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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 27th of July, 2007
Fun Links:
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Enjoy the Jokes!
Warning: this Joke
Collection occasionally contains strong language (which may
be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable
for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for
liberal-arts majors).
Ed
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 A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will” "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer. ----------------  Pilot: Have you ever flown in a small plane before? Passenger: No, I have not. Pilot: Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping. Pilot (after the plane landed): Did the gum help? Passenger: Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can’t get the gum out of my ears. -------------------  Three medical students were discussing what specialties they were planning to go into when they finished school. One said, "I want to be a brain surgeon. That's the frontier, the cutting edge of medicine, where so many discoveries are being made." The second said, "I want to be a heart surgeon. There are so many people who need that kind of help; look at all the good I could do." The third said he wanted to be a dermatologist. When the others had finished laughing, they asked him why on earth he wanted to be a skin doctor. "Listen," he replied. "Your patients never die, they never get well, and they never get you up at night." -------------  Drinking with a redneck girl A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice." The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either." The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her . 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice." -----------------  A man was sent to prison for 20 years. He was so bored while in there; he found an ant and decided to teach it tricks - like beg, play dead, roll over, jump hair etc. He served his time and was released. He took his ant with him in a matchbox. The first place he went was to a bar. He sat down, took out the matchbox and emptied out the ant. He then said to the guy beside him, "you are not gonna believe what this ant can do". He showed him all the tricks and the guy was impressed. He told him that he could make a fortune with the ant. The guy with the ant was excited and called the bartender over and said "you see that ant?" The bartender put his finger on the ant, twisted it and said "sorry sir it won't happen again." -------------------  “I don’t want a car,” said the farmer to the persistent salesman. “I need a new cow.” “But you can’t ride a cow along the streets.” “True. But I can’t milk a new car, can I?” -------------------  A guy to a friend: “After three sets golf clubs and ten years of lessons, I am finally getting some fun out of golf... ... I quit.” -------------------  TOO MUCH CAFFEINE? You know you're addicted to coffee when .. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. You don't sweat, you percolate. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. Instant coffee takes too long. You channel surf faster without a remote. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You help your dog chase its tail. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You answer the door before people knock. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. ----------------------  LETTERS TO THE HOUSING AUTHORITY These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing Associations throughout the UK: 1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off. 5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant? 7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy. 8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. 9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me. 12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. 14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night. 15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. 16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction. 17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it. 18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more. ------------------  RIDDLE Q: What screams, screeches and lives off of dead Beatles? A: Yoko Ono -----------------  SO BLONDE She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. she thought a quarterback was a refund. she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. she thought General Motors was in the army. she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics." she tripped over a cordless phone. she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate." she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY." at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she wrote "Sagittarius." she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. she studied for a blood test. she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." she sold the car for gas money! when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she turned around and went home. when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front." ACHIEVING 103% ----------------  We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. Here's how to achieving 103%. Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future! What makes life 100%??? IF, A=1, B=2, C=3, etc... A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then, H A R D W O R K 8 + 1 + 18 + 4 + 23 + 15 + 18 + 11 = 98 % Only K N O W L E D G E 11 + 14 + 15 + 23 + 12 + 5 + 4 + 7 + 5 = 96 % Only But, A T T I T U D E 1 + 20 + 20 + 9 + 20 + 21 + 4 + 5 = 100 % However, B U L L * S H I T 2 + 21 + 12 + 12 + 19 + 8 + 9 + 20 = 103% -----------------  THE PRESENT After spending three and a half hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection -- a baseball bat -- to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash," I snapped. Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I just spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau." "Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?" -----------------  INDIAN BOY This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?" -----------------  BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU PRAY FOR A man was complaining: Oh Lord, please have mercy on me, I work so hard, meantime my wife stays at home. I would give anything if you would grant me one wish, "switch me into my wife." She's got it easy at home. I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is. As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish. Next morning the "new woman" wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, puts a load of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of the freezer, drives the kids to school, on his way back stops at the gas station, cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up some clothes from the cleaners, and then quickly goes to the market. It was 1:00 o'clock already, he made the beds, took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in. He vacuumed the house, made some rice, went to pick up the kids from school, and had an argument with the kids. As soon as he got home he fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes, he hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside, he helped the kids with their homework, watched some TV while he ironed some clothes, prepared dinner, he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep. At 9:00 o'clock he was so tired and he went to bed. Of course there was some more duties, like the mattress mambo, and somehow he managed to get that done and finally fell a sleep. The next morning he prays to God once again: "Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish?" I can't take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself, please oh please." Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying: "Dear son, of course I'll switch you back to yourself but there's one minor detail, you will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant. ---------------  THE EMPLOYEE The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post. "Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner angrily. "Three hundred bucks," replied the young man. Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and said, "Here's a week's pay -- now get out and don't come back!" Turning to one of the supervisors, he said, "How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?" "He's not an employee," said the supervisor. "He was just here to deliver a pizza!" ----------------  ALLIGATOR SHOES A young woman was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the woman shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "Be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the woman turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, When he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 12-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the woman flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" --------------- .jpg) ODD JOBS A neighborhood kid was looking for ways to earn money. He knocked on the door of one house, and when the man answered the boy asked, "Hey mister, got any odd jobs I can do?" The man indeed had a job for the boy to do. He handed the boy a can of red paint and a brush. "Paint my porch." The boy was eager to do a good job and the man went back inside. A couple hours later, the boy knocked on the door again. "Okay, mister, I'm done painting. But I gotta tell ya, that's not a Porsche, it's a Lamborghini." ---------------  ON THE STAND Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win." -------------------  POLISH SAUSAGE A blonde goes into the store and says to the clerk, "I would like some Polish Sausage." The clerk looks at her and says, "Are you Polish?" The girl says, "Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian??? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German?? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?" The clerk says, "Well, no." The blonde says, "Well, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage????" The clerk says, "Because this is a hardware store." ---------------  NO RUSH A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer, "or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back!" "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "I said keep quiet! Now you're going to jail!" A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the groom." -----------------  THE DRUNK AND THE BAPTISMAL A drunk stumbles onto a baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stagger down into the water and stands next to the minister. The minister turns , notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, sir - I am." The minister than dunks the drunk under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the minister asks. "No l haven't!" says the drunk. The minister then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and asks, "Now have you found Jesus?" "No l have not!" bellows the drunk again. Disgusted, the minister holds the drunk under for at least 30 seconds the third time, then brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God! Have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" ----------------- .jpg) LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR OLDER PERSONS: Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle. Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF! Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case! Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end. --------------------  BACKWOODS BIRTH Deep in the backwoods, a woman went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...it seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor. The father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?" ------------------  STEVEN SPIELBERG AND FRIENDS Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous. "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him." "I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him." Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach." ------------------------ The Image Gallery FLOODING IN IRELAND - MAY 2007
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