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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 20th of April, 2007
Fun Links:
Lectric Snake:
Extreme Weather pictures:
Black Holes Collide:
Drum Machine - Takes some time to load, but fun to
watch:
Undersea Restaurant:
Cool Rube Goldberg Device (close the German window
that hides the video):
Excellent Chicago Photos:
Nuns:
Enjoy the Jokes!
Warning: this Joke
Collection occasionally contains strong language (which may
be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable
for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for
liberal-arts majors).
Ed
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The United States has a system of taxation by
confession. ~Hugo Black
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. ~Will Rogers Question: "I understand that Congress is considering a so-called 'flat' tax system. How would this work?" Answer: "If Congress were to pass a 'flat' tax, you'd simply pay a fixed percentage of your income, and you wouldn't have to fill out any complicated forms, and there would be no loopholes for politically connected groups, and normal people would actually understand the tax laws, and giant talking broccoli stalks would come around and mow your lawn for free, because Congress is NOT going to pass a flat tax, you pathetic fool." ~Dave Barry --------------  Here’s How It Works – Stay With Me On This & Let Me Know When You’re Free For Dinner Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner. The bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill, proportional to current tax demographics, it would go something like this: * The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. * The fifth would pay $1. * The sixth would pay $3. * The seventh would pay $7. * The eighth would pay $12. * The ninth would pay $18. * The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men ate
dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the
arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you
are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost
of your daily meal by $20." So now dinner for the ten only cost $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the other six, the paying customers? How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his "fair share?" The six men realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being "paid" to eat their meal.
So the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair
to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same percentage amount, so
he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings). The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings). The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% savings). The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings). The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings). The tenth now paid $49 instead $59 (16% savings). Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to eat for free.
But once outside the restaurant, the men began to
compare their savings. "I only got a dollar out of the $20, but he
got $10." declared the sixth man, now pointing to the tenth man.
"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a
dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than me!"
"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back
when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!" "Wait a
minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get
anything at all. The system exploits the poor!" The nine men
surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered a really shocking thing. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college
professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the
highest taxes do get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them
too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show
up at the table anymore. There are lots of good restaurants in
Europe and the Caribbean. ~David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D,
----------------------------  UNITE FOR A COMMON CAUSE The President has asked that we unite for a common cause. Extremist men of the Islamic faith cannot stand nudity and consider it a sin to see a naked woman who is not their wife. Tonight at 7:00, all American women should run out of their houses, completely naked, in order to weed out the terrorists. The United States appreciates your efforts. God bless America! P.S. candles are optional ------------------  The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking round his new Parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes. One of the old villagers came up to him and said. "Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?" The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also, I left her in bed smoking!" The Villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way I leave them when I'm done too!!" -----------------  CHEATER Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice-fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a weeklong ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things. The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Minnesota. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification. At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the starting line and has 10 fish. Soon, Al Gore returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully, he will catch up the next day. At the end of the 2nd day George W. comes in with 20 fish and Al Gore comes in again with none. That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Al and says, "Al, I think George W. is a low-life cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way. The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Bill Clinton says to Al, "Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin'?" "He sure is, Bill, he's cutting holes in the ice! ------------------  PRESIDENTIAL AID George Bush was out jogging along the parkway one morning when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the Potomac. The current swept him into the middle of the river before the Secret Service guys could get to him. However, three kids who were fishing in a rowboat pulled him out of the water. Bush was so grateful that he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." "No problem," George replied, "I'll take you there on Air Force One". The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!" The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset." Bush, a little perplexed, replied, "That's fine, son. But why do you want a wheelchair? Doesn't look like you need one." The kid said, "I will, after my dad finds out I saved your butt from drowning." ------------------  REFRIGERATOR MAN A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!" "I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass." "But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake." -----------------  THE AMISH AND THE ELEVATOR An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother." ------------------  BUNGEE JUMPING IN MEXICO Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a "pinata"? ---------------- 
THE GOLFING NUN...
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!" "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
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THE PREACHER'S ASS
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse-racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day The paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00 This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE The bishop was buried the next day. --------------- 
THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come
over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived,
and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me
that she couldn't overcome. She told me tha t she wanted me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!" And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car. ------------------------------------- 
HER RELATIONSHIP LACKS FIRE!
A young lady came home very sad from a date. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is." -------------  A 'GRIZZLY' TALE Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you." ------------------  COUNTRY DOC An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!" ------------------  HOME COOKIN' Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them. The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible." The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God." "She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?" "Every night she places a burnt offering before me." -----------------  THE COMPUTER CONSULTANT A mainframe computer on which everyone in the office depended suddenly went down. They tried everything but it still wouldn't work. Finally they decided to call in a high-powered computer consultant. He arrived, looked at the computer, took out a small hammer and tapped it on the side. Instantly the computer leapt into life. Two days later the office manager received a bill from the consultant for £1000. Immediately he called the consultant and said, "One thousand pounds for fixing that computer? You were only here five minutes! I want the bill itemised!" The next day the new bill arrived. It read, "Tapping computer with hammer: one pound. Knowing where to tap: 999 pounds." ----------------  MYSTERIES OF LIFE "God? You there, God?" he asked "Yes, what is it, my son?" God answered. "Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked. "Go ahead, my son, anything." "God, what is a million years to you?" God answered, "A million years to me is only a second." The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny." The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. "God, can I have a penny?" God answered, "Sure, give me a second." ------------------  AGE BAROMETER Count how many you remember... 1. Blackjack chewing gum 2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles 5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P.F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive -6933) 12. Peashooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records 15. S&H Green Stamps 16. Hi-fi's 17. Metal ice trays with levers 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue flashbulbs 20. Beanie and Cecil 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork popguns 23. Drive-ins 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt! ------------------  THE HAMSTER A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle, or else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the $300 and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist." ----------------------  THE ARTIST An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor." -------------------           
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