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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 1st of
December, 2006
Steve Martin and family visited North Sound last weekend on the
largest private yacht in the world, Oracle's Larry Ellison's 452'
Rising Sun.
See more pictures at
http://savezoneinc.net/risingsun
The 5th Annual ARC Yard Sale last Saturday was a
rousing success! Check it out at
http://animalrescueandcontrol.org/yardsale_pics_2006.htm
The vets from Tufts University have arrived to neuter and spay
feral cats around Virgin Gorda...
...lots of cages and medical supplies are required
for the task...
...but there's always time to have fun with the
cats!
Jumbie Shack is holding a Full Moon Party at South
Sound on Sunday December 3:
http://JumbieShack.com
Work is progressing on the Leverick Bay Dock.
Check it out at:
http://www.chartervirgingorda.com/dock/
Fun Links:
Are Green Potatoes Poisonous?
http://www.snopes.com/food/ingredient/potato.asp
Jury Duty Scam to steal your identity:
http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/juryduty.asp
Very cool animated music:
http://www.animusic.com/popups/clip-pipe-wm.html
Human Dominos:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKIp-wLyV2k&eurl
Amazing Boat:
http://www.sailingscuttlebutt.com/news/06/1018/
Have a Penguin write your name in the snow (just use
your first name):
http://www.star28.net/snow.html
Type in a command and see what happens...sit, roll
over, down, stand, sing, dance, shake, fetch, play dead etc.
and...it's also very cute if you type in a command that's not
recognized...!! Make sure you type in "Kiss" too. but do it
last:
http://www.idodogtricks.com/index_flash.html
Keep the Tennis Ball in the Air:
http://www.mcsaatchi.webcentral.com.au/tennischallenge/optus_tennis_site_edited.html
Enjoy the Jokes!
Ed
---------------------
Quotes - Courtesy of Time Magazine
"Senator John Kerry says he's thinking about running for President
in 2008. In other words, Kerry is still telling bad
jokes." CONAN O'BRIEN
"Russian scientists claim to have created remote-control turtles
that they use for spying missions. They use live turtles
with little tiny cameras on their shells. Hard to believe they lost
the cold war." JAY LENO
"In Kentucky, four people were shot by BB guns outside a Best Buy as
they waited in line to purchase the new PlayStation 3,
in yet another disturbing case of nerd-on-nerd violence." SETH
MEYERS
"The hand of Syria is all over the place." SAAD HARIRI, son of
assassinated former Lebanese Prime Minister Rafiq Hariri, on
last week's murder of Cabinet Minister Pierre Gemayel, the latest in
a string of killings since 2005 of pro-Western leaders
who opposed influence from neighboring Syria
"He went after them. He singled them out, and he taunted them, and
he did it in a closed room where they were captive."
GLORIA ALLRED, attorney for two comedy-club patrons who endured the
racist rant of actor Michael Richards (Seinfeld's Kramer)
and want a face-to-face apology--and a retired judge to decide on
compensation
"Very low food security" USDA ANNUAL REPORT, replacing hunger with
this phrase to describe the experience of 4.4 million
Americans; a USDA sociologist said hunger is not a scientifically
quantifiable term
"We may have lost a dear old friend and teacher." MICHAEL MEYER,
NASA scientist, after the Mars Global Surveyor, launched in
1996, failed to make contact for more than two weeks
"It's all blood money, and unfortunately I had to join the jackals."
O.J. SIMPSON, on accepting money for his book If I Did
It and a TV interview so he could pay bills; News Corp. canceled the
project
"I don't think they understood the seriousness of it." JIM HALL,
director of the Boise, Idaho, parks department, on firing
two temporary employees at the city's ice rink after they made a
midnight fast-food run in a pair of Zambonis, traveling 1.5
miles in the $75,000 vehicles, whose top speed is 5 m.p.h.
