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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 12th of
January, 2007
The Dock is pretty much done, including a temporary
marina office at the end of the T:
http://chartervirgingorda.com/dock
Fun Links:
Comet McNaught has continued to brighten as it approaches the
sun and it is now the brightest comet in 30 years.
http://spaceweather.com
Nasa Satellite Photos:
http://earthobservatory.nasa.gov
Need to know the tide a week in advance?
http://easytide.ukho.gov.uk/EasyTide/EasyTide/index.aspx
Need to know how to tie knots?
http://www.animatedknots.com/indexboating.php?LogoImage=LogoGrog.jpg&Website=http
Bad Day at Jiffy Lube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoWFfK5Ognw
Bad Robber:
http://www.glumbert.com/media/badrobber
American Airlines Flight from Hell:
http://www.dfw.com/mld/dfw/16416838.htm
Can you park the car? Use the 4 arrows on your
keyboard, and the space bar for brake.
http://www.107.peugeot.co.uk/peugeot.swf
Cool Graphics of familiar BVI scenes:
http://nwmangum.com/GraphicArt.html
A selection of the best photos of the BVI:
http://www.traveltalkonline.com/forums/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=610278
Blackwell's Worst Dressed for 2006:
Click Here
Grand Canyon Leap of Faith:
http://www.snopes.com/photos/natural/canyonleap.asp
University of Phoenix Football Field rolls in and out
of the building:
Click Here
Dilbert Mission Statement Generator:
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/games/career/bin/ms.cgi
Enjoy the Jokes!
Ed
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Quotes - Courtesy of Time Magazine
"It exterminates thousands and forces them not to eat or drink, and
they will have to evacuate their homes without taking
anything with them, until we can finally purge them." SADDAM
HUSSEIN, the late Iraqi dictator, on a tape recorded in the
1980s that reveals his plans to murder Kurds with chemical weapons.
The recording was played Jan. 8 at the trial of those
accused in the 1988 Anfal genocide campaign against the Kurds
"I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear. The Lord
didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something
like that." PAT ROBERTSON, religious broadcaster, on his prediction
that terrorists will attack the U.S. in late 2007
"If he surges another 20, 30 or whatever number he's going to, into
Baghdad, it'll be a tragic mistake. But as a practical
matter, there is no way to say, 'Mr. President, stop.'" SENATOR
JOSEPH BIDEN, Democratic chairman of the Foreign Relations
Committee, about Congress's limited power to alter President Bush's
Iraq strategy
"I cost the Dallas Cowboys a playoff win. It's going to sit with me
for a long time ... I don't think I've ever felt this
low at any point." TONY ROMO, Dallas quarterback, whose botched hold
of a last-second field-goal attempt handed the victory
to the Seattle Seahawks
"She was the best candidate for the job." NATASHA WOOLLARD,
spokeswoman for the Tower of London, about appointing a woman as
one of the tower's guardians--nicknamed Beefeaters--for the first
time in the 522-year history of the job
----------------
Numbers - Courtesy of Time Magazine
85% Percentage of U.S. Roman Catholic dioceses that in a recent
survey said they had learned church money had been embezzled
in the past five years
11% Percentage of those reporting embezzlements that said more than
$500,000 had been stolen
12,000 Estimated number of illegal immigrants apprehended at the
U.S.-Mexico border in November
10 Number of illegals apprehended in November thanks to a $200,000
experimental website allowing anyone to monitor the
border and alert authorities. Viewers sent 14,800 e-mails through
the site
5,100 Number of recruitment letters the U.S. Army sent out between
Christmas Day and New Year's Day intended for veteran
officers who had recently left the service
275 Number of letters that were sent to the families of service
members who had either been killed or injured in Iraq
47 Number of years Robert Nuranen kept a copy of the book Prince of
Egypt borrowed from the public library in Hancock,
Mich., before finally returning it last week
$171.32 Amount he paid in late fees for the book
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TOP 11 COUNTRY SONGS FOR 2006
11. I Hate Every Bone in her Body but Mine.
10. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All
Day Long
9. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
8. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.
7. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better.
6. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
5. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
4. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.
3. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By
Now.
2. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him. And
the
and the Number #1 country song is:
1. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
Honorable Mentions Include:
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
She's Looking Better After Every Beer
------------------------------
Caribbean Trivia
Panama is from the Cueva Indian language meaning "place of abundance
of fish", or "place of many fish".
Bermuda is named after Spanish sea captain Juan de Bermudez, who
sighted the islands in 1503. The Bermudas are a group of
about 300 rocky islands, about 20 of which are inhabited.
With an area of only 37 square miles, the island of St. Maarten/St.
Martin is the smallest landmass in the world to be
divided between two countries. Its dual owners are the Dutch and
French, who have shared the island for almost 350 years.
Venezuela has 72 island possessions in the Caribbean, the largest
being Margarita Island.
Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon, who sailed with Columbus on his
second voyage, discovered the Turks and Caicos Islands.
The only foreign land George Washington ever visited was Barbados.
Until 1959, the Cayman Islands were dependencies of Jamaica.
Henry Morgan, one of the most brutal buccaneers of the 17th century,
was eventually knighted by the British and made
governor of Jamaica, where he died a wealthy planter.
There are about 35 species of lobster in six families that occur in
the Caribbean Sea.
