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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 2nd of March, 2007
Seaborne Airlines is Coming!
Fun Links:
Mark your calendar: On March 3, 2007, the Moon will
turn red during a total lunar eclipse visible from parts of all
seven continents, including the eastern half of the United States.
http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y2007/12feb_lunareclipse.htm?list196147 *** THREE STARS - Here's a fabulous new downloadable Planetarium I highly recommend - check out the ability to zoom in on planets and galaxies from real Hubble Telescope photos: http://stellarium.sourceforge.net/ "The Universe Within" - Ultra Macro to Ultra Micro voyage - this will make you understand your place in the Universe: http://www.micro.magnet.fsu.edu/primer/java/scienceopticsu/powersof10/ Google Earth Community "Extreme Series" - you will find these sites and facts AMAZING! http://bbs.keyhole.com/ubb/showthreaded.php/Number/299112 "Ping Pong Balls" Video - amusing: http://content2.totallycrap.com/media/tcflvplayer/flvtcplayer.swf?file=//video/pingcup.flv "Co0l Mouse Drawing Tool" - have fun! http://www.eigelb.at/HP/Links/SpecialEffects/Grappa/DelayedTrace/ Perhaps the most Amazing Use of Computer Graphics: http://video.stumbleupon.com/?s=ukraz4ixyk&i=cq26i95v90ox8nxg5xin "Heavy Air" - cool! http://www.bulletinboardforum.com/youtube/worksafe.php?vid=a9ifZlu6YKk&c=Sulphur%20Hexafluoride&banner=1 "Dubya speechwriter" - put together actual voice quotes to make your own unique speech: http://www.actofme.co.uk/bush_speech/bushspeechwriter.html Enjoy the Jokes!!! ...and if you get new ones, please forward them! I got some interesting Links and "fact" stuff this week, but not many "funnies". Ed -------------------- "Late Night Jokes" Leno The big story in Newsweek: Will Bill embarrass Hillary during the campaign? I don’t know, do you really think that’s a problem? You think it’s possible for Hillary to be embarrassed by Bill anymore? Outside of Bill Clinton being caught in bed with the Rev. Ted Haggert, I don’t think it’s possible to embarrass Hillary anymore. The state of Virginia’s General Assembly has passed a resolution apologizing for slavery. Not a moment too soon. It’s good to nip these things in the bud before any hard feelings develop. Speaking of that, according to a new report by genealogists, Al Sharpton’s ancestors were slaves once owned by Strom Thurmond’s relatives. And now Al Sharpton wants a DNA test to see if they are related. And somehow you know this is going to end up that Strom is the father of Anna Nicole’s baby. You know that’s going to happen. You knew this was going to happen — today Democrats started a "draft Al Gore movement.” See, I’m not sure President Bush understood this. When they told him Al Gore could be drafted he said, "Can’t his family get him in the National Guard?” Letterman Hugh Heffner, 80 years old, publisher of Playboy, is getting married. 27-year-old bride. He’s 80, she’s 27, and you can already hear the high heels clicking down the halls of the Supreme Court. Folks still talking about the Academy Awards. It was long. Britney Spears had a 5 o’clock shadow. James Cameron claims to have found the tomb of Jesus Christ. If you say you have found the tomb of Jesus Christ, by God, and I do mean by God, you better have found the tomb of Jesus Christ. 2,000 year-old tomb . . . and to authenticate it, you know who they’re brining in? They’re bringing in Regis. He’ll tell about it. Conan The Neilsen ratings for this years Oscars were up, compared to last year’s, especially among 18- to 34-year-olds. Keep in mind that statistic is misleading because viewers who were 18 at the beginning of the show, were over 50 when it ended. Yesterday, James Cameron held a press conference and announced he’s found the coffin Jesus was buried in. Just what we need . . . another celebrity who’s found Jesus. Since formewr Iowa Gov. Tom Vilsack dropped out of the presidential race a few days ago, Vilsack supporters are divided about which candidate to support now. Apparently one guy likes Obama, the other guy likes Hillary. Krispy Kreme announced they’re coming out with a low-fat, 180 calorie, whole wheat doughnut. This amazing whole wheat doughnut is called a bagel. Ferguson Not such a great day for Wall Street. The Dow Jones dropped like a gazillion points, like almost 500 points today. I am glad CBS doesn’t pay me enough to invest in the stock market. I don’t even know who Dow Jones is. That’s the guy who married Star Jones I think. Everyone’s talking about Al Gore winning the Oscar for his global warming movie. Did you see him on the Oscars? It doesn’t look like he’s trying to save the planet, it looks like he’s trying to eat the damn planet. Kimmel After four miserable, grueling days, American Idol is finally back on televisionm and not a moment too soon. One of the contestants is already standing out on the show, but not for singing. 