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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 5th of January, 2007
Fun Links:
DENVER FIREBALL: A spectacular fireball streaked over Denver, Colorado, Thursday morning. Observers described it as "brilliant, slow, twinkling, sparkly and full of rainbow colors." Contrary to some reports, it was not a Quadrantid meteor. It was the decaying body of a Russian rocket that launched the French COROT space telescope on Dec. 27th. Links to video and a ground track may be found at http://spaceweather.com.
HOT COMET: Comet McNaught (C/2006 P1) is plunging toward the Sun. It
won't hit, but at closest approach on Jan. 13th it will be much
closer to the Sun than the planet Mercury. The comet will experience
fierce heating and it could brighten considerably, emerging from the
encounter brighter than a 1st magnitude star. For the next few
mornings, northerners can see Comet McNaught before it disappears
into the Sun's glare. It's an easy target for binoculars hanging low
in the eastern sky at sunrise. After Jan. 11th, only SOHO (the Solar
and Heliospheric Observatory) will be able to track the comet as it
angles toward the bright Sun. SOHO images are posted in near-real
time on the Internet, so you can watch the comet-sun encounter and
see what happens. Visit http://Spaceweather.com
During the recent Geminid meteor shower, NASA astronomers watched at least five Geminid meteoroids hit the Moon and explode. Soon, they plan to release software that will help amateur astronomers see these explosions for themselves. http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y2007/03jan_lunargeminids.htm?list196147 Cool Chicago Landmark video - Marina Towers: http://www.allstate.com/landingpages/GENADV_marinatowers_Q107.aspx Wait until you can relax, with the sound up, for about ten minutes. http://oldfortyfives.com/TakeMeBackToTheSixties.htm
Enjoy the Jokes!
Ed
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Quotes - Courtesy of Time Magazine
"I just don't think we should go hellfire damnation around the globe freeing people, unless it is directly related to our own national security." FORMER PRESIDENT GERALD FORD, in a 2004 embargoed interview with Bob Woodward that became public posthumously, expressing skepticism about the U.S. bringing democracy to Iraq "They will call Saddam a martyr, not because they love him, but for their own gain." ALA'A AL-SAYID, a Shi'ite government worker in Iraq, about Iraqi insurgents, who he fears will use the execution of former dictator Saddam Hussein to inflame further violence "This is clearly a dirty trick." SUNNY MINDEL, Rudy Giuliani's spokeswoman, on the leaking of a document detailing the former New York City mayor's presidential campaign strategy to the New York Daily News "We're being very ruthless. A book is not forever." SAM CLAY, director of the library system in Fairfax County, Va., about the threat to remove thousands of books from its 21 libraries, including classics like Ernest Hemingway's For Whom the Bell Tolls and Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird, because they haven't been checked out in two years "I've always thought that if there's ever an occasion for a song to be played on my behalf, I wanted it to be Frank Sinatra singing My Way." BOB KNIGHT, cantankerous Texas Tech coach, who set the record for most victories in Division I men's basketball when his Red Raiders beat New Mexico, 70-68 ----------------------------- Numbers - Courtesy of Time Magazine 379 Number of homicides committed in Houston in 2006, a 12-year high and a 13.5% increase over 2005 148,000 Jump in Houston's 2006 population, due largely to Hurricane Katrina evacuees. Houston's mayor cited the influx as a major reason for the crime surge 13,012 Number of earmarks--provisions in congressional bills to fund items not requested in the bill--in 2006, more than four times the amount in 1996 $67.1 billion Value of the 2006 earmarks, more than triple that of 1996 47 Number of coal-miner deaths in 2006, a 10-year high, reversing an 80-year trend of steady decreases 2,295 Average number of coal miners who were killed each year before the 1930s 502 Marijuana bales Texas police seized from a truck driver, Louis Mendez, 29, last month. He was arrested and held on a $1 million bond 20,000 tons Estimated weight of the seized narcotics, worth roughly $25 million 20 months Prison term a woman in Japan recently received for blasting music at her neighbor 24 hours a day 20 ft. Distance between the two houses ----------------------------- 2.37-carat diamond found at state park MURFREESBORO, ARKANSAS -- An Arkansas man found a 2.37-carat white diamond Sunday at the world's only diamond-bearing site where visitors are allowed to search for and keep the gems they find. Gary Dunlap of Jefferson named the diamond he found the Star of Thelma to honor his wife of more than 10 years. Dunlap's find was the fourth-largest diamond found in 2006 at the Crater of Diamonds State Park in Murfreesboro. In all, 486 diamonds have been found at the park this year. ----------------------------- New words for 2007 TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks. BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard. SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. CUBEFARM. An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIEDOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.) SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business". SINBAD. single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate. STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes. 404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all') GOING FOR A McSHIT. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies. AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'. AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am. BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from. GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing. MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:"Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!". MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead. PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women ---------------------------- THE YEAR 1906 The year is 1906. One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1906 : The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years old. Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars. There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union . The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower! The average wage in the U.S. was 22 Cents per hour. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year . A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist made $2,500 per year, a veterinarian around $1,500 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at HOME . Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which Were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard." Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month , and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason. Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart die 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!! Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores . Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." ( Shocking? DUH! ) There were about 230 reported Murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. ! Just Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years !!!!!!! ------------------- Esther and Sally, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Esther says," Sally, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely." Sally agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely." "Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison." "You're kidding! What for?" "For killing my third wife. I strangled her." "What happened to your second wife?" "I shot her." "And, if I may ask, your first wife?" "We had a fight and she fell off a building." "Oh my," says Sally. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Esther, he's single." --------------------- Three blondes and a brunette entered a fine restaurant. After being seated, a waiter came up to them. "What would you like to eat?" he asked the brunette. "Oh, I believe I will have the steak, well-done, thank you, " she replied. The waiter then asked the brunette if she would like any side dishes. "What do you have?" the brunette asked. "Potatoes?" the waiter asked. "No". "Soup?" "No," the brunette said again. "How about the vegetables?" the waiter asked. "Oh, they're having the same thing as I am," she said, gesturing at the blondes. ------------------------- Blonde Medical Terminology: Anally -- occurring yearly Artery -- study of paintings Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U Caesarian section -- district in Rome Cat scan -- searching for kitty Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her Colic -- sheep dog Coma -- a punctuation mark Congenital -- friendly DC -- where Washington is Diarrhea -- journal of daily events Dilate -- to live long Enema -- not a friend Fester -- quicker Fibula -- a small lie Genital -- non-Jewish G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game Grippe -- suitcase Hangnail -- coat hook Impotent -- distinguished, well known Intense pain -- torture in a teepee Labor pain -- got hurt at work Medical staff -- doctor's cane Morbid -- higher offer Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate Node -- was aware of Outpatient -- person who had fainted Pap smear -- fatherhood test Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis Post operative -- letter carrier Protein -- favoring young people Rectum -- damn near killed 'em Recovery room -- place to do upholstery Rheumatic -- amorous Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf Secretion -- hiding anything Seizure -- Roman emperor Serology -- study of knighthood Tablet -- small tablet Terminal illness -- sickness at airport Tibia -- country in North Africa Tumor -- an extra pair Urine -- opposite of you're out Varicose -- located nearby Vein -- conceited -------------------------  That's All Folks!!!
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