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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 18th of May, 2007
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Enjoy the Jokes!
Warning: this Joke
Collection occasionally contains strong language (which may
be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable
for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for
liberal-arts majors).
Ed
----------------
 Late Night Jokes May 14, 2007 "In a new video promoting Hillary Clinton's campaign, former President Clinton says, 'Of all the candidates, Hillary has the best combination of mind and heart.' Then he said, 'Unfortunately, those are the only two parts of the female body that don't turn me on.'" --Conan O'Brien "This weekend in Virginia, President Bush attended some big event. He got up at one point on the spur of the moment and conducted a 400-piece orchestra. ... Apparently, it was the first time a 400-piece orchestra has ever played 'The Wheels on the Bus.'" --Conan O'Brien "Last night on '60 Minutes,' Mike Wallace asked presidential candidate Mitt Romney if he and his wife had ever had premarital sex. What? When did Mike Wallace go from being respected senior investigative reporter to dirty old man?" --Jay Leno "Speaking about his Mormon religion, [Romney] said he can't imagine anything worse than polygamy. He said he can't imagine anything worse than having more than one wife. Then Bill Clinton gave the rebuttal" --Jay Leno "President Bush introduced plans to cut the nation's addiction to oil. Dick Cheney, who's been on a trip to the Middle East, said, 'I can't leave that guy for two minutes. He does something stupid like this.'" --Jay Leno "New York City is hosting a four-day global warming summit. But today was such a nice day, they canceled it." --David Letterman "Former President Bill Clinton was a speaker at the global warming summit. He says that he has been very, very concerned about global warming. As a matter of fact, earlier this week, another chunk of ice fell off his wife" --David Letterman "Last week, Tony Blair announced that he will step down as U.K. prime minister in June. Seems arbitrary, but that's the British parliamentary system for you. I guess instead of term limits, you just retire whenever Merlin tells you to." --Stephen Colbert "A group that researches ancestry announced that President Bush is a descendant of Pocahontas. Native Americans were furious. They said, 'Great. First you take our land and now you blame us for President Bush.'" --Conan O'Brien "The government in Iran has now forbidden men to trim their eyebrows or use hair gel. Iran's spokesperson said, 'It's not a religious issue. We just don't want our men to look like Ryan Seacrest.'" --Conan O'Brien "Listen to what Mr. Romney
said on '60 Minutes' about his church's history [on screen: Romney
saying that he 'cannot imagine anything more awful than polygamy'].
Really? You can't think of anything more awful than multiple wives?
What if one of those wives was a minotaur? What if it was gay
polygamy, and they're all dudes? Or what if they were gay minotaurs?
Mr. Romney, presidents can't have a failure of imagination. ...
Point is you should not apologize for your religion. You don't see
me apologizing for what Catholics did in the past -- the Crusades,
the Inquisition, guitar mass" --Stephen Colbert May 11-12, 2007 "Tony Blair, prime minister of England, is stepping down. He said he wanted to spend more time humping Bush's leg. ... He said he hopes people remember him as the people's poodle." --Bill Maher "They didn't have the heart to tell Bush. They didn't say Blair was gone. They just said he went to live on a farm." --Bill Maher "Apparently, we may have foiled a terrorist attack right here in America. Six bozos were going to attack the army base at Fort Dix, New Jersey. But Bush outsmarted them ... because, as we all know, every single American soldier is safely in Iraq." --Bill Maher "You know who went to Iraq this week? Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney made a surprise visit -- like there's any other kind you can make there. No agenda. He just went on a not listening tour." --Bill Maher "There's a DC madam. She's got a little black book. Apparently, Dick Cheney's undisclosed location may have been in her little black book. The vice president's office has vigorously denied that he had ever had anything to do with giving a human being pleasure" --Bill Maher "Hamas has started a new children's show, which features Farfur, a Mickey Mouse knock-off who teaches Islamic radicalism and hatred toward America and Israel. Farfur replaces the network's previous children's show, Dora the Exploder." --Seth Meyers "During last week's Republican debate, three of the ten candidates said they did not