Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 27th of October, 2006

Happy Halloween from Virgin Gorda!
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=1005645373311

The 240 ft T-section of the new dock is in progress in Leverick Bay:
http://chartervirgingorda.com/dock

Fun Links:
Halloween Costumes for Dogs - in case you missed it:
http://www.petebevin.com/archives/2006/09/28/halloween_dogs.html

Scary Halloween Card:
http://www.bluemountain.com/view.pd?i=149486103&m=5946&rr=y&source=bma

Skidboot the Dog:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5249518974978628334

Lords of the Logistics:
http://aistigave.hit.bg/Logistics/

Enjoy the Jokes!

Ed

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Quotes - Courtesy of Time Magazine

"Oliver Stone says his next movie role will be the hunt for Osama bin Laden. The film is expected to be 300 hours long with no ending." JAY LENO

"A new government study has found that the average American car weighs 500 lbs. more than it did 10 years ago. However, this is only true if the average American is sitting in the car." CONAN O'BRIEN

"Ohio Congressman Bob Ney asked for leniency in sentencing because he says he has a drinking problem. If you're keeping score at home, that now makes alcohol responsible for corruption, anti-Semitism, and homosexual pedophilia." JON STEWART

"I think I'd just commit suicide." JOHN MCCAIN, Republican Senator from Arizona, joking about what he would do if Democrats gain control of the House and Senate. "I don't want to face that eventuality," he added, "because I don't think it's going to happen."

"Why does he want to destroy me in my old age?" ANTHONY MERCIECA, Catholic priest, 72, who last week admitted that he had an intimate two-year relationship with Mark Foley in the 1960s when the ex-Congressman was an altar boy in Florida

"They've called me Aunt Jemima, a sellout, a traitor to my race." FRANCES RICE, chairwoman of the National Black Republican Association, on the negative response from blacks to a radio ad the group has aired claiming that the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. was a Republican

"Men should hold on to their position. Otherwise we are going to have matriarchy." MIKHAIL GORBACHEV, ex-Soviet President, at the Women's World Awards, which honor women who further gender equality

"Rock music has come to a standstill. It's not going forward anymore. It only bores me." STING, singer, on why his new album Songs from the Labyrinth features only music by 16th century composer John Dowland

"Some people think that I would be afraid of them, but I'm never afraid of an animal." BINDI IRWIN, 8-year-old daughter of the late "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin, on handling animals for her new show Bindi, the Jungle Girl, which premieres on the Discovery Kids network in early 2007

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Numbers - Courtesy of Time Magazine

6.7 Magnitude of last week's earthquake that hit the Big Island of Hawaii, the strongest in the state in more than 20 years

$46 million Estimated cost of damage on the mostly undeveloped island. The 1994 Los Angeles-area quake of the same magnitude caused $25 billion in damage

118 Atomic number of the newest element on the periodic table. The number refers to the quantity of protons in the nucleus of the element--the heaviest ever detected

.001 sec. Length of time that the element existed, according to Russian and U.S. scientists who said last week that they had created it in a circular particle accelerator

$62,000 Estimated yearly pension to which the spouse of former Massachusetts Congressman Gerry Studds, who retired in 1997 and died two weeks ago, is entitled

$0 Amount Studds' spouse Dean Hara will get. The men wed in 2004 after Massachusetts legalized gay marriage, but the Defense of Marriage Act bars the Federal Government from recognizing gay unions

3 in. Size of two tears casino mogul Steve Wynn made in Pablo Picasso's Le Rêve when he accidentally elbowed the canvas

$139 million Price for which Wynn had agreed to sell Le Rêve to a Connecticut collector, which would have been the most ever paid for a painting. Wynn now plans to keep the piece after it is restored

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3 Minute Management Course

Lesson One: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. " They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the three minute management course. (Remembering it is worth at least 3 credit hours.)

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Good News/ Bad News

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years. Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34! A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400 New shirt - $36 New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

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A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me. So I quick grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, by the grace of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory voice, he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestle down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship - feasting on God's Holy Word and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy, You fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy buggers!

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I decided that I needed a few days off but realized that I had no vacation, personal or sick leave left, so I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy. I figured he'd think I was "burning out" and would give me some time off.

I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde. it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I'm doing.

"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm acting like a light bulb."

A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My blonde coworker started following me. The Boss stopped her and asked where she was going......

She said; "Going home, I can't work in the dark!"

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Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. the new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked.

"Oh man... I've been unfortunately transferred to California," the other guy answered. "There are crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, tons of Illegal people, bleeding heart liberals, drugs, and the highest tax and crime rate..."

Hold on, Jack interrupted, I've lived in California all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice gated community, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a private school -- if you can afford it. If not I would feel sorry for you. Other than that it's somewhat safe as anywhere in the world.

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and can testify that it's OK, I'll take your word for it. Oh by the way, What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck in Oakland."

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Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know, my son graduated first in his class from Stanford. He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."

The second woman says, "You know my son graduated first in his class from Harvard. He's now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and lives in Los Angeles."

The last woman says, "You know my son; he never did too well in school. He never went to any university, but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman."

The other two women ask, "What is a sports repairman?"

The woman then replies, "Oh, he fixes games... you know, hockey games, football games, baseball games...."

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Two guys trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.

The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we play through?"

The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back.

The first guy says, "What's wrong?"

He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."

The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over."

He gets about halfway there and comes back.

The second guy says, "What's wrong?"

The first guy says, "Small world."

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Chip went to a barber shop for a shave. While the barber was foaming him up, Chip mentioned the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," said the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

Chip placed the ball in his mouth and received the closest shave he had ever experienced.

