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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 2nd of
February, 2007
A Visit to Salt Island
Read all about Salt Island at:
http://bviwelcome.com/articles/salt/index.html
...and all about Island Seasonings:
http://www.b-v-i.com/Cooking/Seasonings/seasonings.htm
Fun Links:
Chicago celebrates Da Bears in lights:
http://www.chicagotribune.com/sports/football/bears/chi-070131bearslights-photogallery,0,2053845.photogallery?coll=chi-homepagepromo440-fea&index=3
PC Display Cleaner - click on the following link to
clean your display:
http://szillat.org/downloads/cleaner.pps
"We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel with
pictures:
http://home.uchicago.edu/~yli5/Flash/Fire.html
Debunking Mayonnaise Myths:
http://www.co.yakima.wa.us/health/documents/mayoo.pdf
Frozen Niagara Falls:
http://www.snopes.com/photos/natural/niagarafalls.asp
Enjoy the Jokes!
Ed
Go Bears!
In order to save his marriage, a brilliant Bears fan
married to a slow-witted Colts fan agrees to undergo experimental
brain surgery to lower his IQ so that he too can root for the Colts.
After the procedure, as he's being wheeled into recovery, the
surgeon goes up to the man's wife. "I have awful news," he says. "We
accidentally removed too much brain tissue, and the outlook for your
husband is grim."
"Oh no, Doctor," says the wife, "what will that mean for him?!?"
Then, to her horror, she hears her husband weakly moaning: "Let's...
go... Lions..."
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It will be sad to see another colt put down as Barbaro's passing
still lies heavily on our hearts.
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Q. What kind of gift do you get Devin Hester?
A. Nothing, he's just going to return it.
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Q. What's the difference between a winning Raiders team and a UFO?
A. Someone has seen a UFO.
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While at the Fountain Blue Hotel in Miami, a Colts fan is trapped in
an elevator with a angry lion, a hungry alligator, and another
Chicago Bears fan. The Colts fan also has a gun with only two
bullets. To survive, who does the Colts Fan shoot?
Answer: The Chicago Bears fan, TWICE!!
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Q: Why is Payton Manning glad that they are playing the Bears in the
Super Bowl?
A: Because if he loses, at least a Manning still gets a Super Bowl
ring (Ricky Manning)
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Q. Why can't the Colts ever be serious to win the SUPERBOWL?
A. Because they're always horsing around.
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C OUNT
O N
L OSING
T HE
S UPERBOWL
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Q. Three people are riding in a car, two Vikings player and a cop.
Who is driving?
A. Naturally, it's the cop ...
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Q: Why is Peyton Manning so excited about going to the Super Bowl?
A: He knows it's the only way Eli will ever get to go.
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Q: Why did it take the Colts so long to get to the Super Bowl?
A: They could not ride their horses.
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Q. What is the difference between the Colts and Cheerios?
A. Cheerios BELONG in a bowl.
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A Colts fan and Bears fan collide in a huge accident on the way to
Miami. Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt.
"This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends." says
the Bears fan.
"I agree," replies the Colts fan.
The Bears fan then returns to the wreckage of his car and finds a
bottle of whiskey he had been saving.
"Look," he says to the Colts fan, "this must be another sign from
God, we should drink this whiskey to celebrate our friendship and
survival"
He hands the bottle over to the Colts fan who takes a large gulp
from the bottle before passing it back to the Bears fan, who then
puts the top back on and returns the bottle to his car.
"Aren't you having any?" asks the Colts fan.
"No," replies the Bears fan, "I think I'll wait 'til the police get
here."
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One day, a joke contest was announced. A fabulous prize would be
awarded to the person who told the most amusing joke. The catch -
the joke had to be funny to one of the most sour, irritable, least
easily amused people in the world.
On the day of the contest, people from all over the world lined up
to tell their jokes. Knock-knock jokes, funny stories, one-liners,
puns - the man heard them all, and never once cracked a smile.
At long last, a newspaper reporter from the Chicago Tribune came to
the head of the line. He pulled a stack of paper from his bag, and
said "Judge, I bring before you the most humorous of the jokes
originally told by our readers in honor of the Super Bowl."
As he began to read, he was interrupted by an amazing sound - the
judge's laughter! Once he started, it seemed he couldn't stop.
Prizes were piled up before the reporter.
As he prepared to leave, he asked what had done the trick. He'd
barely started after all, and the first joke wasn't even complete
when the judge began to laugh.
"Oh," replied the judge, "it was that first one you told, about
original jokes coming from your football fans."
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Q. What do you call 40 guys sitting around a TV watching the Super
Bowl?
A. The Detroit Lions
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Gameday Horror:
I decided to drive the 200 miles to a Colts game one fine Sunday. As
I entered Indianapolis, I thought I should make a quick pit stop at
the first gas station I came across.
I grabbed a soda and a quick snack and headed to the register. As I
was standing there, a sudden, sick feeling came over me. I realized
I left my Colts tickets laying in plain view on the dash and my door
unlocked. I quickly made my transaction and darted for my car.
As I made my way toward my car, I tried to focus on the area of the
dash where my tickets were laying. I could tell from about 15 feet
away my worst fears had come true. I was too late. After driving
nearly 200 miles there were now 5 Colts tickets on my dash.
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Q: What's the difference between the Indianapolis Colts and a dollar
bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
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Q: What do the Indianapolis Colts and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
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Q: Why do Indianapolis Colts players keep their Wonderlic results on
their dash boards?
A: So they can park in the handicap spaces.
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Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died.
When he got to heaven, God was showing him around.
They came to a modest little house with a faded Colts flag in the
window. "This house is yours for eternity, Peyton," said God. "This
is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Peyton felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way
up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It
was a 3-story mansion with a blue and orange sidewalk, a 50-foot
tall flagpole with an enormous Bears logo flag, and in every window,
a Chicago Bears towel.
