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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 19th of
January, 2007
Last weekend we did the traditional Burning of the Pagan Christmas
Tree...
...and on Monday, I made my second visit to the
Dominican Republic...
...the Kiteboarding Capital of the World -
Click Here!
Fun Links:
COMET UPDATE: Comet McNaught is emerging from the glare of the
sun and, as expected, solar heating has turned it into a spectacular
naked-eye comet. McNaught is visible from all parts of the Southern
Hemisphere, sporting a curved tail and a head almost as bright as
the planet Venus. Northerners can watch the comet's progress by
browsing daily photo galleries at
http://SpaceWeather.com
VENUS AND THE MOON: Mark your calendar. On Saturday
evening, January 20th, the slender crescent Moon will glide by Venus
forming a beautiful ensemble in the western sky at sunset. This is
something people in both hemispheres can enjoy. Hint: Look for the
pair before the sky fades to black. Venus and the Moon surrounded by
twilight-blue is a scene of special beauty. Visit
http://spaceweather.com
Moray Council completes an unusual re-housing project
for a large family - of badgers.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/em/fr/-/1/hi/scotland/north_east/6274821.stm
WWII Tank pulled from lake
http://www.12mbdragoons.com/panzer/
Black Ice in Seattle:
http://www.king5.com/sharedcontent/VideoPlayer/makeASX.phptitle=www.king5.com/kiraw_011607portlandhomevid.wmv
National ID Card Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7pHb7bPfMc
NO JOKE...
My friend sent this to me and encouraged me to post it and spread
the word. I agree. If everyone can remember something this simple,
we could save some folks. Seriously.. Please read:
STROKE IDENTIFICATION:
During a BBQ, a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured
everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) and
just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. They got her
cleaned up and got her a new plate of food - while she appeared a
bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the
evening. Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his
wife had been taken to the! hospita l - (at 6:00pm, Ingrid passed
away.) She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ. Had they known how to
identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Ingrid would be with us
today. Some don't die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition
instead.
It only takes a minute to read this...
A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3
hours he can totally reverse the effects of a troke... totally. He
said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then
getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is
tough.
RECOGNIZING A STROKE
Thank God for the sense to remember the "3" steps, STR . Read and
Learn! Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify.
Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke
victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to
recognize the symptoms of a stroke. Now doctors say a bystander can
recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:
S *Ask the individual to SMILE.
T *Ask the person to TALK . to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently)
(i.e. . . It is sunny out today)
R *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.
NOTE: Another 'sign' of a stroke is this: Ask the person to 'stick'
out their tongue! .. if the tongue is 'crooked', if it goes to one
side or the other that is also an indication of a stroke - Also give
the individual 2 Aspirins as they will help to thin out there
blood...
If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call 9-1-1
immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.
A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10
people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved.
Enjoy the Jokes!
Ed
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Quotes - Courtesy of Time Magazine
"We knew he would be executed and would join a parade of heroes,
but, Maliki, why did you behead him? Why did you insult his body?"
SALAM AL-TIKRITI, relative of Barzan Ibrahim al-Tikriti, asking
Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki why Saddam Hussein's former
secret-police chief was decapitated during his hanging, an
accidental result of the rope's being too long
"For me, the word 'responsibility' is very significant. My concept
of responsibility is what led me to remain in my position until this
point and to place this letter on your desk today." LIEUT. GENERAL
DAN HALUTZ, Israel's military commander, in a resignation letter
announced Jan. 17, explaining why he stepped down after the army's
failure to defeat Hizballah in Lebanon last summer
"We thought it was going to be easy." JAMES YBARRA, contestant in a
California radio show's water-drinking contest called "Hold your wee
for a Wii"--named for the prize, a new Nintendo game machine--after
a fellow contestant, a 28-year-old mother of three, died of water
intoxication. The show has been taken off the air, and several of
its employees have been fired
"The days of smoke-filled rooms in the United States Capitol are
over." NANCY PELOSI, Speaker of the House, after banning the age-old
practice of smoking in the Capitol lobby. Smoking is, however, still
allowed in Representatives' private offices and other places on
Capitol Hill, including a cafeteria in the Senate building
"Play that funky music, white girl." TONY SNOW, White House press
secretary, after the cell phone of ABC News chief White House
correspondent Martha Raddatz, 53, began playing a downloaded refrain
from Chamillionaire's Ridin' during a press conference
---------------
Numbers - Courtesy of Time Magazine
34,452 Number of Iraqis killed last year, according to the first
count of individual deaths by the United Nations
13,896 Violent deaths tallied in 2006 by the Iraqi government
118 Number of boys for every 100 girls born in China in 2005, up
from 110 in 2000, according to newly released data
15 Number of years before China will have 30 million more men than
women
320,000 Number of passports issued in the first week of 2007, a
record, by the U.S. State Department in advance of the Jan. 23
deadline that requires a passport for travel between the U.S. and
Canada, Mexico and the Caribbean
27% Portion of U.S. citizens with passports
$2.5 million Amount a jury awarded a Mississippi couple after State
Farm denied a $223,292 claim for a house destroyed by Hurricane
Katrina
2,000 Number of Mississippi homeowners who have filed suit against
insurers like State Farm
$363.32 Amount a judge ordered Naomi Campbell to pay in restitution
for throwing a cell phone at her maid's head
2 Number of days the model has to spend in anger-management classes
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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the
wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got
out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him
with died at the scene.
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Two men, sentenced to die on the same day, were led down to the room
where the electric chair was.
The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been
given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the
participants.
The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, “Son, do you
have a last request?”
The man replied, “Yes, sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you
please play the Macarena for me one last time?”
“Certainly,” replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, “Well, what about you, son?
What is your final request?”
“Please,” said the condemned man, “Kill me first.”