After a few strokes, Chip asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," replied the barber, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.

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Navy SEALs are always taught:
1) Keep your priorities in order and
2) Know when to act without hesitation.

A Navy SEAL was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day he shocked the class when he came in, looked to the ceiling, and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the SEAL got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The SEAL went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the SEAL and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The SEAL calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me."

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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large, unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

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Donald Rumsfield is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands, and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

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I was interviewing a cleaning woman that was applying for a position in helping with the upkeep in a house I was rehabbing and occupying in this small town Florida community.

When I asked the reason she had left her last employer, she replied, "Well, sir, they paid good wages, but I'm telling' you it was the most ridiculous and sinful place I've ever worked.

My last night they were playing some kind of game called Bridge and a lot of local town folks were there that I recognized from the social pages of our town newspaper. I was about to bring in the refreshments, when I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you've got."

Another man said, "I've got strength but no length."

"Then another man says to a lady, "Take your hand off my trick!"

"I pretty near damn near dropped the tray and dropped dead just then, when I was shocked to my senses to hear the lady answer, "You jumped me twice when you said you didn't have the strength for one more raise."

Another lady was talking about protecting her honor. And I couldn't believe it, in this respectable community, hearing yet another lady call out, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."

"Well, with them shenanigans going on, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll all go home now because this is the last rubber."

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WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?"

The guy said, "NO!"

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, and farted whenever she wanted.

THE END

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There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash.

Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting.

Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash.

And he is known as ..
...the Chip Monk

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A Navy pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The Navy pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it say you're not wearing any panties...."

"The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Navy pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

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Conservative History

This is how history began.

History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer &would go to the coast & live on fish & lobster in winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement." Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of "the Liberal movement".

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girlymen.' Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works productively outside government.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives (Boy is THIS true!). Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

It should be noted that a Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge to sarcastically respond to the above instead of laughing and simply deleting or forwarding it.

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The Juggler

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina State line. When the
Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his
way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he
wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out
and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

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Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are a couple of the winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everyone is sending off these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

and the winner was......

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole!

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The Subtle Nuances of two swimmers ...

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said! , "I was a hooker in Kentucky and I worked both sides of the Ohio River.

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The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him.

He whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you were right there. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

He answered, "I think you're bad luck !

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Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

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Religious Interpretation

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and, they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. They went over and talked to him and were so happy when he agreed to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Presbyterian, you were raised a Presbyterian, but now, praise God, you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their cold tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on an outdoor grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, but now, praise God, you are a salmon."

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The Scripture

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20 on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

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POLITICALLY CORRECT

The Air Force cargo aircraft pushed back from the gate, the load mistress gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your Aircraft Commander, Major Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Sgt. Looper, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the Major a woman?" When the cargo crew came by, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the Major a woman?"

"Yes," said the crew member. "In fact, this entire crew is female." "My God," said Sgt. Looper, "I'd better have a tranquilizer. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."



"That's another thing Sarge," she said. "We no longer call it the Cock Pit." "It's the Box Office."

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Americans' spare tires take toll at gas pump, study says
By Jon Hilkevitch
Chicago Tribune transportation reporter
October 25, 2006

Overweight drivers and passengers are responsible for cars on U.S. roads burning about 1 billion additional gallons of gasoline each year, according to a new study.

The study, headed by a professor at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, was based on a mathematical model that tied together federal data on gasoline consumption and weight gain among Americans from 1960 to 2002. It found that Americans are pumping at least 938 million more gallons of gas annually today than four decades ago because extra body weight is dragging down fuel economy.

"We had no idea the numbers would be this big," said Sheldon Jacobson, a computer science professor at the U. of I. who conducted the study with then graduate student Laura McLay.

"We came to the realization that our hunger for food and our hunger for oil are not independent," Jacobson said.

Some 1.7 million cars could be filled with gas for an entire year using the 938 million gallons of fuel that could be saved by trimming down the weight of drivers and passengers, Jacobson said.

Details of the study were released Tuesday. The full study will appear in the October-December issue of The Engineering Economist.

The fuel-consumption calculations were based on passenger cars and light trucks driven for non-commercial uses. The weight of cargo and reduced fuel efficiency due to poor vehicle maintenance were eliminated as factors, according to the study.

The study's findings serve as another reminder that the weight of the average American has increased by more than 24 pounds since 1960, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

In the early '60s, the average adult male weighed 166 pounds and the average adult female tipped the scales at 140 pounds, according to federal health data.

By 2002, adult males had bulked up to an average of 191 pounds, and the average weight of adult females had increased to 164 pounds.

Among teenagers, the group where obesity is rising the fastest, average weights for male teens increased from 151 pounds in the early 1970s (when record keeping for teens began) to 164 pounds by 2002, according to the federal health data. Female teens also got heavier on average, from 128 pounds in the early '70s to 140 pounds at the turn of the century.

By 2002, 62 percent of adults were overweight, based on their body mass index of height and weight, and more than 30 percent were considered obese, according to federal health data.

Meanwhile, the average weight of passenger cars has experienced a yo-yo effect.

Automobile manufacturers reduced vehicle weights from 1975 through 1987 in reaction to oil shortages created by the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries, according to the Federal Highway Administration. What was later identified as the "Hummer effect" started in 1987 when average vehicle weights began a steady increase that has lasted through 2006.

Heavier Americans are canceling out some of the vehicle fuel-economy improvements achieved by keeping tires inflated to the proper pressure, tuning up engines and removing unnecessary items from trunks, said McLay.

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Ceiling Mural in Airport Smoker's Lounge

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That's All Folks!!!