Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 6th of April, 2007

Happy Easter and Spring Break from the North Sound!

Don't Miss the Easter Parade on Monday!
Click to see this one... ...or this one...

-------------------

Easter Jokes

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A Hot Cross bunny.

What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?
Thistle have to do!

Is it true that bunnies have good eye sight?
Well you never see a bunny wearing glasses, do you?

What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit?
Cheer up!

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
It has 4 rabbits' feet.

How do you post a bunny?
Hare mail.

What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?
One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!

What do you get when you cross a bunny with a leek?
A bunion.

What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
A hare-net.

What did the bunny want to do when he grew up?
Join the Hare Force.

What goes ha-ha-clunk?
A bunny laughing its head off.

How do you make a rabbit stew?
Make it wait for 3 hours!

How do bunnies stay healthy?
Eggercise

Why are people always tired in April?
Because they've just finished a March

Why did the rabbit cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off.

What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A receding hareline.

What do you call the Easter Bunny after a hard day's work?
Tired.

What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
It's been nice gnawing at you.

Where does Valentine's Day comes after Easter?
In the dictionary.

Do you know how bunnies stay in shape?
Hareobics.

What's the difference between the Easter Bunny and a lumberjack?
One chews and hops, the other hews and chops.

What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?
Hot, cross bunnies.

Why couldn't the rabbit fly home for Easter?
He didn't have the hare fare.

How many chocolate bunnies can you put into an empty Easter basket?
One. After that the basket won't be empty.

Why did the rabbit cross the road
Because the chicken had his Easter eggs.

Molly Mole: What's the difference between the Easter rabbit and a mattababy?
Barney: What's a mattababy?
Molly Mole: Nothing. What's the matter with you?

What do you call a dumb bunny?:
A hare brain.

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?
Just look for the grey hares.

What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes?
A funny bunny.

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny

What kind of book does a rabbit like at bedtime?
One with a hoppy ending.

How did the eggs leave the highway?
They went through the "Eggs-it".

What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much?
He cracked up.

What part did the egg play in the movies?
He was an "Egg-stra".

What do you call a sleeping egg?
Egg-zosted!

What did the eggs do when the light turned green?
They egg-cellerated.

What search engine do eggs use on the Internet?
Egg-site!

Why couldn't the egg family watch T.V.?
Because their cable was scrambled.

What's red, pink and blue with yellow all over?
An Easter egg rolling down the hill.

Why did the egg go to school?
To get "Egg-ucated".

How do eggs stay healthy?
They "Egg-cercise".

What kind of plants do eggs keep?
Eggplants!

What do you call an egg from outer space?
An "Egg-stra terrestial".

Why did the egg cross the road?
Because he wasn't a chicken yet!

What day does an egg hate the most?
Fry-days.

Where do Easter Bunnies go for new tails?
To the re-tail store.

Do you know how to find the Easter bunny if he was lost?
Make a noise like a carrot; he'll find you.

How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been?
Eggs (x) marks the spot

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Esther
Esther Who?
Esther Bunny

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Some bunny
Some bunny Who?
Some bunny is eating all my Easter eggs!

Why did the bunny go to the dance?
To do the bunny hop!

Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?
The chicken had his Easter Eggs!

What does a sick chicken say?
I have the people pox.

How does an Easter chicken bake a cake?
From scratch.

Why can't a rabbit's nose be twelve inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.

What would you get if you crossed a rabbit with a scout?
A rabbit who helps little old ladies hop across the street.

How do you know when you're eating rabbit stew?
When it has hares in it.

What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole?
Cold little bunnies.

What do rabbits have that nothing else has?
Baby rabbits.

What is a rabbit's favourite dance?
The Bunny Hop.

What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear?
14 carrot gold.

Waitress, what's this hare doing in my soup?
Looks like the back stroke.

