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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 17th of February, 2007
Fun Links:
Internet Airfares - ever notice how fares keep going up
everytime you check them on-line?
http://www.traveltalkonline.com/forums/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=633389&an=0&page=0&gonew=1#UNREAD Video of the week: Homeowners discover a furtively flushing feline is the source of their huge water bills. http://youtube.com/watch?v=WofFb_eOxxA Video demonstrates how some locks are vulnerable to the technique of "key bumping." http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5177213949300140850 SATURN AT ITS BEST: This weekend Saturn will be at its closest to Earth for all of 2007. The planet rises in the east at sunset and soars nearly overhead at midnight. To the naked eye, Saturn resembles a bright yellow star. Through a backyard telescope, it materializes as a spectacular ring world. Even small telescopes yield pleasing views. Take a look! VENUS PILLARS: While Saturn rises in the east, Venus sets in the west. If you watch Venus sink toward the horizon on a cold night, you might see it sprout vertical columns of light known as Venus pillars. Today's edition of Spaceweather.com features rare photos of these pillars and explains what they are. Visit http://spaceweather.com Enjoy the Jokes! Ed -------------------- Political Quotes Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy. ~Ernest Benn Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton Politicians say they're beefing up our economy. Most don't know beef from pork. ~Harold Lowman He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech. ~Richard Darman, director of the Office of Management and Budget, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers ------------------- "Even in Washington, everybody's into Valentine's Day. In fact today, Vice President Dick Cheney shot Cupid in the face." --Jay Leno "In the latest count, there are now 25 politicians running for president -- and 15 of them also claim to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby." --Jay Leno "Supreme Court Justice Scalia's daughter was arrested in Illinois for DUI and child endangerment. She says she's gonna fight it all the way to the Supreme Court." --Jay Leno "The FAA is very close to raising the retirement age of pilots. ... That means pretty soon both astronauts and pilots will be wearing diapers." --Jay Leno "Al Gore will be speaking at this year's Democratic Convention -- or as we call it, the Oscars." --Jay Leno "Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. ... I think everybody has Valentine's Day fever. Hillary Clinton, for example, will be wearing her sexiest pant suit" --David Letterman "In a recent interview, First Lady Laura Bush said that President Bush always forgets Valentine's Day. The First Lady went on to say that unless a holiday has a bunny or a flying reindeer, forget it." --Conan O'Brien "Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney announced he's running for president. If he wins, he'd be the first Mormon president. Apparently, Romney is planning on winning the soccer mom vote by marrying all of them." --Conan O'Brien "We have another presidential candidate. Mitt Romney is running on the Republican ticket. If you're anything like me, you don't know Mitt Romney from Roma Downey. ... I really like his campaign slogan. Have you seen it? 'Mitt Happens'" --Jimmy Kimmel "When Al Gore presented the 'Best Album' award to the Red Hot Chili Peppers at the Grammys, Al Gore said because of global warming, the Chili Peppers are now 20% hotter than they were 20 years ago." --Jay Leno "The number one movie at the box office is Eddie Murphy's 'Norbit', where Eddie Murphy plays a huge fat woman. Or, as Bill Clinton calls it, 'Dreamgirls.'" --Jay Leno "You all watch the Grammys last night? The Dixie Chicks won five Grammys. I don't want to say President Bush was upset, but today he tried to get the Supreme Court to overturn the ballot results. It only works once." --Jay Leno "Al Gore thanked the music industry for helping to protect the environment. Really? Because I think Snoop Dogg has alone put enough smoke in the atmosphere." --Jay Leno "I really had to hand it to the Academy for sticking it to Al Gore. There's no better way to welcome a radical, left-wing eco-nutjob than with a forest worth of confetti." --Stephen Colbert "But the big story of the night was, of course, the Dixie Chicks, who won five awards. ... At first, I thought the Chicks were a little rude in the acceptance speech. They forgot to thank all the terrorists who made their artistic vision a reality." --Stephen Colbert "Over the weekend, Senator Barack Obama announced he's running for president. ... Obama gave a speech in front of thousands of people in Iowa. During the speech, Obama pointed out his family in the crowd, which was unnecessary since he was in Iowa." --Conan O'Brien "Today is Abraham Lincoln's birthday. ... Lincoln once said, 'a House divided against itself cannot stand.' A very famous quote later proved wrong by the Clintons." --Jay Leno "If Ralph Nader runs for president in 2008, it will make history. He will be the first person to ever run for president four times in the same suit." --Jay Leno "Fashion designer Donatella Versace says that if Hillary Clinton wants to win, she should ditch the trousers. Actually, you know what would improve her chances more? If Bill kept his trousers up." --Jay Leno "This weekend, President Bush gave a speech honoring Abraham Lincoln's birthday. There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Lincoln as 'the guy who invented the penny.'" --Conan O'Brien "Move over crazy astronaut in diapers. The media unleashed a full scale coverage orgy, with CNN at one point going 90 minutes without a commercial. Making the death of Anna Nicole Smith a more significant news event than a State of the Union address and slightly less than 9/11." --Jon Stewart, on media coverage of Ann Nicole Smith's death "Senator Joseph Lieberman said Tuesday that Congress should consider war on terrorism taxes. Or, as they are currently known, taxes." --Seth Meyers "Justice Department officials have determined that a president of the United States does have the legal authority to have someone killed ... in the United States. And today, Bill Clinton withdrew his support for Hillary." --Jay Leno "Earlier today, Senator Barack Obama announced his candidacy for president. Upon hearing the news, Hillary Clinton punched a pillow so hard it turned into a diamond." --Amy Poehler "Senator Obama answered doubts about his inexperience by saying he has gained tremendous insight from his work as a community organizer, civil rights attorney, constitutional law professor, key club president, 4H treasurer, lunch room monitor, two years of