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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 9th of March, 2007
Fun Links:
In case you missed the Lunar Eclipse:
http://www.photon-echoes.com/lunar_images.htm Jimmy Kimmel does On The Street Interviews "Guess What's In My Pants": http://www.glumbert.com/media/pants
The Prettiest Pictures:
http://thefairest.info/top.html Slow motion video sequence of a knife bursting a water balloon - Google Video http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8568478827662499191 Swarthmore College Textbook Disclaimers: http://www.swarthmore.edu/NatSci/cpurrin1/textbookdisclaimers/ Flying Spaghetti Monster - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster Strange statues around the world | haha.nu - a lifestyle blogzine http://haha.nu/funny/strange-statues-around-the-world Enjoy the Jokes!!! Ed -------------------- What Is Intelligence, Anyway? by Isaac Asimov What is intelligence, anyway? When I was in the army, I received the kind of aptitude test that all soldiers took and, against a normal of 100, scored 160. No one at the base had ever seen a figure like that, and for two hours they made a big fuss over me. (It didn't mean anything. The next day I was still a buck private with KP - kitchen police - as my highest duty.) All my life I've been registering scores like that, so that I have the complacent feeling that I'm highly intelligent, and I expect other people to think so too. Actually, though, don't such scores simply mean that I am very good at answering the type of academic questions that are considered worthy of answers by people who make up the intelligence tests - people with intellectual bents similar to mine? For instance, I had an auto-repair man once, who, on these intelligence tests, could not possibly have scored more than 80, by my estimate. I always took it for granted that I was far more intelligent than he was. Yet, when anything went wrong with my car I hastened to him with it, watched him anxiously as he explored its vitals, and listened to his pronouncements as though they were divine oracles - and he always fixed my car. Well, then, suppose my auto-repair man devised questions for an intelligence test. Or suppose a carpenter did, or a farmer, or, indeed, almost anyone but an academician. By every one of those tests, I'd prove myself a moron, and I'd be a moron, too. In a world where I could not use my academic training and my verbal talents but had to do something intricate or hard, working with my hands, I would do poorly. My intelligence, then, is not absolute but is a function of the society I live in and of the fact that a small subsection of that society has managed to foist itself on the rest as an arbiter of such matters. Consider my auto-repair man, again. He had a habit of telling me jokes whenever he saw me. One time he raised his head from under the automobile hood to say: "Doc, a deaf-and-mute guy went into a hardware store to ask for some nails. He put two fingers together on the counter and made hammering motions with the other hand. The clerk brought him a hammer. He shook his head and pointed to the two fingers he was hammering. The clerk brought him nails. He picked out the sizes he wanted, and left. Well, doc, the next guy who came in was a blind man. He wanted scissors. How do you suppose he asked for them?" Indulgently, I lifted by right hand and made scissoring motions with my first two fingers. Whereupon my auto-repair man laughed raucously and said, "Why, you dumb jerk, He used his voice and asked for them." Then he said smugly, "I've been trying that on all my customers today." "Did you catch many?" I asked. "Quite a few," he said, "but I knew for sure I'd catch you." "Why is that?" I asked. "Because you're so goddamned educated, doc, I knew you couldn't be very smart." -------------------- "Late Night Jokes" March 7, 2007 "Yesterday, I. Lewis Libby, a.k.a. 'The Scooter', the vice president's chief of staff found guilty on four of five counts ranging from obstruction of justice to lying to a grand jury. Yes, we got the guy -- the one-man cancer on this White House has been removed." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip) "The man who lied to the FBI about whether the president secretly declassified files so the vice president could pass the identity of an undercover CIA agent to reporters so as to discredit the woman's husband, who had presented evidence undermining the president's case for war, has been ... what are we talking about again?" --Jon Stewart "Obviously, this has come at a bad time for the White House. Usually, you want the conviction of a high-ranking official and the veterans-sleeping-in-moldy-rat-holes stories on different days." --Jon Stewart "The White House feels very strongly this is yet another case of activist jurors destroying the lives of the disabled. These $5-a-day zealots were determined to put a man in jail just because a few details slipped his feeble mind." --Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee "This whole scandal came to light when Robert Novak became the first person to publish details outing the CIA operative. And it really would be a shame if amidst all the legal wrangling and the heated words about this case we lost sight of the one essential truth that I think all parties can agree on: Bob Novak is a HUGE douche bag." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip) March 6, 2007 "As Congress continued hearing details of the substandard treatment of Iraq war veterans at Walter Reed hospital, President Bush spoke before the American Legion, naturally appreciating the depth of war veterans' anger, the gravity of the situation [on screen: Bush saying, 'If you're here my advice is behave yourself. What happens in Washington stays in Washington']" --Jon Stewart "In the Valerie Plame case, Scooter Libby was found not guilty ... on one of the five charges. ... But the media is instead focusing, of course, on the four counts of perjury, lying to the FBI and obstruction of justice for which Libby was convicted. It's typical. They always see the glass as 80% guilty." --Stephen Colbert March 5, 2007 "We have received word that many hundreds of American troops are being held in deplorable, squalid conditions. What kind of people would treat our soldiers in this horrible manner? Funny story -- turns out, it's us. In a bombshell story, the Washington Post has reported that several buildings at the military's Walter Reed Medical Center are so poorly maintained that they are pits riddled with water damage, black mold, and in the case of the notorious Building 18, rampant infestation of cockroaches and rodents at Walter Reed. I can understand this kind of thing if you were running, I don't know, some kind of fast-food restaurant. Or, let's say, a hospital for cockroaches that had been injured in some kind of vermin battle." