January 26, 2007

Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 26th of January, 2007

Another Nice Sunset

Venus under the Moon

Dead Calm

Anegada from Pegasus at 650 ft above sea level on a dead calm day

Iguana

Time to cleanup as work finishes on the Leverick Bay Marina Dock
http://chartervirgingorda.com/dock/january.htm

COMET MCNAUGHT
The Great Comet of 2007 is receding from Earth and fading fast, but it is still a naked-eye object (recent estimates place the comet's head at 1st magnitude) and an easy target for amateur photographers in the southern hemisphere. A 30-second exposure with an off-the-shelf digital camera reveals a curving, dusty tail more than 25 degrees long. Photographers should take their pictures soon, before next week's full Moon spoils the show.
Visit http://spaceweather.com

The Green Flash
http://www.virginislandsdailynews.com/index.pl/article_home?id=17602594

Cuban Tree Frog
An invasive species now found in the BVI that lives in cisterns, gives off toxins from it's skin and eats indigenous BVI tree frogs that aren't found anywhere else in the world. Several of the BVI frogs are becoming endangered because of the Cuban frogs. Find out more at: http://nis.gsmfc.org/nis_factsheet.php?toc_id=206

Fun Links:
In the SU-30MK, Russian aviation has surpassed that of the US and it's NATO allies. This truly impressive fighter can stall
from high speed flight to stop in less than a second. It can fall back on it's tail, without compressor stall, and go into a flat spin and recover in less than a minute. There is no aircraft in any country's inventory that could stand up to it in a dog fight.
http://www.crazyaviation.com/movies/CA_SU-30.wmv

NASA astronomers have been watching the night side of the Moon for more than a year, and they've just released highlight videos of some of the surprising things they've seen.
http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y2007/23jan_ltps.htm?list196147

World's Largest Slingshot:
http://www.livevideo.com/video/13E8D23F9F4644E78D90F347F7EC79EB/world-largest-slingshot.aspx

World's Biggest Hole:
http://szillat.org/downloads/worldsbiggesthole.pps

New threat to your computer on the loose: "Storm Worm" virus.
http://www.snopes.com/computer/virus/storm.asp

Home Inspection Nightmares
http://szillat.org/downloads/ThisOldHouse.pps

Enjoy the Jokes!

Ed

Go Bears!

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Quotes - Courtesy of Time Magazine

"Scooter Libby was to be sacrificed." THEODORE V. WELLS JR., lawyer for I. Lewis (Scooter) Libby Jr., Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff, who faces five felony counts of lying to federal investigators, saying that Libby was a fall guy for key White House political adviser Karl Rove

"Bottles of perfume and deodorants were flying in the air like small rockets." ALI HUSSEIN, biologist, describing the scene surrounding two car bombs that exploded in a crowded Baghdad market, killing at least 88 people, one of the worst civilian bloodbaths since the war in Iraq began

"The right time to start is about 10 years ago." BEN BERNANKE, Federal Reserve Chairman, warning lawmakers that a failure to deal with the budgetary strains posed by an aging U.S. population could lead to serious economic harm

"I'll feel even better to be the first black coach to hold up the world championship trophy." LOVIE SMITH, coach of the Chicago Bears, on becoming one of the first two African-American coaches to make it to the Super Bowl, an honor he shares with game-day opponent Tony Dungy, coach of the Indianapolis Colts

"The Lord has given me so much." JAMES WALLER, who was exonerated after his 1982 conviction for raping a boy was overturned due to DNA evidence--the 12th such case in Dallas County, Texas, since 2001--saying he is not angry about what happened to him

"The biggest problem is razor burn." STORMY DANIELS, an actress, writer and director of XXX films, about how the new high-definition format in pornography DVDs accentuates imperfections in the actors

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Numbers - Courtesy of Time Magazine

1/3 Portion of the 150 species of fish once found in China's Yellow River now believed to be extinct from the effects of industrial pollution and overfishing

155 million Number of people who depend on the Yellow River as their major source of water

400,000 Number of employees that the government of Libya plans to lay off to trim the budget and gin up private enterprise

3 Years each worker will continue to get paid, or he can take up to $40,800 in loans to start a business

$3 billion Cost of the Libyan government payroll in 2006

345,000 Number of people worldwide who died of measles in 2005, down 60% from 1999, beating a goal set by the United Nations

16¢ Cost of a measles vaccine, which is often unaffordable in the Third World without underwriting from charities and foreign governments

$2.14 Price of a bottle of Kwispelbier, a beef-flavored beer created for dogs by a Dutch pet-shop owner who wanted to have drinks with her Weimaraners after a hunt

4 Number of Heinekens she could buy for the same price

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At last, a bumper sticker for both parties.

FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker.

The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York state.

"RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper.

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A Very Short Story

A man is driving down road.

A woman driving up the same road.

They pass each other.

The woman yells out the window, PIG!

Man yells out window, B I T C H!

Man rounds next curve.

Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day: If only men would listen

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1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. A short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

NOTE: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

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Two, not too bright, sailors sank their boat and ended up in the life raft.

After three days (one without water, two without food and three without beer) they felt something bouncing up against the raft. When they looked, they found an oil lamp. After deciding that it probably wasn't a genie, they decided to try anyway.
Sure enough, out pops a genie with an attitude. "I know your types, three wishes and back in the bottle. So I will only grant you one wish and I will be gone."

The genius of the two blurts out " I want all the beer we could ever drink in a lifetime."

The genie replies "So be it" disappears and turns the entire ocean to beer.

The other genius slaps his buddy upside the head and says "You idiot! Now we have to pee in the raft"

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You may be a sailing bum if...

1. you think a Rhodes Scholar is someone who knows all about a famous boat designer...
2. any of your wedding gifts came from West Marine...
3. you think girls look "hot" in wet weather gear...
4. your doctor reports your injuries to Abuse Authorities...
5. you think rum is the official state drink..
6. your best shoes are Topsiders...
7. your car's hood ornament is the top off of a sailing trophy...
8.your idol is Jimmy Buffet...
9. your halyards are brand new, but your belt has two splices...
10. you read Latitude 38 under the covers with a flashlight...
11.your underwear has a North Sails logo...
12. your bar tab equals your paycheck...
13.you have a beer can crusher mounted on your mast...
14.you use a marlin spike to break sunburn blisters...
15. you have at least one broken boat part in your car at all times...
16.you have a Mount Gay poster in your living room...
17.you've ever traded a Dramamine for a beer...
18.you have a Jell-O mold in the shape of a J/22...
19. your vacation plans center around championship regattas...
20.you have to dress up to go to Wal-Mart..
21. you think of duct tape as a long term investment..
22. you've been involved in a fight over the last chocolate chip cookie...
23. you wear a sailing cap to church..
24. people are afraid to touch your foul weather gear...
25.you think matching wet weather boots are an acceptable wedding gift...
26.you've ever written your resume on a bar napkin...
27.your wind instruments cost $2,000, and you have a bucket for a head...
28.the local boat yard's phone number is number one on your speed dialer...
29. you'll marry a girl just to keep a good fore deck person...

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FACTOIDS

SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ?

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
( Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you. )

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
( I'll bet you're going to check this out, there's gotta be another one... HUH )

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
( Are you doubting this ? )

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
( Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right ? )

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are spelled the same whether they are read left to right or right to left. They are called " Palindromes".
( Yep, I knew it, ...You did too ...But forgot. )

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
( You're not doubting this one, are you ? )

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
( Yes, admit it, you are going to say.... a e i o u )

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the typewriter keyboard.
( All you typists are going to test this out )

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
( That explains it....Some days. I feel like a Goldfish. )

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
( I really didn't know this. But you knew it.. Yeah ! Right ! )

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.
( I know some people that could do this too. )

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
( Yep ! and on those days when I don't feel like a goldfish, I feel like an Ostrich. )

Babies are born without kneecaps. None, until a child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the China birthrate.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months in your car waiting at red lights.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of Dynamite !
( Warning ! It's not a good idea to sneeze while eating them ! )

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men

There ...... Now you know Everything !

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Maybe we need to check your IQ

Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can YOU overtake the LAST person?!

Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again

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You May Need Help Column

Reportedly, Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.