|
Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 11th of May, 2007
Click Here to see the video Dogs On The Beach!
Fun Links: Astronomers using NASA's Chandra X-ray Observatory and other telescopes have recorded the brightest supernova ever seen. The explosion came from a star about 150 times more massive than the Sun located in a distant galaxy. What researchers have learned from the blast suggests that a similar explosion could happen soon here in our own Milky Way. http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y2007/07may_bigsupernova.htm?list196147 Amazing Deep Sea Creatures: If you liked "Pulp Fiction", you'll love "Pulp
Politicians": The largest drain in the world: Clever illusion with glasses of milk: Exploratorium: High-Speed Video of Exploding Light Bulb: Create your own Motivator Parity Poster: Bizarre Image Site - move your mouse around in the
images:
Enjoy the Jokes!
Warning: this Joke
Collection occasionally contains strong language (which may
be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable
for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for
liberal-arts majors).
Ed
----------------
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from
the Louvre.
After carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that' s the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." (And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this to you!) ------------------  A FLY, A FISH, A BEAR AND A HUNTER This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat. There is a moral to this story...... (Maybe not the one Most of you expect, so, read on!) In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream. The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist From the water and I will be refreshed." There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him." There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches That fish will jump for the fly... And I will grab the fish!!" It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.... "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... And that fish leaps for it... That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch." A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches... And that fish jumps for that fly.. And that bear grabs for that fish.. The dumb hunter will shoot the bear And drop his cheese sandwich." A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time) "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches.. And that fish jumps for that fly .. And that bear grabs for that fish And that hunter shoots that bear.. And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich . Then I can have mouse for lunch." The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he Heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish.. The hunter shoots the bear.. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse.. The mouse ducks... The cat falls into the water and drowns. NOW, The Moral Of The Story.... Whenever a fly goes down three inches... ...some pussy is gonna be in serious danger. ---------------------  UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!! If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead. Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. ----------------  B & Q JOB APPLICATION This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75 year old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because he was so funny..... NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard) SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate) DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place – would I? DESIRED SALARY: £150,,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely. ***Old People Rock!*** -------------------  Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze. 1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!..She bought an air conditioner.." 2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?" 1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!" 2nd Hillbilly "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!" 1st Hillbilly: "why is that so stupid?" 2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!" 3rd Hillbilly: "that ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together....! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar." 1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "well what's so dumb ab out that?" 3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker -----------------  "THE LITTLE GIRL, AND THE CONSTRUCTION WORKERS" Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl, and some construction workers, that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time ... A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "Gems-in-the-Rough", more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those "Assholes" at Home Depot ever deliver the "Fucking Drywall ..." Kind of Brings a Tear to the Eye. ------------------  WHO IS JACK SCHITT? For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt ------------------  Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride, heading to Minneapolis. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly. "No," replied Lars. "Vell don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!" ----------------  When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company mistakenly thought the Spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.” -----------------  Be Nice to Your Mother --- Prison Versus Housewives In prison, you get three square meals a day. At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it. In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle. At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation. In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even. At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable. In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free. At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years. In prison, all your medical care is free. At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die. In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up. At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave. In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day. At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again? In prison, you get your own personal toilet. At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them. In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes. At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean. In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go. At home, you take everybody else where they need to go. In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing. At home, you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar. In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't. At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya? ---------------  Oh Those Norwegians All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dummy, your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January; you were born in July." ----------------- HOW OLD ARE WE??????  Who is this man? Just Stop a Minute and think You know you've seen him before .. A) German Ambassador to the United States? ***** B) Former rock and roll star? ***** C) Spokane, Washington serial killer? ***** D) Announced Presidential candidate in 08? ***** E) CEO of Haliburton? The answer is:  We ARE getting old!      
---------------------
 That's All Folks!!! Click Here to return to the home page...
|
.JPG)