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History of the middle finger (repeat)
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I
know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent
friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history
more fun when you know something about it?
Giving the Finger: Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the
French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off
the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the
middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English
longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the
future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the
act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or
"pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major
upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at
the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK
YEW!"
Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult
consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a
labiodental fricative 'F , and thus the words often used in
conjunction with the one-finger-salute!
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with
the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY! And yew
thought yew knew everything!
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Golf Lessons
A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of
ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their
time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball.
She hacks it 10 feet, goes over, whiffs it, and then hacks it maybe
another 10 feet, then hacks it another 5 feet.
She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, "I
guess all those f---ing lessons I took this winter didn't help."
*One of the men immediately replies, "Well, there you have it lady.
You should have taken golf lessons instead."
-----------------
Ugly Lady
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
"Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!
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Love and Sanity
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since
you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of the person you love, I have concluded that your
act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, hung himself in
the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am
so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." How
soon can I go home?"
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Psychic Daughter
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story
and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye
Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the
thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange
coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and
listened to her prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father,
this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when
the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got
up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a
cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if
he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of
the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and
jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh
of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late,
what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst
day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch!
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ANOTHER OLD ONE---
A man had just settled into his window seat on the plane when
another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his rotweiller in the
middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog
is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA
agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and
he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I
put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says:
"Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down,
walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a
woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and
puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That
woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab
sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to
its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making
a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" says his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and
down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then
came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and
proceeded to shit all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he
asks the agent "What's going on ?"
The agent, obviously now extremely nervous, replied, "Shit! He just
found a bomb!"
----------------
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
Months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day,
he motions for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired,
you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were
there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house,
you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know
what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill
with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, get the HELL away from me."
--------------------
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing
anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane
landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous
shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist"
garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the
sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blond
in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare. As the blond passed them, she smiled
and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," nodding and
addressing each of them.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were
priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store bought even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before
you even saw them.
Once again, the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in
their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous
topless blond, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking
toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, and said, "Good morning, Father,"
and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a
minute young lady."
"Yes," she replied.
"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the
world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"
She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Mary Francis."
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A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks
St. Peter, "I have a question that haunted me all of my days on
earth...am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with
white stripes?"
St Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."
So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra
asked, "God, please - I must know. Am I a white horse with black
stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"
God simply replied "You are what you are."
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well,
did God straighten out your query for you?"
The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said 'You are what you
are.'"
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, that answers it.
You are a white horse with black stripes"
The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that?"
"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were a black horse with white
stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is."
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ANOTHER OLDY BUT GOODY
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a
date or sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have
something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical
expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Woo F'ong
Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off
all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down on
your hands and knees and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of
room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As
she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not
haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously, ! "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed
Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when
your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
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Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his
arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm
and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to a
surgeon.
The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching
limbs! Come back in four hours."
So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done
faster than I expected. John is down at the local pub."
Sam went to the pub and was amazed to see John throwing darts.
"Wow" thought Sam, "that surgeon does excellent work"
A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John
accidentally cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and
took it, and John, back to the same surgeon.
The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher, but I'll see what I
can do - come back in six hours."
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early -
John's down at the soccer field."
Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.
"Wow" thought Sam "That surgeon is amazing"
A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head
off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of
John to the surgeon.
The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve
hours."
So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry,
John died."
Sam said, "I understand - I know you tried your best. You are a very
skilled surgeon but I'm sure heads are very tough."
The surgeon said, "Oh, no! It wasn't that, John suffocated in that
plastic bag!"
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AND YET ANOTHER OLDY
CATHOLIC PARROTS
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. "I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say
one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a
moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and
read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll
put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach
your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to
stop saying...that phrase... in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the
solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the
priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male
parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi,
we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
exclaimed, "Put the beads away, George. Our prayers have been
answered!"
--------------------
A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot
strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess
comes around and the man asks her for a cup of coffee, whereupon the
parrot squawks,
"Bring me a whiskey, bitch."
The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings a whiskey to the parrot,
but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the
parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, "Get me another
whiskey, bitch."
Quite upset, the stewardess returns shortly with a whiskey for the
parrot, but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such
slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach.
" I've asked you twice for a coffee, bitch, now go and get it for
me."
In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards arrive, grab both the man
and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit and toss them both
out of the airplane..
As they're falling toward the ground, the parrot turns to the man
and says,
"You know, for someone who can't fly, you're kind of a mouthy
bastard.
--------------------
You got to give the ole farm gal credit for trying!!!!
A little lady from North Carolina had worked in and around family
dairy farms since she was old enough to walk...with hours of hard
work and little compensation ..and when canned Carnation Milk became
available in grocery stores (1940's or 50's???) she read an
advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan rhyme beginning
with "Carnation Milk is best of all...." and she said, I know all
about milk and dairy farms...I can do this!!!!
She sent in her entry and about a week later, a black limo drove up
in front of her house... a man got out and said, Carnation LOVED
your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we
will not be able to use it....
Here is her entry:
Carnation milk is best of all,
No tits to pull,
No shit to haul
No buckets to wash,
No hay to pitch
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!
--------------------
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White
House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he
replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How
about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You're
Starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your
second term of office for a year! ''
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and
whispers... "It's pronounced 'quiche'."
--------------------
IS YOUR NECK A LITTLE RED?
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly
swatter.
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.
7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
8. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't
want it.
10. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
11. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
12. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
14. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
16. You have used a rag for a gas cap.
17. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
18. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
19. You consider your license plate personalized because your father
made it.
20. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
21. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool
Whip on the side.
22. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
23. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
24. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always
brings you home.
25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
26. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
-------------------------
That's All Folks!!!
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