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Your Weekly Joke Collection for the 6th of
October, 2006
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Dock work continues into October at Leverick Bay. Don't miss the
Proposed Marina Office at:
http://CharterVirginGorda.com/dock
Fun Links:
HARVEST MOON: Tonight's full moon has a special name--the
"Harvest Moon." It is the full moon closest to the northern
autumnal equinox. Long ago, before electric lights, farmers relied
on the Harvest Moon to light up their fields at night,
allowing them to harvest autumn crops even after sunset. The Harvest
Moon of 2006 is a big one--almost 12% wider than some full Moons
we've seen earlier this year. Why? Because the Moon is near perigee,
the side of the Moon's lopsided orbit that comes closest to Earth.
http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y2006/28sep_strangemoonlight.htm?list196147
COMET SWAN: There's a new comet in the night sky,
Comet Swan. It's a trifle too dim for naked-eye viewing, but it is
an
easy target for binoculars and small telescopes. Observers report a
"spectacular" emerald-colored head and a long sinuous
tail. Visit
http://spaceweather.com
It's a Hillary Condoleezza HO DOWN:
http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/13180/HillaryCondi_HoDown.swf
IRISH DIGITAL CLOCK -- The University of Dublin
science students have finally finished the digital clock they have
been
working on for 4 years:
http://www.yugop.com/ver3/stuff/03/fla.html
Mirabella V is the worlds largest monohull sailboat
at 275 feet with a 295 ft mast. You might recall seeing it in North
Sound pictures posted here last winter. Here's a video taken from
atop the mast while she was in the BVI:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lHPQlcUJZ4
Funny Tongue-in-Cheek story in this week's BVI
Beacon:
http://bvibeacon.com/main/content/view/337/139/
Enjoy the Jokes!
Ed
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Quotes - Courtesy of Time Magazine
"NFL star Terrell Owens swears he's fine after what police said was
a suicide attempt and he said was an allergic reaction. His trainer
said he'll be back up and trashing his teammates in no time." JAY
LENO
"Did you have the chance to see former President Bill
Clinton on the Fox News show on Sunday? He got very upset. He went
ballistic. He was loud. He was angry and confrontational. So, Fox
gave him a show." DAVID LETTERMAN
"Earlier tonight, President Bush had dinner with the President of
Pakistan and the President of Afghanistan. Tomorrow, the President
will have breakfast with Count Chocula and Captain Crunch." CONAN
O'BRIEN
"We are better prepared. We are safer." JOHN NEGROPONTE, director of
national intelligence, responding to critics who cited a leaked
National Intelligence Estimate as proof that the Iraq war has
worsened the terrorist threat and criticized the Bush Administration
for not releasing it. The NIE--portions of which were declassified
last week--calls the war a jihadist "cause célèbre"
"I hope she's the candidate because nothing will energize my
[constituency] like Hillary Clinton. If Lucifer ran, he
wouldn't." JERRY FALWELL, evangelist and right-wing activist, on a
possible Clinton run for President. He later said his
remarks were "totally tongue-in-cheek"
"Fighting terror is rather like fighting crime, not like fighting
another army." SHIMON PERES, Israeli Vice Premier, on
lessons learned from the war with Hizballah. In a speech to a London
think tank, he argued that Israel must re-evaluate its
tactics, saying that sustained economic growth may work where
"neither force nor diplomacy can"
"Do you know what it's like to have grandchildren calling you and
say, 'Grandpa, you're still alive?'" PAUL VANCE, co-writer of the
song Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini, after an
obituary printed for Paul Van Valkenburgh--who had claimed he wrote
the hit under the name Paul Vance--led the real Paul Vance's friends
and family to think he died
"Don't tell anyone up here, but I've lost a few little things
already, like my lip gloss." ANOUSHEH ANSARI, entrepreneur who paid
$20 million for a visit to the International Space Station, blogging
from space about the difficulty of keeping track of her things in
zero-gravity conditions
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Numbers - Courtesy of Time Magazine
65% Percentage of Baghdad residents polled who think an immediate
pullout of U.S. troops would make Iraq more secure
40,000 Number of Iraqi families who fled their homes to escape
sectarian violence and registered, as of August, with the
Iraqi government as refugees. The number of registered refugee
families was up from 27,000 the previous month
$225,000 Median price of a U.S. single-family home in August, down
1.7% from a year ago. It's the first annual drop since 1995
$1.8 million Average cost of a four-bedroom house in Beverly Hills,
Calif., the nation's priciest residential market. In
Minot, N.D., the least expensive market, a similar house would cost
$132,333
110 million Number of visits Americans made to emergency rooms in
2004, up 18% from 1994
12% Decline since 1994 in the number of hospitals with a 24-hr.
emergency department
$16,000 Amount of 3-year-old Jack Neal's successful eBay bid for a
Barbie-pink Nissan
14 Years that Neal, a Londoner, would have to wait to drive the car
legally in Britain. The seller agreed to cancel the
purchase
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The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man
realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at
5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it
where he knew she would>find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see
why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for
these kinds of contests.