20-year-old Antonella Barba is getting a lot of attention for photographs floating around on the Internet. [Newscaster announces: "The nude, topless, and in some cases pornographoic, photos surfaced reportedly on her own Web site.”] You know, you expect this sort of thing from Miss USA, but not from Amerrican Idol. To me the best reality show on Tuesday night is "To Catch a Predator.” Tonight, this guy was all set up to meet with an underage girl, but he had a moment of clarity or I don’t know what happened, but he decided to jumop ship . . . it made no difference though, as here he is being subdued by police. [Video of perp yelling, "I didn’t do anything. I didn’t do anything, yet.”] They say he should try to leave off the word "yet.” President Bush got a visit from NBA champion Miami Heat at the White House today, and needless to say he did something dumb. [Video of Bush trying to dribble a basketball which falls flat.] Seems weird, because he seems like he’d be a dribbler. Monday Night, February 26 Leno Did you all watch the Oscars last night? I tried to TiVo the show, but my TiVo only holds 30 hours of programs. It was so long that parts of Peter O’Toole were starting to fall off. It was like the JetBlue of celebrities. The memorial clip actually featured people who were alive when the show began. Letterman This just in: President Bush has now promised that we will be out of the Academy Awards by 2010. The big winner last night was "The Departed.” Not the movie — I mean me. I departed about 10 o’clock. The critics are already saying that the show was too long. And I say, "Hey — wait a minute. It’s not fair to judge the show until it is over.” I thought Britney Spears looked tremendous. Didn’t she look great? Then it turned out it was Jack Nicholson. Conan Who watched the Oscars? If you missed it don’t worry . . . it’s still going. Helen Mirren won an Oscar for her role in "The Queen,” and now, this is latest, the real queen of England has invited her for tea at Buckingham Palace. Meanwhile President Bush has extended a similar invitation to Larry the Cable Guy. Angelina Jolie is in the news. Angelina Jolie is joining the prestigious Council on Foreign Relations. In a related story, Kofi Annan will be playing Laura Croft in Tomb Raider 3. JetBlue Airlines is experiencing more delays because of another winter storm. In their defense, JetBlue says, "We’re really more of a May-through-August airline.” Ferguson It’s a great day for America because Krispy Kreme, the doughnut people, have announced they’ll be selling whole wheat doughnuts. My life is complete! Now, you can get healthy and fat at the same time. It’s kind of like whole wheat crack. If you want to stay healthy . . . there was this guy in Hong Kong, 107-year-old guy in Hong Kong. He attributes his longevity to abstaining from sex since he was 30. Man, I’m gonna live a long, long time. I cannot believe the epidemic of plastic surgery in this town. The trouble with plastic surgery is that if you get too much, you look like you’re traveling at high speed all the time. Kimmel It’s very cold around the country today. JetBlue canceled all their flights, and, just to be safe, went out of business today. The Academy Awards were held just across the street from us. I heard that Al Gore — and this is only a rumor — I heard he got a little crazy at the Vanity Fair party . . . I’m told he left the light on in the bathroom. The big topic today was who was the best and worst dressed, and many people think Reese Witherspoon looked the best. But worst dressed, sadly, went to Verne Troyer (Mini-Me) who showed up in a Quaker Oatmeal box. He didn’t look great, but he had very low cholesterol. Friday Night, February 23 Letterman On this day in 1902, they invented the vacuum cleaner. The only thing that’s sucked longer is the Nicks. How about Al Gore? "An Inconvenient Truth" has been nominated for an Academy Award. Two as a matter of fact. It’s all about the environment. And I can’t think of anything better for the environment than an event that features 2,000 stretch limousines. Expect a lot of new faces at the Academy Awards. Not a lot of new people, but a lot of new faces. Conan Yesterday at a political rally, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger called John McCain a great senator and a very good friend. Apparently, Arnold likes McCain because it's so much easier to pronounce than "Giuliani.” The furniture chain Ikea announced that it is going to start charging customers for plastic bags at the check-out counter. The Ikea bags will come in two sizes: "Glooken” and "Sven." Paris Hilton threw herself a birthday party this week, and she brought two dates. Which explains why Paris told her guests, "No cake for me; I had a sandwich in the car." Ferguson It is Dakota Fanning’s birthday today! Wee Dakota, she’s 13 today! Thirteen! Which is 52 in Hollywood years. In Costa Rica, a bunch of muggers attacked a group of elderly American tourists. The American senior citizens beat the muggers up. That’s the last time anyone messes with the Golden Girls, I’ll tell ya that. That’s an amazing story I think. An old person beating the crap out of someone. It’s a great idea for a movie. Wait — Sylvester Stallone just made that movie. Do you know what gets me? At the Academy Awards —they always get overlooked . . . comedies. That Borat movie. Sacha Cohen had to roll around with a naked fat guy! That is not how you get an Oscar in Hollywood. That’s how you get the job in Hollywood. Kimmel This whole neighborhood is swarming with Oscar security. I had to actually catapult into work this morning. The confiscated my Chinese throwing stars! The Anna Nicole Smith hearing came to a close yesterday, or so we thought. Even though the judge ruled the guardian of Anna Nicole’s child will decide where the body’s going to be buried, her mother is now appealiong that decision because she still wants the body to be buried in Texas. This may be crude, but isn’t the simplest way of settling this to send half the body to Texas and half to the Bahamas? Tom Vilsack pulled out of the presidential race today. I don’t know who he is either, but ----------------------- Quotes (Sarcastic) » Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. - Ashleigh Brilliant » It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black. - Paul Newman » It's a catastrophic success. » I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here. - Stephen Bishop » History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. - Abba Eban » No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. » I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. » I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. » I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. » I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. - Groucho Marx » The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced. - Frank Zappa » The 100% American is 99% idiot. » The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. - George Bernard Shaw » He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde » He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Victor Borge I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Mark Twain » I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow » If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies? - Charles Pierce » You have delighted us long enough. - Jane Austen -------------- My little dealer wears green By GREGORY TRIESTE SPECIAL TO THE POST-INTELLIGENCER I'm a strung-out junkie. I'm a user. I walk between buildings, in dark alleys, diving through Dumpsters, anything -- to get one more taste. I can't stop. This stuff just takes me places I need to go. I need help. Every March, just before spring, little girls in green and brown start showing up in office buildings and parking lots to push their powder. The most powerful powder this old junkie has ever known -- confectioner's sugar. They are back. They've got Thin Mints, Trefoils, Samoas and Shortbread. And soon, they'll have all my money. In a way, they pity me. They know I can't stop. It takes a toll on the pusher -- selling to the user they know has had too much -- but they've spent most of their nine years living in a kind of Scouts' paradise. For them, each March means the same dance. They head to the cargo terminal at the airport. They throw Customs a C-note tucked into a box of Lemon Coolers to look the other way. Mom backs up the Town & Country and they bag their goods under cover of darkness. They know where to find me. In a matter of hours I'll be more cookie than man. Somewhere my belt sits crying -- knowing the next few weeks will mean even more work than usual. I put on a hat and a dark overcoat. I hit the ATM and empty the accounts. I start walking the streets -- nervous, trembling. I see the minivan slow down. I rush up to the window. My 9-year-old checks me out from head to toe, stopping only to survey my love handles. When she sees them, she turns to Mom and instructs her to pull over and cut the engine. "He'll do," she says. She lowers the window and pulls back her beret. She stares me down. I start. "Hi. My name is ..." Abruptly, she cuts me off, "Don't tell me your name." "What do you have?" I ask. She shoots back. "What do you need? And how much money do you have?" I start sweating. She sees my weakness and detests me. "Let's start with the Do-Si-Dos," I say. She shoots back. "Four dollars a box. Let's see the cash." "OK. Come on, man. You know I'm good for it." She grows impatient. "Look, tubby -- I'm not a Cub Scout. I'm not out here to tie square knots and start campfires. You wanna talk to me, let's see the cash -- and it better not be marked." "You got any open boxes of Double Dutch?" I ask. "You're pathetic. Let's just do this thing. I got a parking lot full of fat guys just like you waiting for me at Safeway," she says. I give her all my money. I get four boxes of Samoas, two Trefoils and an open box of Thin Mints. She rolls up the window and speeds off. Before walking off, I look over both shoulders, careful to make sure I'm not being watched. I head to the bus station, sit down and start to feed my veins. I'm strung out. My insulin level is off the charts. Somewhere a 9-year-old girl is very, very rich. It'll be a year before I see her again. She won't remember me. To her, I'm just another desperate face with six chins. Two days later, I leave the bus station, covered in crumbs. I have to find a way to get on with my life for the next 11 1/2 months. Somewhere in the night, my 9-year-old dealer sits and counts her money. I wonder how she sleeps at night. Does she have any idea what she's doing to me? While she's off enjoying the coming spring, I'll go through my yearly withdrawals, my insulin levels dropping faster than the price of Krispy Kreme stock. Help me. Got a spare Thin Mint for an old thyroid? ------------- !!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!! Research on bread indicates that: 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. 4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. 5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month! 6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis. 7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days. 8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts. 9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. 10. Newborn babies can choke on bread. 11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. 12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made: 1. No sale of bread to minors. 2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers. 3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread. 4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage. 5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools. This article was written by B.S. Wheatberry in a desert after consuming mass quantities of yeast bread then realizing his canteen was empty. --------------- ZEN SARCASM 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. In fact, just leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. 14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 16. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 21. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. ---------------------------- Why Can't I Own a Canadian? Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident. It's funny, as well as informative: Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them: When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted fan, Jim ------------------- Interesting Real Facts (Strange but True) - You might know SOME of these, but some will amaze you! 1 The total surface area of the Earth is 197 million square miles. 2 Crocodile only animal & reptile that sheds tear while eating. 3 The world’s deadliest recorded earthquake occurred in 1557 in central China, more than 830,000 people were killed. 4 Angel Falls in Venezuela is the worlds highest waterfall, The water of Falls drops 3,212 feet (979 meters). 5 The sunrays reached at the earth in 8 minutes & 3 seconds. 6 8.7 million of United State residents who were born in Asia. 7 The world’s population has been increased 3.1 billion in last 40 years. 8 180 million nos. of Valentine’s Day cards exchanged annually, making Valentine’s Day the second-most popular greeting-card-giving occasion. 9 3,467 Nos. of confectionery nut stores in the United States, they are among the best sources of sweets for Valentine’s Day. 10 4% people drink cold drink daily. 11 Strangely missing... 12 Traffic lights are being used before the invention of motor car. 13 More than 50 million Americans said they had a disability; for 32.5 million of them, the disability was severe. 14 About 40% Proportion of all Valentine card purchases which parents account for. 15 First Stock Exchange of America was in Philadelphia & it was established in 1791. 16 Girls however are slightly more likely than boys to use home computers for e-mail, word processing and completing school assignments than playing games. 17 A normal person laughs five times in a day. 18 Approximate 300 million film tickets are sold every year in India. 19 In Britain 70% mothers go for work. 20 More artists live in California than any other state in the United States. There are 10,000 arts organizations in California. 21 Alfred Southwick developed the idea of using electric current & Professionally he was a Dentist (MDS, DDS). 22 A man says average 4850 words in 24 hours. 23 The world's populaton is approximately 6.53 billion (2006), India & China represent 36.92% of the world's populations. 24 Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo kabushikigaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer. 25 40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals. 26 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled. 27 Chocolate can be killed dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog. 28 Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine. 29 Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time. 30 Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. 31 There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. 32 Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips. 33 Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm. 34 The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby"! 35 By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand. 36 Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there. 37 Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. 38 The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. 39 Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the entire Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. 40 Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor. 41 The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. 42 To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly. 43 The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. 44 The "pound" (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp. 45 The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. 46 Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. 47 The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. 48 Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt". 49 It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. 50 In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off". 51 A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head. 52 We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime. 53 Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines. 54 Mexico City sinks abut 10 inches a year. 55 Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV. 56 Blue is the favorite color of 80 percent of Americans. 57 When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying "yes" in Sri Lanka. 58 There are more chickens than people in the world. 59 The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest. 60 There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C. 61 The average four year-old child asks over four hundred questions a day. 62 The average person presses the snooze button on their alarm clock three Times each morning. 63 The three wealthiest families in the world have more assets than the Combined wealth of the forty-eight poorest nations. 64 The first owner of the Marlboro cigarette Company died of lung cancer. 65 Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. 66 The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. 67 Our eyes remain the same size from birth onward, but our noses and ears Never stop growing. 68 You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV. 69 A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a Few weeks. 70 Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying. 71 The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. 