----------------------

PLAY BALL!!!
by George Carlin

Here's something I don't care about: athlete's families. This is really the bottom of the sports barrel. I'm watchin' a ballgame on TV, and just because some athlete's dog-ass wife is in the stands, someone thinks they have to put her picture on the screen. And I miss a double steal.

Same with a ballplayer's father. "There's his dad, who taught him how to throw the changeup when he was two years old." Fuck him, the sick bastard. His own sports dreams probably crash-landed, so he forced a bunch of shit on his kid, and now the kid's a neurotic athlete. Fuck athletes' relatives. If they wanna be on TV, let 'em go to cable access.

I also don't care if an athlete's wife had a baby, how she is, how the baby is, how much the baby weighs or what the fuckin' baby's name is. It's got nothin' to do with sports. It’s just a weak attempt to make these low-level neanderthals appear human. Leave it out.

And I'm tired of ballplayers whose children are sick. Healthy men with sick children: how fuckin’ banal. If the kid is sick, talk it over privately; don't spread it all over television. Have some dignity. And play fuckin' ball!!

Nor do I wanna know about some athlete's crippled little brother or his hemophiliac sister. The Olympics specialize in this kind of mawkish bullshit. Either his aunt has the clap, or his kid has a forty-pound mole, or his high school buddy overdosed on burritos, etc. Can't sports exist on television without all this embarrassing, maudlin, super-sentimental, tear-jerking bullshit! Keep your personal disasters to yourself, and get in there and score some fuckin' points, ya creepy fuckin’ sweatmonger.

And I don't care for all that middlebrow philosophical bullshit you get from athletes and coaches when someone on the team has a serious illness or dies in an accident. They give you this shit, "When something like this happens, you realize what's really important. It's only a game." Bullshit! If it's only a game, get the fuck out of the business.

You know what's important? The score. Who won. I can get plenty of sad tales somewhere else in this victim-packed society. Fuck all that dewy-eyed sentimental bullshit about people who are sick. And that includes any athlete whose father died a week before the game who says, "This one's for Pop." American bathos. Keep it to yourself. Play ball!

And I shouldn't even have to mention severely injured athletes who are playing on "nothing but heart." Fuck you! Suck it up and get out there, motherfucker.

And I don't wanna know about sports teams that sew the initials of dead people on their jerseys for one whole season, as if it really means something. Leave that stupid superstitious bullshit in the locker room. I don't wanna know who's in mourning. Play ball, you fuckin' grotesque overdeveloped nitwits!

And why are they always tellin' us that one of these athletes has a tumor? Don't they realize no one gives a fuck if an athlete has a tumor? You know when you care about a tumor? When you have it. Or someone close to you. Who cares about an athlete?

I notice no one cares if a rock star gets a tumor. So what's so special about an athlete? By the way, have you ever noticed that you don't hear as much about rock stars getting tumors as you do about athletes? Maybe the drug life is a little better for your health than all that stupid, sweaty shit the athletes put themselves through. It’s worth thinking about.

And you can skip tellin' me about the Chevrolet player of the game. A thousand-dollar contribution to a scholarship fund in the athlete's name. Shit. A thousand dollars won't even keep a kid in decent drugs for half a semester. Fuck Chevrolet. And fuck Keith Jackson. And fuck forced wholesomeness.

And when are the media gonna discover that no one cares if an athlete is active in local charities? People don't want to know about some coke-headed, steroid monstrosity who's working to help the National Douchebag Foundation, or how much he cares about poor and sick kids. Can the cocksucker play ball? Fine. Suit him up and get him the fuck out there on the field. Let him injure someone.

One last thing on this topic. No one, repeat, no one is interested in athletes who can sing or play musical instruments. We already have people who perform these tasks. They're called singers and musicians, and, at last count, it would seem we have quite enough of them. The fact that someone with an IQ triple his age has mastered a few simple chords is unimportant and of monumental disinterest. Play ball!

