Enjoy the Jokes!

Warning: this Joke Collection occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors).
 

Ed

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Hitting Below the Belt
By Kendall Hill
Newsweek

July 3, 2007 - When you first read the slogan, SPEEDING: NO ONE THINKS BIG OF YOU, you might think it was a reminder that people think poorly of those who break the law. Think again. This new road-safety campaign, launched in Australia last week, is aimed a bit more below the belt—by suggesting those men who speed have small penises. In the television and cinema advertisements, young "hoons"—Aussie-speak for speeding or reckless drivers—are mocked by unimpressed women who wave their little fingers at the drivers in a parody of their manhood.

The wagging finger is a commonly used insult in Australia, often leveled at drivers of monster SUVs or expensive sports cars to suggest their vehicles are compensating for a deficiency elsewhere. Still, bruising male egos is not often used as a way of preventing road accidents. But in the land Down Under, authorities have decided the most effective way to change men is to challenge their masculinity. Instead of employing the traditional shock tactics that bombard viewers with gruesome images of dead and maimed, authorities are using shame as their latest weapon in the battle against road deaths. The campaign was produced by the Road Transport Authority (RTA) of New South Wales, Australia’s most populous state, where death and injury rates from speeding are highest among young men. "More and more young people are not responding to the shock-horror kind of advertising," said RTA Director John Whelan. "We are doing something different to get the message through. What we are saying with these ads is that speeding doesn’t impress anybody."

While Whelan conceded the campaign message might prove offensive to some viewers, "what’s more offensive is the number of people being killed on our roads from speeding." The RTA estimates 1,000 people will die in New South Wales from speeding-related injuries in the next five years. Last year, some 500 people died on the state’s roads. While this was the lowest annual toll since World War II, 40 percent of those fatalities were speeding-related, and 94 deaths involved young, probationary drivers. "That’s a tragically disproportionate representation," Whelan said.

Between 2002 and 2006, more than a third of those killed in speeding-related crashes were aged 17-25, and 85 percent of those killed were men. A further 4,000 people were injured in speeding-related accidents.

The pinkie-wagging campaign theme is the result of a six-month research process involving a test audience of drivers aged 17-50, a third of whom had recent speeding convictions. Researchers discovered that young drivers had become inured to the horrific images often used in road-safety education campaigns. The test group’s response to the new ads was "overwhelmingly positive," says Whelan, and the pinkie campaign was the only one that resonated with the majority of those surveyed.

As one young male driver commented: "This [ad] is something that is relevant to our situation … we respond to emotion in that particular way … we don’t respond to fear tactics."

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The power of religion

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "it's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church in Sweetwater and I had to quit drinking...

...Hasn't affected my brothers though."

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Trade wisdom

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car. After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said,

"It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband!"

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade".

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The Evils of Alcohol

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink.

Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup, the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly ticked off at having to listen to this, the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two, that doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed!"

"Look there you go again," said the man. "How can you make such a sweeping statement? Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ..."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh, I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this!"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please?"

The bartender sighed and asked, "Is that nun out there again?

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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

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A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."

The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

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An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a priest in a small parish."

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It was the first day of school after summer vacation.

The kids had all arrived in the high school sophomore English class, and were chatting away, making new friends. Then, in walked a very stern looking English teacher and a hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats.

The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids. After about a minute or so, he spoke, "From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom. You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers, tests, or homework. Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter.

The first one is "gross" And the other one is "cool". Are there any questions?"

After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand, and the teacher calls upon him. In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks...

"So, what are they?"

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Two men out fishing for carp.

One fellow stands up and as he does, his wallet falls out of his pocket and slowly sinks in the lake.

As he tries to retrieve it, two huge carp show up and start fighting over possession of the wallet.

The fellow turns to his comrade and states "First time I've seen carp to carp walleting!"

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The Tight Skirt

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

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"Doctor,I have a son who thinks he's a chicken," said the man.

"Why don't you bring him in for treatment?" asked the doctor.

"We need the eggs," replied the man.

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A man walks into a barber shop and asks; “how much for a hair cut?”

The barber said $12.50.

The man asks; “and how much for a shave?”

The barber said $1.50.

The man then says SHAVE IT ALL.

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A student burst into his professor’s office and says; "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."