believe in evolution, including Kansas Senator Sam Brownback, who added that he would defend his conviction from one edge of the Earth to the other." --Seth Myers "Mormon presidential candidate Mitt Romney told '60 Minutes' this week that he can't imagine anything more awful than polygamy ... except having only one wife." --Seth Myers "A 75-year-old retired nurse has become the first black woman to reach the North Pole, in what has to be the worst Katrina relocation story yet" --Seth Myers "On Monday, President Bush held his first-ever white tie dinner in honor of Queen Elizabeth, opting to save the even more formal platinum tie dinner for when Spiderman visits." --Amy Poehler "While visiting troops in Iraq on Thursday, Vice President Dick Cheney told them that he knows they are suffering hardships from extended deployments, but the longer stays are vital to the mission. Then, still pointing his side arm, he slowly backed into his plane and left." --Amy Poehler "Last week, Oprah Winfrey endorsed Barack Obama for president. Said Obama, 'That's great, but I was kinda hoping for a car'" --Amy Poehler "When told that Prime Minister Tony Blair was stepping down as Britain's leader, a confused President Bush said, 'Hey, wait a minute. If he's the leader of England, who was that old lady with the crown who was just here?'" --Jay Leno "The president said today he would go along with Congress' request to establish benchmarks regarding Iraq. For example, the Iraqi government would have to show results by certain dates before they are given any more money. Forget Iraq. Why don't we try that here?" --Jay Leno "It's like our darkest nightmare. Paris Hilton is going to prison. But, on the other hand, President Bush says it's proof that we're winning the war against celebutants" --David Letterman "British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced that he will step down next month. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'That's a shame. He's the only world leader who took the time to learn English.'" --Conan O'Brien "In a recent interview, Senator John McCain says the last music he bought was the Beach Boys, while Mitt Romney says the last music he bought was Roy Orbison. Apparently, McCain and Romney are both running for president in 1964"--Conan O'Brien "According to a new State
Department report, the number of terrorist attacks in Iraq jumped
91% from 2005 to 2006, many of the attacks planned and executed by
al-Qaeda, and several of those attacks using deadly chlorine gas.
That's right people: Iraq and al-Qaeda, working together with
weapons of mass destruction... finally Iraq has become the country
we thought it was when we invaded." --Jon Stewart May 10, 2007 "Prime Minister Tony Blair of England just announced that he will step down next month, which means that President Bush is going to lose his closest foreign ally. Bush was sad, and said, 'Now, the only foreign leader I can trust is Arnold Schwarzenegger.'" --Conan O'Brien "This week, a group of Republican congressmen asked President Bush what his 'Plan B' is if the current Iraq plan doesn't work. The 'Plan B' discussion was difficult for Bush, because it involves two areas where he's extremely vulnerable -- Iraq and the alphabet." --Conan O'Brien "Republican presidential candidate Duncan Hunter revealed that he drives a Chevy Suburban with 274,000 miles on it. Despite all those miles, the Suburban still has a much better chance of making it to the '08 election than Duncan Hunter." --Conan O'Brien "An employee at Circuit City busted up a terrorist ring. Well, no wonder I can never get a salesman to help me pick out an answering machine. They're out chasing al Qaeda guys. ... This guy's pretty good. Not only did he bust up the terror ring, he also sold them a bunch of crap they didn't need" --David Letterman "Paris Hilton sentenced to 45 days in jail. She actually sent a petition to Governor Schwarzenegger asking him to pardon her. Isn't that amazing? She knew who the governor was." --Jay Leno "20% of teenagers say they would like to grow up and be president of the United States. ... So kids, remember, if you don't study and all you do is party, it could happen for you" --Jay Leno "On both sides of the aisle, everyone agrees the Iraq situation has to change and fast. ... With all the uncertainty, it really does make you start to wonder what is victory in Iraq? [on screen: Bush saying, 'Victory in Iraq is a country that can sustain itself, govern itself and defend itself']. Really? Half the nations in the 'coalition of the willing' can't do that. Seriously, I'm looking at you, Marshall Islands." --Jon Stewart "So then we're all clear on
what constitutes success? There's no challenges there? ... [on
screen: Bush saying that victory means 'relative peace' in Iraq].