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip) "Why aren't we hearing the other side of this issue? Yes, there is tons of black mold growing in the walls where we house our wounded soldiers. But nobody mentions, mold can be used to make cheese ... and penicillin. You might say Walter Reed's walls are dripping with medicine." --Jon Stewart "The president has said no one supports the troops more than him. So, if you take him at his word -- and I see no reason not to -- anyone leaving the army is necessarily going into a less supportive environment, and that can't be an easy transition. ... [These shoddy conditions] are a halfway house, so that soldiers can get accustomed to their terrifying, new Bushless world. You just can't throw them back to their family and friends, where God knows what will happen to them. You need to ease them into it with six months to a year of squalid aftercare in some type of bureaucratic limbo" --Daily Show correspondent John Oliver (Watch video clip) "Those brave Americans who put themselves in harm's way. ... I'm talking, of course, about the members of Congress who toured Walter Reed last week. Someone had to have the courage to walk through that hospital and then have the press document their disapproval. These folks have been fighting to improve the conditions for our wounded soldiers ever since the very beginning of two weeks ago." --Stephen Colbert "It's hard for us civilians to understand the kind of sacrifice it takes for a congressman to respond to a Washington Post article, so let me put this into perspective for you: They can't just look out their window to see what's happening at Walter Reed. No, they have to get into a car. Walter Reed hospital is more than six miles from the Capitol. ... Getting to Walter Reed from the Capitol is a march through hell, that evidently takes more than four years to make" --Stephen Colbert March 2-3, 2007 "Afghanistan reported a record opium crop. I think that explains why Dick Cheney came back from his trip saying, 'Hey, they greeted us with flowers. And they blew my mind'." --Bill Maher "The Taliban tried to blow up Dick Cheney. ... He was never in danger -- at the time of the attack, he was safely asleep in his coffin. ... I just hope that this attempt on his life doesn't turn him bitter, vicious, and paranoid." --Bill Maher "Speaking of vicious, we are 10 months away from anyone even casting the first vote in the presidential election, but already the mud is flying. Did you hear the latest about Barack Obama? He comes from a family of slave owners. He's black, but he's half white. Apparently, on his mother's side, which is the white side, they owned slaves. The Barack Obama camp is going to deny it, but his approval ratings in the South shot up 27 points." --Bill Maher "That's nothing. Apparently, President Bush's entire family is owned by Saudi Arabia." --Bill Maher "In other slave-owning news this week ... one of Al Sharpton's ancestors was owned by one of Strom Thurmond's ancestors. But they sold him because his medallion kept getting caught in the cotton gin." --Bill Maher "You heard about the big John McCain gaffe. He was on the David Letterman show announcing his presidential campaign, and he pulled a Joe Biden. ... He used the word 'wasted' to describe the lives lost in Iraq. Next day, he said he should have used the word 'sacrifice'. But to put it into perspective, when McCain was a prisoner in Vietnam, George Bush was wasted. Sorry, I meant to say he was sacrificing brain cells." --Bill Maher "They're going after Al Gore, and he's not even in the race yet. He won an Oscar Sunday and not even a day goes by when they bust him because ... his house in Tennessee uses 20 times the electricity than the average house in Tennessee. But that's because Gore's house has electricity" --Bill Maher "Another horrible day for the stock market. It went down another 100 points. In fact, the only company to make money was the Tennessee power company that sells electricity to Al Gore." --Jay Leno "George Clooney was in the news. He says he's not going to go into politics ... because he's had too much sex with too many women. ... I bet Bill Clinton had a good laugh on that one." --Jay Leno "Hillary Clinton's campaign has issued a statement saying she and Bill will be together this weekend in Selma, Alabama, which will be their first joint appearance together in a month. That's when you know you have a bad marriage -- when you have to put out a press release saying you'll be together for the weekend. You need cameras to record it, in case people don't believe you" --Jay Leno "Now, for the first time in 200 years, guess what's back in New York City? Beavers. Beavers back in New York City. As soon as he heard about this, Bill Clinton started slapping on cologne. ... It's a bad infestation of beavers. It's so bad, they are thinking about bringing in Dick Cheney" --David Letterman "The other day an American Airlines employee tried to let former Vice President Al Gore bypass airport security, but guards stopped Gore and made him go through the metal detector. The head of security said, 'We had to search Al Gore. He could have been armed with a speech.'" --Conan O'Brien "Madame Tussauds Wax Museum is opening a new location in Washington, DC, and the greeter at the front door will be Abraham Lincoln. Meanwhile, the wax Bill Clinton will be greeting women in the ladies' room" --Conan O'Brien "In an announcement in South Carolina, Joe Biden, who is running for president, says he plans now to speak at more places, but to smaller crowds. Oh yeah, like it's his choice." --Jay Leno "Tom Vilsack, who just dropped out of the presidential race, was on TV to talk about his presidential campaign. He said it was the best 12 hours of his life." --Jay Leno March 1, 2007 "Big news from the 2008 presidential campaign. Last night, Senator John McCain -- right here on this program -- announced he's running for president. And then today, he shaved his head and checked into rehab." --David Letterman "And tomorrow night, here on the 'Late Show', Al Gore will announce he's going on the South Beach diet." --David Letterman "Hillary Clinton's campaign is bragging that Hillary has raised over $1 million on the Internet. In a related story, Bill Clinton is bragging that he has spent more than one million dollars on the