To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

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You might not have known this,??but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.?
Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

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I rear ended a car a few days ago.......

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He was pissed!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT happy!'

I said, 'So which one are you?'

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FAST THINKING

A man walks into a store and tells the clerk that he would like to buy half a watermelon. The clerk asks, "You'd like to buy half a watermelon?" When the gentleman confirms this, the clerk tells him that she'll have to check with the manager.

The clerk approaches the manager and says, "There's some jerk up front who wants to buy half a watermelon," without realizing that the gentleman had followed her to the back of the store. As she turns and sees the man, she says to the manager, "And this nice gentleman would like to buy the other half!"

The next day, the manager tells the clerk that he was impressed with the way she handled the situation and that he would like to make her the manager of one of his stores in Gainesville, Florida.

The clerk says, "Gainesville! No one lives there except football players and prostitutes!"

The manager replies, "Young lady, I'll have you know that my mother lives in Gainesville."

So the clerk says, "Oh, really? What position does she play?"

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THE KINDERGARTENER

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The little girl replied,

"I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the little girl replied, . . . . "They will in a minute."

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VACATION LOCATION

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch at a fast-food joint.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked an employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said,

"Burrrrrrrrgerrrrrrr Kiiiiing."

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MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY

ARTERY: The study of fine paintings
BARIUM: Patient disposition
CESAREAN SECTION: A district in Rome
COLIC: A sheep dog
COMA: A punctuation mark
DILATE: To live a long time
FESTER: Quicker
G.I. SERIES: Baseball game between soldiers
HANGNAIL: A coat hook
MEDICAL STAFF: A doctor's cane
MINOR OPERATION: Coal digging
MORBID: A higher offer
NITRATE: Less than the day rate
NODE: Was aware of
ORGANIC: Musical
OUTPATIENT: A person who has fainted
POST OPERATIVE: A letter carrier
PROTEIN: In favor of young people
SECRETION: Hiding anything
SEROLOGY: Study of English knighthood
TABLET: A small table
TUMOR: An extra pair
URINE: Opposite of you're out
VARICOSE VEINS: Veins that are very close together

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THE MESSAGE

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated. "What are the guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon.

The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused.

So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.

Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys -- they've come to steal your land."

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STUFF TO THINK ABOUT

- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

- How can there be self-help "groups"?

- If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

- Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

- Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

- When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

- When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

- When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're sitting there, staring at carpeting?

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

- Why do they report power outages on TV?

- I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

- I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

- Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

- What a nice night for an evening.

- Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? THE PIRATE

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An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off."

"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"

"Ahhhh..," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."

"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"

"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."

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NICE TIE

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. As he sits there drinking it, he hears a voice say, "Nice tie!" He looks around and sees that he's the only person in the bar: he can't figure out who said it.

He keeps working on his beer, and after a couple of minutes he hears another voice say, "Sharp shirt!" He's really puzzled this time, because there's still nobody else in the bar.

He's about to finish his beer when he hears a third voice say, "Great haircut!" He's had enough at this point, so he calls the bartender over.

"I keep hearing voices say that I've got a nice tie and a sharp shirt and a great haircut, but there's nobody around! What's going on?"

The bartender says, "Oh, that's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

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TODAY'S STOCK MARKET REPORT

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. D
iapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca-Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

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FAST GAS

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house an older woman was looking out her kitchen window watching the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figure I'd better run too!"

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50 YEARS

Things it takes most of us 50 years to learn:

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

4. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.

5. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

7. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

8. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

11. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.

12. You should not confuse your career with your life.

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.

14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

16. Your true friends love you, anyway.

17. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

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THE ACCIDENT

Two different lawyers in two different cars are driving through the countryside, when they get into a car accident. Both cars are wrecked. Amazingly, neither lawyer is hurt. One lawyer says, "There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The first lawyer replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." He continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

He passes the bottle to the other lawyer. The second lawyer, agreeing with this generous sentiment takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the first lawyer.

He takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the second lawyer, who asks, "Aren't you having any?" The first lawyer replies, "No ...I think I'll wait for the police to join us."

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FISH BAIT

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

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The Image Gallery

We all know that Moms love to dress up their kids.
But when Dad is a graphic designer, anything is possible..  
It all started out with the innocent baby picture below...

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