You can't have zero car bombings because a successful Iraq would
just have too many cars. I mean, some of them are just bound to
explode. ... So, that's relative peace. So, that's success, right?
[on screen: Bush saying, 'Success is not no violence.']. Success is
not no violence? Coincidentally, also the lowest selling
motivational poster ever" --Jon Stewart May 9, 2007 "President Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 28%. Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating?" --Jay Leno "President Bush made a couple of gaffes around the queen the other day. He meant to say the queen visited the White House in 1976. Instead, he said 1776. Then he made another huge gaffe when he asked how old her son-in-law Camilla was." --Jay Leno "Vice President Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq today. Great. The one place we need him firing off his gun, he doesn't bring it." --Jay Leno "The price of oil fell to $1.26 a barrel. It went down. In fact, that's why Cheney is in the Mideast ... to find out what went wrong." --Jay Leno "Barack Obama's wife, Michelle Obama, has been out campaigning for her husband. She praised her husband for having a moral compass. In fact, Hillary Clinton called her and asked, 'Where can I get one of these moral compasses for Bill?'" --Jay Leno "It's a beautiful day. Or, as Al Gore calls it, the last gasp of a dying planet." --David Letterman "Paris Hilton is going to prison. Paris Hilton's fans have contacted Governor Schwarzenegger to ask for a pardon for Paris Hilton. The reason they want the governor to pardon Paris Hilton is because she brings beauty and excitement to their lives. There's a precedent for this -- that's exactly why Ford pardoned Nixon." --David Letterman "Vice President Dick Cheney is on his tour of the Middle East. Over there, he's very popular. He's known as 'Lawrence of Arrhythmia'" --David Letterman "The 2008 presidential election is heating up. We have narrowed down the field to 18 candidates. 19, if you count Hillary's emotional baggage." --Stephen Colbert "But with months until the primaries, there's only so much dirt you can dig up on these people. We already know that Barack Obama went to a radical madrasa and that Dennis Kucinich's paternal grandfather was the Lorax." --Stephen Colbert "Earlier this week, President Bush hosted a state dinner in Queen Elizabeth's honor. Guests included Trent Lott, Elizabeth Hasselbeck from 'The View' and the winning jockey from the Kentucky Derby. Which explains why the Queen was overheard saying, 'This party bites the big one.'" --Conan O'Brien "In Iran, President Ahmadinejad is apparently so unpopular that the parliament has voted to take away his powers and shorten his term. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'That lucky bastard'" --Conan O'Brien "Most of the city of Los Angeles burned downed yesterday. There was a huge brush fire. ... Hundreds of acres burned. It started yesterday and is still going on. You would think our governor would use his freeze breath to stop this, but he sits there in Sacramento and does nothing." --Jimmy Kimmel "There were record high temperatures yesterday. I blame Al Gore. Until he invented this global warming, none of this stuff happened." --Jimmy Kimmel "Help is on the way, people -- Dick Cheney in a secret surprise visit. The vice president put on his Sunday best and arrived in Baghdad under cover of darkness. Now I know it appeared to be in the middle of the day, but Cheney, as you know, always brings his own cover of darkness. It's like Pig-Pen, but instead of dirt, followed by an intangible void." --Jon Stewart "As always, Dick Cheney was forthright and honest [on screen: Cheney saying there are still serious security problems and threats in Iraq]. Security problems? No. Bonnaroo still has some security problems. Iraq's got clusterf---ry. ... But will the Iraqi government address this security issue [on screen: Cheney saying, 'We hope they will approach these issues with all deliberate dispatch, if I can put it into those terms']. Deliberate dispatch? Yes, you could put it in those terms ... if you were talking to a group of Victorian newspapermen" --Jon Stewart "Last week, a devastating
tornado hit the Midwest. Our hearts go out to the people of Kansas.
