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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 3rd of August, 2007
There's a new Lotus Sushi Bar in American Yacht
Harbor, Red Hook, St Thomas with a very interesting decor
including...
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Enjoy the Jokes!
Warning: this Joke
Collection occasionally contains strong language (which may
be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable
for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for
liberal-arts majors).
Ed
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 Late Night Jokes... Thursday Night, August 2 Leno The big story in Washington D.C. . . . not the war in Iraq, not Alberto Gonzales lying to Congress, not healthcare . . . the big story everyone is talking about, Hillary Clinton showing a little cleavage. It's amazing isn't it? The United States is 231 years old, but apparently the media is only 13. Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama said today that he would not use nuclear weapons under any circumstances. I didn't realize his battle with Hillary had escalated to this level. I just thought there was a little friction . . . Madame Tussauds' new wax museum in Washington D.C. is going to feature a "scandal room,” featuring wax likenesses of elected officials involved in sex, alcohol, or ethics scandals. Why would you go there, when you can just walk five blocks to the Capitol building and see the real thing? The shuttle Endeavor is preparing for an 11-day mission next week. Or as the astronauts call it, "Road trip! Road trip! Letterman Hot down in Washington D.C. So hot, Abe Lincoln was sitting in the Reflecting Pool. It was so hot that NBA ref was fixing hockey games. The new host of "The View” is Whoopi Goldberg. Rosie had to leave because of dog fighting. Donald Trump has a new line of bedroom furniture. Apparently he found out there was still some money out there that he didn’t have his hands on. Conan Russia is claiming that it owns the North Pole. President Bush is furious and said, "That’s ridiculous — everyone knows the North Pole is owned by Santa.” Latest on the campaign: It was reported that things are going so badly for Sen John McCain, McCain has to carry his own luggage. Meanwhile, things are going so badly for Dennis Kucinich’s campaign, he has to carry Barack Obama’s luggage. This week, a group of Mexican officials crossed the border into Texas to see how the U.S. handles immigration enforcement. As soon as the Mexican officials arrived, they yelled, "Suckers!” and headed for Los Angeles. In Florida, a man whose name is Harry Potter says that he is constantly harassed by prank phone calls. Potter thinks the calls are coming from his neighbor down the street, Joey Voldermort. Ferguson Bad day for Brangelina. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. There’s a rumor that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are breaking up. Here’s my big chance! Call me Brad . . . The Internet has finally met its match. Elton John. He wants to shut it down. He says it stifles creativity. And prevents real human connection. I think he’s just repulsed by the Internet because it’s full of naked women. Look out Internet, your reign of terror is over! Kimmel It’s a big night for baseball here in California. Barry bonds, the balloon-headed slugger, continues to chase Hank Aaron’s all-time homerun record. It would be oddly appropriate for him to break that number here in L.A., because almost everyone here is artificially enhanced too. Elton John told a newspaper in London that the Internet is killing creativity and should be shut down. Imagine that. We’d have to go back to drawing our own pornography. Kayne West is speaking out too. He says that black people should stop using the word "bling.” He says that only whites and out-of-touch older black people still say it. I don’t know if you know this, but I am white and I have to admit, I get confused about this sort of thing. I just found out it’s not cool to sat "OPP” anymore.  Wednesday Night, August 1 Leno It was so hot today, NBA refs were fixing hockey games just to be near the ice. I was sweating like Attorney General Alberto Gonzales when he had to swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. It’s Wednesday. Or as Hillary Clinton calls it, "my humps” day. According to the Washington Post, Hillary Clinton has been showing a little cleavage out there on the campaign trail. And people feel this is why her lead over Barack Obama has increased. And I think there’s something to it. In fact, today, Barack Obama made a speech with a rolled-up sock in his pants. Letterman Hot today in New York City. So hot, Dick Cheney shot a buddy with a Super Soaker. It was so hot today, Michael Vick was organizing penguin fights. So hot today, Rupert Murdoch purchased Dairy Queen. There’s a new study out that says there are 237 reasons why people have sex. Two-hundred-and-thirty-seven reasons! Reason No. 237: Something to do while my wife is running for president. Conan The new prime minister of England, Gordon Brown, secretly met with Bill Clinton today. By the way, it was Bill Clinton’s seventh secret meeting of the day. The New York Post reports that Britney Spears often feeds her children soda, candy, ice cream, and Doritos. Or as Britney calls them, the four food groups. A man in Mexico who once weighed 1,200 pounds has lost almost half that weight and might enter the "Guinness Book of World Records” for most weight lost. The Mexican man lost the weight when the family inside him moved to