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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 16th of March, 2007
Fun Links:
No human has ever witnessed a solar eclipse quite like
this: NASA's STEREO-B spacecraft was about a million miles from
Earth last month when it photographed the Moon passing in front of
the sun. The resulting movie looks like it came from an alien solar
system.
http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y2007/12mar_stereoeclipse.htm?list196147 Images of the Largest Passenger Ship in the World: http://www.geekarmy.com/cool/Freedom-of-the-Seas.html Interactive Graphics - watch for the tiny white dot to try others: http://www.specialdefects.com/v2/
Very cool Interactive Universe -- you can walk and fly
around and talk to others on-line:
http://www.ff0000.com/universe/ Daisy the Goose Video: http://wm.kare.gannett.edgestreams.net/news/news/020707_242791_daisy_kare.wmv?213436524624&MSWMExt=.asf Enjoy the Jokes! 
Ed
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Selected
Quotes on or by the Irish
This is one race of people
for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.
What's the use of being
Irish if the world doesn't break your heart?
If you are lucky enough to
be Irish, you're lucky enough.
There is no language like
the Irish for soothing and quieting.
St. Patrick's Day is an
enchanted time... a day to begin transforming winter's dreams into
summer's magic! ---------------------- What it Means to be Irish
1) You will
never play professional basketball. ------------------------- Paddy & Mick Paddy and Mick were walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair". Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland. We could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent.' 'R oight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' says Mick. They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and ....." The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?" "Well...yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der y' know dat?" The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners." --------------------------- Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, having left the pub a wee late one night, found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood, those O'Grady's!" "That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died. Aye, those O'Tooles are a hardy bunch, they are!" Just then, Shamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that lived to be 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy & Sean. Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, to Dublin!" ----------------------- From the IRISH “You May Need Help” Column
May love
and laughter light your days, and warm your heart and home. 
2006 Darwin Awards
(17 April 2006, England) There's always someone who thinks good advice doesn't apply to him. For example, if a doctor advises that the one thing you must not do is go near a flame, as you are going to be covered wtih a flammable material, most people would take this advice onboard, and not strike a match until the flammable material has been removed. However, Phillip, 60, knew better than his doctor. Philip was in the hospital to treat a skin disease, said treatment consisting of being smeared in paraffin-based cream. Philip was warned that the cream would ignite, so he definitely should NOT smoke. But he just couldn't live without that cigarette." Smoking was not permitted anywhere on the ward, but Phillip took this setback in stride, and sneaked out onto a fire escape. Once he was hidden, he lit up... inhaled... and peace descended as he got his nicotine fix. Things went downhill only after he finished his cigarette, at the moment he ground out the butt with his heel. The paraffin cream had been absorbed by his clothing. As his heel touched the butt, fumes from his pyjamas ignited. The resulting inferno "cremated" his skin condition, and left first-degree burns on much of his body. Despite excellent treatment, he died in intensive care. Using the Darwin checklist: 1.Reproduction -- if he has children, he's not having more. 2.Excellence -- this one I'll remember! 3.Self-Selection -- he was warned paraffin & flames don't mix. 4.Maturity -- At 60 I guess he was old enough. 5.Veracity -- Major UK news carriers covered the story. This ticks all the boxes, and though I feel sorry for the family, his death acts as a warning to others. If a doctor tells you not to smoke, there's a very good reason. ~~~~~  (September 2006, Florida) A fearsome mythical giant was felled by a humble slingshot. But a modern speargun vs. an underwater leviathan is another tale altogether, as a Florida man discovered. Outlawed in 1990, hunting Goliath-sized groupers remains surprisingly popular. These fish can weigh hundreds of pounds, yet there are underwater hunters who choose to tether themselves to such muscular sea creatures. However unlikely a pursuit, the poaching of groupers by divers and snorkelers continues, in defiance of both the law and common sense. Of this elite group, our Darwin Award winner distinguished himself yet further by disregarding one essential spearfishing precaution. By embarking on this hunt without a knife to cut himself loose, the "fit and experienced snorkeler" was guaranteeing that his next attack on a giant grouper would be his last. Why anyone thinks it's a good idea to tether yourself to a fish twice your size, I don't know. Some time later, the body of the spearfisher was found pinned to the coral, 17 feet underwater. Three coils of line were wrapped around his wrist, and one very dead grouper was impaled at the other end of the line. In those final hours, the tables were turned, and the fish was given an opportunity to reflect on the experience of "catching a person." ~~~~  (3 June 2006, Florida) Two more