And just as their lives were getting back to normal, Kansas was hit
by an even big disaster ... the behavior of their Governor Kathleen
Sebelius. On Monday, Governor Sebelius complained that help for
Kansas was slowed because so much of the National Guard equipment is
in Iraq. White House Press Secretary Tony Snow sympathized, saying,
'If you don't request it, you're not going to get it.' How is the
White House supposed to know a town was wiped out? They're not
meteorologists." --Stephen Colbert May 8, 2007 "The British press is angry. They're claiming that President Bush disrespected the queen because he accidentally suggested she was over 200 years old and then winked at her. ... When President Bush noticed the queen was annoyed, he said, 'Shake it off,' and slapped her ass." --Conan O'Brien "There was a big hubbub in Great Britain because President Bush winked at the queen. I'm pretty sure that was the first time the queen's ever been winked at. As you can see, she absolutely loved it [on screen: Queen Elizabeth looking stern]. In the old days, that's the look queens gave before you were beheaded." --Jimmy Kimmel "Last night at the White House, Queen Elizabeth was there and she met Barbara Bush. Queen Elizabeth and Barbara Bush. I think it was 'Old Bag Night'" --David Letterman "Great Britain's Queen Elizabeth II has been touring the new world. Yesterday, popping by the White House. ... Mr. President, it's all going very well so far. Perhaps you'd like to offer some remarks? [on screen: Bush saying, 'You helped our nation celebrate its bicentennial in 17, in 1976']. She's old. [on screen: Bush saying, 'She gave me a look that only a mother could give a child']. She did give that look. Only in this case, the mother is the Queen of England and the child is our president." --Jon Stewart "This week, former President Bill Clinton wrote the clues for the New York Times crossword puzzle. Which explains why the clue for number 9-Down is 'Synonym for pain in the ass rhyming with Millary.'" --Conan O'Brien "In a commencement speech over the weekend, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney told students they should all get married. But he said, 'Not like Giuliani. Don't go overboard'" --Jay Leno "How much are you folks paying for gas? Get ready. ... It could be $4 a gallon this summer. It's all part of President Bush's 'No Oil Company Left Behind' program." --David Letterman "As for the president, wherever he went with the queen, he proved one thing: she makes him very uncomfortable. You get the sense he's afraid if he does something wrong, she's going to take America back" --Jon Stewart "According to the latest poll numbers, Hillary Clinton is widening her lead on Barack Obama. Bad news. The only bright spot is Clinton's continuing struggle to win over anti-war Democrats who demand she say her 2002 war authorization vote was a mistake. She hasn't, and I support that. Her refusal to admit a mistake is her most presidential attribute." --Stephen Colbert "Queen Elizabeth wrapped up her tour of the United States. She's on her way back to England right now. Her visit ended as it began, with her being stripped searched at the airport." --Jimmy Kimmel "Last night, President Bush and First Lady Laura Bush hosted the Queen of England at a big state dinner. One embarrassing moment when the queen told President Bush she'd be on the throne for over 50 years, and Bush said, 'Try Metamucil.'" --Jay Leno
-----------------------
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising
agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a
particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp
boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the
benefits of having fun, told the burned out staff the
purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The
theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!
The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up! 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. 8. Viagra, like a rock! 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. 6. Viagra, Be all that you can be. 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. 3. Viagra, Home of the whopper! 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee.
This is your peepee on drugs.
---------------------
Read this question, come up with an answer and then
scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a
trick question. It is as it reads. The question
methodology will become clear at the end of the test.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be just that ! She fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him afterward. A few days later she killed her sister. Question: What is her motive in killing her sister? (Give this some thought before you answer.) Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath ! This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly - GOOD FOR YOU ! If you share this test with any of your family, friends, or acquaintances, I suggest noting if anyone you know gets the "correct" answer ! Good Luck. ---------------- Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost $399 with 4 GB of memory or $499 with 8 GB. Apple say this is a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
------------------------------- I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
----------------------
A monkey got in a bath and went "ooh! ah!
ah! ah!" (monkey noises...)
The other monkey said "Why don't you put
some cold water in?"
--------------------------
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrrr.
----------------------------
How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?
Juan.
----------------------------
Person 1: Knock knock.
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Control freak.
Person 1: Now you say "control freak who?"
----------------------------
What do you call a guy with a shovel stuck
into his head?
Doug.
What do you call a guy without a shovel
stuck into his head?
Douglas.
-----------
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The interrupting cow.
The interr--
Moo.
--------------
A bass drum and a cymbal fall out of a tree.
Ba dum dum CHING!