"In order to learn the important lessons in life, one must each day
surmount a fear." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're
cramming for their final exam." UNKNOWN
------------------------
Numbers - Courtesy of Time Magazine
72.6% Percentage of U.S. eighth-graders who had basic reading skills
or better in 2005, down 1.2% from 2003
3.0% Percentage of U.S. eighth-graders who had advanced reading
skills last year
$85 Initial per-share public offering price of Google in 2004
$509.65 Closing price for a share of Google last Tuesday, when the
stock broke $500 for the first time. Analysts predict a
rise to $600 within a year
$3.1 billion Settlements recovered by the Justice Department in
fraud cases--mostly against hospitals and health-care
providers--that whistle-blowers brought to the government this year
$190 million Collective amount the whistle-blowers were paid for
tipping off the government
3.3 tons Amount of cocaine Costa Rican authorities seized last week
from smugglers in a 49-ft. low-riding
speedboat--originally reported to be a submarine--covered in lead
laminate to avoid radar detection and camouflaged in
ocean-colored fiber glass
3 Number of pipes--sticking up from the boat to release
exhaust--that were spotted by authorities
------------------------
Home Depot Scam
A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Home Depot
customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam
while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out
to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it
couldn't happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your
car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They
both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their
breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It
is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip,
they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another
Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat. On
the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of
them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you,
while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, & 24th. Also October 1st, 3rd, twice on the
7th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming
weekend. So be careful.
--------------------
Forget Rednecks .....here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about
....Chicago
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you
live in Chicago
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they
don't work there, you live in Chicago
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in
Chicago.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
dialed a wrong number, you live in Chicago
If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of I - 80 for the weekend,
you live in Chicago.
If you measure distance in hours, you live in Chicago.
If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back
again,you live in Chicago
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard without flinching, you live in Chicago.
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife and daughters know
how to use them (and have since before they were able to
legally drive), you live in Chicago
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
you live in Chicago
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80
(probably heading north on 294 or the Edens and you are also
reading the newspaper) and everybody is passing you, you live in
Chicago.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
with snow, you live in Chicago
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and
road construction, you live in Chicago.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live
in Chicago
If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you live in Chicago.
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your
friends & others, you live in Chicago.
--------------------
As a Chicago trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She
jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks
on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is
Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up
again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the
door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name
is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down
the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens
again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks
on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is
Heather, and you are lo sing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of
the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and
as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's
winter in Chicago, and I'm driving the damn SALT TRUCK!”
-----------------
Women Drivers
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there
was a Woman
In a brand new Cadillac
Doing 65 mph
With her Face up next to her rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped my electric shaver,
Which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all The confusion of trying to straighten out the car
Using my knees against The steering wheel,
it knocked my cell phone away from my ear
which fell into the coffee between my legs,
splashed and burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone,
soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!!
---------------
Hollywood Squares
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this
may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and
answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show
responses were spontaneous and clever not scripted and (often)
dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the
questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long
enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high
should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man
or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out
and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three word s to say "I Love
You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next
apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles tooeasily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going
to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics , what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting
into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is
it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.
What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do
in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
-------------------
Army vs Navy jokes...
Q: Why do West Point graduates hang their diplomas from the rear
view mirror?
A: To justify their handicap parking.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know why the Army football team should change its name to
the "Opposums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Why doesn't Army have ice on the sidelines during games?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.
-----------------------------------------------
Q. What do you get when you drive slowly by the Military Academy
campus?
A. A degree.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do a Navy Midshipman and a West Point Cadet have in common?
A: They both got accepted to West Point.
----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and a West Point
Cadet?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
---------------------------------------------
Navy is playing Army, which has a first down with three minutes left
in the half. An Army fan sets off a firecracker, and
Navy, thinking it's the end of the half, runs off the field. Three
plays later, Army punts.
--------------------------------------------
Bobby Ross gave his Army football team a few days off. Several
decided to go down to Panama City Beach for fun and
relaxation.
Coach Ross saw the players the first day back at practice and asked
about their vacation. "Not good coach," said the
players. "We never made it to the beach."
"Why not," the coach asked, "car trouble?"
"No," they replied, "every few miles down the interstate we saw
signs that said, 'Exit, Clean Restrooms'. You have no idea
how many restrooms we cleaned between West Pointand Panama City."