Internet" --Conan O'Brien "Kind of an embarrassing situation for Al Gore with his whole global warming thing. Turns out his Tennessee home has been using 20 times the energy as the average household. To be fair, it is still not as much energy as John Edwards' blow-dryer is using." --Jay Leno "Republicans have been attacking Al for having this big electric bill, but Al Gore says his bill is higher than average because his house is bigger than average. It's a 20-room mansion -- you know, the kind of house you usually find a Republican living in." --Jay Leno "The state Senate in Florida wants to outlaw the term 'illegal alien' because it is insensitive. They want to go with a more politically correct term, like 'Wal-Martian." --Jay Leno "Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to vacation. No men will be allowed. ... Which of course leads to the philosophical question: If something goes wrong, whose fault will it be?" -Jay Leno "According to the Taliban, Osama bin Laden is alive. But they said if he dies, he'd now like to be buried in the Bahamas." --Jay Leno "It's March 1st. Black History Month is officially over. But did you know that black history continues ... almost all the time. Take the story of one Reverend Al Sharpton -- Democrat, one-time presidential candidate and outspoken leader on civil rights. Funny story. Some genealogist is looking into his background and ... you're not going to believe this. It turns out his great grandfather had been enslaved by a relative of late South Carolina Senator and famed segregationist Strom Thurmond. Only in America. I mean, seriously, it only could have happened in America." --Jon Stewart -------------------- The World's Shortest Books: FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac ______________________________________ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore ________________________________________ MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno _______________________ MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton _______________________________________ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton _________________________________ Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton ___________________________________ MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden ___________________________________ THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates ____________________________________ THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman ____________________________ THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry ____________________________ AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC ____________________________ A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J Kevorkian __________________________________ ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel ____________________________________ GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson __________________________________ THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY _______________________________________ MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson _________________________________________ HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES by Ted Kennedy -------------------- Born Julia Elizabeth Wells on October 1st, 1935, in Walton-on-Thames, Surrey. Julie Andrews, to commemorate her 71st birthday on October 1, made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music." Here are the lyrics she used: Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things. Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,! Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, When we remember our favorite things. When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad. Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things. Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin', Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things. When the joints ache, When the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad. Ms Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes. ---------------- Just came across this exercise suggested for older adults, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks. ------------------- Ever Wonder Why.....? Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs? A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called "pygg". When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as "pygg banks." When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on. Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches, while pennies and nickels do not? A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.. Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left? A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. And that's where women's buttons have remained since. Q: Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses? A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous. Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called "passing the buck"? A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would "pass the buck" to the next player. Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast? A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the h o st. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would then just touch or clink the host's glass with his own. Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be "in the limelight"? A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, performers on stage "in the limelight" were seen by the audience to be the center of attention. Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use "mayday" as their call for help? A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning "help me" and is pronounced "mayday," Q: Why is someone who is feeling great "on cloud nine"? A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, & with nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.. Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called "love"? A: In France , where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on scoreboard looked like an egg and was called "l'oeuf," which is French for "egg." When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans pronounced it "love." Q: In golf, where did the term "Caddie" come from? A. When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl (for education & survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot game "golf." So he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into "caddie." -------------------- In my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven, I asked the children, "If I sold my house and my car had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD." -------------------- 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path. 