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Your Weekly Joke Collection Friday the 1st of
September, 2006
The Leverick Bay Marina Dock is being dismantled, rebuilt and
extended 70 feet.
Watch it happen day by day over the next month at
http://szillat.org/dock
Fun Links:
A European spaceship is about to crash into the Moon. Amateur
astronomers may be able to observe the impact.
http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y2006/30aug_smart1.htm?list196147
Cathy and Nathan had their Bon Voyage party at
Leverick Bay Friday night. Check out the Photo Jam at:
http://szillat.org/PhotoJam-Cathy-Nathan/
...or the web page pictures at:
http://szillat.org/cathy-nathan
Astronomers at the International Astronomical Union's
General Assembly in Prague decided that the Solar System has eight
planets, and Pluto is not one of them. Pluto has been declared a
"dwarf planet." Joining Pluto in the dwarf planet category are giant
asteroid Ceres and Pluto's cousin 2003 UB313. Get the full story at:
http://spaceweather.com
Cable TV Call Center
http://www.callcentermovie.com/movie/F8MedKf150.swf
Enjoy the Labor Day Weekend and the Jokes!
Ed
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Quotes - Courtesy of Time Magazine
"The peace plan for Lebanon calls for 15,000 peacekeepers led by a
sizable French contingent. Turns out in French, sizable translates
as 200 guys in rubber dinghies. It's no great loss. Honestly, the
difference between 200 French troops and 15,000 French troops is
just fewer French prisoners." --STEPHEN COLBERT
"Here's big news: Tom Cruise, the biggest star in the world, has
been terminated from his relationship with Paramount. Earlier today
he called Brooke Shields to see if he could borrow some
antidepressants." --DAVID LETTERMAN
"On the new season of Survivor, the four teams are a white team, a
black team, a Hispanic team and an Asian team ... They should
replace Jeff Probst with Mel Gibson, just for fun." --JIMMY KIMMEL
"These are challenging times, and they're difficult times, and
they're straining the psyche of our country." --GEORGE W. BUSH, U.S.
President, on the Iraq war's domestic impact
"It grieves me so much that we had not told the American people how
tough and difficult this task would be." --JOHN McCAIN, Republican
Senator from Arizona, criticizing the Bush Administration for
"underestimating the size of the task" in Iraq and leading people to
think it would be "some kind of day at the beach." The White House
replied that President Bush had been open about the difficulty of
the mission from the start
"You guys in New York can't get a hole in the ground fixed, and it's
five years later. So let's be fair." --RAY NAGIN, New Orleans mayor,
when asked on 60 Minutes about his city's stop-and-go post-Katrina
reconstruction efforts
"We have demonstrated, for the first time, that human embryonic stem
cells can be generated without interfering with the embryo's
potential for life." --ROBERT LANZA, leader of a team that has
developed a method to harvest and grow human embryonic stem cells
without destroying the embryos. Scientists and politicians say
questions about viability and ethics remain
"When that Napster guy came up across, it was like, 'Everybody's
gettin' music for free.' I was like, 'Well, why not? It ain't worth
nothing anyway.'" --BOB DYLAN, singer-songwriter, in a Rolling Stone
interview in which he praises records and says CDs' sound quality is
"atrocious." Dylan's new album, Modern Times, comes out this week
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Numbers - Courtesy of Time Magazine
6,200 Number of illegal immigrants detained by the U.S. Border
Patrol on the U.S.-Mexico frontier since June 15, the lowest summer
tally since 2002
10.5 million Estimated number of illegal immigrants in the U.S. as
of January 2005--the most recent date for which data are
available--up nearly 25% from 2000
-4.1% Change from June to July in sales of existing homes in the
U.S. House sales are at their slowest pace since January 2004
$230,000 Average sale price of a home in July 2006, up 0.9% from
July 2005--the smallest year-on-year increase in more than a decade
$1.2 billion Amount allotted by Governor Rod Blagojevich of Illinois
for a plan to substitute oil with homegrown energy products like
corn-based ethanol
2017 Year by which Blagojevich aims to have biofuels satisfying 50%
of Illinois' gasoline needs
6 ft. 8 in. Height of Aaron Durley, 13, a first baseman on Saudi
Arabia's team at last week's Little League World Series
5 ft. 3 in. Average height for a 13-year-old U.S. boy in 2004
19 Durley's shoe size
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Golf
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began
his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the
second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in
one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his
wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical
condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the
he'd bethere as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was
leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He
decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen holes. He finished his
round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by
five strokes, and beating his previous best game by more than 10.