72 When the moon is directly overhead, you weigh slightly less. 73 Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never telephoned His wife or mother because they were both deaf. 74 A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a Carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After Weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe Leaving her mentally retarded 75 Colgate faced a big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking Countries because Colgate translates into the command "go hang Yourself." 76 Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different. 77 "Bookkeeper" is the only word in English language with three consecutive Double letters. 78 The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every Letter in the English language. 79 If the population of China walked past you in single line, the line Would never end because of the rate of reproduction 80 China has more English speakers than the United States. 81 Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell. 82 Each square inch of human skin consists of twenty feet of blood vessels. 83 An average person uses the bathroom 6 times per day. 84 Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only 206 in our Bodies. 85 Beards are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. If the average Man never trimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his Lifetime. 86 According to Genesis 1:20-22, the chicken came before the egg. 87 The longest place name still in use is: Taumatawhakatangihangaoauauotameteaturi- Pukakpikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu - a New Zealand hill. 88 If you leave Tokyo by plane at 7:00am, you will arrive in Honolulu at Approximately 4:30pm the previous day. 89 Scientists in Australia's Parkes Observatory thought they had positive Proof of alien life, when they began picking up radio-waves from space. However, after investigation, the radio emissions were traced to a Microwave in the building. 90 More than 40,000 parasites and 250 types of bacteria are exchanged during a French kiss. 91 Men can read smaller print than women, but women can hear better. 92 Coca-Cola was originally green. 93 The most common name in the world is Mohammed. 94 There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. 95 TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. 96 Women blink nearly twice as much as men!! 97 You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. 98 It is impossible to lick your elbow. 99 It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky. 100 The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language. 101 If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. 102 Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, Diamonds - Julius Caesar. 103 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 104 If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. 105 If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. 106 If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. 107 Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this? Ans. - Honey 108 A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. 109 A snail can sleep for three years. 110 All polar bears are left handed. 111 American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class. 112 Butterflies taste with their feet. 113 Elephants are the only mammal that can't jump. 114 In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. 115 On average, people fear spiders more than they do death. 116 Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'. 117 Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand. 118 The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. 119 The electric chair was invented by a dentist. 120 The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. 121 Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants. 122 The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. 123 Most lipstick contains fish scales. 124 And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow. ----------------- An then there are the Human World Facts: The women of the Tiwi tribe in the South Pacific are married at birth. When Albert Einstein died, his final words died with him. The nurse at his side didn't understand German. St Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, was not Irish. The lance ceased to be an official battle weapon in the British Army -- in 1927. St. John was the only one of the 12 Apostles to die a natural death. Gabriel, Michael and Lucifer (more commonly known as Satan) are the only 3 angels to be named in the bible. According to Genesis all demons are angels who were cast out of heaven after Lucifer tried to take God's throne and several of the other angels bowed down and worshiped him. Many sailors used to wear gold earrings so that they could afford a proper burial when they died. Some very Orthodox Jew refuse to speak Hebrew, believing it to be a language reserved only for the Prophets. A South African monkey was once awarded a medal and promoted to the rank of corporal during World War I. Born 4 January 1838, General Tom Thumb's growth slowed at the age of 6 months, at 5 years he was signed to the circus by P.T. Barnum, and at adulthood reached a height of only 1 metre. Because they had no proper rubbish disposal system, the streets of ancient Mesopotamia became literally knee-deep in rubbish. The Toltecs, Seventh-century native Mexicans, went into battle with wooden swords so as not to kill their enemies. China banned the pigtail in 1911 as it was seen as a symbol of feudalism. The Amayra guides of Bolivia are said to be able to keep pace with a trotting horse for a distance of 100 kilometres. Sliced bread was patented by a jeweller, Otto Rohwedder, in 1928. He had been working on it for 16 years, having started in 1912. Before it was stopped by the British, it was the not uncommon for women in some area's of India to choose to be burnt alive on their husband's funeral pyre. Ivan