America. The Xerox company announced that they have created a new kind of paper that kills fewer trees. A spokesman said, "Every ingredient in our new paper is completely synthetic except for the kittens.” Ferguson Not such a great day if you live in the North Pole. The Russians are saying the North Pole belongs to them. I say give it to them! It’s melting anyway. Soon it will just be ocean. Ocean with huge reserves of oil underneath. Here’s what caught my eye today: A Tennessee minister was arrested for being drunk, high, and for wearing a skirt. Why is that illegal? Where I am from, if you see a guy drunk, stoned out of his mind, and wearing a skirt, you say, "Good morning, Grandpa!” They’re saying, in Graceland, they’re going to add a giant Visitor’s Center and a high-tech museum. I am worried they’re going to make it tacky! Kimmel They’ve been searching far and wide for a new co-host for "The View” since Rosie O’Donnell bit somebody and the audience had to be put to sleep. The Spears-Federline marriage is now officially over. The papers went through. She actually did something sane this week, that means. Federline’s timing is impeccable. He got in while she was all cute and bubbly, and got out before she turned into Andy Dick. Nicole Richie has confirmed that she is indeed pregnant, which explains why she has gotten so fat.  Tuesday Night, July 31 Leno It was so hot today, Hillary spoke before the Senate topless. The Washington Post criticized Sen. Hillary Clinton for showing cleavage while speaking in front of the Senate. That’s seems sexist to me. They never went after Sen. Ted Kennedy for doing the exact same thing. A scary incident yesterday for Supreme Court Justice John Roberts. He collapsed on the ground outside his vacation home in Maine. Turns out he had a seizure. At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far to the right. He’s our most important judge after Simon Cowell. Letterman So hot today, I was sweating like a poodle at Michael Vick’s place. So hot, Dick Cheney implanted a pacemaker and an icemaker. It was so hot, the astronauts were drinking frozen margaritas. Talk about how sexy Hillary Clinton looks. Folks down in Washington say they haven’t seen this much cleavage in the Senate since Ted Kennedy. Letterman's Top Ten Top Ten Signs President Bush Needs A Vacation 10. Ordered a full-scale invasion of Turks and Caicos 9. Staffers found him having a conversation with a coat rack 8. Asked CIA director to have Jason Bourne join hunt for Osama 7. Hasn't stopped sobbing since he was passed over for "The Price is Right" 6. Has only seen the new Harry Potter movie four times 5. Only seems half as Bushy as usual 4. Instead of signing bills, now licks 'em 3. So overworked he's pronouncing words correctly. Boo-ya! 2. He's been drinking like an astronaut 1. Hasn't given Laura the ol' "veto" in months Conan Just days after having a heart procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney appeared on "Larry King Live.” Doctors say he looked old, pale, and sickly; and so did Cheney. Former President Bill Clinton said that if Hillary is elected president, he’d be glad to serve as a roving ambassador. Clinton added, "I’ve already got the roving part down." According to a new report, many people from Cuba are now sneaking in through Mexico. Apparently the hard part is squeezing the raft through the tunnel. In Ireland, someone recently broke into a wax museum, and undressed the wax figures of Joseph Stalin, Adolph Hitler, and Franklin D. Roosevelt. The new exhibit is called "Gay Orgies of the Second World War." Ferguson It’s a great day for job-seekers in America. Puff Daddy put an ad for an assistant on YouTube. He isn’t the only one looking for an assistant. Donald Trump offered Rosie O’Donnell 2 million bucks to be on "The Apprentice.” I know Rosie, and she would not sell her dignity for 2 million bucks to a short-fingered Bulgarian wearing a badger on his head. She wouldn’t, but I would. You can write your name on me Donald. For 50 bucks you can wrote your name on my ass. I don’t care. Kimmel I have to congratulate Larry King. A lot of these younger guys on CNN get a lot of credit for going to places where they put themselves in the line of fire to get a story, but Larry King, you’d think he’d be scared to sit down with Vice President Dick Cheney. I mean, this is a guy who has a record of shooting old men in the face. Hillary Clinton showed a little cleavage during a speech on the Senate floor a couple of weeks ago, and some people think she’s doing it to show some feminimity. Hillary didn’t want to hear anything about it. She called the observation grossly inappropriate. Who would have ever thought a controversy involving Clinton and cleavage would involve Hillary! Star Jones has announced after years of secrecy, the way she lost all her weight was having gastric bypass surgery. She went from a size 26 to a size six. I honestly never quite believed her original explanation which was that "a dingo ate my body fat.”  