--------------------------------------------
The Annapolis grad walked into the bar, sat down and said, "Hey
barkeep, you hear the joke about the four West Point
players in a farmhouse?" Chairs scraped behind him, and four of the
biggest, meanest guys in the bar stood up.
"We played for Army. You sure you wanna tell that joke?" The Navy
grad smirked in disbelief and said, "What, and have to
explain it four times?"
-----------------------------------------
Q: How many West Point plebes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a second year course.
--------------------------------------------
Did you hear that Army just bought twenty new septic tanks?
Yeah, and Army coach Bobby Ross says as soon as they learn to drive
them, they're gonna invade Annapolis.
---------------------------------------------
Q: How many Air Force Cadets does it take to change a flat tire?
A: Three, two to go for beer and one to call daddy.
-------------------------------------------
Q: How many Navy Midshipmen doe! s it tak e to change a flat tire?
A: Five, one to change the tire and four to lament how wonderful the
old tire was.
-------------------------------------------
Q: How many Army Cadets does it take to change a tire?
A: Just one, but he gets four hours credit and it counts as a lab
science!
--------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a West Pointer and a catfish?
A: One's a slimy, smelly, scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other
is just a fish.
---------------------------------------------
Q: What are the best four years of a West Pointer's life?
A: Third grade
------------------------------------------------
An Army football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback
riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly
trampled to death. Thank God the manager of the K-Mart came out and
unplugged it.
------------------------------------------------
Q: How come the Army football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "W's" together.
--------------------------------------------
Q: How many Army Cadets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One -- he just holds onto the bulb and expects the world to
revolve around him
------------
A Living Will:
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to
her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a
vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a
bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer
-------------
GIRLS NIGHT OUT!
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are
married!...
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I
told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I
promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way
too easy. Around 3 am., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up
and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up
with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible
conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos
plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNITE!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told
him "Midnight".
He didn't seem pissed off at all.
Whew!! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh. shit.", cuckooed 4 more
times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled,
cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table
and farted."
------------
What about Hell (rerun but worth it)
The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure
of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is
compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the
following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into
Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can
safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are
entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that
exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you
are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do
not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This
gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell
will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in
Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I
slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true,
and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the
existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
-------------
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains
to the students of Northern University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and
talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to
a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do a seven-day
experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a
bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches and has
various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went
into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to
read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted
nothing to do with me and began to slap me. So I quick grabbed my
holy water, sprinkled him and, by the grace of God, he
became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm
and both legs in casts and an IV drip. In his best fire
and brimstone oratory voice, he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you
KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY
WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took
HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestle down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I
quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you
said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the
week in fellowship - feasting on God's Holy Word and praising
Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and
monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy, You fellows don't know what
trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy
buggers!
-------------------
AN OLD FAVORITE:
Four catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how
important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "my son is a priest. When he walks
into a room, everyone calls him 'father'."
the second catholic woman chirps, "well, my son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'your grace'."
the third catholic woman says smugly, "well, not to put you down,
but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room,
people say 'your eminence'.."
the fourth catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first
three women give her this subtle, "well...?"
she replies, "my son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard bodied, well-hung,
male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say,
'my god'
------------------
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous
staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful
week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits
of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of
the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme was Viagra
advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use
past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured
the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were
acceptable.
About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and
created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and
camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.
----------------
To all,
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in
the glue on envelopes cause I now have to get a wet towel
with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my
every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when
I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on
their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...
disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive
my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I
can live a better life now because he's told us how to
fix everything.
And thanks for always correcting me with "gotchas" from "Snopes" who
knows it all. Thanks to you, I am totally in the know.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there
by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your
head at 5:00PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will
infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know
this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next
door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
------------------
These are the fifteen immutable laws of the universe. Since time
immemorial, they have remained unbroken.
(1) The law of Mechanical Repair: As soon as your hands become
coated with grease or oil, you will immediately have to
scratch, blow your nose or go to the bathroom.
(2) The law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll or
slide to the nearest inaccessible place.
(3) The law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number you will
NEVER never get a busy signal.