the terrible claimed to have 'deflowered thousands of virgins and butchered a similar number of resulting offspring'. Before the Second World War, it was considered a sacrilege to even touch an Emperor of Japan. An American aircraft in Vietnam shot itself down with one of its own missiles. The Anglo-Saxons believed Friday to be such an unlucky day that they ritually slaughtered any child unfortunate enough to be born on that day. During the eighteenth century, laws had to be brought in to curb the seemingly insatiable appetite for gin amongst the poor. Their annual intake was as much as five million gallons. Ancient drinkers warded off the devil by clinking their cups The Nobel Prize resulted form a late change in the will of Alfred Nobel, who did not want to be remembered after his death as a propagator of violence - he invented dynamite. The cost of the first pay-toilets installed in England was tuppence. Pogonophobia is the fear of beards. In 1647 the English Parliament abolished Christmas. Mao Rse-Tang, the first chairman of the Chinese Communist Party, was born 26 December 1893. Before his rise to power, he occupied the humble position of Assistant Librarian at the University of Peking. Coffee is the second largest item of international commerce in the world. The largest is petrol. King George III was declared violently insane in 1811, 9 years before he died. In Ancient Peru, when a woman found an 'ugly' potato, it was the custom for her to push it into the face of the nearest man. For Roman Catholics, 5 January is St Simeon Stylites' Day. He was a fifth-century hermit who showed his devotion to God by spending literally years sitting on top of a huge flagpole. When George I became King of England in 1714, his wife did not become Queen. He placed her under house arrest for 32 years. The richest 10 per cent of the French people are approximately fifty times better off than the poorest 10 per cent. Henry VII was the only British King to be crowned on the field of battle During World War One, the future Pope John XXIII was a sergeant in the Italian Army. Richard II died aged 33 in 1400. A hole was left in the side of his tomb so people could touch his royal head, but 376 years later some took advantage of this and stole his jawbone. The magic word "Abracadabra" was originally intended for the specific purpose of curing hay fever. The Puritans forbade the singing of Christmas Carols, judging them to be out of keeping with the true spirit of Christmas. Albert Einstein was once offered the Presidency of Israel. He declined saying he had no head for problems. Uri Geller, the professional psychic was born on December 20 1946. As to the origin of his alleged powers, Mr Geller maintains that they come from the distant planet of Hoova. Ralph and Carolyn Cummins had 5 children between 1952 and 1966, all were born on the 20 February. John D. Rockefeller gave away over US$ 500,000,000 during his lifetime. Only 1 child in 20 are born on the day predicted by the doctor. In the 1970's, the Rhode Island Legislature in the US entertained a proposal that there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse in the State. Widows in equatorial Africa actually wear sackcloth and ashes when attending a funeral. The 'Hundred Years War' lasted 116 years. The British did not release the body of Napoleon Bonaparte to the French until twenty days after his death. Admiral Lord Nelson was less than 1.6 metres tall. John Glenn, the American who first orbited the Earth, was showered with 3,529 tonnes of ticker tape when he got back. Native American Indians used to name their children after the first thing they saw as they left their tepees subsequent to the birth. Hence such strange names as Sitting Bull and Running Water. Catherine the First of Russia, made a rule that no man was allowed to get drunk at one of her parties before nine o'clock. Queen Elizabeth I passed a law which forced everyone except for the rich to wear a flat cap on Sundays. In 1969 the shares of the Australian company 'Poseidon' were worth $1, one year later they were worth $280 each. Julius Caesar wore a laurel wreath to cover the onset of baldness. Ernest Bevin, Minister of Labour during World War II, left school at the age of eleven. At the age of 12, Martin Luther King became so depressed he tried committing suicide twice, by jumping out of his bedroom window. It is illegal to be a prostitute in Siena, Italy, if your name is Mary. The Turk's consider it considered unlucky to step on a piece of bread. The authorities do not allow tourists to take pictures of Pygmies in Zambia. The Dutch in general prefer their french fries with mayonnaise. Upon the death of F.D. Roosevelt, Harry S Truman became the President of America on 12 April 1945. The initial S in the middle of his name doesn't in fact mean anything. Both his grandfathers had names beginning with 'S', and so Truman's mother didn't want to disappoint either of them. Sir Isaac Newton was obsessed with the occult and the supernatural. One of Queen Victoria's wedding gifts was a 3 metre diameter, half tonne cheese. Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never phoned his wife or his mother, they were both deaf. It was considered unfashionable for Venetian women, during the Renaissance to have anything but silvery-blonde hair. Queen Victoria was one of the first women ever to use chloroform to combat pain during childbirth. Peter the Great had the head of his wife's lover cut off and put into a jar of preserving alcohol, which he then ordered to be placed by her bed. The car manufacturer Henry Ford was awarded Hitler's Grand Cross of the Supreme Order of the German Eagle. Henry Ford was the inventor of the assembly line, and Hitler used this knowledge of the assembly line to speed up production, and to create better and interchangeable products. Atilla the Hun is thought to have been a dwarf. The warriors tribes of Ethiopia used to hang the testicles of those they killed in battle on the ends of their spears. On 15 April 1912 the SS Titanic sunk on her maiden voyage and over 1,500 people died. Fourteen years earlier a novel was published by Morgan Robertson which seemed to foretell the disaster. The book described a ship the same size as the Titanic which crashes into an iceberg on its maiden voyage on a misty April night. The name of Robertson's fictional ship was the Titan. There are over 200 religious denominations in the United States. Eau de Cologne was originally marketed as a way of protecting yourself against the plague. Charles the Simple was the grandson of Charles the Bald, both were rulers of France. Theodor Herzi, the Zionist leader who was born on May 2 1860, once had the astonishing idea of converting Jews to Christianity as a way of combating anti-Semitism. The women of an African tribe make themselves more attractive by permanently scaring their faces. Augustus II, the Elector of Saxony and King of Poland seemed to have a prodigious sexual appetite, and fathered hundreds of illegitimate children during his lifetime. Some moral purists in the Middle Ages believed that women's ears ought to be covered up because the Virgin May had conceived a child through them. Hindus don't like dying in bed, they prefer to die beside a river. While at Havard University, Edward Kennedy was suspended for cheating on a Spanish exam. It is a criminal offence to drive around in a dirty car in Russia. The Emperor Caligula once decided to go to war with the Roman God of the sea, Poseidon, and ordered his soldiers to throw their spears into the water at random. The Ecuadorian poet, José Olmedo, has a statue in his honour in his home country. But, unable to commission a sculptor, due to limited funds, the government brought a second-hand statue .. Of the English poet Lord Byron. In 1726, at only 7 years old, Charles Sauson inherited the post of official executioner. Sir Winston Churchill rationed himself to 15 cigars a day. On 7 January 1904 the distress call 'CQD' was introduced. 'CQ' stood for 'Seek You' and 'D' for 'Danger'. This lasted only until 1906 when it was replaced with 'SOS'. Though it is forbidden by the Government, many Indians still adhere to the caste system which says that it is a defilement for even the shadow of a person from a lowly caste to fall on a Braham ( a member of the highest priestly caste). In parts of Malaya, the women keep harems of men. The childrens' nursery rhyme 'Ring-a-Ring-a-Roses' actually refers to the Black Death which killed about 30 million people in the fourteenth-century. The word 'denim' comes from 'de Nimes', Nimes being the town the fabric was originally produced. During the reign of Elizabeth I, there was a tax put on men's beards. Idi Amin, one of the most ruthless tyrants in the world, before coming to power, served in the British Army. Some Eskimos have been known to use refrigerators to keep their food from freezing. It is illegal to play tennis in the streets of Cambridge. Custer was the youngest General in US history, he was promoted at the age of 23. It costs more to send someone to reform school than it does to send them to Eton. The American pilot Charles Lindbergh received the Service Cross of the German Eagle form Hermann Goering in 1938. The active ingredient in Chinese Bird's nest soup is saliva. Marie Currie, who twice won the Nobel Prize, and discovered radium, was not allowed to become a member of the prestigious French Academy because she was a woman. It was quite common for the men of Ancient Greece to exercise in public .. naked. John Paul Getty, once the richest man in the world, had a payphone in his mansion. Iceland is the world's oldest functioning democracy. Adolf Eichmann (responsible for countless Jewish deaths during World war II), was originally a travelling salesman for the Vacuum Oil Co. of Austria. The national flag of Italy was designed by Napoleon Bonaparte. The Matami Tribe of West Africa play a version of football, the only difference being that they use a human skull instead of a more normal ball. John Winthrop introduced the fork to the American dinner table for the first time on 25 June 1630. Elizabeth Blackwell, born in Bristol, England on 3 February 1821, was the first woman in America to gain an M.D. degree. Abraham Lincoln was shot with a Derringer. The great Russian leader, Lenin died 21 January 1924, suffering from a degenerative brain disorder. At the time of his death his brain was a quarter of its normal size. When shipped to the US, the London bridge ( thought by the new owner to be the more famous Tower Bridge ) was classified by US customs to be a 'large antique'. Sir Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' cloakroom after his mother went into labour during a dance at Blenheim Palace. In 1849, David Atchison became President of the United States for just one day, and he spent most of the day sleeping. Between the two World War's, France was controlled by forty different governments. The 'Crystal Palace' at the Great Exhibition of 1851, contained 92 900 square metres of glass. It was the custom in Ancient Rome for the men to place their right hand on their testicles when taking an oath. The modern term 'testimony' is derived from this tradition. Sir Winston Churchill's mother was descended from a Red Indian. The study of stupidity is called 'monology'. Hindu men believe(d) it to be unluckily to marry a third time. They could avoid misfortune by marring a tree first. The tree ( his third wife ) was then burnt, freeing him to marry again. More