-----------------

LIFE
by George Carlin

Life is not as difficult as people think; all one needs is a good set of rules. Since it is probably too late for you, here are some guidelines to pass along to your children.

1. Relax and take it easy. Don't get caught up in hollow conceits such as "doing something with your life." Such twaddle is outmoded and a sure formula for disappointment.

2. Whatever it is you pursue, try to do it just well enough to remain in the middle third of the field. Keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself and don't ask questions. Remember, the squeaky wheel is the first one to be replaced.

3. Size people up quickly, and develop rigid attitudes based on your first impression. If you try to delve deeper and get to "know" people, you're asking for trouble.

4. Don't fall for that superstitious nonsense about treating people the way you would like to be treated. It is a transparently narcissistic approach, and may be the sign of a weak mind.

5. Spend as much time as you can pleading and impressing others, even if it makes you unhappy. Pay special attention to shallow manipulators who can do you the most harm. Remember, in the overall scheme, you count for very little.

6. Surround yourself with inferiors and losers. Not only will you look good by comparison, but they will look up to you, and that will make you feel better.

7. Don't buy into the sentimental notion that everyone has shortcomings; it's the surest way of undermining yourself. Remember, the really best people have no defects. If you're not perfect, something is wrong.

8. If by some off chance you do detect a few faults, first, accept the fact that you are probably deeply flawed. Then make a list of your faults and dwell on them. Carry the list around and try to think of things to add. Blame yourself for everything.

9. Beware of intuition and gut instincts, they are completely unreliable. Instead, develop preconceived notions and don't waver unless someone tells you to. Then change your mind and adopt their point of view. But only if they seem to know what they're talking about.

10. Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work. Cling to it even when it is hopeless. Anyone can cut and run, but it takes a very special person to stay with something that is stupid and harmful.

11. Always remember, today doesn't count. Trying to make something out of today only robs you of precious time that could be spent daydreaming or resting up.

12. Try to dwell on the past. Think of all the mistakes you've made, and how much better it would be if you hadn't made them. Think of what you should have done, and blame yourself for not doing so. And don't go easy. Be really hard on yourself.

13. If by chance you make a fresh mistake, especially a costly one, try to repeat it a few times so you become familiar with it and can do it easily in the future. Write it down. Put it with your list of faults.

14. Beware also of the dangerous trap of looking ahead; it will only get you in trouble. Instead, try to drift along from day to day in a meandering fashion. Don't get sidetracked with some foolish "plan."

15. Finally, enjoy yourself all the time, and do whatever you want. Don't be seduced by that mindless chatter going around about "responsibility." That's exactly the sort of thing that can ruin your life.

---------------

Quotations

" It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into."
Jonathan Swift

“ If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it ? “
Albert Einstein

" Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it."
Albert Einstein

" I'm not afraid of being lost in a mysterious universe with no purpose, which is the way it is, possibly. It doesn't frighten me."
Richard Feynman

" There is no harm in doubt and scepticism, for it is through these that new discoveries are made. "
Richard Feynman

" News is what somebody somewhere wants to suppress; all the rest is advertising."
Alfred Harmsworth

“A university is a group of disparate departments united by a common interest in car parking “
unknown ?

" If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it "
Stanley Garn

" The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom. "
Isaac Asimov

" A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. "
Mark Twain

" A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. "
Mark Twain

" Golf is a good walk spoiled. "
Mark Twain

" Champagne is just sparkling white wine that knows somebody "
unknown ?

-------------------

Famous Quotes About Women...

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' Henny Youngman

'I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.' Sam Kinison

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' James Holt McGavran

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

------------------

A drop of milk in a cup of coffee

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and STILL be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

----------------------

A man-made sun rose over Bikini Atoll on March 1, 1954. Seen here from 50 miles away, the 15-megaton hydrogen blast called Bravo ranks as the largest U.S. test, a thousand times greater than the atom bomb dropped on Hiroshima in 1945.

That's All Folks!!!

Click Here to return to the home page...