4) Law of the Alibi: If you tell your boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, within three days while on
your way to work, you WILL have a flat tire.
(5) Law of traffic variation: If you change lanes in a traffic jam,
the lane you were in will immediately begin to move
faster than the one you moved into.
(6) Bath Theorem: When the naked body is fully immersed in water,
the telephone rings.
(7) Law of Close encounters: If there is anyone anywhere that you do
not want to meet when you are with someone you do not
wish to be seen with, you will.
(8) Law of inverse results: When you are trying to prove to someone
that a machine will not work properly, it will.
(9) Law of bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the length of your reach. (Oh yeah!)
(10) Theatre rule: At any important event, the people whose seats
are farthest from the aisle always arrive last!
(11) Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a hot cup of coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something that will last
until your coffee is cold.
(12) Murphy's Law of lockers: If there are only two people in a
locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
(13) Law of dirty carpets: The odds of a dropped open-faced jelly
sandwich landing face down on a carpet is determined by the
quality, cost and newness of the carpet.
(14) Law of logical argument: Anything is possible if you do not
know what you are talking about.
15) Brown's new shoe law: If a shoe fits perfectly, it's ugly!
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Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National
Guard, got called up to active duty one day. Boudreaux's
first assignment was to a military induction center, and because he
was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising
new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance
to which they were entitled.
Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began
noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for
the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was odd,
because it would cost these low-income recruits $30.00
per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the
government was already providing at no charge.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux directly about
his selling techniques, but instead he would sit in the
back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales
pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said,
"If you got da normal GI insurans an' you go to Iraq an'
get youself killed, da governmen' gonna pay you beneficiary
$20,000."
"If you take out da supplemental insurans, which cost you only
t'irty dollar a mont, den da governmen' gotta pay you
beneficiary $200,000!"
"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta
Iraq furst?"
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Here's an Irish story......
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of
the night. Mick, the bartender, said to him, "You'll not
be drinking any more tonight, Paddy".
Paddy replied "OK, Mick, I'll be on my way then".
Paddy spun around on his stool and stepped off. He fell flat on his
face. "Shoite" he said, and pulled himself up by the bar
stool and dusted himself off. He took a step towards the door and
fell flat on his face again. Shoite, Shoite!" He looked
toward the doorway and thought to himself, "If I can just get to the
door and get some fresh air, I'll be fine." He belly
crawled to the door and shimmied up to the door frame. He stuck his
head outside and took a deep breath of fresh air.
Immediately, he felt much better and took a step out onto the
pavement. Plop. He fell flat on his face again. "Bi 'Jesus...
I'm fockin' focked," Paddy said, wondering what was wrong.
He could see his house just a few doors down, so he crawled down the
street to the front door and shimmied up to the doorway.
Then he opened the door and wringled inside. He took a look up the
stairs and said, "No fockin' way". But finally, with great
effort, he crawled up the stairs to his bedroom door, and using the
door frame to stand up, he decided, "I can make it to the
bed". He took a step into the room and fell flat on his face.
"Fock this," he said, "I gotta stop drinking," and fell into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, came into the bedroom carrying a
cup of coffee. She said to him, "Time to get up, Paddy.
Did you have a bit to drink last night?"
Paddy replied, "That I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd
you know?"
"Mick called......You left your wheelchair at the pub."
------------------
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino
went to the local church for confession. When the priest
slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father ...
during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door
and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And
you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father" said the old man , she started to
repay me with sexual favors"
The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger.
However, two people under those tense circumstances can be
very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your
actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. However, I do
have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
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Sunday School Lessons
STORY OF ELIJAH: The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining
the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of
Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it,
cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And
then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of
water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four
times "Now", said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why
the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on
the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room started waving her
hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
LOT'S WIFE: The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife
looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little
Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was
driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a
telephone pole!"