Monday Night, July 30 Leno Here’s some good political gossip. It seems the little tiff between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton has really heated up since their argument at the last Democratic debate. They have become distant, barely speaking to each other, and now when they do, it’s really icy. Or as Hillary calls it, marriage. Barry Bonds might break the home run record here in Los Angeles this week at Dodger Stadium. People will be sitting on pins and needles. Especially Barry. Here in L.A., people boo Barry. You know why? Because we here in L.A., we don’t like any kind of performance enhancement . . . nothing phony in L.A . . . we don’t like it. We won’t stand for anything phony in this town. It’s official — Brittney Spears and Kevin Federline finalized their divorce today. It’s the end of Camelot. K-Fed is now Fed-ex. Letterman Over the weekend, the Iraqi soccer team won the Asian Cup. Bud Selig was in the stands. Iraq now has a championship team, so we can go home, right? Happy birthday to the governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sixty years old today. And to celebrate, natives on Skull Island tossed him a blonde. How about the astronauts flying drunk? Here’s a sign your astronaut is flying drunk: Before liftoff, he runs a systems check on the blender. Conan The new prime minister of Great Britain, Gordon Brown met with President Bush over the weekend and he praised Bush’s leadership. Afterwards, even Bush said, "That guy’s hilarious.” Earlier today, Iraq’s parliament adjourned for the entire month of August. Experts predict there will be a lack of progress in Iraq for the month of August, the likes of which haven’t been seen since June or July. Several astronauts are denying accusations that they flew on the space shuttle while they were drunk. However, experts say the first step to recovery is admitting, "Houston, I have a problem.” Britney Spears is in trouble. Britney Spears may have violated California law because she took her kids out of the state without written permission from Kevin Federline. Britney explained, "Sorry, I didn’t have time for Kevin to learn how to write.” Ferguson Arnold Schwarzenegger turned 60 today. There’s another celebrity birthday today. Hillary Swank is 33 today. Isn’t it weird? Hillary Swank and Arnold Schwarzenegger have the same birthday? They couldn’t be more different. One is a he-man with rippling muscles, bulges everywhere . . . and the other one’s the governor of California. I had a good weekend. I went to Toronto. They have the "Just for Laughs” festival. Peter Ustinov used to say that Toronto was like New York run by the Swiss. Which I think is unfair. Unfair to Toronto because the Swiss are bastards. With their cheese, and their coockoo clocks, and their Swiss Army knives . . . . no wonder they’re neutral. Who are you going to scare with that little knife? I went to this great hotel, the Germain Hotel. It was mobbed with people for the festival. So I signed under a name that no one would recognize: Craig Ferguson. -----------------  Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!" ---------------  What time does the library open? The voice on the phone asked. “Nine A.M.” came the reply. "And what is the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask such a question?" Asked the librarian “Not until nine A.M.?” the man asked in a disappointed voice. “No, not till nine A.M..!” the librarian said, “Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?” “Who said I wanted to get in? The man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.” -----------------  Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking. “I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.” “Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank. “You said it, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…” ------------------- .jpg) Exercise Routine If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some. Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program! SCROLL DOWN............ .............NOW SCROLL UP.. That's enough for the first day. Great job. Now go have a glass of wine. ---------------  LORD, THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER ... She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. She finally died after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs." ----------------  A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine." -----------------  Officer at the shooting range: "Get ready, aim, fire at will." Soldier: "Which one is Will?" -----------------  A chicken farmer went to a local bar... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs." "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different cock," he replied. The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence" --------------  Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway offramp each holding a sign. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day. Carlos asks Jose, "How he you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?" Jose says, "Look at your sign, it says I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support. Now look at mine." Carlos looks at Jose's sign. Jose's sign says, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico" --------------  Suthen-ism's Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them. Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess." Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder." Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly." Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table. All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well. Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin! Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20. Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb. Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody! Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage. In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural. Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them. Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food. When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner! Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk. And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" ... and go your own way. To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart! And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language! And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could." Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah ! ----------------  Boudreaux in London Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary in London, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner. Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Boudreaux from Louisiana, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "He thought he was having his picture taken." ----------------  "ZEN SARCASM" It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the best time to do it. -----------------  "Birthday Remembrance" This week we celebrate a special birthday... Monica Lewinsky turned 31. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast don't they? ----------------  THE EXCUSE "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, sir," the new recruit replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on, "because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you." ----------------  MAN'S BEST FRIEND A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. It does, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!" -----------------  KID QUOTES A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom." Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom, I KNOW they're my feet.” On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?" A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal." A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?" -------------  PROVERBS FOR THE MILLENNIUM 1. Home is where you hang your @. 2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories. 8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice. 9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. Don't byte off more than you can view. 14. Fax is stranger than fiction. 15. What boots up must come down. 16. Windows will never cease. 17. Virtual reality is its own reward. 18. Modulation in all things. 19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. 20. There's no place like your homepage. -----------------------  BILL GATES GOES TO HEAVEN Bill Gates suddenly dies, and finds himself face to face with God... God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95, among other indiscretions.... I believe I'll do something I've never done before, I'll let YOU decide where you want to go." Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?" Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell. When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven." Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high bove the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gateswas sent to Hell for eternity. Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how the was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons. "So, how is everything going?" God asked Bill. Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women? "That was the demo," replied God. ------------------  SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE MISSING LEMON One day Sherlock Holmes and Watson sat down to enjoy their favourite lunch of fish and chips. Just as they were about to tuck in, Holmes suddenly stood up and shouted. "Watson stand up!" Confused, Watson stood up. "Watson! Drop your trousers!" he barked. Worried, Watson loosened his belt and dropped his trousers. "Watson! Bend over!" Holmes ordered. Watson bent over. Holmes then plucked the wedge of lemon from Watson's plate and shoved it straight up Watson's arse. Watson screamed "In God's name Holmes what on earth are you doing?" To which Holmes calmly replied "A lemon-entry my dear Watson ... a lemon-entry ..." -----------------  Q. & A. Q.) What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office? A.) They're hiring. Q.) What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? A.) "Dam." Q.) How do crazy people go through the forest? A.) They take the psycho path. Q.) What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long? A.) Polaroids. Q.) What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? A.) National Dyslexia Association. Q.) What do you call cheese that isn't yours? A.) Nacho Cheese. Q.) What do you call Santa's helpers? A.) Subordinate Clauses. Q.) What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? A.) Quattro sinko. Q.) What do you get from a pampered cow? A.) Spoiled milk. Q.) What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A.) Frostbite. Q.) What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A.) A nervous wreck. Q.) What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A.) Anyone can roast beef. Q.) Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? A.) They all have phones. Q.) What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? A.) Sanka. Q.) Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A.) Because they have big fingers. Q.) What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A.) A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off. Q.) What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A.) A stick Q.) What do you call a dinosaur that's been dead for a week? A.) A Stinkasaurus Q.) What do you call a dinosaur that's been dead for 10,000 years? A.) Motor oil ------------------------ The Image Gallery
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