jazz, and four years of tap." --Amy Poehler "Famous designer Donatella Versace has recommended that Hillary Clinton stop wearing those pant suits and start wearing dresses and skirts. Versace said Hillary should treat femininity as an opportunity. You know, the way Bill does." --Jay Leno "Many Republicans are upset with ... Speaker Nancy Pelosi's recent demand for regular use of the Air Force's C-32 -- the same type of aircraft the Vice President and the first lady use. They're also not thrilled with her demand to be carried around Washington Cleopatra-style." --Amy Poehler "In an ironic twist, while making a speech on global warming, Al Gore froze to death." --Amy Poehler "The Reverend Ted Haggard, who was forced out of his church after a former male prostitute alleged that Haggard paid him for sex, says that he is now completely heterosexual after attending an intensive, three-week counseling program. You hear that, gay people? Three weeks. Stop being so lazy." --Seth Meyers "After three weeks of therapy and counseling, Reverend Ted Haggard announced he's now completely heterosexual. To prove it, he ate a Snickers bar while pulling out his chest hair." --Jay Leno "The rumor in Hollywood right now is that Al Gore may announce he's running for president during a speech at the Academy Awards. That's right folks, they found a way to make Oscar speeches even more boring." --Conan O'Brien "This Sunday, February 11th, is a very important day in our nation's history. It is the one-year anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting an old man in the face. It is widely regarded as the greatest comedy event of the century. The AARP is using the occasion to remind seniors not to go hunting with the vice president. ... It could turn out to be the least damaging thing the Bush administration ever does." --Jimmy Kimmel "We're learning more and more about that crazy astronaut. ... She told the police that she was involved with another astronaut and that it was more than a working relationship, but less than a romantic relationship. Or, as the Clintons call it, 'marriage.'" --Jay Leno "How about that astronaut? She's been up in the space station and she goes wacky and she puts on a wig and a diaper and drives 900 miles. I'm sorry, call me old fashioned, but I don't recall Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong getting all worked up like this. That's just what we need, a bunch of sex-crazed astronauts up there hitting on Martians." --David Letterman "I thought the only space traveler who wore a wig and an adult diaper was William Shatner." --David Letterman "Presidential candidate Barack Obama says he's going to quit smoking. Which is good news for Hillary Clinton. Now that he's breathing down her neck, she won't have to worry about second-hand smoke." --Jay Leno "You know, so many places ban smoking in public that if Barack wanted to smoke, he'd have to go somewhere where no one was around ... like a Joe Biden rally." --Jay Leno "Here is this funny story I saw on the news last night. Seems this couple was walking down the street in Washington, DC, and they pass actor Will Smith. ... And they thought it was Barack Obama. They stopped and said they were voting for him in 2008. Actually, same thing happened to Elton John. People thought he was Hillary." --Jay Leno "The big rumor is that Al Gore might announce he's running for president at the Academy Awards. That will be a first. Someone at the Oscars talking about politics who actually knows what they are talking about." --Jay Leno "The mayor of San Francisco announced that he is entering rehab. Nice to see him entering something that's not married." --Jay Leno "Cold out there, huh? So cold today that Saddam Hussein was happy to be in hell. ... So cold that Iran is attempting to enrich hot coco. ... So cold they had to chisel that whacky astronaut out of her diaper. ... The cold weather in New York City causes pot holes. This city has more holes than a NASA screening process." --David Letterman "This week a NASA astronaut attempted to kidnap another astronaut's girlfriend using a BB gun, mallet and pepper spray after driving 900 miles wearing a diaper. Which would all be amazing except that the Russians got a monkey to do it last year." --Conan O'Brien ---------------------------- Bear Hunting The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly. As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom." "Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?" ---------------- A Real Coincidence? Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government. However, you may NOT know that in the month of March, 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.; Hillary Rodham; John F. Kerry; William Jefferson Clinton; Howard Dean; Nancy Pelosi; Dianne Feinstein; Charles E. Schumer; and Barbara Boxer were born. I'd say that clears up a lot of things. (Do me a favor – don’t look up those birth dates! ;-) ---------------------- The Ten Commandments This is the little-known tale of how God came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments. God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. "What's a commandment?" they asked. "Well, its like, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," replied God. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way. That would ruin our weekends." So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?" "Well," said God, "its like, Thou Shalt Not Steal." The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy." So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?" God said, "They're free." The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN! ------------------ Water An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes." The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!" "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want." The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?" The Arab rasped "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie. -------------------- Living Life Backwards I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap, and then. You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case. ----------------- 
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As of January 1st I have became more physically active.
I have been riding 5 miles everyday.
If any of you would like to join my Bike Club, please let me know and we can make arrangements. I think it would be appropriate to ride somewhere between 4:00 and 7:00pm. We can call it happy hour, if it will make you say yes. I have enclosed a photo of my bike... 
------------------ I found this beautiful, well written winter poem and thought it might bring comfort to you. Enjoy! " WINTER " a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre  Damn!
It's Cold!
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