GOOD SAMARITAN: A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the
story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten,
robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid
detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked
the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded
and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl
broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
DID NOAH FISH? A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think
Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No,"
replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"
HIGHER POWER: A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have
been learning how powerful kings and queens were in
Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what
it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"
MOSES &THE RED SEA: Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what
he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher
told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to
lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red
Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people
walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for
reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the
Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what
your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if
I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe
it!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD: A Sunday School teacher decided to have her
young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in
the Bible: Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the
Psalm. Little Rick was excited about the task, but he just
couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely
get past the first line. On the day that the kids were
scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was
very nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the
microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's
all I need to know."
CHURCH SMILES: There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old
family Bible to her brother in another part of the
country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal
clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
AMISH: While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an
Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a
sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a
hand printed sign: "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats
and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
QUILT: Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what
the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be
scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was
perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and
the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was
about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
----------------------
She Was So Blonde ...
1.. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
2.. She thought a quarterback was a refund.
3.. She tripped over the cordless phone.
4.. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up
her mind.
5.. She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't
Walk".
6.. She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
7.. At the bottom of the application where is says "Sign here", she
wrote Sagittarius.
8.. If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
9.. When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she
moved.
10. She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she
could use it at night.
11. When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, "Look!
They spelled Macy's wrong!".
12. She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said
"Concentrate".
13. Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to
re-train.
14. What do you call 9 blondes in a circle? A dope ring.
15. Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't figure out
how to fit the bottle in the typewriter.
16. What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4 way stop.
17. Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? "Toe goes in first".
18. What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of
Cheerios? "OH LOOK!!! Donut seeds.
-------------------------
Mendel the Tailor
There was a tailor named Mendel and he was worried about his
business. Mendel was down to his last $50 and was torn between
buying a sign and getting food for his family. Mendel decided to
pray.
"Dear God," he said, "I don't know what to do. If I buy a sign it
may bring in business, but I need to buy groceries for my
family...and if the sign doesn't bring in sales, we will starve."
God replied, "Mendel, buy the sign. Don't worry, your family won't
starve."
So, Mendel bought the sign and business took off. The tailor fed his
family and all was well. However, as time passed it
became evident that Mendel couldn't keep up with orders all by
himself. He contemplated hiring on a helper, but wondered if
he could afford it. So, he asked God if getting help would be a
prudent move.
"Go ahead," God tells Mendel, "hire some help, you'll do okay."And
so Mendel did. And business took off beyond his wildest
dreams. After a time, the tailor decided to move to a larger site
that would accommodate the growing demands of his business.
As he surveyed certain locations, he found a perfect storefront, but
the rental price was really steep.
"God," Mendel again prayed, "I found the perfect place to relocate
my business. But the cost of the lease worries me. I don't
want to get in over my head."
"Go ahead and a get a lease on the store, Mendel," said God. "Trust
me, you'll be okay--I haven't steered you wrong yet, have
I?"
So Mendel signed a lease on the 5th Avenue store and profits from
his business went through the roof. Out of heartfelt
gratitude, Mendel proposed to the Almighty that he dedicate the
store to Him.
"How do you like the name "Yaweh and Mendel," the tailor asked.
"Nah," God said. "Let's go with 'Lord and Taylor.'"
-----------------------
Teachers and Students...
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
~~~
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
~~~
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
~~~
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
~~~
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't Have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
~~~
TEACHER: Glenn, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
~~~
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
~~~
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why
his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
~~~
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
~~~
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
~~~
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
---------------------
Lawyers
One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking
down the avenue when they observed well dressed and
attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to
the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night
with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned
around, and said, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his
companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady
to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125 as he prepared
to leave.
She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me
the other $125, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons
ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He
hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on
such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her
case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court
as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the
owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse
growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent
to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.
The defendant took possession of the property, used it
extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon
evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the
amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is
restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the
defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his
opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore was
somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it.
"Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady
has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a
time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the
transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around
which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected
a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these
improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the
unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for
the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that
judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that
the defendant did find a well on her property. However,
had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never
have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the
premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft,
and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only
dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much
larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the
property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that
judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125
or have the equipment detached from its current location
and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant immediately wrote a check.
-----------------------
Mouse Lemur - that's a gloved hand holding this tiniest of monkeys.
-----------------
That's All Folks!!!
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