----------------Jerry was the
kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and
always had something positive to say. When someone asked him how he
was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had
followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the
waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural
motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there
telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the
situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to
Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person
all of the time. How do you do it?"
Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you
have two choices today. 'You can choose to be in a good mood or you
can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each
time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can
choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time
someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their
complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose
the positive side of life."
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut
away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you
react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood.
You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's
your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon
thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business.
We lost touch, but often thought about him when I made a choice
about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never
supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open
one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers.
While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness,
slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him.
Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local
trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive
care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the
bullets still in his body.
I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him
how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna
see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what
had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first
thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the
back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I
remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I
could choose to die. I chose to live.
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.
Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I
was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency
room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and
nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead
man. " I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said
Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied.
The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply.
I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I
told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive,
not dead.'"
Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of
his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the
choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.
--------------------
Happy Summer!
BBQ Season
After many long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up
to spring and BBQ season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your
memory on the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it's the
only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is
an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events
is put into motion:
Routine:
1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes a salad, prepares vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray
along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it
to the man who is lounging beside the grill - drink in hand.
Here comes the important part:
4. THE.....MAN.....PLACES.....THE.....MEAT.....ON.....THE.....GRILL
.
More routine:
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals
with the situation.
Important again:
7.
THE.....MAN.....TAKES.....THE.....MEAT.....OFF.....THE....GRILL.....AND....
HANDS.....IT.....TO.....THE.....WOMAN.
More routine:
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10. Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
some women!
Happy BBQ Season everyone!
-------------
Business Quotes
The first rule of any technology used in a business is that
automation applied to an efficient operation will magnify the
efficiency. The second is that automation applied to an inefficient
operation will magnify the inefficiency. ~Bill Gates
Perpetual devotion to what a man calls his business is only to be
sustained by perpetual neglect of many other things. ~Robert Louis
Stevenson, Virginibus Puerisque, 1881
In college, yuppies major in business administration. If to meet
certain requirements they have to take a liberal arts course, they
take Business Poetry. ~Dave Barry
A consultant is a man sent in after the battle to bayonet the
wounded. ~Author Unknown
Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. ~Author
Unknown
-----------------
The Boss
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie
comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant
three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me
first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving
a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to
be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an
endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's
gone.
“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,
“I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.
---------------
Work or Retirement – What a Choice!
Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Q. How many retirees to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.
Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.
Q. Why don't retirees mind being called “seniors”?
A. The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Q. Among retirees what is considered casual attire?
A. Tied shoes.
Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.
Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses
to retire?
A. NUTS!
Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or
garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will
want to store stuff there.
Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal
Q. What is the difference between a worker retiring and a student
going on summer vacation?
A. None, summer ends but so does the other time frame, eventually.
Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never ending Coffee Break.
Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a
retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the
people he used to work with?
A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
------------------
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar
who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the
house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for
years!"
--------------------
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer —
you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty
soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in
hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while,
they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the
engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling
what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he
should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where
are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
--------------------
REDNECK CHALLENGE
We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the
South, and we challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this
exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that
will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on
blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20
gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are
required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The
density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per
acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14
inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut
down?
5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with
a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is
16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch
collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with
an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his
grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have
enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
7 A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep
slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average
traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that
it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will
it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a
country-western singer?
I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya?
It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya...
There's a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don't
prepare ya for in this life.
As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE", here's some
southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece...
Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop
and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home
with them.
----------------
Jesse
One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies. He
immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list,
but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door
to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in,
and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and
surfaced with nothing...Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I
don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All
he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time..
"No, this is no good, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I
would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all
day," commented Jesse.
The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied
over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent
over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...
"OK, Monica, you're free to go.",
-----------
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”
------------
No Joke!
A car company can move it's factories to Mexico and claim it's a
free market.
A toy company can out source to a Chinese subcontractor and claim
it's a free market.
A shoe company can produce its shoes in south east Asia and claim
it's a free market.
A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes and claim
it's a free market.
We can buy HP Printers made in Mexico . We can buy shirts made in
Bangladesh. We can purchase almost anything we want from 20
different countries.
BUT, heaven help the senior citizens who dare to buy their
prescription drugs from Canadian or Mexican pharmacy. That's called
un-American! And you think the pharmaceutical companies don't have a
powerful lobby? Think again!
------------------
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local
town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned
over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any
more. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that
stupid flower show!"
You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes
and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through
the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the
hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling
and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a
cheering crowd
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."
------------------
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters,
whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went
into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his
time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his
roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a
distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was
old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't
rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The
pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak,
so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk
on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County
Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece
Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the
populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
-----------------
Our Health Care System
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same
complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip
replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same
day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an
appointment, then waits eight weeks to see a specialist, then gets
an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week, and finally has his
surgery scheduled for six weeks from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever.
The second is a Senior Citizen.
-----------------
A man visiting a doctor says; Doctor I just dropped in to tell you
how much I benefited from your treatment.
The doctor replied; but you are not one of my patients.
The man said: I know. But my uncle Bill was, and I am his heir.
-------------------
Students at a local school were assigned to read two books,
"Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the
proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton:..... cost - $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:.... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:.... Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.
----------------
A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel.
When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next
to her for a good number. “Why don’t you play your age?” he
suggested.
The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table.
The next thing the guy with the advice knew, the woman had fainted
and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over. “Did she win?” he
asked.
“No” replied the attendant. “She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came
in.”
-----------------
Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture on a
cold winter.
A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the
rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and
wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the
other side.
"Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to pull
the wool over our ice."
------------------
I love this one and will repeat it everytime someone sends it to
me...
There is a book called Disorder in the Court.
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of
staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: By whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere
----------------------------------------------
The
Fanciest Deer Stand You'll Ever See!
Finally, a way to take a word off of George Carlin's List of Words
You Can't Say on TV.
Are the residents called Fuckers?
What are the mothers called? What would you be learning at the
Fucking High School?
Does the Fucking Hospital help you with anything else?
If your friend came from another town, he wouldn't be your Fucking
friend.
-----------------------
One hell of a battery -- WiFi means Skype and free Internet Access
---------------------
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