These are mounted inside the Black SUV's you see in Presidential motorcades and VIP caravans.  You need the windshield wipers going to clear the spent casings. They simultaneously fire 7.62mm bullets from six barrels at up to 4000 rounds per minute. http://navlog.org/q_car.wmv

Enjoy the Jokes!

Warning: this Joke Collection occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors).
 

Ed

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This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends.

So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.

Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"

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A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior.
"I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we
can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agrees.
"So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior,
astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee ... and this hole is a monster, Mother, a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green ... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted .. and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate!
But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this
squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister.

"And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his jaws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his jaws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said ...
"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

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A Policeman stops a speeding car and tells the woman driver; When I saw you driving down the road, I thought to myself, “sixty-five at least.”

The woman replied: I don’t think that is quite fair. I think this hat makes me look older.

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Here's how we can save America's airlines and make the stockholders happy.

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would s tart flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary!, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

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A Bulgarian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Englishman for letting me in this country, giving me housing, free medical care, free dental care and free education!"

The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Polish."

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England !"

The person says, "I not English, I am Romanian."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Great Britain!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Slovenia , I am not British!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you a British?" She says, "No, I am from Hungary !"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the British?"

The Hungarian lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

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BORED HUSBAND!

My wife and I are retired. She insists that I go with her to Wal-Mart I get bored with all the shopping so I try to keep myself busy. I prefer to get in and get out, but she loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store:
Dear Mrs. Wilson: Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Wilson are listed below.

Things Mr. Wilson has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... And watched what happened.

5. Aug. 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.

11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Im possible" theme.

12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least

15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

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Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

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Sex With A Cowboy:

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker), confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State.
1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..
3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!"

"And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes...those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"


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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.

He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organised to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said :

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!!!"

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A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win the million dollars. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.

But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.

On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

Time was up. "I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into a sweat.

After the usual foot-dragging delay Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice."

"You're welcome!" the blonde said.

"By the way," the winner said, not being able to contain the question anymore. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

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A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,

"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said,

"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women;

I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy."

The Lord replied,

"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

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YOU'RE FROM RURAL MINNESOTA IF................

+ The town you grew up in had a bar called Ma's Place.
+ You know how to polka, but never tried it sober.
+ FFA was the most popular club in high school.
+ You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means.
+ You know it's traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the ceremony and the reception.
+ You were delighted to get a miniature snow shovel for your 3rd birthday.
+ You can recognize someone from Iowa by their driving.
+ You buy Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.
+ You spent more on beer than you did on food at your wedding.
+ You hear someone use the word "oof-dah" and you don't immediately break into uncontrollable laughter.
+ You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
+ You or someone you know was a "Dairy Princess" at a county fair
+ You know that "combine" is a noun.
+ You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter.
+ You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.
+ You know that creek rhymes with pick.
+ Football schedules are checked before wedding dates are set.
+ A Friday night date is taking you girlfriend shining for deer; .Saturday you go the local bowling ally.
+ There was at least one kid in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning...phew!
+ You have driven your car on a lake.
+ You can make sense out of the word "upnort" and "batree."
+ You always believed that vacation meant "going up North."
+ At every wedding you have been to you have had to dance the hokey poky & the chicken dance.
+ Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.
+ The local gas station sells live bait.
+ At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
+ Your mom asks, "Were you born in a barn?" and you know exactly what she means.
+ You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday.
+ Pop is not only what you call your dad, but is the ONLY name for soda.
+ You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your Minnesota friends.

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Work Policies...

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

-- Management

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Cold Weather Behavior for Minnesotans...

60 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. Minnesotans plant gardens.

50 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People are sunbathing in Duluth.

40 above zero: Import cars won’t start. Minnesotans drive with the sunroof open.

32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Bemidji gets thicker.

20 above zero: New Mexicans don long johns, parkas and wool hats & mittens. Minnesotans throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn on the heat. People in Minnesota have one last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero: People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close the windows.

10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico Minnesotans dig their winter coats out of storage.

25 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. Girl Scouts in Minnesota still selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero: Washington, D.C. finally runs out of hot air. People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because the Mini-Van won’t start.

460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). People in Minnesota can be heard to say, “Cold ’nuff fer ya?”

500 below zero: Hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools open 2 hours late.

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OLE & LENA

One night a torrential rain soaked northwestern MN.

The next morning the resulting flood waters came up about six feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Johnson was sitting on her roof with her neighbor Lena, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Johnson noticed a baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house. It kept floating away from the house, then back towards the house.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena, "Do you see dat der baseball cap floatin' away from da house, den back again?"

Lena said, "Oh ya, dat's my husband Ole. I tole dat lazy bum he gonna cut da grass today, come hell or high water."

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Minnesota Quarters

You have probably already heard about this but if not, you should.

The United states Mint has announced they are recalling the new Minnesota quarters which were circulated for trial. "We are recalling all of the new Minnesota quarters that were recently issued",

Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday. "This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or other coin-operated devices. We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Shackelford.

The winning design for the Minnesota quarter was submitted by Sven Johnson and Ole Peterson of Hibbing, Minnesota. It was intended to commemorate the achievements of the Scandinavians who immigrated to Minnesota over the years.

Johnson commented, "Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

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Technology in Minnesota

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Klub", a Sunburg, Minnesota newspaper reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in corn fields near Games Lake, Ole Johnson, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Norwegians were already using wireless."

YOU BETCHA!

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A woman sadly tells her husband: We will not be together in heaven as we may die at different times my dear.

After a pause her husband replied; my dear that is why the place is known as 'Heaven'.

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Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous,simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued..... "He'd still be alive if the f#k*g ice-cream truck hadn't come along"

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The Image Gallery

bigger and better all the time...
Get a load of this ship!

It carries 15,000 containers and has a 207' beam !!!!!! And look at the crew size for a ship longer than a US aircraft carrier which has a complement of 5000 men and officers. Crew - 13 people First Trip - Sept. 08, 2006 Notice that 207' beam means it was NOT designed for the Panama or Suez canal. It is strictly transpacific. The "cruise speed" is 31 mph, which means the goods arrive four days before the typical container ship travelling at 18-20 mph on a China-to-California run. So, this behemoth is hugely competitive carrying perishable goods. This ship was built in three, perhaps as many as five sections. The sections were floated together and then welded. The ship is named Emma Maersk. The command bridge is higher than a 10 story building. It has 11 rigs that can operate simultaneously. Additional info: Country of origin - Denmark. Length - 1,302 ft Width - 207 ft Net cargo - 123,200 tons Engines - 14 in-line cylinders diesel engine (110,000 BHP) Cruise Speed - 31 mph Construction cost - US $145,000,000.00 Silicone paint applied to the ship bottom reduces water resistance and saves 317,000 gallons of diesel per year.

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