Enjoy your coffee!

Just One More Dogs Great Escapes Video -- Amazing!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=lzeg4Rr4LQ4

 

Enjoy the Jokes!

Warning: this Joke Collection occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors).
 

Ed

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A Memorial Day Thought...

Remember this the next time you fly through Chicago

World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Butch O'Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to an aircraft carrier in
the South Pacific. One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and
realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank. He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get
back to his ship. His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly he dropped out of formation and headed
back to the fleet.

As he was returning to the mother ship, he saw something that turned his blood cold: A squadron of Japanese Zeroes were
speeding their way toward the American fleet. The American fighters were gone on a sortie and the fleet was all but
defenseless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor, could he warn the fleet of
the approaching danger.

There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet. Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he
dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 alibi's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy
plane and then another. Butch weaved in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until
finally all his ammunition was spent.

Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the Zeroes, trying to at least clip off a wing or tail, in hopes of damaging
as many enemy planes as possible and rendering them unfit to fly. He was desperate to do anything he could to keep them from
reaching the American ships. Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction.

Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier. Upon arrival he reported in and related
the event surrounding his return. The film from the camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of
Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet.

He was recognized as a hero and given one of the nation's highest military honors. And today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is
named in tribute to the courage of this great man.

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The Memorial Day Weekend Dream

Since I did not work the first three days this week (I don't work) and there is an impending three day weekend and since I am sick of recycling joke material I am going to share a dream I had this week...

I am not big on sharing my dreams but this is strange. This week I had a dream about a new liability. I am not making this up.

I was on the top floor of a building in San Francisco somewhere down near the Bay Bridge. A bunch of people and myself were
there watching an enormous fire on the roof of a building that was about a half block away. We were not concerned about our
safety but just sort of enjoying the disaster like any healthy American spectators. The fire was intense. It was as if a
large gas line was aflame and sending a 50 foot tongue of fire out. I was so intent on watching the fire that it was only
several minutes into this that I thought, "Hey, maybe I should call the fire department."

So I dialed 911 and receive a sharp blow to the stomach as I am connected to a call center in India where a gentleman with a thick Indian accent answers saying, "San Francisco 911. What is your emergency." I was temporarialy speechless but began to explain to him what was happening. He kept repeating that he could not understand me. At least I think that was what he was saying.

I was so frustrated that eventually I did the only sane thing and woke up. One interesting addendum.

I though this was so funny that I told my wife a half hour later and she said, "That was about the time that there were a lot of fire engines blaring in the neighborhood." That is something else I always find interesting - the way the mind works to incorporate
ambient sounds into dream content so as to stay asleep.

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A New Twist on an Old Tale...

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the
husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A
less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the
can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in
a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

(This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)

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Men Vs. Women Joke

A man found a magic genie who would grant him one wish.

The man said to the genie,” I wish that I had a non-stop bridge from here to Hawaii."

The genie said,” I’m sorry, but that's going to be very hard. Do you have another wish?"

The man answered, "Of course! I want the power to understand all women."

The genie thought for a minute. He replied, "How many platforms did you want on that bridge?"

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Teachers Joke

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:

"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught
breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a
fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

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Another worthwhile repeat...

Baby Joke

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new
machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father."

So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain
switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more"

So the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing"
But the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared".

And the husband replied "I am ready ."

So the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free
labor.

When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the front porch!

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Genie Joke

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"

The man replied "a burger and a coke."

"And you?"

"I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay.

"That will be $4.50,"

The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.

"The usual?" she asked.

"No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."

"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay.

"That will be $10.95"

The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.

The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"

"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared."

Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"

"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket."

"Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?"

"Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."

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Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.

He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chambers Nick found Horatio waiting, demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh told Horatio to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

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Fault - Read and Consider This...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

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Why we like the British


1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr.ArthurPurdey about a large domestic gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdeyhas been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph).

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The ManchesterEvening News).

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian).

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times).

5) At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (AberdeenEvening Express)

6) Mrs. IreneGrahamof Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'HeilHitler.'"
(BournemouthEvening Echo)

A list of actual announcements that LondonTube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratfordand East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now traveling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Streetis closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

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