----------------
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
---------------
What's grey?
A melted penguin.
---------------
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
---------
What do you call a woman with one leg
longer than the other?
Eileen.
What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg longer than the other?
Irene.
-------------
A guy walked into a bar and said, "Ow!"
------------------
Why did the blonde go to church?
[Stretch arms out to sides] She heard there was a guy in there hung like this.
-------------------
Did you hear the one about the three holes
in the ground?
Well, well, well...
------------------
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was
getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
----------------
How many kids with ADHD does it take to
change a lightbulb?
LET'S RIDE BIKES!
----------------------
A boat carrying blue paint and a boat
carrying red paint collided in the middle of the ocean. What
happened to the crew?
They were marooned.
----------------------
Two peanuts are walking down the street.
One was assaulted.
---------------------------
There once were two skunks; one named 'In"
and one named 'Out."
When Out was in, In was out, and when Out
was out, In was in. One day, Out was in and In was out, and
Mother skunk said 'Out, I want you to go out and bring In in."
Out quickly went outside and almost
immediately returned with In. Mother skunk was AMAZED and gasped
"How did you DO that so quickly?"
"Easy," said Out. "In stinked."
---------------
Did you hear that Rene Descartes disappeared?
It seems he strolled into a bar and the bartender asked, "Hey,
Descartes, do you want a marguerita?"
To which he replied, "I
think not."
-----------------------
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender:
"I'll have a brandy...........................................
..............................................................
..............................................................
..............................................................
..............................................................
..............................................................
..........and coke."
The bartender asks: "What's with the big pause?"
The bear responds: "I dunno. I've always had them."
----------------------
These two blokes are lost in the Sahara desert. They're
desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to
die, they chance upon a village where market day is in full
swing.
They go to the first stall they see and ask if they can buy some
water.
"No," replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I only sell fruit. Try
the next stall."
So off they go to the next stall and again they ask for water.
"Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only sell custard."
"Custard?" one of the blokes says to the other, "What kind of
place is this?"
By now desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told,
"Sorry, but I only sell jelly."
Hearing this, one of the blokes turns to the other and says,
"This is a trifle bazaar."
---------------------
These three blokes are being treated for their stuttering by a
gorgeous female speech therapist.
She's finding it impossible to make any progress with the three
men and so she decides to try a reward system. She tells the
three that she will have sex with anyone of them who can tell
her where he was born without stuttering.
The first bloke stands up and says, "B-B-B-B-Belf-f-f-f-ast."
and sits down in disappointment.
The second bloke gets up and says, "D-D-D-Dublin." and also sits
down sadly.
The third bloke stands up and says, "London." In amazement the
therapist immediately grabs him and takes him into the next
room.
After half an hour they return with the bloke having a stupid,
satisfied grin on his face. Before restarting the session the
therapist asks if there's anything that any of the men would
like to say.
The third bloke raises his hand and says, "d-d-d-d-erry."
--------------------
A farmer goes to town to run his usual errands.
He has a pig, an anvil, a bucket and a chicken. He's thinking to
himself, "Now, how am I going to carry a pig, an anvil, a bucket
and a chicken." So he thinks about it for a bit, and decides to
carry the bucket, put the pig in the bucket, place the anvil on
top of the pig and carry the chicken under his other arm.
So his trudges into town carrying his load, when a pretty girl
admiring his physique says, "Sir, do you know the way to the
fabric store?"
The farmer smiles, and says, "Follow me down this alley, I'll be
going right past it."
The girl says, "If I follow you down this alley, you might
molest me."
The farmer says, "How could I molest you? I'm carrying a pig, an
anvil, a bucket and a chicken."
The girl quickly follows, "Well, you could put the pig down,
place the bucket over the pig, place the anvil on top of the
bucket, and I could hold the chicken."
----------------------
This bloke takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says to him, "My
dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," say the vet, "Let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. After
pausing for a while to think, the vet says, "I'm going to have
to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" exclaims the bloke.
"No," replies the vet, "Because he's heavy."
-----------------
A man buys a horse from an old man.
The old man says, "The only catch is that this horse loves
sitting on watermelons. If he sees a watermelon, he's going to
sit on it."