He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he
dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked
about about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and
shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!
I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past
four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been
languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and
finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!
For the rest of her life, she will require 'round the clock care.
And you'll be her caregiver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor started to laugh and said, "Just kidding! She died more
than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?"
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The Bible Salesman
A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious
financial troubles…Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the
church storeroom; he discovered several cartons of new bibles that
had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he
asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be
willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the
desperately needed money for the church. Peter, Paul and Louie all
raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as
salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles, but he had
serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer,
who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed
by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly.
But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to
let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars
stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the
results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday
which they did. Anxious to find out how successful they were, the
reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out
selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father,
using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the
200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church." "Fine job, Peter!"
The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a
fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage
to sell for the church last week?" Paul, smiling and sticking out
his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional
salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales
expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and
here's 280 dollars I collected." The reverend responded, "That's
absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and
the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And
Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently
offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and
counted the contents.. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed.
"Louie, there's 3200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting that you
sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?
Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in
unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10
times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd
better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie." Louie
shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for
sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For
crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they
answered the door!" "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis
replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy
th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks
---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-like m-m-me t-t-to
st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
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VACATION
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told
Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took
your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to
Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years
ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant
again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't
get pregnant again."
Luther asked Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"
Billy Bob said, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
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Blonde's VCR
A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she
sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the
video shop and, after looking around for a while, selects a title
that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something
comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment,
there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video
shop to complain.
Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing
on the tape, but static."
Shop assistant: "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with some of
those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Blonde says "It's called 'Head Cleaner."
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Marines always win....
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and
the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After
takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up
and get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it
for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and
spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That
looks good I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine obligingly
went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe
and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go
on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
MARINES ALWAYS WIN
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"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde
waitresswalks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street
andthere was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle
of thestreet. He'd been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his
skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I
took that first-aid course and all my training came back to me in a
minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
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This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her
husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the
same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to
him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and
it said "For best results, put on two coats."
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A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a
carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
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Great Female Comebacks
Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."
Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."
Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."
Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."
Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"
Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"
Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."
Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."
Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?
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What does B.I.T.C.H mean?
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their
professions.
The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you now....
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful; Intelligent; Ecologist"
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....
Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you
know.... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know....Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
So, just exactly what is a BITCH?
B - BABE
I - IN
T - TOTAL
C - CONTROL OF
H - HERSELF
So ladies, next time somebody calls you a bitch.......
SMILE.........
And say Thank You!
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The Open Toe Shoe Pledge
Alright Ladies, it's that time of the year again. Just a friendly
reminder!! Please raise your big toes and repeat after me: (The Open
Toed Shoe Pledge)...
As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the
Rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes:
I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang
over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs.
And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the
straps.
I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and
chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.
I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and
yellow. I will shave the hairs off my big toe.
I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker,
mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes
if I tuck it there.
If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into
place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.
I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend
Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.
I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low,
low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the
kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of
others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat
and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my
ankle.
I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes
swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.
If I have been privy to the magic that is Foot Soup, I will share
that knowledge and experience with the non-initiated.
I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when
she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to
tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes
creepy feet look good.
I will promise if I wear flip flops that I will ensure that they
actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I
will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.
I will promise to go my local beauty school at least once per season
and have a real pedicure (they are about $10 and worth EVERY penny).
I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show
signs of wear...nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals.
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Q:What did the fisherman say to the magician?
A:'Pick a cod, any cod.'
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That's All Folks!!!
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