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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 23rd of February, 2007
Fun Links:
Mark your calendar: On March 3, 2007, the Moon will
turn red during a total lunar eclipse visible from parts of all
seven continents, including the eastern half of the United States.
http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y2007/12feb_lunareclipse.htm?list196147
Moskito Island in the North Sound of Virgin Gorda is
Sold: BVI Pirate Story and Treasure Map: Jetman (really!): At least these guys would never get caught speeding... http://www.usatoday.com/money/autos/2007-02-19-odometer-usat_x.htm Enjoy the Jokes! Ed -------------------- Quotes When you're arguing with a dummy, make sure he isn't doing the same thing.~ Jonathan Korphage Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. ~Wendell Johnson If everybody thought before they spoke, the silence would be deafening. ~George Barzan Never miss a good chance to shut up. ~Will Rogers CBS's multimillion dollar woman, Katie Couric, while interviewing a Marine sniper, asked: "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?" The Marine shrugged and replied: "Recoil." "Yesterday, the British government announced they're going to begin pulling their troops out of Iraq. Of course, it could take them a while because they're flying home on JetBlue." --Conan O'Brien "Denmark and Lithuania have also announced that they're pulling their troops from Iraq. Actually, it's just one guy who's half Danish and half Lithuanian. " --Conan O'Brien "The '08 race heating up. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have both set up MySpace pages. ... Barack has twice as many MySpace friends as Hillary. In fact, Obama's MySpace page is almost as impressive as Bill Clinton's page on Match.com." --Conan O'Brien "Britney Spears' hair is being sold on eBay. The price has skyrocketed to $1 million. But a collector who owns a lock of Abraham Lincoln's hair says that it's really only worth $5,000. So, everyone just calm down and listen to the clear-headed advice of the guy who owns Abraham Lincoln's hair." --Conan O'Brien "Lots of people giving up things for Lent. Tony Blair is giving up the war in Iraq." --Jay Leno "The British announced they are pulling their troops out of Iraq. Dick Cheney immediately called it good news. He said it is a sign we are winning." --Jay Leno "Senator Barack Obama was in Los Angeles last night for a huge campaign fundraiser. That shows you what a great country this is -- when an African-American with a Kansas mother and a Kenyan father, who spent time growing up in Indonesia and is running for president, spending time in a state where Spanish-speaking people have elected an Austrian governor." --Jay Leno "Today in Japan, the vice president made a visit to the USS Kitty Hawk. As the vice president boarded the ship, he was given with a 19-gun salute. And then two Navy sailors were injured when Cheney returned fire." --Jay Leno "Vice President Dick Cheney was in Japan. He stepped off the airplane in Tokyo and flashed that winning sneer. ... Right now he's in Australia. And just for fun, he shot a koala bear." --David Letterman "Things getting very nasty in Washington. Today the White House denied an assertion by Senator Harry Reid that the Iraq war is 'the worst foreign policy mistake in U.S. history.' The White House said, 'You have to realize that President Bush has two more years in office.'" --Conan O'Brien "Earlier today, President Bush spoke on the phone with the prime minister of Australia. When the prime minister told him it was tomorrow in Australia, Bush's head exploded." --Conan O'Brien "Bad news for President Bush. He wants us to stay the course, but even our closest ally is saying no. Prime Minister Tony Blair announced the withdrawal of 1,500 British troops and says that more than half of their troops could be pulled by this summer. Coincidentally, the announcement comes the day after Prince Harry volunteered to go fight over in Iraq. Maybe that's the way to get our troops out -- we send Billy Bush to Iraq." --Jimmy Kimmel "The British are pulling out. Slovakia is now pulling out. Canada already pulled out. So has Italy, Spain, Portugal, Japan, the Netherlands, Bulgaria, Nicaragua, Honduras, the Dominican Republic, Norway, Thailand and Singapore. Basically, it is just us and the Jamaicans now. And that's mostly because they just don't know where they are." --Jimmy Kimmel "I know you're saying to yourselves where is Vice President Dick Cheney. Right now he's in Tokyo ... taking part in a pep rally for United States troops. Because when you think Dick Cheney, you think pep." --David Letterman "In 2036, an asteroid is going to hit Earth. ... Talk about pressures for President Bush. The question President Bush has been asking himself all day is 'Where is Superman?'" --David Letterman "It's not that far away -- the 2008 presidential race. Today Mitt Romney ... was declared a safe alternative to Lunesta." --David Letterman "Did you all have a nice Presidents' Day yesterday? President Bush marked the occasion in his usual way -- by ignoring the other two branches of government." --Jay Leno "Ricky Martin -- you know, he's a big Bush supporter and performed at George Bush's first inauguration -- is condemning President Bush and the Iraq war now at his concerts. Ricky Martin wants us out of Iraq now. Of course the Bush administration has not commented. They're still waiting to hear from Marc Anthony." --Jay Leno "Hillary Clinton is being pressed on why she hasn't apologized for voting in favor of the war in Iraq. This week, in a reply, Hillary actually told voters who were upset about this: 'You have other choices.' Something, of course, Bill already knows." --Jay Leno "A team of astronauts, engineers and scientists have asked the United Nations to make plans to deflect a giant asteroid that could hit Earth on April 13, 2036. There's a one in 45,000 chance it could hit. So it's about the same chance Joe Biden has of being president." --Jay Leno "Today is Presidents' Day ... where we honor presidents ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth. And Bill Clinton who couldn't tell the difference." --Jay