The man says OK. As he's riding his horse, he comes along a
stream.
The horse stops in midstream and sits down. The man beats the
horse, but the horse refuses to budge. The man pushes and shoves
the horse, but the horse refuses to move.
Finally the man drags the horse out of the river and brings him
back to the old man.
"I don't understand," the man says. "He sat down in the middle
of the river and refused to budge. You told me he likes to sit
on watermelons, so I don't understand why he was sitting in the
middle of the river."
"I forgot," the old man said, "he also likes to sit on fish."
------------------
These three Legionnaires are walking through the desert under a
baking sun. They're fully equipped with enough water for days
and food aplenty.
On the shimmering horizon, mirages come and go and come again.
They see visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens and
stalls full of ice creams and sorbets of every conceivable
flavour. But the Legionnaires do not crack. Instead they keep
marching solidly on.
Suddenly one of them freezes. "Psssst," he says. His companions
halt and strain their eyes to where the first Legionnaire is
pointing.
"Le voila," he says, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree
on ze 'orizon?"
And sure enough, there it is, proud and defiant in the middle of
the desert, a true bacon tree. Slowly they creep forward towards
the far off mystery object. Inch by inch, centimetre by
centimetre, until they are within a stone's throw of the bacon
tree. Ever nearer they creep, until suddenly a shot rings out,
dropping one of the Legionnaires in his tracks. The other
Legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thud into the sand around
them.
The other two return fire and give first aid to their wounded
companion. Even as they bandage him and pour water over his face
they can hear his faint voice. "Zat was no bacon tree," he
gasps, "Zat was an 'am bush."
------------------
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a
construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand
and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect
you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns,
the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The
Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a
fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa
disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you, I
thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get
meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of
supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile
of sand to look for the Chinese guy ... Just then, the Chinese
guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
"SUPPLIES!!!"
--------------
Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six
pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV.
One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He
stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing
there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across
the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his fourth beer, the doorbell
rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot
cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the
stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his first beer, the doorbell
rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This
time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he
doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. the doorbell rang.
The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of
Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained
the events of the preceding four nights.
"What can I do?" he pleaded.
"Not much," the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going
around."
-------------------
The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me
one with everything."
--------------------------
The following, possibly apocryphal story appeared in the Glasgow
Herald.
Lord George Brown, when the band struck up at an embassy
function, asked: "Beautiful lady in scarlet, will you waltz with
me?"
"Certainly not," was the reply. "First, you are drunk. Second,
it is not a waltz, but the Venezuelan national anthem; and
third, I am not a beautiful lady in scarlet, but the papal
nuncio."
--------------------------------
Heard in an East German department store:
Customer: Don't you have any shoes here?
Salesman: No, we don't have any furniture, here. No shoes is one
floor down.
-----------------------
What do you call 20 Mancunians in a filing cabinet?
Sorted!
--------------------
"Doctor, Doctor - I have a problem. I can't stop singing "The
Green Green Grass of Home" and "Delilah".
"Sounds like you have a severe case of Tom Jones Syndrome.
"Is it rare?"
"Well, it's not unusual."
-----------------------
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender looks puzzled and says, "No."
Duck asks the same question. "Got any grapes?"
"No, this is a bar. We don't have any grapes," the bartender
says.
The duck again asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender loses it. "Listen, we don't have any grapes. Now
get out of here. And if you come back again, I'll take a hammer
and nails and nail
your friggin' webbed feet to the floor."
The duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns. "You got any
nails?"
The bartender says, "No."
The duck perks up. "Got any grapes?"
---------------------
Q: What's worse: ignorance or apathy?
A: I don't know and I don't care.
----------------------
Notice on an Internet newsgroup
I have met a person who is writing a book on UFOs, and wants to
have a chapter on UFO encounters by pets.
If your pets have had such experiences, please contact me by
private email, and I can get you in contact with the author.
"I hit a cat with a Zippo one time because it was considering
going after a bird. The cat didn't know what it was. Does that
count?"
------------------
A man went to see his doctor. "Doctor, my arm keeps talking to
me," he said.
"Don't be ridiculous," said the doctor.