Peyton looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be
ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many
NFL records, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."
God said, "So what's your point, Peyton?"
"Well, why does Rex Grossman get a better house than me?"
God chuckled, and said: "Peyton, that's not Rex's house, it's mine."
GO BEARS!!!
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A Viking fan, Packer fan and Bears fan all get busted and are given
20 lashes of a whip as penalty.
Each person ends up getting one wish for good behavior.
The Viking fan starts to cry and asks to be spared. He ends up
wishing for a pillow to cover his back. After 10 lashes, the pillow
breaks and the Viking fan is left in tears.
The Packer fan is next and he begins to beg. He also settles on his
wish and asks for two pillows. After 15 lashes, the pillows fall
apart and the Packer fan whimpers away.
The Bear fan is next and proudly steps forward. The panel of judges,
seeing him not start to beg, say they will offer him two wishes for
being so brave.
The Bears fan thinks for a bit and says, "My first wish is to have
100 lashes."
The panel is shocked but grants him this wish.
"And for my second wish, I want the Green Bay Packer fan tied to my
back."
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Q: Why did it take so long for the Indianapolis Colts to get to
Miami?
A: Their Mayflower truck broke down on the way....
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Q: Why are the Colts Staying at the Miami Motel6?
A: Because when you're used to traveling in the middle of the night,
it helps to have a light left on for you.
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Q: Why couldn't the Colts upgrade to a nicer hotel?
A: Not enough 'Mayflower Miles'....
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A man had 50-yard line tickets for the Bears NFC championship game.
As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in
the seat next to him. "No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Championship game and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with
my wife, but she passed away. This is the first game we haven't gone
to together since we got married in 1949."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
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A first-grade teacher explains to her class that she is an
Indianapolis Colts fan. She asks her students to raise their hands
if they are Colts fans too. Not really knowing what a Colts fan was,
but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the
air.
There is, however, one exception. Kelly has not gone along with the
crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a Colts fan" she reports.
"Then," asks the teacher," What are you?"
"I'm a Chicago Bears fan," boasts the little girl.
The teacher asks Susie why she is a Bears fan.
"Well, my Dad and Mom are Bears fans, so I'm a Bears fan too," she
responds.
"That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mom was a moron,
and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"
Kelly smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Colts fan."
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Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a Chicago park when a
crazed Rottweiler suddenly attacks one of the boys.
Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it
under the dog's collar, twists it and breaks the dog's neck, saving
his friend.
A reporter is standing by, sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy.
"Sox Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he writes in his
notebook. "But I'm not a Sox fan," the little boy replies.
"Sorry, but since we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were," says
the reporter. He starts writing again.
The reporter starts writing again.
"Young Cubs' Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts
writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Cubs' fan either," says the
little boy.
The reporter replies "Sorry, but since we're in Chicago, I just
assumed you were"
"Bears Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack," he writes in
his notebook. "I'm not a Bears fan either," says the boy.
"Oh ... I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Sox, Cubs
or Bears. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Colts' fan," the boy replies.
The reporter starts a new sheet in this notebook and writes:
"BOY FROM INDIANA KILLS BELOVED FAMILY DOG"
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Man Of THE HOUSE !
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can
Be THE Man Of Your House."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on,
you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have
the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will
wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will
massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
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Why, Why, Why???
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are going dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know
there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles
are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it,
then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first
try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt,
you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's
falling off the table you always manage to knock something else
over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in
summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And the FAVORITE...
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your
three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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The Irish Virgin
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and
very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly
approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper
order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also
happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final"
arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she
wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the
funeral, as the undertaker--postal clerk went to prepare the
tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that
the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the
wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's
final request, considering the very limited space available on the
small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But
finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up
with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and
it reads as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED
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Q: In golf, where did the term "Caddie" come from?
A. When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl
(for education & survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she
loved the Scot game "golf." So he had the first golf course outside
of Scotland built for her enjoyment.
To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she
played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her.
Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very
good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her.
In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots
changed it into "caddie."
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For you folks in the frozen North – try this:
For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put
Dawn dishwashing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They
won't refreeze.
And if that doesn’t work – try this:
Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little peroxide
on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works every
time!
NEVER USE THE CRUISE CONTROL WHEN THE PAVEMENT IS WET OR ICY
If the cruise control is on and your car begins to hydroplane when
your tires lose contact with the pavement, your car will accelerate
to a higher rate of speed and you take off like an airplane.
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For our golfing friends and those that believe it’s a stupid game
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured
by the occasional miracle, followed by your favorite beverage.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the
ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the
winner buys the drinks.
"Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul
balls."
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even
during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot
rarely make a perfect shot.
The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it
again."
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers
... neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you
play, it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and
shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day
you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you
might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't
work and both are expensive.
The best wood in most golfers’ bag is the pencil.
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You Think English is Easy???
Read to the end...a new twist to an oldie
Can you read these right the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse .
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
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Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its
paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are
square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth,
why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one
moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you
can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and
ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all
the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the
verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses
that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique
lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an
alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at
all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when
the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"
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You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of
the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At
a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are
the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to
write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish
UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We
lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car . At other times
the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble,
line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To
be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special .
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is
stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at
night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about
the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a
desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can
add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might
try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP
a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with
a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding
UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP .
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP
, so........... Time to shut UP .....!
Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you
do at night? U-P
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A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one
day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the
trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at
the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike
cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to
approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and
backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The
Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling, "What is going on
here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard
pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.
"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
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What is the first thing
a blonde does after a bad car accident?
Turn off the ignition?
NO
Get away from the car in case it explodes?
NO
Call 911 on her cell phone?
NO ...
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That's All Folks!!!
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