Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 30th of March, 2007

The BVI Spring Regatta races to Anegada in near dead calm.

Megayacht Gallant Lady at the new Leverick Bay Dock.

Isn't it time you called to get your puppy?

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Scam Warning

I dislike people who forward too many warnings as much as anyone, but this one is important! Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around to shake off the ticks, do not do it!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

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Numbers - Courtesy of Time Magazine

CRIME

8.56

Number of murders per every 100,000 people in Nevada, which has been ranked, for the fourth year in a row, as the state with the highest murder rate in the country. The national average is 5.6

3.5%

Rise in Nevada's population between July 2005 and July 2006, the nation's second fastest-growing state over that period

AIR TRAVEL

$16 billion

Estimated savings from cheaper ticket prices that airline passengers would see as a result of an "open skies" aviation deal aimed at liberalizing transatlantic travel

3.5 million

Estimated tons of additional CO2 emissions the "open skies" deal would create annually. Weeks before agreeing to the airline deal, European leaders had pledged to cut overall greenhouse-gas emissions 20% by 2020

CONNECTIVITY

31 million

Estimated number of U.S. households that do not have Internet access and do not intend to subscribe to an Internet service over the next 12 months. 44% of these households say they don't feel they have any need for the Internet

54%

Percentage of U.S. Web users who say the Internet played a major role as they helped another person cope with a major illness

REFUGEES

2 million

Estimated number of Iraqis who have fled Iraq because of the war--nearly 10% of the country's prewar population

7,000

Number of Iraqis the U.S. is planning to admit as immigrants this year

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Late Night Jokes

Thursday Night, March 29

Leno

Did you watch "American Idol” last night? Sanjaya is still on! How is this happening? No matter how horrible he does, he gets voted back. He’s like the George Bush of "American Idol.”

According to Newsweek, they’ve now come out with the carbon diet. An environmentally friendly diet that reduces greenhouse gases. Let me tell you something. If your diet is so bad that you are causing global warming . . . just stay out of Taco Bell.

Former astronaut Lisa Nowak has started her new job, writing training manuals for the navy. It’s a dream come true. She has wanted this job since she was in diapers.

In USA Today there was an interesting article about a group of Native Americans at an Indian reservation in Minnesota who are trying to save the language of Dakota, that was on the verge of extinction. You know, it’s the same thing we’re trying to do in Los Angeles with English.

Letterman

I love spring in New York. Isn’t it great? I mean, today, it’s sunny and 61. Just like Katie Couric.

It was so nice today, Iran is holding Ben & Jerry.

If you’re looking for sure signs of spring, today Donald Trump evicted a family of robins from his hair.

How bout that Regis Philbin? He’s making a tremendous comeback from surgery. Two or three days after the surgery, Regis called in to his show and was talking to Kelly Lee about the operation . . . and he was telling her the last time he had sex was three and a half months ago. I don’t know how this came up. He hasn’t had sex in three and a half months, or as his wife calls it, spring break.

Ferguson

You know the thing I’m most excited about, "Wrestlemania 23” this weekend… I love the professional wrestling. All the guys running around smashing into each other. It’s like NASCAR without cars.

"Wrestlemania 23” — they are calling this one the "Battle of the Billionaires.” Because Donald Trump made a bet with Vince McMahon the owner of WWE . . . Whoever loses has to shave his head . . . It kinda makes sense cause I think Trump won his hair in some sort of wrestling match.

He wrestled some sort of woodland creature. I am confused. Why would Donald shave his hair when he can just lift it off?

Kimmel

Here’s what Eddie Griffin has been up to this week. [Video of Eddie Griffin in his now famous crash of a $1.4 million Ferrari Enzo.] Some people say he did it on purpose, that it was a publicity stunt . . . I have to believe global warming was responsible.

There is so much important news nowadays, especially when it comes to Anna Nicole Smith. Her mom is in the Bahamas right now, and that major event has provided us with a segment called, "How Is This News?” [Video of newscaster announcing "ET spotted her last night at the McDonald’s across from her Bahamas hotel. You can see Virgie leaving the fast food joint with her husband carrying a bag of food and a tray of drinks.]

The Postal Service is getting ready to introduce a new set of Star Wars-themed stamps. The plan is in May they’re going to issue a really cool set of Star Wars stamps, then in 15 years, they’ll release a second set of Star Wars stamps that suck.

Wednesday Night, March 28

Letterman

It was so nice out today, comedian Eddie Griffin walked into a concrete barrier.

It actually not that nice out right now. It’s cloudy and warm — like a Barry Bonds specimen.

What a story! A woman is having a snack, choking to death, and she receives the Heimlich treatment from her dog. This is a very talented dog — he also did Regis’ bypass surgery.

Happy birthday to Hugh Heffner — 81 years old today. Quite a guy. You know, Hugh Heffner takes so much Viagra, that when he dies it’s going to be an open coffin.

Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much "American Idol"

10. At confession, you say, "Forgive me, dawg, for I have sinned"
9. Each week, you vote one of your kids out of the house
8. After sex you say to your wife in a Brittish accent, "Awful. Just pathetic"
7. FOX switchboard operator knows you by name
6. When "Idol" comes on, so do the adult diapers
5. Had your stomach stapled like Randy and you weren't even overweight
4. You understand what Paula Abdul is blabbing about
3. No number 3 — writer watching "American Idol"
2. Got Adam Sandler to guest host your talk show so you could stay home and vote for Sanjaya
1. Your TiVo recommends you get some counseling

Ferguson

I can’t avoid it, so I’ll talk about American Idol. Everyone’s talking about Sanjaya. I will always take gimmicky hair over talent.

That’s why I like Donald Trump.

I’ll tell you why I don’t like American Idol. It’s like being in a karaoke bar sober.

There is nothing new about American Idol. Fakery has been going on for years. The Monkeys started out as a fake band, and then they became a real band. That’s crazy. The only thing that would have been crazier would be if they became real monkeys!

Kimmel

It was elimination night on American Idol. Only one karaoke singer was eliminated tonight. And it was not Sanjaya. So long "Pilsbury Fro-boy” Chris Sligh [American Idol hopeful with an afro].

Heather Mills is on our show tonight. I’m gonna need everyone’s help pretending we haven’t made any jokes about her.

An American Indian tribe in Arizona, built this skywalk over the Grand Canyon and it opened today. There’s controversy about it because some environmentalists are shocked that a Native American tribe would desecrate their own sacred land with something other than a casino.

Tuesday Night, March 27

Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs It's Spring In New York City

10. Tourists are getting mugged for their decongestant
9. The subways smell like urine and Starbucks iced coffee
8. Instead of convenience stores, thieves are sticking up Jamba Juice
7. People come to the "Late Show" just for the air conditioning. How old is that joke
6. Rosie O'Donnell has started a feud with her allergist
5. Billy Joel has begun crashing convertibles. Seriously, is this list two years old?
4. Katie Couric is doing the news in a tank top and hot pants
3. Donald Trump's hair has begun to bloom
2. Lily Tomlin is spewing obscenities at sunbathers in Central Park
1. Stranded JetBlue passengers are on the tarmac in lawn chairs

Leno

Any spring breakers here? Drink all you want. Eddie has agreed to be your designated driver.

Do you all know about this? Comedian Eddie Griffin is OK after crashing a rare Ferrari Enzo worth 1.5 million dollars. Hit the wall. That’s something that doesn’t happen often — a Hollywood celebrity crashing a car while sober. That never happens. And he calls himself a celebrity.

Bill Clinton was a surprise guest at Elton John’s 60th birthday party this past weekend at Madison square garden. There was one embarrassing moment — when he saw Elton John from the behind he said "Hillary?”

Iran has seized 15 British sailors, whom Iran claims had sailed into Iranian waters. Britain denied their sailors entered Iranian territory. Iran responded by denying the Holocaust.

Letterman

It was so nice that over at St. Patrick’s they replaced the holy water with Kahlua.

It was so nice that Kelly Ripa was cohosting with Ben & Jerry.

It was so nice Regis Philbin had his chest open just for the breeze.

Ferguson

It’s a rough day for Eddie Griffin. He was driving this 1.4 million dollar Ferrari for a charity event, and he totaled it. It was the first time in weeks that an actor’s car has hit something other than the paparazzi.

This was for charity, right? Why couldn’t he drive like a Datsun and give the 1.4 million dollars to the charity!

Rough day for MTV. They’ve canceled "Punk’d." Yeah, the hidden camera show "Punk'd" has ended. I’ve never understood that show anyway. You do really cruel and hateful things to people then you say, No no no . . . there’s the camera! You guys! You burned down my house! You guys! You humiliated me and you filmed it! And it’s not fun being humiliated on TV. Trust me, I know.

In Australia, they found a toad as big as a dog . . . I hope these dog-sized-toads don’t become popular. I don’t want to see Paris Hilton walking around with a toad.

Kimmel

It was elimination night on "Dancing With the Stars.” Last year, ESPN’s Kenny Mayne was eliminated first. He took it very hard. He tried to drown himself in the Stanley Cup.

The karaoke is really starting to reach a fever pitch on American Idol. The "Sanjaya-tola” continues to torment this nation with his voice.

South Florida police released the results of Anna Nicole’s Smith’s autopsy. It turns out Anna Nicole Smith died of a drug overdose. Basically she had every known drug in the world in her body. Her attorney and her fake husband Howard K. Stern was concerned she was taking too many drugs and asked her doctor if there was pill she could take for that.

Monday Night, March 26

Leno

Do you know this story? Turns out that Rudy Giuliani’s wife forgot one marriage. She originally said that she was married twice. Now it turns out that she was actually married three times. But she says she never talked about her first marriage. Hey, neither does Bill Clinton.

According to the Census survey, the number of people without health insurance has dropped by 2 million. Well duh! That’s cause their dead because they didn’t have any health insurance. Not really a positive.

In New York City this week, officials found 400 pigeons and 250 rats living in an apartment. I understand that they are turning it into a Taco Bell franchise.

According to a new poll, 29 percent of U.S. households do not have Internet access and have little hope of getting it. You know what the technical name is for people with no hope of Internet access? AOL customers.