"No, really! Listen to it!"
So the doctor put his head next to the man's arm and listened.
"Come on, give us a fiver!" said the arm.
"It's OK," said the doctor. "It's just broke."
--------------------
What did the number 0 say to the number 8?
Nice belt!
-------------------------------
A man walked into a bar and said "Have people been talking about
me?"
-----------------------
Elrond: The ring must be destroyed, and one of you must do it.
But eight of you will leave... with NOTHING as round by round we
eliminate the player voted, THE WEAKEST LINK!
Elrond: Okay team, in that round you got a depressing, pathetic,
disheartening few kilometers closer to Mount Doom. The ring will
go through to the next round, but ONE OF YOU WILL NOT!!! Whose
brain has gone invisible? It's time to vote off, THE WEAKEST
LINK!
Announcer: The strongest link this round is Aragorn. The weakest
link for the third time this game is Pippin. Can he survive
another vote?
Elrond: So team, we seem to be wanting to get rid of the humans
today! Tell me, Frodo. Why did you vote for Boromir?
Frodo: Well, he tried to take the ring from me. So, I think it's
time for him to go.
Elrond: Hm. Well, he wasn't the weakest player this round, but
it's votes that count. Boromir, with three arrows in your chest,
you ARE the Weakest Link, goodbye!
----------------------------
Two young idiots were camping
out in the forest one night. But the mosquitoes were so fierce
that the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from
getting bitten.
The one of the boys saw some lightning bugs. “We may as well give up,” he told his friend. “Now they are coming at us with flashlights.”
----------------------------
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State
Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a
seat at the bar.
"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.
"Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also
a very special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that
painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this
stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from
the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that
window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the
wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.
"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that
he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the
sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet,
comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails
back through the window. "See? It's fun. You should try it," he
says.
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls
out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet,
comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails
back through the window. "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says,
and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30...
40... 50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up
as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window,
heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives
with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk
when you're drunk."
----------------------------------
Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different
sides of the riverbank at night.
Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his
family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was
frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've
been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a
single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come
on over here?"
"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no
boat, and I don’t swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and
replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off
light?"
Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am
stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"
---------------------
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything
all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load
of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all
those fish?"
The other fisherman replies,” If you just go down the stream
until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry
fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one
fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water
and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope.
Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again.
"Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope.
Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been
walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"
--------------------------
Barely twenty minutes after teeing off a woman walks into
the clubhouse and she's grimacing in pain.
"What's the matter?” The club pro asked
" I got stung by a bee" the woman replied
"Where" The club pro said
"Between the first and second holes"
"hmmmmm" The pro said " Sounds like your stance is a little
too wide"
------------------------
Two man playing golf were held up by two women playing in
front of them.
One man said: "I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry
up." When he returned he said: "I have a problem, one of the
women is my wife and the other one is my mistress."
The second man said: "I'll walk up to them and hurry them
up." He came back and said: " We both have the same
problem.”
---------------------
One day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing.
The young one is really good and the old one is just giving
him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way
and the grandpa says, "When I was your age, I would hit the
ball right over that tree."
So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree
and lands not to far from where it started.
"Of course," added the grandpa, "when I was your age, the
tree was only 3 feet tall."
------------------------
Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar. Hawk said," I just got
kicked off the course for breaking 60."
Tom looked at him, amazed. " Breaking 60? That's amazing!"
Hawk smiled and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could
go that fast!"
------------------------
A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight
down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off
into the woods.
He finds the ball, but trees surround it. He s pissed, says
what the hell, grabs his nine-iron, and hits the ball as
hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s
head and kills him.
He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates
to greet him. Looking up his records, God sees that the guy
golf’s and says, “Are you any good?”
The golfer looks at God and says, “I got here in two, didn’t
I?”
------------------------
Bob and Tom both like to golf.
One day Bob went to Tom and said, "Hey look at this great
ball!"
Tom replied, "What’s so great about it?"
Bob said, "Well if you lose it, it will beep until you find
it, and if it goes into the water it will float. This ball
is impossible to lose!"
"Wow!", said Tom, "Where did you get that from?"
Bob replied, "I found it."
------------------------
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