Your Weekly Joke Collection for Friday the 13th of October, 2006

Our Leverick Bay friends Monica, Nick and Tiina returned from their African Safari with some neat pictures:
http://szillat.org/africa

Some of the new dock is in place at Leverick Bay:
http://chartervirgingorda.com/dock

The 25th Annual Interline Regatta is underway in the BVI and will be passing through North Sound on Sunday. In case you missed it, here are some pictures of the festivities in 2003:
http://savezoneinc.net/interline

Fun Links:
B-52 MODEL Airplane -- actually has 8 "real turbines" at about $1500 each! Took over 2 years to build. It has a wing span of about 22 feet. Takes multiple pilots, as there are so many things to control. Think they were nervous during the maiden flight? Unbelievable that someone would make this - all real turbines! $12,000 just for the engines! Check out the movie link below to see the first flight. AMAZING !!
http://www.mcgirt.net/RC/VIDEOS/Giant_B52/B52_flight2.wmv

Enjoy the Jokes!

Ed

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Quotes - Courtesy of Time Magazine

"The White House says that President Bush is getting so many requests to campaign with other Republicans that he's running out of time. Not surprisingly, the requests are all coming from Democrats." CONAN O'BRIEN

"Federal investigators have found that a $75 million project to build the largest police academy in Iraq has been so badly mismanaged that it is a health risk to recruits. It's all in the hilarious new movie Police Academy 8: Doing Asbestos We Can." AMY POEHLER

"Author Bob Woodward has now written a third book about the President and the war in Iraq. The first two books said Bush was firmly in command of a well-run team, but this book says there was a lot of confusion and bickering. So here's my question: Shouldn't we be able to get our money back on the first two books?" JAY LENO

"It's a good thing I had a bag of Marijuana instead of a bag of spinach. I'd be dead by now." Willie Nelson's public statement regarding being caught with a bag of Marijuana earlier this week

"We're being threatened with death." HUGO CHAVEZ, President of Venezuela, in a televised speech accusing the Bush Administration of plotting his assassination

"He's an ass." GEORGE H.W. BUSH, former President, on Chávez, who called his son George W. Bush "the devil" during a speech to the U.N. General Assembly last month

"That's all you guys do is read these books. You ought to get a life." DONALD RUMSFELD, U.S. Defense Secretary, when asked about the questions raised recently concerning his competence--such as those in State of Denial, Bob Woodward's new book on the Bush Administration in the run-up to the Iraq war

"There are nightclubs in New York City that are harder to get into than some of our chemical plants." ED MARKEY, Democratic Congressman from Massachusetts and member of the House Homeland Security Committee, after President Bush signed a $1.2 billion homeland-security bill that many Democrats think is too meager

"I'll have any suite I want." NANCY PELOSI, House minority leader, on which office she would occupy in the Capitol if the Democrats take the House in November

"They have skinny bones." KARL LAGERFELD, German fashion designer, shrugging off concerns about too skinny models and arguing that most models are naturally thin. He said the rise of obesity in many countries, including France, is a more serious problem

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Numbers - Courtesy of Time Magazine

1 million Number of unexploded cluster bombs in southern Lebanon, which were dropped by Israel during its August war with Hizballah

650,000 Number of people who live in southern Lebanon

16% Increase in the number of Hummer SUVs sold last month compared with September 2005

$2.31 Average cost of a gallon of gas at the end of September, down from $3.07 a year ago

20 lbs. Average amount of weight gained during internment by Guantánamo Bay detainees, who receive a daily diet of 4,200 calories--1,200 more than the U.S. government recommends for a man to maintain his weight

410 lbs. Current weight of the heaviest prisoner--195 lbs. more than when he arrived in 2002

240 miles Distance Julianna Redd of Utah was driven by her parents on the eve of her August wedding to try to talk her out of marrying her fiancé. They were charged with kidnapping and will appear in court on Oct. 26

15 Years of imprisonment the parents could face if convicted. Their daughter married the man anyway

52% Proportion of Americans polled who admitted regifting presents or would do so in the future

4% Regifters who did so because they disliked the recipient

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Retirement Choices

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU ; KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. & gt; 3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons ar e: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in Texas where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

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We always hear "the rules " from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
Please note: These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
Please note: These rules are best often repeated in case anyone forgets.

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation, or model railroading.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. All I really need is just one more train.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. if my wife reads this... I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know us men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

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Girls Night Out

Incredibly drunk and walking home, the girls needed to use the bathroom.

They were very near a cemetery and one of them suggested they relieve themselves behind a headstone. The first woman had nothing to dry herself with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing rather expensive underwear and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. She dried herself with the ribbon.

After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girls night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing." said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."

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Penguin Joke

One day this penguin, Harry, drives down to the mechanics with his car sputtering and stalling all the way.

He pulls into the shop, gets out of the car and asks the mechanic to look at it.

While the mechanic is looknig at the car, Harry decides to go get something to eat, so he goes to the local shop and buys an ice cream cone.

Now Harry is a very messy eater since he doesn't have any hands, and he gets ice cream all over his face.

He goes back to the mechanic and the mechanic tells him, "it looks like you blew a seal."

Harry says, "Nope, it's just ice cream."

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A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium.

Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.

However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Some scientists speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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ELEMENTS OF "FUNG SUI"

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. Please No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY ONE. Spend some time alone.

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OHHH NOOO!!

There are witches in my mailbox.
What am I to do?

I found them there this morning,
doing things they shouldn't do!!

How the witches got there,
I haven't got a clue.

But they won't be there much longer
because I'm sending them to YOU!!!!!!


You've been Witch Kissed!

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That's All Folks!!!