Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 23rd of March, 2007

Have you called to order your Coconut Retriever Puppy yet?

British Production Company ITN is shooting a reality show in the BVI this week.

Guess which girl's from Minnesota...

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Late Night Jokes

Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else." --Jay Leno

"Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed." --Jay Leno

"Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while others hate it." --Conan O'Brien

"In a fiery speech this weekend, Hillary Clinton wondered why President Bush can't find the tallest man in Afghanistan. Probably for the same reason she couldn't find the fattest intern under the desk." --Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is elected president, he will do whatever she wants. You know Bill Clinton -- when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank."--Jay Leno

"Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? 'For Sale.'" -Jay Leno

"A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine." -Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton's former business partners can vote for her in 2008." --Jay Leno

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Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said:

"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

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Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

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Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

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Murphy's technology laws

-Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
-Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
-Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
-If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
-The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
-The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
-An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
-Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. great discoveries are made by mistake.
-Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
-Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
-All's well that ends.
-A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
-The first myth of management is that it exists.
-A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
-New systems generate new problems.
-To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
-We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
-Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.--Arthur C. Clark
-A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
-Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
-Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
-The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
-To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
-After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
-Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
-A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
-If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
-Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
-Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
-Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
-If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
-The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
-In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
-Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
-All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
-The only perfect science is hind-sight.
-Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
-If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
-If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
-When all else fails, read the instructions.
-If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
-Everything that goes up must come down.
Corollary: Not always
-Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
-Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
-Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
-The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
-A difficult task will be halted near completion by one tiny, previously insignificant detail.
-There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
-The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
-If there is ever the possibility of several things to go wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

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A Worthwhile Repeat...

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8pm. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!!"

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner!" She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife ?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work..."

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The Perfect Diet

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy ribeye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra...I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

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They walk among us

I walked into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free". She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

They walk among us and many work retail!

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

They walk among us!!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

They walk among us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told her, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." She responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They walk among us!!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They walk among us!!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

They walk among us!!

While standing in line at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Yep. They walk among us!!

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Salesman
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs You know the kind.

So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room & give me one - No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic .........

........... but for an outside line you need to press 9."

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Ireland Declares War on France

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that Paddy," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no freakin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

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Dictionary meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
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40 gypsies

40 Gypsies died in a massive crash on the motorway and went to heaven. They turned up at the Pearly Gates and asked St Peter to let them in.

He said that he didn't have room for all 40 of them. He only had room for 5, so they should go away and think about who would come in.

A short while later St Peter went to see God and said 'They've gone!'

God replied, 'What, the Pikeys?'

'No..............the F*cking gates !!!!'

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Getting married

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding. On the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes, Sir."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

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Democratic Candidates for President

Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John Edwards were flying to a convention. Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."

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Geography of Men and Women

"THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half-wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, Very wide and borders are un patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia. A glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe. Ruled by a dick."

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An American In Scotland

An American was going for a job interview in the Scottish countryside and on his way out he asked a local farmer for directions:

"Excuse me, dude , could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?"

The farmer said: "You driving or walking, lad?"

The American replied: "Driving."

The farmer nodded, saying: "Aye definitely the quickest way

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The Jewish Air Conditioner


The three Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hyman, and Maximillian invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was a sweltering 97º.

The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130º. Then they turned on their air-conditioner and the car cooled off immediately.

Old man Ford got very excited and invited them back to his office. As soon as they sat down, he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.

The brothers refused saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the inventor's recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.

Now, old man Ford was more than just a little bit anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on 2 million Ford cars.

They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.

And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls the names "Norm", "Hi", and "Max".

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What's This?

Its a computer hard disk in 1956....

The Volume and Size of 5MB memory storage in 1956.

In September 1956 IBM launched the 305 RAMAC, the first computer with a hard disk drive (HDD). The HDD weighed over a ton and stored 5MB of data.

Makes you appreciate your 4 GB USB drive, doesn't it?
 

That's All Folks!!!

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