Letterman

Beautiful day in New York City. It’s spring. Hillary Clinton switched over to her seersucker pantsuit.

Here’s what I have to do for the allergies in the spring time. I have to switch to Viagra with Benadryl.

It seems like every couple of weeks, we hear that McDonald’s is making their menu more diet friendly. Fewer calories, no trans fats . . . They’re now offering a third of a pound hamburger. The damn hamburger weighs a third of a pound. Don’t worry though . . . You get a pretty good workout at the ketchup pump.

Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I'm Miss USA

10. "I saved 15% on my tiara insurance by switching to Geico"
9. "I'm spending my scholarship money on one of them 108 inch plasma TVs"
8. "I'm Canadian"
7. "Look for me at a boat show near you!"
6. "I'm not saying who, but one of the finalists wasn't exactly a 'Miss'"
5. "During the pageant, I stayed focused backstage by punching a side of frozen beef"
4. "Miss New York taught me how to hotwire a Honda Civic"
3. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the congratulatory presidential phone call came from Clinton, not Bush"
2. "I know I'm supposed to say I was really awkward in high school, but I've always been hot"
1. "I thought I was going to be on Leno"

Ferguson

Hillary Clinton raised 2.6 million dollars at a Hollywood fund-raiser last night. Do you know who wasn’ there? Bill wasn’t there. Do you know where he was? He was in New York at Elton John’s birthday partry! Well, you know Bill . . . he loves the fat girls.

There’s a couple of paparazzi who are suing Denise Richards and Pamela Anderson for physically and verbally abusing them. Suing them! I would pay for that!

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" is the No. 1 movie in America. They beat the "300.” Which is embarrassing for the Spartans. They hold off thousands and thousands of heavily armed Persians, but four turtles and you’re done.

These turtles were teenagers in the mid-80s, so they’re middle-aged now!

Friday Night, March 23

Kimmel

How many people are here because "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” is sold out across the street?

I’m bummed. I have a little tradition. On Friday nights, I go home after the show and I treat myself . . . I eat a can of dog food, and now I find out it might be poisonous.

The Miss USA pageant is going on across the street from us at the Kodak Theatre. The anticipation . . . you could literally cut the tension with a Lady Remington. It is over and the tiara goes to . . . Miss Sanjaya. [video of American Idol hopeful Sanjaya dubbed in winning Miss USA.]

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What Club Did You Use?

Two guys are playing a cart game of golf and are all square on the 18th. The first guy hooks his way off to the left, and the ball comes to rest on the cart track. His opponent smashes his shot straight down the middle.

"Oh well," says the first player, "I should get a drop off there." "Heck no," says his playing partner, "We play the ball as it lies." "OK," says the first guy, as he drops his opponent off in the middle of the fairway.

From his perfect fairway lie, the playing partner easily finds the green on his second shot, and he can't resist laughing as he sees sparks flying from the cart path during the first golfer's practice swings.

Finally the first guy hits his second shot off the cart path -- sparks flying again -- leaving a miraculous shot 3 feet from the pin.

Upon returning to the cart, the playing partner asks in amazement, "That was a great shot ... what club did you use?"

"Your 6 iron."

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"How to Line up Your 4th Putt" by BOBBY RUSHER.

Here are some of the more notable chapters:

A. How to hit a Top Flite from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.

B. How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker.

C. How to get more distance out of a shank.

D. Using your shadow on the greens to maximize earnings.

E. Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk.

F. Crying and how to handle it.

G. How to rationalize a 7 hour round.

H. How to find the ball that everyone else saw go in the water.

I. How to make hitting short of the ladies tee, sexy.

J. How to let a foursome play through your twosome without getting embarrassed.

K. How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee.

L. When to suggest swing corrections to your opponent.

M. God and the meaning of the double bogey.

BOBBY is now working on the book's sequel, "When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever"

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A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular. Your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret”?

Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered"

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A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed." The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly. The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed. Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that." On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.


And from the sky comes a booming voice .......


"Shit, I missed."

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Laws Of The Natural Universe

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Also any tool, used once and laid down, will disappear.

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

15. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

16. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

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An old one revisited A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared intently at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. So she met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her next question:

"Will I be acquitted?"

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I went into a 7-11 gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt

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HOTEL BILL - Last Laugh

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this... Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00. !

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have.

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Oldie but Goodie

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

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A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.

The plane had a layover in Sacramento. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to they could deplane.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Another man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story....Have a great day and remember... Things aren't always as they appear.

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A koala is sitting up in a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,

"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree , got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says: Dude! How much water did you drink?!!"

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Katie Couric (a blonde), while interviewing a Marine sniper, asked: "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?"

The Marine shrugged and replied, "A slight recoil."

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Blonde Kidnapper

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to
kidnap a child and demand a ransom.

She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a
tree and wrote a note.

"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the
money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM."

Signed,
"The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to
go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a
brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. "Here is your
money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

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Getting Married?

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works!".

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist:

"We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

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50 dollars is 50 dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot over heard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you, but if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

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A positive outlook is the key to healthy aging

Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

Enjoy the simple things.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

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That's All Folks!!!

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