in.]

A new reality show debuted on VH1 last night. They’ve really cornered the market on putting people no one in their right mind would want to see on television, on television. This one is called "The Pick-Up Artist.” The idea is they take eight lovable losers and they team them with this master of romance: "The world’s most successful pick-up artist. A man who goes by only one name. Mystery.” They call him Mystery because it’s a mystery he’s ever had sex at all.

Earlier this year, there was a strange story about Keith Richards. He claims he once snored a mixture of cocaine and his dead father’s ashes. That was the story, but he denied it. Now, though, he’s saying he did snort his dad; he did not mix him with some cocaine. He only snorted his dad. Stars. They’re just like us.

Monday Night, August 6

Leno

Congratulations to Matt Damon. His movie "The Bourne Ultimatum” — the biggest movie opening ever in the month of August. It made $70 million. Today, Sen. John McCain asked Matt Damon to be his running mate.

If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a guy who works for the government but can’t remember his past. The original title was "The Alberto Gonzales Story.”

Today Chinese officials recalled 1 million tons of lead because it may contain toys.

According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of the men aren’t listening anyway.

Conan

Potential-for-candidate Fred Thompson is now busy defending his much younger wife. In a recent interview, he said all criticism of his wife should be directed at him. As a result, conservative groups told Thompson he’s been showing too much cleavage.

This week, the U.S. Army started using armed robots to patrol the streets of Iraq. Everybody thinks it’s a good idea except the armed robots.

The New York Times reduced the size of their paper. They reduced the width by an inch and a half. The news was announced with the headline, "Big News at New York Tim.”

In a recent interview, Paris Hilton says 20 tour buses a day come by her house. Paris says the other guys come by foot, horse back, or via aircraft carrier.

Ferguson

Great day for America, especially if you like Hooters. Hooters has announced they’re building a restaurant in the Middle East. There’ll be a few different menu items: get your ja-hot wings . . . infa-deli sandwich . . . Taliban-anna cream pie . . .

Scary news today. Jellyfish are going nuts in Florida. Four hundred people over the weekend were stung by jellyfish. Did you know that jellyfish have no brains? None. They’re like the Baldwins of the sea.

Apparently lifeguards are clearing out supermarkets of their vinegar. It soothes the jellyfish burns. You know what works even better? Urine. Human urine! If you see someone who’s been stung by a jellyfish pee on them. You’re doinng them a favor!

Even if I suspect someone might have been stung by a jellyfish, I run out onto the beach and pee on them. If I even think someone has been stung by a jellyfish I pee on them before they leave the office, just in case!

Friday Night, August 3

Leno

Hillary Clinton was chastised by the Washington Post for showing too much cleavage in front of the Senate. Isn’t this ridiculous! Shouldn’t we be focusing on Iraq, not her rack?

Yesterday, former Arkansas state representative, a man named Jim Bob Duggar, and his wife had their 17th child, and right afterwards he and his wife said they want more. See that? Another Republican with no plans to pullout.

The ex-wife of former New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey is reportedly asking for $56,000 a month in alimony. McGreevey has to pay his wife alimony until she dies or until she marries another gay man

Researchers at the University of Texas have come up with 237 reasons why people have sex. Today Paul McCartney’s ex-wife, Heather Mills came up with 100 million reasons why . . .

Letterman

Hot today. So hot, Lindsay Lohan checked into rehab just for the air conditioning.

So hot, earlier tonight on his show, Larry King was wearing only suspenders.

One wonders what he was holding up.

On this date in 1888, Theo Van Kannel invented the revolving door. So, you have him to thank for New York’s criminal justice system.

Conan

Britney Spears is in trouble again. She took her 22-month-old son to the dentist to have his teeth whitened. Britney defended herself by saying, "It was either have his teeth whitened or stop giving him coffee and cigarettes.”

The latest rumor is that Angelina Jolie threw a glass of wine in Brad Pitt’s face during an argument, and they’re thinking of splitting up. If that happens, she’ll get the kids from Asia, Europe, and Australia; he gets the kids from Africa, South America, and Greenland.

A 94-year-old great-great grandmother has become the oldest person in the world to earn a Masters degree. She says she plans to continue her education. Everyone is excited for the 94 year old, except her student loan officer.

Donald Trump is coming out with bedroom furniture. He says his bed is special; it automatically kicks your wife out when she turns 30.

Ferguson

Today’s a great day for music fans. Lollapalooza starts today in Chicago. Three days of rebellion, drugs, and corporate sponsorship.

Iggy Pop is playing there. I love Iggy! He just turned 60. [Shows a photo of Iggy Pop with whole body looking very wrinkled.] Human beef jerky.

Jennifer Lopez has a movie out called "El Cantante.” "El Cantante is Spanish for "'The Simpson’s' movie is sold out so let’s go into that movie.”

It’s my mother’s birthday today! Happy birthday Mother. It’s also Martha Stewart’s birthday. They don’t have anything in common . . . except the jail time.