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WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying >a
word An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,> the husband
asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws
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WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with
me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
legally."
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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto
your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and
still be afraid of a spider.
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W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use
a day...
...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men....
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
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CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
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WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then
we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed
him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
draft before the masterpiece.
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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of
things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have
laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys
do it?" asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do. "A discussion
ensues!
Finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and
experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian
strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about
half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows
until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,
his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate
love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about
you?"
"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.
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MORONS AT HEATHROW
Two guys have wasted their time at airports, in this case, London’s
Heathrow, by writing down strange names and asking the
airport Information Center to locate these people by calling out
their names on the airport’s PA system.
In order to make it as believable as possible, they dressed up as
chauffeurs and asked for help finding these people about
40 minutes after a Thai Airways or Air India flight had landed.
They acted as if they could not pronounce the names themselves, so
as not to reveal the joke, but just handed over a note
with the names printed on it and asked the employ at the Information
Center.
After the fifth, they had to leave Heathrow as airport security
figured out what was going on.
Give these guys the Big Practical Joker prize.
Looks Like… Reads Like…
Arheddis Varkenjaab and Aywellbe Fayed I hate this fucking job, and
I will be fired
Arhevbin Fayed and Bybeiev Rhibodie I‘ve just been fired, and
bye-bye everybody
Aynayda Pizaqvick and Malexa Kriest I need a piss quick, and my legs
are crossed
Awul Dasfilshabeda and Nowaynayda Zheet Oo-ah, that feels better and
now I need a shit
Makollig Jezvahted and Levdaroum DeBahzted My colleague just farted,
and left the room, the bastard
Steelaygot Maowenbach and Tuka Piziniztee Still, I got my own back
and took a piss in his tea
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Tree Hugger
While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a man came upon
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are
you doing?
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped
his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against
it. With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him,
took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked
and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell
happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in
sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently
behind the ear and said,
"Cupcake, this just ain't gonna be your day..."
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An elderly Aussie bloke lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favourite, Anzac biscuits, wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the
door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony,
he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread
out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of
his favourite Anzac biscuits .
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted
Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this
world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw
himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled
posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at
the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with
a spatula...
... F*# off" she said, "they're for the funeral.
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Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she belonged
to someone else.
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said
I'll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me make love to
you, but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her
boyfriend says ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very
fast, he won't even be able to get his pants
down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the
boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She said "The bastard used coins"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its
entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
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She has everything!
A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty
miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly
looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been
married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't
want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been
having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover
than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more
tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his
luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60 mph. "I want
the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says,
"I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete
bridge abutment. This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't
there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies -- in a quiet and controlled voice, "No,
I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he
inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the
wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The
airbag."
Moral of the Story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.
--------------------------
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the
stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's
talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and
said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But
let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a
deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little
pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified
to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
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Scouse Vasectomy
Scouser (skaus-sir)
Brit. Inf. ~n. a
person who comes from Liverpool.
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they
weren't strong enough to nick one, the husband went to his doctor
and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more
children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly
alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a
beer can, then hold the can up to his Ear and count to 10.
The scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in
the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a
beer can next to my ear is going to help me" "Trust me, it will do
the job," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count "1, 2, 3, 4,
5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
so he could continue counting on his other hand...
The procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, Sunderland,
Aberdeen and anywhere in Ireland!
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A man staggers into the emergency room with two black eyes, a broken
arm, multiple bruises and a five iron wrapped around his neck.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man."I was having a quiet round
of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both
sliced our balls right into a cow pasture." "We went to look for
them and while I was rooting around, I noticed ones of the
cows had something white at it's rear end. I walked over, lifted up
it's tail and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my
wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, Hey,
this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that."
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A British company is developing computer chips which store music in
women's breasts.
This is a major breakthrough, since women are always complaining
about men staring at their breasts and not listening to
them.
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After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some
Cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former
youthful Glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low
and looked like A ripped out fireplace.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with
Six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with
a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot
rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find Three
roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse. "They're very nice but
I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse; "The first is from the surgeon - the
operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he
wanted to say thanks."
"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was
such a success that he can't wait to get you home.
Apparently it'll be The first time he's touched the sides for years
and he's very excited!"
"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"
"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse.
"He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
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Regrettably, we received word today here at home of
this country's latest E-Coli victim. He will be sorely missed!
That's All Folks!!!
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