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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 4th of May, 2007
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Enjoy the Jokes!
Warning: this Joke
Collection occasionally contains strong language (which may
be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable
for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for
liberal-arts majors).
Ed
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MY CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008 Here we are already
discussing the future President of the United States in the Year
2008.
Well, I have my own candidate and I'm sure that once you know who I'm for, you will also agree. For those of you who would like another choice for President, I have the best solution: It is probably time we have a woman as President. My choice, and I hope yours as well, is a very special Lady that has all the answers to our problems. MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!!! Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."....... Maxine on "Housework" "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible." Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless." Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed." Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice." Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita." -Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it. -If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet. -The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals. -The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. -To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely. -Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos? -Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia. -Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single. -After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead. So don't forget, November 2008: VOTE FOR MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. There's no one better for the job. MAXINE HAS MY VOTE -------------------------  Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of... "You know you're a redneck when...... 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don! 't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65. --------------------------  Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it." "Well," said the big 'gator, what you been eating, boy?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator. Well, where do Y'all catch 'em?" "Down t'other side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by The capitol." "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawl up under one of them Lexus and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't getting' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shaking' the shit out of a politician, there ain't nothing' left but an asshole and a briefcase." ----------------------  OLD ONE A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes. She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50." ------------------------------  I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician... Have a wonderful day.... -----------------------  Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an xray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for a year from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients? The first is a Golden Retriever. The second is a Senior Citizen. ----------------------  From a friend who knows the truth: Well, it's not a mid-life crisis, but here's how things worked out for me: Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, We had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blond." "Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year- old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.... -----------------------  The average person only gets 7 correct. This is based on U.S. info, so use all lobes of your brain. This can be more difficult than it looks - it just shows how little most of us really see! There are 25 questions about things we see every day or have known about all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple questions are harder than you think-- it just shows you how little we pay attention to the commonplace things of life. Can you beat 23?? (The average is 7) Write down your answers as you go. Check answers (on the bottom), AFTER completing all the questions. LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE. Here we go! 1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom? 2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know) 3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch? 4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label? 5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them? 6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg? (Don't you dare get up to see!) 7. How many matches are in a standard pack? 8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white? 9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? 10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise? 11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run? 12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial? 13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons? 14. Which way do fans rotate? 15 How many sides does a stop sign have? 16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side? 17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel? 18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil? 19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing? 20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package? 21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark? 22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats? 23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits? 24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip? 25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise? ANSWERS 1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom? BOTTOM 2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know) 50 3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch? RIGHT 4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label? BLUE, RED, WHITE, YELLOW, BLACK & GOLD 5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them? 1, 0 6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg? RIGHT 7. How many matches are in a standard pack? 20 8. On the United States flag is the top stripe re! d or white? RED 9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? 88 10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise? CLOCKWISE (NORTH OF THE EQUATOR) 11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run? TOWARDS BOTTOM RIGHT 12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial? 12 (no #1) 13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons? LEFT 14. Which way do fans rotate? CLOCKWISE AS YOU LOOK AT IT 15 How many sides does a stop sign have? 8 16. Do books have even-numbered pages o n the right or left side? LEFT 17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel? 5 18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil? 6 19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing? BASHFUL 20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package? 8 21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark? ACE OF SPADES 22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats? LEFT 23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits? * , # 24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip? 3 25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise? COUNTER ------------------  A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?", asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP -- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet. "You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands..." ---------------------  A Blonde's Year in Review January Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!! March Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!" April Trapped on escalator for hours ... ...power went out!!! May Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions... ...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June Tried to go water skiing... ....couldn't find a lake with a slope. July Lost breast stroke swimming competition... ...learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August Got locked out of my car in rain storm... ...car swamped because soft-top was open. September The capital of California is "C"... ...isn't it??? October Hate M & M's... ...they are so hard to peel. November Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days... ...instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! December Couldn't call 911 ... ... "duh".....there's no "eleven" Button on the stupid phone!!! -----------------  A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!" -----------------------  Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam NAME____________________ GANG/CREW NAME______________ CRIB_________________ 1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload? 2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold? 3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit? 4. Dave wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit? 5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900? 6. Tom got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? 7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over? 8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up? 9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income? 10. Marvin steals Joe's skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked? ----------------  A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"! Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop”. Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans" Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size" She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways" Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA. The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted! --------------  VERY INTERESTING: 1. The Garden of Eden was in Iraq . 2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq , was the cradle of civilization! 3. Noah built the ark in Iraq . 4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq 5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq ! 6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq ! 7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq . 8. Jonah preached in Nineveh -which is in Iraq . 9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel .. 11. Amos cried out in Iraq ! 11. Babylon, which is in Iraq, destroyed Jerusalem . 12. Daniel was in the lion's den in Iraq ! 13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the Fiery Furnace!) 14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the "writing on the wall" in Iraq. 15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq . 16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq . 17. The wise men were from Iraq . 18. Peter preached in Iraq . 19. The "Empire of Man" described in Revelation is called Babylon, which was a city in Iraq! 20. And you have probably seen this one: Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible. But do you know which nation is second? It is Iraq! However, that is not the name that is used in Bible; The names used in the Bible are Babylon, Land of Shinar, and Mesopotamia .. The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. The name Iraq , means country with deep roots. Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible. No other nation, except Israel, has more history and prophecy associated with it than Iraq. And also, this is something to think about: Since America is typically represented by an eagle. Saddam should have read up on his Muslim passages. The following verse is from the Koran, the Islamic Bible) Koran (9:11)-For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace. (Note the verse number!) Hmmmmmmm?! --------------  Wal-mart announced that, on January 1, 2007, it will begin offering customers a new discount item - Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest &Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2- $5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal- Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas , Bentonville. She said: "But the right name is important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were: 10. Chateau Traileur Parc 9. White Trashfindel 8. Big Red Gulp 7. World Championship Riesling 6. NASCARbernet 5. Chef Boyardeaux 4. Peanut Noir 3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar 2. Grape Expectations 1. Nasti Spumante The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum), or red meat (Squirrel). P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax. I know, possum is not a white meat. -------------------  I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A. The professor discovered that he r theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. The dead batteries were given out free of charge. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. A backward poet writes inverse. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blown apart. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. A calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. A boiled egg is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture: a jab well done. -------------------    
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