Leno "Congress is now trying to pass a bill that would require health insurers to cover more costs for the mentally ill. Once again, Congress looking out for themselves" --Jay Leno "In honor of Presidents' Day, President Bush put a call in to his dad, Jimmy Carter, and the black guy from '24.'" --Conan O'Brien "The latest political rumor is that if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency, she will be replaced in the Senate by her husband, Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Bill Clinton said, 'I dream of replacing Hillary every day.'" --Conan O'Brien "Today, for the first time ever, New Jersey allowed homosexuals to enter into civil unions. Now they just have to find a homosexual who will admit they live in New Jersey." --Conan O'Brien "He still believes that on Presidents' Day, Abraham Lincoln flies around the world on a coal shovel delivering gifts to all the good little presidents. He leaves cookies out for Grover Cleveland" --Jimmy Kimmel, on how Bush celebrates President's Day "The president had another press conference this weekend. He was really banging the war drum about Iran. He said after 9/11, Katrina and Iraq, he wants to go out with just one more giant f**k up." --Bill Maher "He said the Iranians are sending weapons into Iraq. He's sure it's reliable intelligence, 'cause this time he was in the room when they made it up." --Bill Maher "The House passed a non-binding resolution against the surge. Bush says he can't wait to get it to his imaginary desk and veto it with his air pen. He said, 'I've got my own non-binding resolution. It's called the United States Constitution.'" --Bill Maher "The president is standing by his surge. He wants the surge, but he leaves hope for a pull-out. That, to me, says it all about President Charles-in-Charge. He's always backwards. ... Anyone who's ever seen a porn movie knows you pull-out and then you surge." --Bill Maher ----------------- The Perfect Husband: Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked" MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000" MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" -------------- Communication Subtlety A man was eating a meal at a restaurant. He checks his pockets and leaves his tip -- three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves." The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough." "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too." "And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too." ----------------- Respect My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!" -------------------- Golf The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"? He looked her right in the eye -- and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?" ---------------------------- How old is Grandpa??? One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before: ' television ' penicillin ' polio shots ' frozen foods ' Xerox ' contact lenses ' Frisbees and ' the pill There were no: ' credit cards ' laser beams or ' ball-point pens Man had not invented: ' pantyhose ' air conditioners ' dishwashers ' clothes dryers ' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and ' man hadn't yet walked on the moon Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir". And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir." We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums. We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5&10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . .. . but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day: ' "grass" was mowed, ' "coke" was a cold drink, ' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and ' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. ' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, ' "chip" meant a piece of wood, ' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and ' "software" wasn't even a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am? This man would be only 60 years old -------------------- See What 50 years Will Do Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack. 1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack. 2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled. 2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students. 1956 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class. 2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability. Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping. 1956 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist. Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school. 1956 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock. 2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant. 1956 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers. 2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time. Scenario: Pedro fails high school English. 1956: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college. 2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English. Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed. 1956 - Ants die. 2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him. 1956 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Is something wrong here??? ----------------- More Differences Between Men and Women... 1.NAMES If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. 2.EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. 3.MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale. 4.BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. 5.ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument. 6.CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. 7.FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 8.SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 9.MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does. 10.DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. 11.NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 12.OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. AND FINALLY.... A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." --------------------   That's All Folks!!! Click Here to return to the home page...
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