Kimmel

This morning on "Good Morning America,” Nicole Richie sat down for an interview with Diane Sawyer to talk about her arrest and her pregnancy. She said the hardest call she had to make was to her dad Lionel Richie. And not because she was worried about telling him, but apparently he can’t answer the phone without singing the entire song, "Alone.”

Russia sent a fleet of mini submarines down to the floor of the Atlantic and they planted a flag at the North Pole. I guess in the old days, you could plant a flag and you could own things. But then they invented lawyers and everything changed.

They’ve laid claim to all the oil and natural gas underneath the North Pole, but it also means they’ve laid claim to the most wonderfully festive place in the world: Santa’s house.

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Europeans Heighten Threat Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

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A Defendant in a court case was in a precarious situation regarding his Federal indictment, and the subsequent preponderance of evidence of his guilt.

The day of his appearance on the witness stand, the bailiff had sworn him in for his testimony and he was asked to swear on a Bible that he was telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

The Defendant answered in his customary evasive style, "Show me the part of the Bible where there is a spelling error, and I will swear on that".

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Naughty Riddles

Q.What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.

Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

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Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

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Funny Repeat...

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faitful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing,' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said:
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!

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A mom concerned about her kindergarten son's safety walking to school but not wanting to embarrass him, asked a neighbor if she would follow him but not too close for him to notice.

The neighbor Mrs. Goodnest said no problem since she needed to take her toddler Marcy for a walk.

The next day Mrs. Goodnest and her girl Marcy followed the boys. After a week of being followed a friend asked Timmy if he noticed the lady following them.

Timmy said yes.

His friend asked if he knew her.

Timmy said yes, she is Shirley Goodnest and her daughter Marcy.

His friend asked why was she following them.

Timmy answered; well every night my mom makes me say the 23rd psalm with my prayers. In the psalm it says, “Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life" so I'll just have to get use to it.

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A collection of the latest and greatest Viagra jokes…

A crate load of Viagra has been stolen from a distribution depot - police are looking for hardened criminals.
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It’s been revealed that criminals who steal Viagra will face stiff penalties.
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A man and his wife went to the chemist to pick up his prescription for Viagra. Seeing the $10 per pill price, the man was astonished - but his wife had a different opinion - “Oh, $40 a year ain’t too bad”.
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A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Anxious to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but, in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them.

Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off.

Just as his wife comes home, the Viagra kicks in and it’s hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted.

“What happened?” the man asks, “You were in there for hours and yet you’re not only alive but you’re sweating like crazy?”

The cockatiel pants: “Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs of a frozen chicken?”
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There’s a new beverage on the market…it’s called Viagraccino - one cup and you’re up all night.
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Did you hear about the man who spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he’s hard up.
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We’re told that the funeral home industry is happy about Viagra overdoses: Lots of new stiffs mean an upswing in business.

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Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”

“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears.

“That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?"

“I did!” sobbed Johnny.

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A look at the relationship between men and women...

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. ~Attributed to both Marion Smith and Nicole Hollander

The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed an inflated notion of the importance of everything they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just as much of a charade as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they'd never clean anything. ~Dave Barry

The more I see of men, the more I like dogs. ~Madame de Staël

If they can put one man on the moon why can't they put them all there? ~Chocolate Waters

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Men should take care of women – as long as it doesn’t cost too much

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an extraction.

“$85 for an extraction sir” was the dentists reply.

“Och huv ye nay got onythin cheaper”, replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

“But that’s the normal charge for an extraction sir”, said the dentist.

“What aboot if ye didnae use ony anaesthetic?”, asked the Scotsman hopefully.

“Well it’s highly unusual sir, but if that’s what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70”, said the dentist.

“Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still without anaesthetic”, said the Scotsman.

“Well it’s possible but they are only training and I can’t guarantee their level of professionalism and it’ll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40”, said the dentist.

“Och that’s still a bit much, how aboot if ye make it a training session and have yon student do the extraction and the other students watchin and learnin”, said the Scotsman hopefully.

“Hmmmmm, well OK it’ll be good for the students I suppose, I’ll charge you only $5 in that case”, said the dentist.
“Wonderful, it’s a deal” said the Scotsman…”Can ye book the wife in for next Tuesday”

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Here’s a believable story about Minnesota women

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Minnesota girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a lawn service.

Gotta love them Minnesota girls!

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Sorry about this one ladies

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare. Eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time. No one moves.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps...

He whispers, "Iron this -- and then get me a beer.

~~~~~

From the “Men’s You May Need Help” Column

There are two theories to arguing with women.

Neither one works.

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Stress Diet

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds during the day.

Breakfast
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss

Afternoon Tea
The rest of the Hershey kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Late Night Snack
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts.

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This guy pulls into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure his dog had fresh air.

The dog was stretched out in the back seat, and the guy wanted to impress upon he that he must remain there.

The guy walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car gave the guy a startled look “I don’t know about you, man,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”

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