Your Weekly Joke Collection Friday the 7th of July, 2006

This week found me visiting St Thomas for shopping on Shockwave. A cracked thru-hull fitting required that the boat be dry docked at the old Sub Base -- check out the interesting floating dry dock pictures.

Fun Links:
STORMS ON JUPITER: The long-awaited glancing collision between Jupiter's Great Red Spot and Red Jr. is underway. So far the two massive storms are holding their own, resisting disruption. Closest approach is still a week away, however, and astronomers will be monitoring the situation closely. See the latest images at http://spaceweather.com

Magic Gopher Reads your Mind:
http://www.learnenglish.org.uk/games/magic-gopher-central.swf

Draw a Pig:
http://www.freaknfunny.com/files/upload/draw-a-pig.swf

When You Need a Break, check out:
http://www.break.com/

Enjoy the Jokes!

Ed

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Quotes - Courtesy of Time Magazine

"Much of Washington is flooded. Several government agencies had to close down, including the Justice Department and the IRS ... FEMA headquarters floated away." JIMMY KIMMEL

"Star Jones Reynolds told the Daily News that she was told she was being let go from The View because her approval ratings had gone down. And President Bush said, 'They can fire you for that?'" JAY LENO

"Evidently there aren't enough flag burnings in the news now. Is there no one who loves our flag enough to burn one just to remind us how horrible it is?" STEPHEN COLBERT

"The audacity of the schemes, the scale of the waste--it is just breathtaking." SUSAN COLLINS, Republican Senator from Maine, on reports estimating that up to $2 billion in post-Katrina aid was misused
"I don't think it'll look as dramatic as New Orleans, but when it's your house ..." DON MAURER, New York State emergency management office spokesman, on massive flooding on the East Coast last week that forced more than 200,000 to evacuate and caused at least 16 deaths

"Berkeley has always had a foreign policy, the national one notwithstanding." ALBERT SUKOFF, resident of Berkeley, Calif., after the city council agreed to put to voters a symbolic measure calling for the impeachment of President Bush and Vice President Cheney because of Iraq

"We need to have a better definition of what constitutes work." MIKE LEAVITT, Health and Human Services Secretary, after the Bush Administration, in an effort to reduce welfare rolls, tightened rules that had in some cases allowed bed rest to qualify as work. Leavitt said many families "are not being challenged to find work"

"Don't say, 'I want to sleep.' Get up and vote." ROLA DASHTI, economist and candidate in Kuwait's parliamentary elections last week, urging women to cast ballots in the first poll in which they were allowed to run or vote. No woman was elected

"If we can just go back to our lives pre-Fluffgate, we'll be fine." KATHI-ANNE REINSTEIN, Massachusetts state representative, after the withdrawal of a controversial proposal by state senator Jarrett Barrios to restrict the serving of Fluffernutters--marshmallow and peanut-butter sandwiches--in elementary schools

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Numbers - courtesy of Time

49,000 Estimated number of U.S. adults who died in 2005 of heart or lung disease associated with inhaling secondhand smoke, according to the Surgeon General
430 Estimated number of babies who died last year of a variety of sudden infant death syndrome caused by secondhand smoke

50 Age of the interstate highway system, authorized by President Eisenhower on June 29, 1956

$1,292 Estimated savings each year by the average U.S. consumer due to more efficient shipments on interstates than on local roads

$19,300 Average student-loan debt for the 62% of U.S. undergraduates who borrow to pay for college

6.54% Interest rate on federal loans for current undergraduate and graduate-student borrowers as of last week, up from 4.7% and the highest rate in six years

30,000 Average number of lighters the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) confiscates daily at airport checkpoints

80% Percentage of TSA-seized goods that are lighters, one of 68 items passengers are forbidden to carry on planes

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ZEN FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

1. Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set.

2. A Day Without Sunshine is Like, Night.

3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers..

4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory.

5. 42.7% Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.

6. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.

7. I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.

8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.

9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.

10. He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest.

11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.

12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The Cheese.

13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.

14. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.

15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.

16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.

17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.

18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!

19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.

20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!

21. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of Payments.

22. How Many Of You Believe In Psycho-Kinesis? Raise My Hand.

23 . Ok,.... So What's The Speed Of Dark?

24. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?

25. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously overlooked Something.

26. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.

27. Hard Work May Pay Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.

28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.

29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?

30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?

31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.

32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?

33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.

34. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn Louder.

35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?

36. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering what Happened.

37. Just Remember - If The World Did Not Suck, We Would All Fall Off

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The Cabbie

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

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Halloween Party

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

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Eye Test

Read out loud the text inside the triangle below.

More than likely you said, "A bird in the bush," and if this IS what YOU said, then you failed to see that the word THE is repeated twice! Sorry, look again.

Next, let's play with some words.

What do you see?

In black you can read the word GOOD, in white the word EVIL (inside each black letter is a white letter). It's all very physiological too, because it visualize the concept that good can't exist without evil (or the absence of good is evil ).

Now, what do you see?

You may not see it at first, but the white spaces read the word optical, the blue landscape reads the word illusion. Look again! Can you see why this painting is called an optical illusion?

What do you see here?

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That's All Folks!!!