candidates have thrown themselves into the running for a Darwin Award. The feet of Jason and Sara, both 21, were found protruding from a deflated, huge helium advertising balloon. Jason was a college student, and Sara attended community college, but apparently their education had glossed over the importance of oxygen. When one breathes helium, the lack of oxygen in the bloodstream causes a rapid loss of consciousness. Some euthanasia experts advocate the use of helium to painlessly end one's life. The pair pulled down the 8' balloon, and climbed inside. Their last words consisted of high-pitched, incoherent giggling as they slowly passed out and passed into the hereafter. Sheriff's deputies said the two were not victims of foul play. No drugs or alcohol were found. The medical examiner reported that helium inhalation was a significant factor in their deaths. A family member said "Sara was mischievous, to be honest. She liked fun and it cost her." ~~~~  August 2006, Libreville, Gabon) In August, a congregation's 35-year old pastor insisted one could literally walk on water, if one only had enough faith. Big and bold was his speech. He extolled the heavenly power possessed by a faithful man with such force that he may well have convinced himself. Whether or not he believed in his heart, his sermons left room for only shame should he leave his own faith untested. Thus, the pastor set out to walk across a major estuary, the path of a 20-minute ferry ride. But the man could not swim. Lacking the miraculous powers of David Copperfield, let alone holy Jesus Christ, this ill-fated cleric found only a Darwin Award at the end of his final path. ~~~~  (August 2006, Brazil) August brings us a winner from Brazil, who tried to disassemble a Rocket Propelled Grenade (RPG) by driving back and forth over it with a car. This technique was ineffective, so he escalated to pounding the RPG with a sledgehammer. The second try worked--in a sense. The explosion proved fatal to one man, six cars, and the repair shop wherein the efforts took place. 14 more RPG grenades were found in a car parked nearby. Police believe the ammunition was being scavenged to sell as scrap metal. If it wasn't scrap then, it certainly is now! ~~~~  (19 March 2006, Belize) Benjamin Franklin reputedly flew his kite in a lightning storm, going on to discover that lightning equals electricity. However, certain precautions must be taken to avoid sudden electrocution. Kennon, 26, replicated the conditions of Ben Franklin's experiment, but without Ben's sensible safety precautions. Kennon was flying a kite with a short string that he had extended with a length of thin copper wire. The copper made contact with a high-tension line, sending a bolt of electrical lightning towards the man. Just bad luck? Kennon's father told listeners his son was an electrician, and "should have known better." Kennon is survived by his parents, six sisters, and five brothers. ~~~~  (6 July 2006, Ohio) Insurance fraud is harder than it looks. Just ask Andreas, who lost his life trying to collect on an amputated limb. Just ask Musa and his son Essa, who hired an arsonist to burn down their Steak Thyme Subs shop so they could collect the insurance money. They promised him a $60,000 a year job, but where he would work once the shop was gone is unknown. Three times he tried, and three times he failed to destroy the sandwich shop. The neighborhood was up in arms over the apparent "hate crimes" repeatedly being committed against the Jordanian immigrants. Whether it was a Molotov cocktail thrown through the window, or chairs doused with gasoline and set ablaze, the result was the same. Minor damage. This was getting them nowhere fast! Eventually Musa grew tired of throwing good money after bad. For the fourth arson attempt, only 12 hours after the flaming chairs fizzled, he and his son decided to help out their hired hand. They spread gasoline around their eatery, so that a single match would do the trick. Tragically, they apparently had more talent for arson than their amateur arsonist. They took a cigarette break. One lit cigarette later, an accidental gas explosion took out one wall, and burned both men over 80% of their bodies. Despite several weeks of hospitalized care, the men died from their injuries. The inept arsonist faces a far lighter sentence: up to 10 years in prison. [ sidebar: After the third bungled arson, Musa was interviewed by 9News. He said, "If someone is trying to shut me out of business, it's not going to happen. This is my life and (...) nobody's going to take that away from me." Nobody but himself! Darwin notes that an innocent bystander suffered minor injuries; she was "treated and released" from the hospital. Therefore, Darwin has decided to bend the rules, and consider this father-son duo for a double Darwin Award. ] ~~~~  (17 November 2006, Singapore) Picture a college dorm room. Dirty laundry, sexy posters, food wrappers, textbooks, and in the middle of it all, a 16-year-old male rocking out to loud music. A typical student, a typical day. But this particular student, bouncing on his bed as he rocked out on his air guitar, was about to "take things too far," according to the coroner's report. Li Xiao Meng, a student at Singapore's Hua Business School, bounced up and down on his bed with such enthusiasm that he rocked himself right out of the third-floor window. Normally the windows are locked, but students reportedly force the locks so they can sneak a cigarette. Perhaps alluding to Ted Nugent's rock song, the court ruled it a case of "Death By Misadventure." ~~~~  (28 November 2006, Hall in Tirol, Austria) A man reported missing was found the following morning in a trash compactor, the victim of a self-induced industrial accident. At first, the circumstances surrounding the 48-year-old man's death were hazy. But once the videotape from a monitoring camera was reviewed, all became clear. The man, who worked for a parcel delivery service, had loaded the hydraulic press with empty boxes and started it up. At that point, the long-time employee walked to the edge of the charging (filling) hole, and used his foot to press the boxes further into the hydraulic trash compactor. His foot was was seized by the press, and he was drawn into the chamber and crushed. He was not discovered until his colleagues needed to use the press again the next day. ~~~~  And a worthy rerun in which no one was killed... HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT. A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00). He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural-looking open water for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float in. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...??? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice. The two men swallow, blink, start waving their ! arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his Master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master. Then " "" "" "" "" BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" ! ! ! The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments. The dog is okay. . .doing fine. And you thought Rednecks only live in the South... ---------------------  The true friendship poem Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- just the stone cold truth of our great friendship. 1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid. 4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. 6. When you are confused -- I will use little words. 7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are Well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. 9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend". 10. Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4. -------------------  A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said.... "Clean my house." -------------------  TO BE 6 AGAIN A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day ! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was. Five hours Later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure ! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being six again ?? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. I meant my Dress Size !! The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he may get it wrong. ---------------------  A history of the Universe, the short story: 'Hydrogen is a light, odorless gas, which, given enough time, turns into people.' --------------------  Sarcastic Remarks
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Well, aren't we just a ray of frigging sunshine? 3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we? 5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. 7. Do I look like a frigging people person? 8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time. 12. You! Off my planet !! 13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. 14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control. 15. I like dogs too. Let's exchange recipes. 16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. 17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat. 18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness. 20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it. 22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. 24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil. 25. Allow me to introduce my selves. 26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you." 28. Better living through denial. 29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. 31. Do they ever shut up on your planet? 32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. 33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. 34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? 39. Back off! You're standing in my aura. 40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. 41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too! 42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me. 43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away? 44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? 45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? 46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me. 47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor. 48. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2? 50. Okay, okay, I take it back! Un-Screw You! 51. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong. 52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress." 56. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. 57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you. 58. A woman's favorite position is CEO. 59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 60. You look like shit. Is that the style now? 61. This is a mean and damned cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now! 62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth. 63. Earth is full. Go home. 64. Is it time for your medication or mine? 65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego? 66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me? 67. I plead contemporary insanity. 68. And which dwarf are you? 69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama. 70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks. 71. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 72. It ain't the size, it's... no, I'm sorry, it really is the size. 73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. 74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go? 75. Gene Police!!! Get out of the pool!! --------------------  KIDS IN CHURCH 3-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" ----------------   
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