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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 24th of
November, 2006
Happy Thanksgiving!
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=1034968423311
We'll be enjoying Thanksgiving Dinner at The
Restaurant at Leverick Bay. Check out the Thanksgiving Menu Here:
http://TheRestaurantAtLeverickBay.com/images/Thanksgiving2006.jpg
Last Chance for you to buy raffle tickets for the 5th Annual ARC
Yard Sale this Saturday at Mad Dog!
Check it out at:
http://AnimalRescueAndControl.org
Just in time for Thanksgiving, the boats begin to use the new
dock at Leverick Bay:
http://chartervirgingorda.com/dock
What a difference a day makes - High Season Begins
Fun Links:
Flying somewhere for Thanksgiving? Think of it as a sky watching
opportunity. There are some things you can see only through the
window of an airplane:
http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y2006/21nov_thanksgivingskies.htm?list196147
Using a high-resolution X-ray telescope, Japan's new
Hinode spacecraft captured some unique and beautiful images of last
week's Transit of Mercury:
http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y2006/17nov_xraytransit.htm?list196147
A-10 Warthog Military Jet - the Tank Killer:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7288697292729312722&hl=en
Happy Thanksgiving and Enjoy the Jokes!
Ed
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Quotes - Courtesy of Time Magazine
"The Democrats say they are raising the minimum wage--because
something must be done to protect Kevin Federline's future."
CONAN O'BRIEN
"The U.S. Army has launched its new recruitment slogan, ARMY STRONG,
which replaces its previous slogan, AN ARMY OF ONE. Meanwhile,
the U.S. Navy is sticking with its recruiting slogan: IRAQ--IT'S
ALMOST ENTIRELY LANDLOCKED." SETH MEYERS
"KFC is dropping the KFC logo and going back to the name Kentucky
Fried Chicken--with a new, updated picture of the Colonel. The new
Colonel will be more realistic looking. This time he's 350 lbs. with
huge scars from his triple bypass." JAY LENO
"The Iranian nation possesses the full nuclear fuel cycle, and time
is completely running in our favor in terms of
diplomacy." MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD, President of Iran, explaining that
he expects his country's uranium-enrichment program to be ready by
March 2007
"Hope is not a strategy." HILLARY CLINTON, Democratic New York
Senator, to General John Abizaid, top commander of U.S. forces in
Iraq, during Abizaid's testimony before the Senate and House Armed
Services Committee
"Senator, I agree with you--and I would also say that despair is not
a method." GENERAL ABIZAID, in response
"I consider this his confession." JUDITH REGAN, head of ReganBooks,
defending her imprint's decision to publish If I Did It, former
football star O.J. Simpson's controversial account of how,
hypothetically, he could have killed his ex-wife Nicole Brown
Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman
"All of the illegal-alien protesters are waving Mexican flags, and
we just got tired of it." PAUL WILLIS, Pahrump, Nev.,
board clerk, spelling out why the town passed a new law making it
illegal to fly a foreign nation's flag by itself
"I think the joke is on people who can believe that the Kazakhstan
that I describe can exist." SACHA BARON COHEN, British comedian and
star of the wildly popular film Borat, in which Baron Cohen's
character maintains, among other absurdities, that Kazakh women are
kept in cages
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Numbers - Courtesy of Time Magazine
4 Number of males who must witness a rape in order to prosecute the
criminal in Pakistan. Otherwise, the accuser may be
charged with adultery. Under a bill passed by the National Assembly,
DNA testing and circumstantial evidence could replace witness
testimony in court
12 Women raped in Pakistan every day, as estimated by the Human
Rights Commission of Pakistan
$20 million Record-setting amount Citigroup will pay the New York
Mets annually, for at least 20 years, to secure naming
rights for the team's new stadium, CitiField. The park is set to
open in 2009
$10 million Previous record annual fee, in a 30-year deal, Reliant
Energy agreed to pay the Houston Texans in 2002 for the naming
rights to its field
80 million Number of homes worldwide that can tune in to Al-Jazeera's
English-news network on TV, which launched last week
0 Number of major American cable operators that have agreed to carry
the network
800-868-3407 Phone number that viewers of Dancing with the Stars
were supposed to call last week to vote for Mario Lopez
200 Number of calls Carmen Allen of Grandview, Mo., says she
received in one hour last Tuesday night from viewers trying to vote
for Lopez; her mobile-phone number is the same, with a different
area code. Former Dallas Cowboy Emmitt Smith beat Lopez for the
title
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Yes, there are Thanksgiving Jokes...
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen working on the
Thanksgiving dinner shaking frantically, almost in a
dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from
the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been
happily listening to his Walkman.
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session
when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.
While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the
head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in
silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through
the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the
sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the
season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does
the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on
Thanksgiving," little Timothy wrote, "I am thankful that
I'm not a turkey."
What key has legs and can't open doors?
A Turkey.
Gobbler said, "Doctor, help me! I can't stop acting like a turkey!"
"I see," said the doctor. "How long have you had this problem?"
"Let me think a second. Mom laid the egg in 1954..."
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous
for?
Their AGE
Why can't you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language
What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called?
Turkey feathers
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot
Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes - a building can't jump at all
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving
How can you make a turkey float?
You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey
What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside
Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks
Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
The turKEY
What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuffed!
Where did the first corn come from?
The stalk brought it
Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
To keep his wigwam
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
He had an arrow escape
How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?
It hugged the shore
Thanks, for a country where nobody is allowed to mind his own
business. Thanks, for a nation of finks.
-- William S. Burroughs, "A Thanksgiving Prayer"
Michael Dresser in his Baltimore Sun Paper's wine column, Vintage
Point, writing about the difficulty of recommending wine for
Thanksgiving dinner writes: Thanksgiving is America's national
chow-down feast - the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a
patriotic duty. (In France, by contrast there are three such days:
Heir, Aujourd'hui and Demain.)
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are
consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes.
This is not coincidence. ~Erma Bombeck
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Aliens are coming to abduct all the good looking and sexy people.
You will be safe, I’m just emailing to say goodbye.
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I’ve been working on this list and may finish it soon….
The Top Ten Reasons I Procrastinate
1.
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The Urinal
No matter how you shake and dance
The last two drops end up on your pants
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Where do pets come from?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked
with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome
here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with
you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so
that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how
selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new
companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in
spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And
it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged
his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of
my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my
own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and
loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and
said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy
of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but
perhaps too well."
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with
them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind
them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not
always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's
eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
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Some Fun Animal Pictures...
And finally...
You want me to smell WHAT?!?!?!
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That's All Folks!!!
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