One large coral-munching parrotfish can produce two tons of sand a
year.
While reefs in the Pacific are 60-70 million years old, reefs in the
Caribbean are only 10-15 million years old.
The Barbados House of Assembly was formed in 1639 and is the only
representative legislature in the Caribbean to have
remained in existence for more than three centuries.
Only about 2 percent of the Caribbean's numerous islands are
inhabited.
An old rule of thumb for sailing from England to the Caribbean was
to sail south till the butter melted, then proceed west.
Grenada was the first country to issue a commemorative postage stamp
in honor of Elvis Presley.
--------------------------
The iPhone:
A USER'S GUIDE.
BY DARREN CAHR
- - - -
Congratulations on your purchase of the 8-gigabyte iPhone from Apple
Inc.! For the first time, you will be able to engage in
all the varieties of human interaction through a single device.
Please consult the table of contents below for an in-depth
look at your iPhone experience.
I. Introduction
II. Turning on the iPhone
III. Making a call using the iPhone
IV. Using the iPhone to listen to music
V. Using the iPhone to watch video content
VI. Using the iPhone camera
VII. Using the iPhone to catalog your contacts
VIII. Using the iPhone to manage your calendar
IX. Using the iPhone to solve disputes between Moqtada al-Sadr and
certain Sunni elements within Iraq without causing an
escalation of hostilities, or the development of closer ties between
Iran and Shiite militias
X. Using the iPhone to assist European antitrust authorities in
understanding the difference between "tying arrangements"
and "legitimate competition" in online music sales
XI. Using the iPhone to explain how the internal board committee of
Apple Computer Inc. (before the name change) headed by
Al Gore could exonerate Steve Jobs of any wrongdoing in the
options-backdating scandal
XII. Using the iPhone to explain why Microsoft believed that
introducing the Zune was either wise or appropriate, given the
market for MP3 players in late 2006
XIII. Using the iPhone to take pictures of celebrities without
underpants
XIV. Using the iPhone to become governor of an oil-rich former
Soviet republic where the temperature often drops to 76
degrees below zero (Fahrenheit), and then buy an English Premier
League soccer team
XV. Using the iPhone to better understand the coming synergies
between Disney and Apple, and the fact that no conflicts
involving the Sarbanes-Oxley Act will ensue
XVI. Using the iPhone to develop the new, John Lasseter-inspired
design of a theme-park ride called "the iPhone Flume!"
XVII. Using the iPhone to assist Nicole Kidman in playing a frankly
commercial Mrs. Coulter in the new adaptation of The
Golden Compass without losing the anti-Miltonian vibe or the stuff
about the Magisterium
XVIII. Using the iPhone to learn whether superstring theory's
positing of 10 dimensions (or 11 in M-theory) is viable in
light of recent discoveries relating to dark matter
XIX. Using the iPhone to learn whether Ehud Barak ever considered
adopting Barack Obama and changing the Illinois junior
senator's name to Barack Barak
XX. Using the iPhone to find love, true love, love like you've never
dreamed of
XXI. Using the iPhone to write poetry like Paul Muldoon, except
without the rock-and-roll aspect
XXII. Using the iPhone to create multilevel marketing opportunities
XXIII. Using the iPhone to attain inner peace
XXIV. How to change the iPhone's battery
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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you.
-----------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped
out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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A recent survey of women married over 10 years on how they feel
about their ass:
25% think their ass is too fat......
10% think their ass is too thin......
65% think he has his faults, but it could be a lot worse.
-----------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because
they had been so good that each one of them could have
one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her
hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
--------------------------
The world's shortest fairy tale...
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?"
The guy said, "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and went
shopping, dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean
house, never had to cook, stayed skinny and farted whenever she
wanted.
The End
-----------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
----------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
-----------------------------
Mr. and Mrs. Abel are retired, and Mrs. Abel insists her husband go
with her to Wal-Mart, but he gets bored with all the
shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Abel
loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to the Mrs.
Dear Mrs. Abel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and
may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all
incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints
against Mr. Abel are listed below.
Things Mr. Abel has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what
happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows
from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins
to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me
alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumes the fetal position and screams "NO ! NO! It's
those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least ....
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper
in here!"
Sincerely,
Wal-Mart
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The HMO Manager
Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates
for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to
identify themselves.
One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine
surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities."
St. Peter said, "You can enter."
The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people
rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager
and helped people get cost-effective health care."
St. Peter said, "You can come in too."
As the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter quietly added, "But you can
only stay three days... After that you can go to hell."
-------------------
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2007 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
--------------------
A Medical Mystery
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where
patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at
about 11am, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something
to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the
mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.
So a Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the
cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few
minutes before 11am, all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside
the ward to see for themselves what the terrible
phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer
books and other holy objects toward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time
Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life
support system so that he could use the outlet for the vacuum
cleaner.
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The “You May Need Help” Column –
Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
In The Memo Field of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With the Prophecy."
Don’t use any punctuation
As Often as Possible, Skip rather Than Walk.
Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.
Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
Sing Along At the Opera
Go to a Poetry Recital and Ask Why the Poems Don’t Rhyme
Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds
All Day.
Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're not in the Mood.
Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rock
Bottom.
When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, yelling
"Run for Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."
It's Called! Therapy.
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That's All Folks!!!
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