money is spent each year on alcohol and cigarettes than on Life insurance. In 1911 3 men were hung for the murder of Sir Edmund Berry at Greenbury Hill, their last names were Green, Berry , and Hill. A firm in Britain sold fall-out shelters for pets. During the seventeen century , the Sultan of Turkey ordered his entire harem of women drowned, and replace with a new one. Lady Astor once told Winston Churchill 'if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee'. His reply …' if you were my wife, I would drink it ! '. There are no clocks in Las Vegas casinos. The Great Pyramid of Giza consists of 2,300,000 blocks each weighing 2.5 tons. On 9 February 1942, soap rationing began in Britain. Paul Revere was a dentist. The Budget speech on April 17 1956 saw the introduction of Premium Savings Bonds into Britain. The machine which picks the winning numbers is called "Ernie", an abbreviation, which stands for' electronic random number indicator equipment'. Chop-suey is not a native Chinese dish, it was created in California by Chinese immigrants. The Russian mystic, Rasputin, was the victim of a series of murder attempts on this day in 1916. The assassins poisoned, shot and stabbed him in quick succession, but they found they were unable to finish him off. Rasputin finally succumbed to the ice-cold waters of a river. Bonnie Prince Charlie, the leader of the Jacobite rebellion to depose of George II of England, was born 31 December 1720. Considered a great Scottish hero, he spent his final years as a drunkard in Rome. The Liberal Prime Minister, William Gladstone, was born of the 29th December 1809. Apparently, as a result of his strong Puritan impulses, Gladstone kept a selection of whips in his cellar with which he regularly chastised himself. A parthenophobic has a fear of virgins. South American gauchos were known to put raw steak under their saddles before starting a day's riding, in order to tenderise the meat. There are 240 white dots in a Pacman arcade game. In 1939 the US political party 'The American Nazi Party' had 200,000 members. King Solomon of Israel had about 700 wives as well as hundreds of mistresses. Urine was once used to wash clothes. North American Indian, Sitting Bull, died on 15 December 1890. His bones were laid to rest in North Dakota, but a business group wanted him moved to a 'more natural' site in South Dakota. Their campaign was rejected so they stole the bones, and they now reside in Sitting Bull Park, South Dakota. St Nicholas, the original Father Christmas, is the patron saint of thieves, virgins and communist Russia. Dublin is home of the Fairy Investigation Society. Fourteen million people were killed in World War I, twenty million died in a flu epidemic in the years that followed. People in Siberia often buy milk frozen on a stick. Princess Ann was the only competitor at the 1976 Montreal Olympics that did not have to undergo a sex test. Ethelred the Unready, King of England in the Tenth-century, spent his wedding night in bed with his wife and his mother-in-law. Coffins which are due for cremation are usually made with plastic handles. Blackbird, who was the chief of Omaha Indians, was buried sitting on his favourite horse. The two highest IQ's ever recorded (on a standard test) both belong to women. The Tory Prime Minister, Benjamin Disreali, was born 21 December 1804. He was noted for his oratory and had a number of memorable exchanges in the House with his great rival William Gladstone. Asked what the difference between a calamity and a misfortune was Disreali replied: 'If Gladstone fell into the Thames it would be a misfortune, but if someone pulled him out again, it would be a calamity'. The Imperial Throne of Japan has been occupied by the same family for the last thirteen hundred years. In the seventeenth-century a Boston man was sentenced to two hours in the stocks for obscene behaviour, his crime, kissing his wife in a public place on a Sunday. President Kaunda of Zambia once threatened to resign if his fellow countrymen didn't stop drinking so much alcohol. Due to staggering inflation in the 1920's, 4,000,000,000,000,000,000 German marks were worth 1 US dollar. Gorgias of Epirus was born during preparation of his mothers funeral. The city of New York contains a district called 'Hell's Kitchen'. The city of Hiroshima left the Industrial Promotion Centre standing as a monument the atomic bombing. During the Medieval Crusades, transporting bodies off the battlefield for burial was a major problem, this was solved by carrying a huge cauldron into the Holy wars, boiling down the bodies, and taking only the bones with them. A ten-gallon hat holds three-quarters of a gallon. George Washington grew marijuana in his garden. ------------------ Top Ten Signs You're a FUNDAMENTALIST Christian 10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours. 9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt. 8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God. 7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees! 6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky. 5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old. 4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving." 3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity. 2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God. 1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian. -------------------- .jpg) Every Wonder Where Easter Eggs Come From???   Apology Sorry – you have reached The End of the Internet This is the VERY last page. There are no more links. No more exciting sites to visit – NOTHING. Please turn off your computer and get a life!!! Thank you for visiting the INTERNET.  That's All Folks!!! 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