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's. 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick. 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko. 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. 13.. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog. 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 22. How Is a Texas Tornado And an Alabama Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer! ---------------- A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof--and the horn--screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant and fully using obscenities, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated 'Christian Fish' emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car." ------------------------ Newspaper Headlines Include Your Children when Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms Eye Drops Off Shelf Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Deer Kill 17,000 Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors ---------------------- CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some shopping done for my little boys' forthcoming birthday. I was stressed out and a little irate. It was dark, cold, and wet in the car park as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the shopping centre entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged old football shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a fifty pound note in his hand. Thinking that he had got lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters all of whom also had birthdays imminent just like my little boy. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save one hundred pounds to buy her children birthday presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the shopping centre, when an older boy grabbed one of the fifty pound notes and disappeared into the night. "Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the pavement and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up, tears in his eyes and meekly whispered, "Help me!" I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other fifty pound note and legged it back to my car. -------------------- Inklish Signs In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life. Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well talking. - Here speeching American. ---------------- Why We Love Children! 1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!" 2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents." 3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." 4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" 5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?" 6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?" 7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" 8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. " 9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes." (I want this line used at my funeral!) 10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!" 11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!" -------------------- Haiku Error Messages Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. Everything is gone; Your life's work has been destroyed. Squeeze trigger (yes/no)? Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. Seeing my great fault Through darkening blue windows I begin again The code was willing, It considered your request, But the chips were weak. Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. Errors have occurred. We won't tell you where or why. Lazy programmers. Server's poor response Not quick enough for browser. Timed out, plum blossom. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. Login incorrect. Only perfect spellers may enter this system. This site has been moved. We'd tell you where, but then we'd have to delete you. Wind catches lily Scatt'ring petals to the wind: Segmentation fault ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much. First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. There is a chasm of carbon and silicon the software can't bridge Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. No keyboard present Hit F1 to continue Zen engineering? Hal, open the file Hal, open the damn file, Hal open the, please Hal Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. The ten thousand things How long do any persist? Netscape, too, has gone. Rather than a beep Or a rude error message, These words: "File not found." Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared Screen. Mind. Both are blank. -------------------- The Cure A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?" The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?" -------------- “Lessons Women Learn! A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name, but after everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, the widow tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake - food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My gosh, how big is it?" The widow says, "Three carats." -------------------- In a zoo in California, a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet tiger cubs. Unfortunately, due to complications in the pregnancy, the cubs were born prematurely and due to their tiny size, they died shortly after birth. The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery, suddenly started to decline in health, although physically she was fine. The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if the tigress could surrogate another mother's cubs, perhaps she would improve. After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the mourning mother. The veterinarians decided to try something that ? had never been tried in a zoo environment. Sometimes a mother of one species will take on the care of a different species. The only orphans" that could be found quickly, were a litter of weaner pigs. The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger. Would they become cubs or pork chops?? Take a look........ you won't believe your eyes!!    
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 "This awesome picture was taken in Bitterroot National Forest in Montana on August 6, 2000. The photographer, John McColgan, is a fire behavior analyst from Fairbanks, Alaska. He took the picture with a digital camera. --------------  -------------- 
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